I was really nervous walking into the doctor's office this morning! I was so sure they were going to tell me I was nuts... or doomed. I nearly burst into tears in the waiting room! (Then again, it doesn't take much right now to make me cry! Hooray for hormones!!)

Before my exam, I told the nurse practitioner that I was really freaked out. She understood and told me not to be scared, that I was already a week past the time I miscarried last month, and everything was going to be fine. I felt better, and then actually cheered when she said she didn't need to do a pap smear, because I had just had one. All she needed to do was a basic exam. Whew!

I asked if I should be concerned about not having as many symptoms as the last time. She said that every pregnancy was different, and that with her first pregnancy, she had no symptoms and thought it would be easy to do it again. Then, she said, she was really sick for 14 weeks with her second child and had almost EVERY symptom! Wonder if the opposite will be true for me.

She told me to go directly to the lab to get blood drawn, then to go back to the lab first thing Monday morning for another blood test. Guess I'll be monitored closely this time around. :-)

I got to schedule my first ultrasound for Sept. 9th. I'll be 10 weeks by then. Yay! It'll actually work well with sharing the news with my mom on the 11th. I think I'll tell her something like, "You have got to see this clip we recorded! It's hysterical!" and then pop in the tape of the ultrasound.

I was surprised to get a phone call this afternoon from the nurse practitioner. At first I thought she was going to burst my little bubble and tell me something awful, but instead, she said she got the lab results back already and that my hcg levels were good and high - 7,709!! Yikes! That seems a little high to me, for just reaching the 6 week mark. Wonder if there's more than one little bean in there...

THANK YOU, Juliana and Kristen, for signing my guestbook and for your kind words of encouragement! It so comforting to be able to share such a roller coaster experience with good people who are on this same ride! I have really high hopes for all of us and know we're going to make it through this just fine!

I think I'm starting to calm down a little now. I'm determined to sit back and enjoy this pregnancy for as long as it lasts, and I'm not feeling quite so doomed anymore.

I'm actually celebrating all the pregnancy symptoms that most women find annoying: I'm queasy - yippee! Hey, my boobs hurt - all right! Yay, I'm peeing all the time! Was that a cramp from my uterus stetching? Whoopee! Every little symptom is a confirmation that this baby is still with me.

I had a little scare at dinner tonight. I went to the restroom, and as I've been doing for the past 2 weeks or so, looked closely at the toilet paper after wiping. Well, I saw a little dark dot and my heart sunk! But then, as I examined the paper on the roll, I realized that there were little dark dots on the rest of the roll too. Doh!

I'd like to think it was a funny little practical joke from God, reminding me to CHILL OUT! There's really nothing I can do at this point to prevent another miscarriage, so I might as well just let Him drive and stop trying to take the wheel.

Tomorrow morning is my first OB visit. I am soooo tired of getting probed! And this time, I won't even get to see my regular doctor. I'll be seeing a nurse practitioner I've never met before. I suppose she'll do the normal exam then send me for a blood test. I really hope it comes back normal! I wish I had called the office and asked what they were going to do to me first. Oh well! Whatever they do, it'll be better than my last office visit, which was a follow up after my miscarriage.

Today was really tough on the worry front. Sounds stupid, but I was getting upset because I WASN'T going to the restroom every 20 minutes. And when I DID go, I couldn't keep from pushing on my breasts to see if they were still sore. ARGH! I need to stop this obsessing!

I kept muttering to myself, "stick with me, baby! Please stick with me!" If I'm not careful, I might wind up giving up my news to my co-workers too soon. I never thought my 5th week would be THIS hard! I knew I'd be concerned since I miscarried at 5 weeks last time, but for goodness sakes, I'm a WRECK!

I scanned a lot of the message boards on the various baby sites and some of the messages made me get a grip. My goal now is to enjoy this pregnancy for every day I have it. Easier said than done, as even as I write this, I find myself pushing on my breasts again to check for soreness - ha!

Some milestones for me will be:

• First prenatal appointment - Friday, Aug. 12
• 6 week mark - sometime around Aug. 16-17?
• First ultrasound - I hope it's soon! Possibly next month?
• Grandparents day (when we'll tell our parents) - Sunday, Sept. 11
• 12 week mark (when we tell everyone else) - sometime around Sept. 27-28
• Start of second trimester - first part of October
• Start of third trimester (home stretch) - first part of January
• Due date - sometime around April 10

Already, I feel better having some positive dates to look forward to. I'll pass my first milestone in only a day and a half. Then my second one next week. Hooray! Maybe I'll even stop doing the boob-check before long.

I just don't know how to feel right now. It's been exactly 5 weeks, 1 day since my miscarriage, and I'm so afraid of getting my hopes up with this pregnancy. I really thought I was ready to do this again, but now that I'm pregnant, I can't help but think this one will end soon too.

I suppose that I would have this fear whether I waited 1 year, 3 months, or 1 decade. Still, I'm terrified that my chances of another miscarriage are higher right after one. I keep pushing on my breasts to check that they're still sore. Anymore, I wonder if they're just sore because I'm constantly pushing on them to check! I analyze every cramp I get - was it really bad like before I miscarried? Is it starting again? Every time I go to the bathroom (which has been pretty frequent lately), I look closely for the tiniest drop of blood.

I know I should just be happy and enjoy this pregnancy for as long as it lasts, but I'm afraid that if I get too close, too attached, make too many plans, I won't be able to handle the disappointment. Even now, I cry when I think about what I would have to go through again. I am trying very hard to just trust God's plan, but it's not easy for a control freak like me. It doesn't help that I miscarried the first time at only 5 weeks, and I'm around 4 or 5 weeks now. I read that miscarriage is very common at this stage - not at all a helpful piece of trivia!

I think I will feel better after my first ultrasound, but I will probably never be without worry and doubt. What if it happens again?