Ok. There is ENTIRELY too much information at my disposal. A click of a button and I will absolutely scare myself to death. Today alone I have been convinced that I have miscarried the baby and that this pregnancy is going to stick. All because I lurk on pregnancy blogs and question forums and insert my situation in whatever scenario applies. Good grief.

I finally figured out how to make the spotting  stop......tmi possibly......have sex. That's right. I haven't had any spotting since sex. Now THAT is what I call therapy! I was totally nauseous this afternoon at brunch. I took that as a positive sign that even though I have been spotting for going on 4 days, I still feel my uterus stretching and boobs still sore AND I want to vomit.....YAY!!! Who would have thought those things would make me so happy? Today is Mothers Day. I will share with you what I was unable to voice out loud. I was terrified that I was going to miscarry my baby on Mothers Day. I have made it. Even if I miscarry next week.....at least it won't be on this day. That is just too much. I get my hcg test again in the morning. I should find out by noon what my levels are. Since I am an accountant by trade, I have worked out the acceptable scenarios. My levels need to be between 4000-6000 tomorrow to be any good, That would leave me at 48 hour doubling rate. Here's to hoping. In good faith I made an appointment with my new OB. I meet with the nurse on Wednesday for my "get to know you" visit. I don't even think I will need to take my clothes off for that one. Depending on my labs tomorrow.....I will request to have an early ultrasound. We'll see how that plays out. Until tomorrow.....I am going to be a WRECK!

Well....what does every woman want to avoid when they are pregnant? Spotting. Yup. That's what I had to look forward to today. I panicked and called my OB (who moves in two weeks) and she sent me to get blood drawn again. It went from 583 to 935. She said it was fine. Now I just get to wait until Monday and see what happens from there. I wish they could just do an ultrasound and tell me if I was going to miscarry or not. That doesn't show much faith does it? I know that there is a possibility that this baby could be fine. I scoured the web looking for information and you know what I found? Great stories and horror stories. Why do I do that to myself? Now, I get to get on the freeway and drive 3 hours round trip to pick up my son from Grandpa's house. At least I have him to look forward to. I'm not feeling real optimistic right now so I am going to sign off and come back when I have a better attitude!

Well, I received the test results on Monday afternoon. I stressed out until I couldn't wait any longer. I called the office to make sure that my results didn't fall behind the desk, or their fax machine was broken....or maybe their phones weren't working! I have to tell you, it has been my experience that when the DOCTOR calls you back, it is not great news. I spoke to the nurse practitioner and she put me on hold for an unbearable amount of time (30 seconds) and came back on the line to tell me.......EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT!!! My numbers more than doubled to 583. I am supposed to go back in a week and test again just to make sure that everything is progressing normally. I figure by my next test my levels should be anywhere between 6500 and 9000. I'm not nearly as nervous as I was. I don't feel out of the woods yet though because when I had my last miscarriage, my levels were at 2000. I will feel infinitely better after the next test results.

The newest development in my pregnancy symptoms is the horrible backache. Seriously, where did this come from? My chest is an off limits area at this point and I'm not feeling so hot at this moment. Why did pickles and avocado call my name and I answered?!? yuck.

On the plus side, I am not NEARLY as bitchy as I was last time I was pregnant. My mom knew I was pregnant with my son because she said I was so bitchy. I don't feel hormonal at all yet. I'm hoping that this is the first of many signs that I am having a girl. I need a girl in this house to offset all the testosterone bouncing off the walls. On another note, my son is visiting his grandparents and I keep getting text messages with pictures attached of them doing fun things....Imax 3-d movie.....the boardwalk......Uncle Ron's firetruck. Life doesnt' get much better than that for a four year old. I better run. I have been on the road since 6:30  this morning to make a conference that was two and a half hours away and come home. I'm so wiped out but dinner needs to be made, laundry started and put away....all before I fall into bed at 8:30! Goodnight.

Welcome to the first entry on my journal. I suppose I should tell you about myself up to this point. I am looming on thirty years old (6 more weeks). I told myself that I wanted to have some key things accomplished by the time I was thirty. 1) be in a job I love that actually makes some money 2) be done having kids 3) have gone on a cruise or exotic vacation. Well, two out of three aren't bad. Looks like I'll be postponing any possible exotic vacations!! 

In January 2003 I was 24 and found out I was pregnant with my first child. I was so happy as was my husband. We told everyone we knew our exciting news. Unfortunately, I started to cramp and bleed in my 6th week and had a miscarriage. My poor husband, happy anniversary to us. We were so sad. Luckily my body knew what it needed to do and spared me the necessity of having to go to the hospital for a D&C. That would have just been too much for me at that point.  The grieving period was short lived as I found out I was pregnant just 5 weeks later. What a shock. I just sat on the stairs and sobbed. I didn't want to go through that again. I had felt like such a failure as a woman the first time. I know it wasnt my fault but I still felt like the baby was my responsibility and I couldn't protect it. Anyway, I stayed pregnant that time and gave birth on November 12, 2003 to a very rambunctious boy. He is the light of my life and partially the reason we are in the position we are right now! Mom PLEASE can I have a sister......PLEASE. What can I say, he is spoiled!

This leads me to where I am today. Sitting in front of my computer sharing my deapest hopes and fears. All of the things I am afraid to say out loud I will tell you. Maybe it will help us.

I am currently 17 days past ovulation (dpo) and have known I was pregnant right away. I just KNEW. I wanted to have a blood test done to ease my mind. I went in yesterday. The doctor (who's practice closes next week mind you) said that she wants me to go back to the lab on Monday (3 days) and have another blood draw and she will call me that afternoon with the results. I'm in the car with two girlfriends at lunch and am having a panic attack because THEY don't know and this is a conversation I really need to have! Oh well. She is concered because my HCG levels at 16 dpo were only 119. She didn't realize I was on 16 dpo. She thought I was six weeks along. When I told her, she said she felt SO much better about my numbers but she still wanted me to have another test. So what did I do? I OBSESSED! I  I Google'd everything that I could think of that would apply to my situation. Some were good and some not so good. I have decided (between me and you) that I am going to be as positive as I can and love this little tadpole for as long as I have it. I am not going to live in fear (like I did during my last pregnancy) that today is my last day. Welcome to my journey.

Amanda