we then went home after the dr. appointment and had some lunch and then it was time to go to our meeting with our midwife. As soon as we met her she made us feel comfortable. her office was nice. very soothing and homey. she made me feel really nice. everything she said was very comforting and made sure we knew we had all sorts of options. It was definately a 180 from our meeting with Shannon. Josée answered all our questions really well and was very reassuring. She was really nice. The whole meeting felt very easy. It was very comfortable talking to her and it was like talking to a friend.

At the end of the meeting she said we could go back and think about it or we could sign up with her right then. Jeremy and I both looked at each other and I said 'let's do it!'. I felt very comfortable with her and I could sense that she was very open and had a great attitude about everything. she earned my trust right there.

I felt so relieved after the meeting with her to finally have a caregiver for our baby and the labour. Now we can focus on the positive and just the fun of pregnancy. YAY!!!!!

This weekend we're heading to toronto to check out some neighborhoods and maybe meeting up with jeremy's parents. Jeremy and I might be moving to Toronto after jimmy is born. Jeremy got a verbal offer to work in toronto. it seems like it's a good opportunity. on one hand we really don't wan to move since we are pretty established in ottawa and we love it here but the opportunity in toronto is good but the cost of living is probably more too. So we're going to just casually look for a place in toronto and just see what happens since things probably won't get moving till next year.

this weekend will be good too because i'll be able to go maternity shopping. most of my pants don't fit anymore. i have 1 pair of jeans that fit well, and a few other pants but they're a little snug. it'll be nice to find nice maternity clothes. there's hardly anything here in ottawa. i even went into a maternity store 2 weeks ago and tried on some pants but they just didnt' fit. the sizes were small, medium and large and the small was still too big. after leaving the change room and the store i heard the two girls whispering. maybe it's just in my head but i think it was the one girl asking the other girl who let me into the change room whether I was pregnant or not.

I can't wait to start showing more!

Actually there is more news on the midwife front. The midwife we had our first appointment with called me on Wednesday. Actually I called them on Monday asking to either speak to our secondary midwife since I’ve heard from other people who’ve had her that she’s great.. And also from other people who know of her said that she was good too. She’s more senior as well. I asked whether I could meet with her OR whether she would be available to be the primary midwife. Long story short, I think Shannon (the midwife that was assigned to us) called me at work on Wednesday afternoon and I guess she got word of the fact that I called to speak to Agnes (the more senior midwife) and I guess she wasn’t too happy to hear that.. So when she called I was like, well, the reason why I wanted to talk to you is because I had more questions... But I can’t remember them off hand, but I think I’ve decided to have a water birth at the hospital. That weekend I had mentally prepared myself for that.. So I was ready.. And willing to ask her some questions again and hopefully she could put me at ease.. But after I said that she was like well first off you know you’ll have to have the water birth at home. And I was like, but when we first met you said we’d be able to have the birth at the hospital. You said that you’ve done them before and even though the hospital didn’t’ permit the actual birth in the tub as long as we were aware of it, you’d do it. Then she said ‘so, you think just because one mother wants me to have a water birth at the hospital, I would risk losing my license over it?, do you think that’s fair?’ and I was caught off guard and shocked.. And I was like.. No, but you said that you’d do it when we first met.. Anyway.. So the whole conversation was all down hill from there and she was giving me slack for knowing that I wanted a water birth at the hospital. She said that most women who are in my stage of pregnancy don’t even know what they want so was getting slack that I did. She also went into how she didn’t feel like I trusted her.. Which is kinda true from the first meeting. I told her that I had spoken to other mothers and other people who’ve had midwives and they were saying how they thought 8cm was a little late to be going to the hospital. I also told her that there were some women who didn’t’ want to be mobile at even 5 cm... And I was like, I just have this fear of having a baby in the car on the way there to the hospital.. And she was like ‘first off, the baby is not going to plop out at 8cm and just drop, and I’m like, I realize that, and then she’s like, so where did you hear about this? On TV? And I”m like no, just from what people have told me how they don’t want to be mobile. I just felt as though she was attacking me for having questions and just having concerns. She then went on to say, ‘how many baby’s have you delivered or given birth to?’ and I’m like, none obviously.. This is my first.. And she’s like wouldn’t I know more? Your first pregnancy the dialation is a lot slower than if it was your second pregnancy. So at 7-8 cm is normal for a first pregnancy. And I was like, well, if you ahd told me this the first visit I wouldn’t be questioning it. And she just went on saying how I didn’t trust her.. And how there’s no trust there and that why do I believe other people over your midwife.. And I was thinking first of all you’re not my midwife yet..and secondly I’ve only known you for 45 minutes so I’m not going to trust you yet with my delivery. Anyway.... Long story short... It was a half hour conversation at work.. And started of as back and forth and by the end of it, I had this fear that I wasn’t going to have a midwife and the fear of the epidural and being in the hospital with doctors scared me more.. And I started crying.. Like... A lot. I never cry at work. It was pretty bad. So after I got off the phone my boss was like, I wanted to grab the phone from you at start yelling at her for making your first experience with pregnancy so awful. He was so angry. And Erin our office manager was on the phone trying to get in touch with jer. Then I finally got in touch with him and all I could do was cry on the phone and he’s like ‘I’m coming to get you now’ and he drove me home. So.. Needless to say, it was bad. Towards the end of the conversation, I think after I told her how the fear of needles and doctors scared me she was more nice to me and being more comforting. I think she just wanted to hear that I didn’t want any sort of intervention before she would start being nice to me. I think she wanted to have things her way.. And have a home natural birth... She’s very hippy, holistic, and I just felt like she wanted to have it her way or no way. Didn’t feel like I had much choice.. And while talking to other people who’ve had midwives they’ve said how great they were and how open they were.

