So all I want to do is sleep or cry.  On the weekends, I pretty much sleep the entire weekend away, not ever getting dressed or leaving the house.  Im just worrying about way too many things.

I dont want to have to work for a year after the baby is born.  But that is not going to be financially feasible.  How will I afford both of our insusrance, as well as diapers, etc, make a car payment, have gas to get anywhere, car insurance??

Lets say I take a 6-8 week short term disability leave.  Well, more than likely IM going to have to return to work, or pay back those wages.  How long do I have to go back and work?  While Im "paying" back those wages, who is going to be able to help me with the baby?  The thought of leaving my baby with ANYONE, makes me start crying all over again.

After I do that, and I quit my job to move back home with the fam... what will I do about health insurance for both of us?  Someone has suggested that I do COBRA, where you carry over your insurance until you get another job or what not... but thats SKY HIGH!  Will I even qualify for govt insurance based on my past earnings?

What if I go back to work just part time?  Will I be eligible for health insurance?  Will that be enough income to survive until my child is one?  I just need to find something that will allow me to be at home for the greatest amount of time during that first year especially.  (Why a year you ask??  Because I want to breastfeed for at LEAST a year)

The least of my worries, but still a worry, is the sperm donor.  His silence is deafening.  What is he up to?  Is he examing every legal angle out there?  I know he is mad that i made the decision to have this baby without ever asking for his input.  So since I was soooo determined to have my baby, is he trying to find ways to make sure my life becomes a living hell?  Is he going to fight me for custody?  This is what makes me hesitant to sue for child support.  I do not want him to have custody of my baby unsupervised (BY ME) much less at all. 

I know this is not a unique situation... and I guess if I wasnt so determined to want to be at home with the baby, I would be a lot less tressed.  Its just so frustrating!

Well its official (hmph, took me a few minutes to think how to spell official.... is it right???)... anyway, had to make a run at 11:30 tonight to go get a cinnamon roll from whataburger, okay, so I got two.  It was sooooo good with a tall glass of milk.  My very first craving!  (It's okay Mommie, Darla rode with me for protection!)

So Im an internet instant messenger junkie....some guy that I talk to every now and then, just out of the clear blue emails me after we havent spoken in months.  He writes that he had a disturbing dream about me, and wanted to check in to see how I was doing.

I write him back, that I am 3 months pregnant, daddy doesnt want to be involved and Ill be moving to Houston shortly after the baby is born....  Of course he writes me back, his dream was about me being pregnant, in a not too great scenario and that I was moving.  Going along with his psychic dream here, I ask him what I had in the dream... a girl or boy.  He told me a boy.  So there's my first prediction!

Everyone knows I want a boy, Bubba even wants me to have a boy (Mainly so he has an excuse to buy horse cow boy toys!!!!).  BUT, I will be fine with a girl too... that will be a playmate for Savannah, and I can be the favorite aunt!

I got lazy over the holidays... not writing... I was busy.... E-A-T-I-N-G!!!!

Thanks Aunt Irene for the pickle story.... nearly made me gag just thinking about it!!!

Went to the doctor today for my 3 month visit.  The doppler thing wasnt working for us to listen to the heartbeat, so she just used the ultrasound machine.  I could see the little legs just kicking away in there!  Thankfully, I cant feel them yet... but at least I know what I am up against!

A funny story from the OB/GYN.... this is my first woman gynecologist.  This was only my second visit to see her, and I got to have my first pelvic exam by a woman.  So she's checking out my ovaries (you know the whole fingers inside of you thing), and my butt was clinched so tight, it had my whole pelvis lifted up off the table.  She stopped, and said "What you are doing with your butt.... you've got yourself lifted up on the table, I need you to put it back down"  Probably would have been the best opportunity to let her know that she was the first woman that had ever touched me, I mean maybe that I would have explained my tight butt!

Today I found out that I have skin (oh shoot i cant remember the name!!!), but like a little extra clump of skin (Maybe similar to a rolypoly mole??) on one of my nipples, she saw a septum in my uterus which will most likely cause the baby to be unable to turn around when time to birth (a breech birth), and that my cervix is probably going to take longer to dilate.  Doesnt labor already sound fun for me???  Hey at least the baby will have a little mole type thing to play with while they are nursing!!!  OH yeah, I believe Ive already gained nearly 10 lbs in the first trimester... you would think the x-large maternity overalls that I had to buy would have been my first clue!

As for the sperm donor update... he never responded to the email I sent him letting him know that I had gotten to hear the heartbeat for the first time.  Of course, I got a lecture on having some pride and NOT to email him anymore.  But then again, he did look like a "serial killer" when I shared some pictures with the fam at home.  Yeah, I know how to pick em!!!

So my newest aggrevating symptom... every night when i go to bed, I feel as though my whole entire body is growing hair at the speed of light.  I feel itchy everywhere!  Any suggestions for that one??  Maybe its an anxiety attack in a new form....

Going to have to continue the waiting game on Mommie.  She met with the surgeon at MD Anderson today and he said that he wanted to wait and just watch the spot on her lungs, instead of operating right now.  Said it was too small for surgery....  So I guess we have to wait for it to grow?

Still witholding my news from my manager at work.  Just have this feeling that she is not going to take the news very well... for one, she is pregnant herself and due end of february begininng of march, so our maternity leaves may cross paths....  I still to find out what happens if you take short term disability and then dont return.  (we dont have maternity leave, we have short term disability)  I think sometimes, that if you dont return to work from short term leave, that you have to pay the company back for that time off or something?  Remember, Im trying to work and keep my insurance as long as possible.  One of my friends suggested that if I have to return to work... just go in one day, break down crying, and say I cant do it... that I miss my baby too much.  Not sure,  I mean I cant go ask human resources "what happens if you decide you dont want to come back to work", just seems like a green light for them to find a reason to get rid of you before the time comes!  Anyone have any experience with this???