Ball Lightning

I had always said I would love my baby however he turned out. And of course, I do love him more than anything in the world. Nonetheless, when I imagined him, I pictured a sweetly smiling, calm and cuddly bundle happily lying in my arms. At least I pictured he would be that way when he wasn't colicky and screaming his head off as all babies do.

What I didn't picture was a potato sack-sized tornado of persistence and determination working so hard to explore every detail, underside and facet of every single thing to be found on this planet, relentlessly pulling himself up on my night table to investigate over and over again, bawling with exhaustion and still not ready to give up. I never conceived of a teapot-sized tempest screaming and writhing as I attempted to change him and I never pictured myself having to use my feet to gently pin him on his back while my hands whipped wipes and tabs around at pit-stop speed.  My only hope is that he will become more cooperative as he starts to understand that I am only trying to do what is necessary, but I know better now than to imagine how anything might be when it comes to parenting. The only thing I know for sure is that you have no idea unless you've been there yourself.

Everyone else's kids seem to cooperate while they're being changed or stuffed into their snowsuits, but Gunner can't stand to be on his back, even for a moment. The moms at the playgroup suggested I give him a toy, make faces at him or sing to him. Riiiiiight. As if I haven't tried all that. No, the fact is that my boy just has way better things to do than lie on his back and put up with being attended to.

Sometimes when he's alseep, I pick him up and cuddle him like I did when he was a newborn. I had no idea that cuddly phase would be over so soon and I miss it already. Soon he'll be so big I won't even be able to pretend while he's asleep so I'd better get my hugs and cuddles in while he's napping because I can forget about doing it while he's awake.

It seems like one of life's typical ironies that I, an exceptionally affectionate person, would have a kid who doesn't want to be nuzzled and petted and cuddled, but only wants to go, go, go all the time. He does like to be carried around for now ( baby taxi), for a little while anyway and as long as I show him interesting things, and he likes to be held by me when he's having the kind of meltdown for which the only cure is his mommy, but he's a rough-and-tumble kid all the way.

He started to creep on Christmas day, half a week before he turned six months. At six 1/2 months he was able to get into a sitting position on his own and to crawl properly, and a few days after that he started to pull himself up to stand on the edge of anything he could get his hands on.

Tonight as I was undressing him as he stood holding on to the edge of the bathtub, he turned around with his back to the tub and as I took his diaper off I realized that he had stood for a second on his own, without any support at all. I tried it again and he did it again. Only for a second, but wow, was that amazing. I'm sure he'll be standing on his own by the end of the month and walking by 9 months. I think he'll feel better once he is able to keep his balance well because for the time being he still sometimes loses it and falls right on his head every time.

Suddenly the much repeated phrase "They grow up so fast" rings truer than I ever realized anything could.

Arron asked me tonight if I didn't think we should start trying soon for a little brother or sister for Gunner. This is a tough question. Of course, it would be nice for him to have a sibling to play with, grow up with and to keep him company.

 The problem is that it cost us about $20000 to have Gunner and we were very lucky it worked out as it did. With the sorry state my ovaries are in, we would have an extremely low chance of succeeding a second time. As for the financial aspect of it, I am still amazed at the fact that we actually got that amount of money together in the first place. I guess if we did it once we could do it again, but I was not able to make any money playing the keyboard last summer because of my pregnancy and doing IVFagain would pretty much tap us out if I spent next summer pregnant again and were unable to work again for that reason. Plus, after spending the better part of the last 2 years either pregnant or on fertility drugs, I am glad to have my sanity back and be myself again now that my hormones have finally been given the chance to go back to normal.

 We could basically gather up the funds and blow them at the IVF roulette, whereas it would be a better and safer bet to spend them on the child we already have. As parents of an only child, we will have the means to give our son a good life, to provide for all his needs, to send him to a good school,  special classes and summer camp when he gets older. We could give him the best of everything we have and he would be the sole object of our love and doting.

There are a lot of only children that do well in the world. It's not as if we would be doing him a great injustice by not giving him a sibling, is it? And moreover, siblings are not guaranteed to have good relationships with one another. Sometimes they turn out quite bitter and painful.

When I was battling infertility, I felt shattered as I struggled to come to terms with the fact that I might never have a child. I am so blessed to have been relieved of that burden and yes, I am happy with what I have. But, as in all things, we strive forward to new goals and as a family the next milestone would be a second child. Still, at the end of our discussion tonight Arron and I decided to fold and quit while we are ahead, and though it makes me a little sad it is nothing compared to the heartbreak I endured as I lived as a 'barren' woman.

I am trying to train myself to sleep without the baby.

I supposed I could use the Ferber method and let myself cry it out for a few nights and eventually I would get used to it, but I am too much of a wuss. Booboo is slumbering peacefully in his crib, hypnotized into dreamland by his fancy aquarium mobile. I, on the other hand, am experiencing severe separation anxiety and will soon go scoop up the cure and bring him back into my bed so I can go to sleep and stop sitting here agonizing, waiting for the monitor alarm to sound.  

Winter Wonder-where-it-all-ends Land

Gunner has been with us for six months now and it still feels surreal. I find myself looking at him and asking 'Where did you come from?' It is such a priviledge to have him with us that I still marvel at the fact that we have been given the great honour of being entrusted with the safe-keeping of this most precious creature.

Gunner is amazingly beautiful, so perfect. In his face I see so much of my family' s history, reflections of all his relatives, from myself to my brother to my maternal grandfather. Sometimes when I watch him playing, I get the feeling I am looking at Opa Willy himself come back as a baby.

I myself am struggling not to get depressed these days. As happy as I am to have my son, I feel kind of trapped, not so much by the baby as by my general situation as Arron's partner/caregiver, a role that leaves us basically joined at the hip. I knew this would be the case when I got together with him and I love him and can largely deal with the dependency aspect that is a result of his physical condition, but I feel this overwhelming need to at least just get out of this city now and then, just for a short time. I need a change of scenery and I was hoping I would be able to get it while on maternity leave, but now the weather is so bad I hardly get out at all and getting our passport together would be a feat and by the time the processing is done, my mat leave would be over.

The sidewalks are often not properly plowed and I have to push the baby carriage in the street and carry it over snow banks and it's so cold I can't stand to walk more than a block. In the Metro, I dread having to ask strangers to help me carry the stroller up the stairs. I know I could  technically  just get it together and pick up and leave, but really I don't want to go somewhere out of town all alone with just the baby. I'd like to go somewhere as a family but I know that that is not going to happen. I know Arron could do it if he wanted to, but he is just not motivated enough. Plus, he has a criminal record from 25 years ago that affect his ability to travel.

I just want to get out of here. I sleep in as late as possible just for the escape of it. I have fantasies of just cashing in my air miles and taking off to Hawaii on the spur of the moment. I've got a really bad case of cabin fever. Arron isn't motivated enough to tackle all the hurdles of traveling with the kinds of special needs he has. He is happy to stay home and work on his music and he work and works and cranks that stuff out like it were coming out of a bottomless pitt.

Good for him, but I'm going stir-crazy here.