Well today's been quite the day for nausea... and fatigue... and just overall weariness. It's an assurance for me that everything's fine, so I welcome every wave of "blah" and "yek" that comes my way! Just hope I survive tonight's murder-mystery party without stepping out of character to vomit!

Less than 2 weeks until I reach my next milestone and first ultrasound! I'm even starting to allow myself hope.

I don't know who I'm kidding, trying to expect the worse. I mean, it's not like it's going to be any less painful to be expecting another loss! It just prolongs my misery by taking over the days I would otherwise be able to celebrate. I guess it's normal to be worried, especially so early on, but hey - I've made it through 2 months this time!

Little Bean has a heartbeat and little arms and legs, and has started on a brain by now. Every day I can hold on is another day to better my odds of holding on. One more month, and I can breathe a little easier and start preparing for the best for a change!

First I just want to say thank you, Natalie, for signing my guestbook and for all your prayers and encouragement! It's really comforting to hear from women who have been there and been blessed so soon after a miscarriage.

The fatigue is letting up a little bit, but I still can't drag my big butt to the gym after work. I'm also eating like there's no tomorrow, which can't be a very good thing in my sedentary state. Oh well, any symptoms are good symptoms! Would you believe I was concerned today because I wasn't peeing as often as I was yesterday and not hungry every 3 hours like yesterday? Gee, it couldn't have anything to do with me guzzling less water today and pigging out on a huge lunch this afternoon, could it? I really have to get a grip!

I have a discreet countdown to my first ultrasound at my desk at work. Only 16 more calendar days! 11 more working days! Hooray! I know I'll feel SO much better once I can look in on the little bean (or beans!) I'm pretty much counting on being a nervous wreck the day of my appointment. I mean, what if it's another missed miscarriage and they can't find a heartbeat? What if it's a mole? I know - I have to quit thinking that way! Little Bean will be just fine. I have absolutely no reason to believe otherwise.

Yesterday, I decided to start writing a book so that I have something to which I can channel my energy (what little I have.) Who knows if I'll ever finish, but at least it's something better to do than poke myself in the boobs all day!

;-)

Well, the girls and I went out for an evening of gossip and margaritas Saturday. I volunteered to be designated driver since alcohol is completely off limits. I really missed my peeps and spent hours chatting with them!

I've read that my pregnancy symptoms should start easing up soon, which, of course, I find scary! How am I supposed to know everything's ok unless I can poke myself in the boobs and make sure they're still sore?!? Ah well, I guess the Lord has blessed me this long and thinks it's time to take the next leap of faith.

Actually, I'm starting to accept that I'm not the one in control of whether this little bean sticks around. Short of keeping myself healthy and listening to what my body needs, this pregnancy is pretty much out of my hands.

Still, I'll feel soooo much better when I can actually get a glimpse of the little bean and confirm that everything's ok at my first ultrasound! Only 2-1/2 weeks to go!

Well, it's been exactly 7 weeks today since the beginning of my miscarriage, and thankfully, this little bean is sticking around. Boobs are still sore, still ravenous, still exhausted, still pregnant! In addition, we still haven't told our families. Wonder if anyone is getting suspicious.

Anyway, I got hit with another panic attack in the store today. It was the deja vu that did it. We went to our little weekend breakfast place, like we did that day 7 weeks ago. Then we went to Target, like we did that day 7 weeks ago. We were pushing the basket down the back aisle, and Alex decided he had to leave me with the basket and go to the bathroom at the front of the store. Just like that day 7 weeks ago.

I didn't know what to do or where to go! I was trying to take deep breaths as I pushed the basket along. I just kept thinking about the horrible cramps that struck me in Target that day, which was the start of the horrible ordeal. I wandered around, waiting and waiting for Alex to come back, but he didn't, so I decided to brave the bathroom. When I came out, I had to call him on his cell phone to ask where he was and retrieve a big hug. I just couldn't stop thinking about that horrible day and felt like I was walking the exact same path as I did back then.

Thankfully, it was all in my head. I knew that the first trimester would be the hardest to get through, but the Lord has been generous enough to keep me and the little bean going for half that time so far. My friend said that motherhood is nothing but worry, more especially the first pregnancy after a miscarriage, and I believe her! I just hope I have the strength to deal with it and don't fall completely to pieces before I even deliver!