Initial fears/first thoughts.
This will be difficult to do this late in the game, but i wanted to get down on paper some of my/our initial feelings when marky and i first found out we had conceived a baby.
When we only suspected, it was something i kind of joked about in order to lighten the seriousness of the situation - and marky would regularly ask me to tell him that i really wasn't pregnant, just to calm his nerves. I had no answer that would please him because he knew that not only had i missed my period, i felt that something was off.
Part of what made it so difficult is that marky and i did not have the type of relationship where you make a child together. We met through parties, and really just found someone we saw we could have a good time with for a little while. A much shorter while than it turned out to be, that's for sure. I had also just gotten out of a 6 1/2 year relationship only a few months before with my ex Rich, (without so much as a single pregnancy scare!), and was not looking for any kind of commitment to anyone in any way. But somehow, one of the first days that marky and i slept together, we conceived a baby.
Now to be clear (as much as i hate to admit this), i was sleeping with rich up until the middle of Jan, and marky and i started hooking up in the beginning of Jan. So yes, there is a small (but i mean SMALL) chance that the baby is rich's. But god i hope not. Marky is insisting on a parternity test as soon as we can, which i understand, but as much as we can't know for sure quite yet - i'm about 98% sure that the baby is marky's, for a few reasons. And though i worry about marky's ability to be the responsible and mature father i want him to be, i would NEVER raise a child with rich. Especially not after the breakup we had, and how things stand now.
Now obviously marky and i did not plan for this to happen - it was not only unexpected, but one of the last things both of us wanted in our lives right now. Especially for this kind of.. relationship. When we found out the test results in the dr's office we both started shaking out of fear for what this meant. We left completely speechless aside from "shit shit shit".
We told his mom first, and she took it BEAUTIFULLY. She was pregnant herself (she gave birth to a baby girl; Cynthia May at the end of March!) and had already had 4 sons, so her advice was that it really was going to be ok, everything happens for a reason, and it will all work out. We were both thankful for her to be so relaxed about it - and i think it helped both of us feel better, at least a LITTLE.
It took me a few days to tell my mom, and unfortunately marky was unable to be there for it, but the first thing she did was give me a hug, which i NEEDED. She was really scared to see a couple of kids having a kid, but at the same time she was VERY excited to have another grandchild on the way. I had been listening to her talk about how she wanted more grandkids so often and so long that i told her this was all her fault! :)
Now, 2 months later, marky and i are still seeing each other (it's nice, but let's see how long that actually lasts!), and though we are both still scared shitless, we're already falling in love with our unborn son and the excitement is starting to peek through more and more with each passing week. |
