emotionally ranting. I jump around. Im so scared this isn't going to work. I have ONE month and thats it. There is no more trying for me. This will be the last vial of sperm and then Im out of the game. I dont have enough money to do this every month. One medicated cycle + one vial of sperm is 1300+ depending on how many u/s and how much clomid you need. I cant pull myself away from looking at double strollers, baby clothes, newborn diapers, breast pumps. I keep reading vbac birth after vbac birth. Im praying that this works. I talked to the nurse about when I would ovulate, if it would be like it was last time. She said its a whole new ball game. Im devestated. U/s are 200 a piece. I only planned for 1. Im so scared. Im so so so scared guys. My heart is breaking. I want to be pregnant. I want to see my baby on the ultrasound I want to feel my baby move inside. I want it to be me. I remember before I had my son and hearing woman who were ttc #2+. I couldn't understand their debilitating want. They had already done it. How could they possibly need it so much again. Now I understand. When I sit down and calm my heart is content that it will work. Then I will worry and I dont know that it will. My heart is nervous, I am nervous. Im holding my breath. Im so scared. I have one shot. I hope its enough. At times I want to burst into tears. This is so beyond emotionally draining. I have no control. Its in god's hands. I trust him. I have faith. I fear now isn't his time. He knows best but it will be devestating. Im so sad.
2006-12-29 (0 weeks)
Going to an ultrasound soon I'm getting ready to go meet my friend at Fetal Fotos. We are going to see her baby kicking and squirming inside. Hopefully this little sweetheart will show us what he or she is. I'm so excited and honored that she picked me to come along for such an amazing event.
However, like most things as of late, its tinged with the fear, worry and hurt that I won't be next. What if this doesn't work? What if I'm not pregnant before she has her little angel? I don't want to be one of those women (completely understandable for those that are.) who can't hold or see a baby without bursting into tears. If I don't get pregnant in January I can't try again for months if not a year.
God give me the strength to let this be Kasey's moment. Help me to hold my fears and worries asside, if not forever at least until I'm safe at home.
2006-12-29 (0 weeks)
Emotions running high It has only been a few hours since my last entry and I'm already back. This really is a great tool to have through this bad? scary? frustrating? exciting? emotionally draining! time.
I'm truly scared. Saying Im worried doesn't adaquately descibe the level or "worry". I'm a wreck. I don't know if its purely from the prometrium or a combination of everything.
I didn't realize how much I am putting my hopes and dreams into this one shot of sperm. I knew I wanted a sibling for "P", I knew I want to have a different birth experience, Im desperately hoping I can nourish this baby with my breasts as I couldn't with "P". I didn't consciously know I'm aching to be another little miracle's mommy. The rest of the stuff is just icing on the cake. If I get the same birth expirence, if I can't breastfeed again, if I am seperated from my child for the first 13 hours again I will get through it. I just want to hold a new little person that is mine and only mine. No one can take him or her away. I can snuggle him or her. I will know what is best for him or her (most of the time).
I want my family to grow.
2006-12-29 (0 weeks)
Day 3 of Progesterone Im on day 3 of the progesterone. Last night my mood was all over the place and Im pretty sure my heart was racing. If it happens again I will call the fertility specialist. I have 7 more days before I will start watching for my period.
I honestly thought this time it was going to be easy. I "knew" what to expect. It's turning out it may be more complicated than the last time. Im so upset. I called the fertility nurse and asked about when I will ovulate. She said she didn't know. It's a whole new ball game. I was crushed. Every ultrasound I get will be 200.00. Insurance doesn't cover a thing. I only saved enough to do one cycle just the way I did to get pregnant with my son "P". After that call I felt crushed, and still do. This is a one shot deal. There are no second chances for me. I guess I didn't realize exactly how much I was counting on getting pregnant this month. I'm so hurt and worried.
