No Real Title This has been the most emotional Christmas of my life. I wanted so bad to tell my mom today, to confide in her. But I know she will be disappointed, and I don't need any negativity right now. I'm telling her tomorrow though. I need to get scheduled for my first OBGYN visit, to make sure everything is ok. I'm having cramps that worry me, even though they are probably normal. I'm think I'm gonna take another test tomorrow morning, just to ease my mind a little.
Jake was so sweet today. We couldn't spend Christmas together, and I miss him so much. I joke with him about drinking sometimes (mostly today because I got alcohol as a gift), and it upsets him to think of me drinking or doing anything to hurt the baby. I was telling him that right now it looks like a strange little dinosaur/manatee, and he told me it was the most beautiful manasaur he's never seen. I seriously don't know what I would do if he wasn't so sweet and supportive.
I still can't get over the intense love that I feel for this baby. I want to take every day and every week as it comes, but I want to get past that 12th week and have some peace of mind. I want to love it so much, but I know that I could be setting myself up for heartbreak if anything were to happen. I'm thinking positively though, and will continue to be positive until a doctor tells me otherwise. I'm so glad that I joined a message board and my August due date club. Knowing that the other girls have the same mixed emotions I do really helps. It's so hard to be ecstatic yet depressed, want to tell everyone but not want to talk about it. It's all that I think about. I'm still amazed at how fast pregnancy has changed me.
2007-12-24 (4 weeks)
Is This Weird? "You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely."
I hope this is a moment chosen wisely. I am pregnant. And I've known for, what, ALMOST 3 days? Not even 3 days yet. And I am already completely in love with this ugly little thing growing inside me. But I think that it is the coolest ugly little alien ever, and I can't stop looking at pictures or trying to figure out what's going on with my kid right now. My kid...that's so weird to say. I'm going to be a mommy. Jake almost made me cry today when he sent me a text that said "I love you mommy". We're going to be ok. Our baby is going to be ok.
I'm so excited for everything. I am going to cry so hard when I hear the heartbeat. Every time I get a strong cramp, I hope and pray that I'm not about to miscarry or that it's not an ectopic pregnancy. I know that this early, there's a lot that can go wrong and a lot that's uncertain. But the fact that this little blob of cells made it to my uterus and is making me pee positive..well, it's amazing. I can't wait to see it on an ultrasound. I can't wait to feel it kick. I can't wait to grow my bump, and I'm pretty excited about growing some boobs, even if they're temporary. I want the 4D ultrasound so I can see its little face. I also can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl so I can stop callilng it and it, and start coming up with names, and shopping, and decorating, and I could go on and on.
Don't get me wrong, I'm also completely terrified. I haven't told my mom yet because I'm scared to deal with the being mad part. I just want to get right to the her being excited part. I'm scared that something will go wrong, or that the baby won't be healthy. I worry that something will happen to Jake in Iraq when he goes, and that he'll leave me a widow. I'm just scared because there is so much that needs to be done, so much to worry about when you know you're gonna bring a child into the world.
I'm trying to stay calm and do everything right. I know it sounds like I stress a lot, but I really don't. I am trying to keep my uterus as calm as I can for the baby. My life has changed so much already. And I'm scared, but so excited because I know it's all going to be ok. I am so in love with life right now.
2007-12-23 (4 weeks)
Today's Not As Good I'll just start with the symptoms I've had so far, then get into my thoughts/feelings.
-sore breasts
-some period cramping, some new cramping
-steadily worsening nausea
-gas
-lack of bloating like I do for my period
-decreased appetite
-weird taste in mouth
-today I've been super emotional
-missed period
-no temp drop
-3 positive HPTs
-my sense of smell has gone haywire. I'm either stuffed up or can smell things a mile away
I'm so overwhelmed right now. I mostly peed on the stick to make AF start, as it's worked before lol. I wasn't actually expecting there to be 2 lines. I was planning to drive to Manhattan and see Jake anyway, so it worked out well. The drive was the MOST stressful of my entire life - snow blowing sideways, whiteout conditions. I could hardly see 5 cars ahead, they closed down 40 miles of the highway and I took a side highway. I had to stop all the time to de-ice my windshield wipers. Oh, and I had just found out I was pregnant. I tried not to get too stressed because I don't want to hurt the baby in any way. When I told him, he was quiet for a while, hugged me, and sat on his bed. He told me he wasn't expecting that, then we just started talking about what to do (we did not discuss abortion, just talking about getting married and letting the army pay for it all, where to live, etc). He put his hand on my belly where I had shown him some of my pains were and said, "So our baby is right there?" It was adorable. He was so cute yesterday that I was feeling really good.
Today, not so much. He's more worried, I'm more worried. He just got in trouble for a DUI, and he's worried about taking care of me, the baby, and himself. He's excited, but stressed, and so much of my happiness revolves around him that I feel bad. He said he fefels like he ruined my life, and I told him to never say that again. I don't feel like my life is ruined. I'm overwhelmed, I don't know what to think sometimes, but I'm excited at the same time. I was so worried I couldn't ever have kids, and here I am (about) four weeks along. I know I'm not in the clear yet, but I never expected to get here, so I'll take every day as it comes. This is the easy part, right? LOL.
