Yesterday I took my last prometrium pill. YAY. Now Im on the AF watch patrol. Yesterday in the afternoon I was cramping pretty bad and had a tiny brown spot. I was sure she'd come today. She hasn't as of 10am. Im cramping again though. If AF does show up today that will be about 5 days earlier than I was expecting. This means I will really have to get in gear. I still haven't gotten my blood work done yet. The fertility center will not treat me if they arent in by CD 10. If I start today that gives me only nine days. That may not be long enough. They have to be done at the hospital, then sent to the lab, then the results need to be sent to my OBGYN office, then they have to send them to the fertility center. Thats a lot of traveling in nine days. Wish me luck.
2007-01-06 (0 weeks)
Keeping up with the Joneses Well, I did it again. Me trying to keep up with the Joneses is a losing battle yet I cant help but try.
I have been talking to a good friend about our cameras (Nikon D70) lately and it sparked a want. You see, she has just started her own "at home" photography studio. She's really good at it and her pictures always come out amazing. She says its just her flash. Some how I bought into it. I started searching E-vil-bay trying to find a good deal.
I found one 169.00 + shipping. It was used but minimally. Luckily I pulled my head out of the sand before I bought it. I felt good. I actually made the right choice this time. Im a huge online impulse buyer.
That was, until we talked about the cameras, her studio, her schedule, her skills (or lack there of as she claims.) It lite the fire once again. This time there was no going back. I searched the e-vil-bay again. This time I found a brand new SB-600 for 199.00 + 6.95 shipping. I waited and waited and waited hoping I would change my mind or for the love of god someone would buy it out from under me...Two hours later no one had saved me and bought it. I hadn't changed my mind. I hit the BIN button.
It was all down hill from there. Now that I BIN'd I had to actually pay for it. I didn't know you could seriously become physically nauseous from making a payment.
Its paid for and now I have to figure out finances. What the hell was I thinking *bangs head*. Now is not the best time to be buying items like this. *bangs head a little harder* On the up side I should have better pictures...
2007-01-04 (0 weeks)
"It happens to every mother." Those were the words said to me by the lady who brought me back my little escape artist son today.
I took "P" to a new pediatic office today for a check up because he hasn't been sleeping well at all and a lot of days lately he didn't want to eat. We get there I sign in and joke around with the front desk because the girl taking my info was new. Every 5-10 seconds I was flipping my head around. So much so that the lady at the desk was trying to figure out what I was looking at. I was watching "P" move through the four sections in the waiting room.
After I was done filling out the paperwork and chatting I went to the section "P" was in. The sections were made up of "half walls". They were solid but they were just tall enough so that you could lean on them. "P" went into one of the sections by the open double doors. I stood leaning on the wall seperating the section he was in and the section close to the front desk. He was quietly playing with a wood block that had activities on all the sides. When he sat down all I could see was the very tip of his head. All was well. I looked over into the other section where a HDTV was. Just so we are all clear *big mistake* I had never seen one. You could see the sweater this lady had on was knitted. I was thrilled. After literally 30 seconds I flipped my head around and couldn't see "P". I couldn't even see the very tip top of his head. I slowly walked over to it thinking surely he would be behind it. He wasn't. My heart started to race a little. I looked through all the other sections trying not to look like I was looking for my child (being the horrible mother I am and all.) He wasn't anywhere in the sections. I walked out into the hall. He wasn't there. My heart was pounding fast now. I went up to the front desk. All the women were talking. I waited for them to finish their sentence. It was taking too long. I looked at one of the ladies that was just joking with me minutes before. "My baby is gone." She stared blankly at me as if I was meaning it figuratively. She wasn't getting it. "MY BABY IS GONE." I started tearing up. My heart in my throat. All three women standing there "got it." It was still taking too long so I turned around and went for the hall again. Im really crying now. I heard "what was he wearing." I didn't turn around. I couldn't talk. If I did I would have gotten hysterical, then who would look for him?
I started thinking this is going to get really ugly fast. He really can't be found. He is no where. He's really gone. There will be cops. I will be crying and my mom will show up. The police will be standing over me writing what he wore down. The medical office will be on lock down. I will start having seizures.
