Another Day
Here I sit on a rainy Saturday. I should say, here I lay in my bed...again. I've been on strict bed rest for over 3 weeks. I'm only 23 weeks pregnant and I had a cerclage put in last Thursday. So, here I am. Bed rest. Our goal is 28 weeks but the realtiy is, the longer I can go, the better. Today is hard. My 4 year old son came barging in the bedroom door this morning knowing full well I was asleep. Sound asleep. So then in follows the 2 year old son. And that has set the tone for the day. The rain doesn't help.
My pregnancy was unplanned and yes, as horrible as it sounds, unwanted. I go back and forth almost every single minute of the day. I know I'm having a girl and for some reason that still doesn't make all of this okay. I've never been one of those women just "dying" to have a girl. I've been very happy w/ my boys and have never wanted anything else. There was even a part of me that maybe was hoping for another boy and now we know a girl is supposed to be joining us. I have felt sick. Dealt w/ more migraines and now an incomptent cervix w/ this pregnancy. I'm getting to the viable stage...the stage where if she's born from 24 weeks on the dtrs will do what they can to keep her alive but the risk of serious handicaps exists.
At my last cervical ultrasound my cervix looked good and there's been no change in anything since the surgery...but now I sit here and think..okay, seriously, 3 more months???? I'm so frustrated, depressed, scared that I don't even know what emotion to feel right at this moment. My boys are acting out from not having mommy hands on and my husband acts like he doesn't know how to dress them and my mom, although wonderful and staying every day w/ me to help w/ the boys while my husbands at work, its not the kind of grandma that gets down and dirty w/ them. She tries...God knows she tries.
So, here I lay. Just my laptop, my cats and I while my sons get to go and have fun w/ everyone but me. Every mom feels they have a special connection w/ their child(ren). I know I do or at least had. They will come and sit w/ me and we'll play games and snuggle a little..but the 4 year old is fading away from me. He's becoming such the little man..no time for Mommy, must go play outside w/ my friends, w/ Daddy, w/ Papaw. Has my special time w/ him gone away?
I am angry and indifferent at the same time. Where is God and I didn't ask for any of this, none of it...and here I lay, on a cold rainy Saturday.
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