So obviously when jer picked me up the first things he thought about was something was wrong with the baby or something happened in my family.. So when he was reassured it was neither of that.. He felt better and he drove me home... And I didn’t actually tell him until I got home cause I was just sobbing the whole way. I think it had to do a lot with the horomes too :) and the fear that no one wanted to deliver our baby. Scared really.

So when he heard everything. He got mad. And called up the other midwifery group (there are only two in ottawa) and told them our story. And he pulled the sympathetic card out.. And I guess the receptionist felt bad for us.. They were booked up with a waiting list cause I had originally called on Monday and knew there was a waiting list and I had asked was it long and she said, there are quite a few people on there around your due date already.. And I discouraged. So jer asked to be put on the waiting list. Then he got on the phone and called the collective (the place where we had met our first midwife) and talked to the receptionist and said we weren’t going to go with shannon. And she said ‘so you don’t want any care?’ and he’s like ‘well, I just picked up my wife from work, and she was in tears after talking on the phone with shannon, so I’d have to say, no’ and the receptionist was like ‘oh.. Ok, bye’ and that was that. I’m going to write a letter to them. I’ve started it.. But it’s pretty long right now.

So that afternoon, a senior midwife from the midwifery group of ottawa called me back and spoke to me to get an idea of my situation. I told her a little bit. She was so nice. Very sympathetic. It was like night and day between the two. Her name was Bobbi. I told her about the conversation with Shannon and how she said she could lose her license..and all about the 8cm dialation. And she said that she was the head midwife representative for the montfort hospital (the hospital where we would have the birth at) and she said that they currently do not have any policy with the hospital. And what that means is that if I wanted to have a water birth there, I could. And that they don’t make a big deal of it and maybe in the future they’ll have a policy with them but they currently don’t. And I said, well I guess the collective has a different policy with them. And the whole 8 cm thing.. I said, she didn’t have to give me a number... And perhaps just say we’d head to the hospital when she thought I was ready and not give me a definate number.. And then she was like, OR whenever YOU were ready.. And I was like.. Ya... And she just sounded so nice, and so comforting. And I thanked her. And she said that she was sorry to hear of my situation, and that she would put me on the waiting list and that she thought that there would be a good chance that they could take me. :)

So today we got a call from the receptionist and said that a midwife would be able to meet with us November 2, 3 or 4th. And so now we have a meeting with her on the 2nd of November. YAY!! :)

After the conversation with Shannon, that night I spent most of the night thinking of what I could have and should of said more to defend myself. But jer keeps on telling me that I did the right thing and that I didn’t do anything wrong.

We have our monthly appointment with Dr. Farey (our family doctor) on the same day as well at 12pm.. So I’ll just take that afternoon off and work at home. I hope it works out. Jer’s former co-worker’s wife is also pregnant and she is going with a midwife too. She’s due march 31st.. And she’s with the midwifery group as well. Apprently all the women I’ve talked to who’ve had great experiences with midwives have all been from the group and NOT the collective. No wonder they had a waiting list and I got shannon right away when I called. Maybe they just have a different philosophy. So anyway, Catherine, (jer’s ex-coworkers’s wife) also has the same midwife that I’m assigned to (Josée). Actually, it’s her secondary midwife and my primary. She hasn’t met with her primary yet. But she said that josee is really nice and very comforting and all about how everything is up to me. Such opposites! I can’t wait to meet her.

So, that’s the whole story so far :) I’ll keep you posted on my first meeting with Josée and how it goes. I have a good feeling about it all. I figure anyone will be better than Shannon :) .

I personally think I can handle the pain during the contractions. that's not the part that scares me. the part that really scares me is having this baby being pushed out of this small hole. that's the part that terrifies me. the part that makes me think that it'll be the most painful.

during our meeting with the midwife she asked whether i wanted a home birth or a hospital birth. i want a hospital birth. i just want to have the comfort of being at the hospital in case anything goes wrong. I'm also really interested in having a water birth and our tub at home is not big enough for me to have a baby in. it's too small.... so having the birth at the hospital would be better for me.

she told us if we decide to go the hospital route, that we'd go to the hospital when i was 8cm dialated. that seemed pretty late in the game to me. she also said that after the birth that we'd have 3-4hrs in the hospital and then we'd have to leave. that's pretty rushed too. so that scared me.

since then i've talked to a bunch of other parents who've had mid wives and they've said that that shouldn't be the case. and that we should be able to stay at the hospital as long as we want and that we should maybe talk to another midwife. so tomorrow i'm going to call the other group of midwives to see how it goes.

we have our first appointment with the family physician that dr. farey refered us to in december! by then i'll be 5 months. that just seems a little late in the game to be meeting our doctor for the first time. it just seems weird. so after the disapointing meeting with the midwife I called dr. kelly to see whether i could make a earlier appointment with her to see if i could meet with her sooner to see whether i'd like her. we only had a week to decide whether we wanted to with shanon (the midwife we met with) and had to give her an answer within the week. i called the doctor's office and tried to make an appointment.. but to no avail. the phone was busy for most of the afternoon and once i actually got through the person i talked to sounded so reluctant to make an appointment for me. she said, but you already have an appointment for december. and i said but i'd like to meet with her before hand so I can see whether i want to go with her or not, and she's like, why wouldn't you go with her? she's agreat doctor.... and i was just thinking.. shouldn't *I* be the one to decide that?

so long story short, she said that the person who makes appointments would call me back. So far, she hasn't called yet. .

this weekend we talked to two couples who've had different experiences. both had C sections.. one was planned and the other wasn't. one had a doctor and the other had a midwife. both were breeched pregnancies. i guess the only way to know is to ask a bunch of questions and make our own decision on things.

wish me luck tomorrow on getting a new midwife! :)