Four steps into the hall I saw "P"s big puffy coat. He was walking towards me with an older woman. It was over. He was back and safe. "P" was happy as can be. He had no idea the comotion that was going on in my soul over him missing. He held the older woman's finger like he always holds mine. Ready and willing to go wherever she took him.
I can't remember if I said anything right then. I know I picked him up and trying not to really break into a sob I told him he can't run off like that. The older lady that brought him to me said "It happens to every mother." She was very kind. She understood I wasn't a bad mom. She was trying to help me understand that.
I know we never hugged, but it felt like we had. She either came close to me or I walked back towards her. She said they always do that and they still run away when they're 22. Then she walked into the peds waiting area. At some point during this at least two of the women from the desk came out of different doors to us. They didn't get in the way, but they saw that he had been found. After a minute we walked back in the waiting area. I was never more than two steps behind him.
A family was sitting in the section we went into. The dad said something to "P". I can't remember what it was. It was in a fun manner of did you try to run away? or something.
After a few minutes we ended up in the section the older woman was in. It didn't dawn on me until right then. I asked her where she had found him.
I thought she had found him in an office. She hadn't. It could have been far worse. The older woman had come off the elevator and he was standing right there waiting. She said he looked like a little boy on a mission. My heart sank so low I swore it came out of my body. One more second. He could have been gone forever. Any person could have walked off that elevator. Any person could have taken him from any point along his way. I felt worse than I ever has as his mom. I hadn't allowed myself to think about the possibility of a stranger taking him. It would hurt to much. She again reassured me that every child does that. Praise God she was the one that found him. God was watch out for my little boy and myself. Praise God "P" is safe and sound tucked into bed.
2007-01-01 (0 weeks)
I'm feeling a lot better. Two days into taking the prometrium my heart started racing and I had chest pains. I was sure it was the meds but didn't want to stop taking them. If I could just get through the next week I'd still be on track with ttc. However as the time wore on it was apparent that continuing the meds could possibly endanger my life. On day 4 I held off taking them and felt fine. Then I drank another bottle of Crystal Light. Soon after my heart started racing and my chest hurt. Bingo, I figured it out. It WASN'T the meds (thank goodness) it was the damn Crystal Light will all of its artificial filler crap that I've known good and well for years I shouldn't be drinking. Only 4 days of drinking it and I was worried about a heart attack. I'll pass on CL for the rest of my life thank you very much.
I still have fears about this not working, but it is soley in God's hands and I have to accept that. No amount of begging, pleading and crying will change God's will. I want this baby more than I can say. I want him or her just as much as I wanted my son. Now I have to give my want to God. He will know what is best for me.
I pray its to add to my family.
Four more days of the Prometrium and then I will be watching for my period. Dr Wong says it should arrive 3-4 days after the last pill. That puts me at about the 9th of January. I can't wait to start taking the Clomid. That will really make it real. I feel like I've been walking through a dream (not good or bad just certainly not reality.) The one time it's felt real is walking out of the fertility clinic with the orders and RXs. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. All of this is on me, no one else. I have to take the meds, I have to be probed by the ever wonderful dildo cam (vaginal ultrasound wand), its my body that has to make good quality follies, its me who gets the bill and its my heart thats broken if it doesn't work (I try not to dwell on that one .) However, Im also the one who will get to carry this precious miracle. I will be the one who gets the feel the first kick and I will get to know this little being before any other person. What a blessing.
Out of the blue my sister keeps asking, no, begging that I have another baby right now, She wants a neice (I've kindly reminded her that just because I get pregnant doesn't mean it will be a girl this time.) She wants another cute little baby to hold. She promises that she will take care of "P" while I care for the baby. The number one reason she wants me to have another baby though is so she can throw me another baby shower LOL. That was too cute. Did I mention she was 10?
All I tell her is "not today." I can't/won't/refuse to tell a 10 year old (blabber mouth) anything that needs to be kept under wraps. Only someone lacking a large portion of their brain would do such a thing. I still think it's extremely sweet and Im hoping she senses a baby is coming some how.
Before I go I just want to say Thank You from the bottom of my heart those of you that have left messages for me. We are all on this roller coster together (for better or worse) and I'll be here for you guys if and or when you need me.
.) However, Im also the one who will get to carry this precious miracle. I will be the one who gets the feel the first kick and I will get to know this little being before any other person. What a blessing.