Today's been quite a doozie. I went to bed super early last night after a long day of shopping. Still, I couldn't sleep well, because I just felt so darn hot! No fever or anything, just kind of sweaty. I couldn't get very comfortable either, because I wanted to sleep on my back but had to keep rolling to one side or another.

I had another bad dream about having a blighted ovum. I was at the doctor's office and the ultrasound showed a sac but no baby. My hcg levels registered at 2203, much lower than it was a few weeks ago. I was devastated and started to cry. The doctor wanted to give me some pills to speed along a miscarriage, then said I would be a good candidate for a water birth. "What do you mean?" I asked, "I can't even carry a pregnancy to term, much less be a candidate for any type of birthing method!" It was horrible!

I woke up early this morning with a horrible headache and feeling very nauseated (yay!) After some moaning and groaning and tossing and turning, I finally decided to go downstairs for some cran-raspberry juice and some generic Tylenol. I then all but crawled back upstairs and to bed for a little more sleep.

My cat, Gracie, had other ideas. For some reason, she won't bother Alex when he's sleeping. Instead, she likes to stand on me and dig her claws into whatever bare skin she can find, as she kneads every available inch of me! I kept throwing her off and trying to get her onto Alex next to me, but she wouldn't have it. She kept climbing back onto me, kneading my stomach and kidneys as best she could. Ugh!

I wonder if I'll have to kick the cats out of the bedroom at night when I start getting a bigger belly. I'm sure Little Bean is well protected inside my uterus, but it already feels uncomfortable when either the 8-pound beast or 12-pound monster stands on me!

The Tylenol and a little more sleep cured my headache, but I still felt pretty weak and tired afterwards. I managed to make it through Mass without passing out, even though the stupid usher kept packing people into the pew I was in! At one point, these 2 little boys had to sit on their parents' laps! Ridiculous!

I still feel pretty tired and weak. Guess the hormones are really kicking it into gear right now. My mom stopped by, so I told her I had a migraine and was still feeling pretty rough from it. Not exactly a lie, but there's still a few days to go before we tell her. I think Alex is going to slip and tell her by his little comments like "gee, you're like a little kid these days! Just sleep and eat!" and "you're going to be like Dave, who has a big belly and so keeps dropping food on his shirt!" C'mon now! How about a little less razzing and a little more shut-the-hell-up?!?

Whoops! Must be the hormones again!

We still haven't told our families yet, but I want to wait until the ultrasound before we spill the beans there.

I'm a little calmer today, although still worried and still doing the boob-check. (Still sore, by the way - yay!) Alex put a For Sale sign on my scooter today and parked it out in the driveway. Even though the doctor told me last pregnancy that it would be ok as long as I don't traverse any bumpy roads, I'm not taking any chances! Our friend and neighbor drove by and asked about me. She said she and her parents (our other neighbors) were really worried about me because they haven't seen me outside this summer and now my scooter's for sale. I told her that I was fine, just pregnant.

She was very happy and excited and I told her that we weren't telling our families yet because we had "a little mishap" back in July and didn't want them to worry. She said those things usually happen the first time and that she was very excited for us.

For "not really telling anyone right now," hubby and I have been pretty mouthy! Yesterday, Alex said he pulled his co-worker aside and told her about this pregnancy and the last. He also asked her not to say anything because "we're trying to keep it quiet for now."

I actually feel a little better letting people know. It's like I'm proving my willingness to take that leap of faith and trust that God will make sure everything is all right. I still want to wait to tell the family just for the dramatics, though. I plan to call my mom after the sonogram and say "I was watching the video of our cruise last night and you'll never guess who I saw in it!" Then, we'll take the tape of the ultrasound to her house and play it on her VCR. I wonder how long it will take her to figure out what she's watching. Should be fun!

I really need to keep myself off the baby & miscarriage internet sites! I am such a masochist when it comes to finding such horrible scenarios online and convincing myself that it will happen to me! Ugh!

For some reason, I think that if I convince myself I'm doomed, it's somehow going to prepare me if the worst happens. It's like someone you love being diagnosed with cancer, so you try to prepare yourself for losing them by imagining that you've already lost them. I never knew I could be such a freak!

My latest research made me a self-proclaimed expert on a condition called "blighted ovum." With this condition, the fetus either never develops, or dies and is absorbed into the mother's body, leaving just an empty sac behind. The placenta doesn't recognize the absence of the fetus, and continues to grow and produce hcg hormones as in a normal pregnancy. Usually, the mother doesn't know until an ultrasound reveals an empty sac, and/or the doctor cannot find a heartbeat. This condition can carry on for weeks (even a month or more!) before the tissue is expelled, like in a missed miscarriage. Ack!

Unlike ectopic pregnancies, which usually end by 8 weeks, women have carried on with this condition of "blighted ovum" as far along as 8-12 weeks. Eeep! In some cases, the uterus has not grown as it should, but doctors might attribute it to inaccuracy in dating the pregnancy.

So naturally, I convince myself that I have this "blighted ovum" condition, and the doctor is going to give me the horrible news at my first ultrasound next week. Even worse, the boob check can't reassure me, because in this case, the placenta still produces the hormones that cause sore boobs!

Another horror I used to scare myself was what could happen if the baby dies in the first trimester. It seems that when a baby dies, it could take weeks to miscarry, unlike the 3 days in my last "missed miscarriage." Instead of growing as it should in the womb, it starts to shrink. So if the baby dies at 10 weeks, at 11 weeks it will measure 9 weeks, then measure 8 weeks at 12, etc. Again, unless the doctor checks for a heartbeat, they might conclude that the pregnancy was just not dated correctly.

Needless to say, I had plenty of pregnancy nightmares last night. The first one wasn't too awfully bad - I had a sonogram, and it showed twins. Then on closer look, there was a third baby, but it was smaller than the others, and the doctors expected that I would miscarry it.

The second dream I had centered around this blighted ovum condition. The ultrasound revealed just an empty sac, and I was going to have to wait for 2-3 weeks to miscarry. Then, I started to miscarry, and, like in my previous dreams, blood was EVERYWHERE!

I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm worried about every cramp and possible gas bubble now. I get a little pain just beneath my rib cage occasionally, or even a cramp in my upper abdomen. I'm pretty sure it's just things stretching and shifting, but it's still very scary! I don't want to call the doctor's office unless I'm willing to go in, and I would be mortified to leave work and go in because of something stupid like gas!

If only I can stick it out until next Friday without getting thrown in a looney bin...

I really have to stop reading all the miscarriage stories that are online. Why do I do that to myself? I think I can handle it, so I continue to read, then I wind up in tears, so certain that I have either a blighted ovum or that my baby is dead and I'll miscarry any second now.

Last night, I dreamed I had an appointment with my OB. The place was packed, and there was absolutely NO privacy. The doctor had me on a table that was super adjustable. He actually pivoted the table so that I was almost standing in the stirrups, then proceeded to scrape around my...uh...private area from his place underneath me on the floor. Several people were wandering around the room, including an old co-worker of mine and his wife. The doctor finally readjusted the table so that I would be lying on my back and be a little more concealed. My co-worker just made chit-chat with me like we were in the office. I couldn't wait for him to leave, which he finally did. Weird!

I must have a small cold or something, as my sinsues have been going haywire. The post nasal drip has been causing me to wake up with a sore throat and ear ache the past 2 days. I felt so worn out and weak today, that I stayed home from work. I didn't think I could endure the sore throat and ear, and the fatigue today. It was actually an effort to walk downstairs!