first midwife appointment Keith & I went to our first appointment with the midwife today. The best part was getting to hear the baby's heartbeat, nice and strong at 162, and then later seeing this little pin with the size of a baby's feet at 10 weeks after conception (hard to describe, sorry), which is exactly where we are now. It was really sweet somehow to see those perfect little feet. Got some blood drawn, got measured and weighed, checked protein and glucose, all that good stuff. It went pretty fast, and I couldn't come up with any good questions for her. Everything is normal and fine. I'm measuring at 14 weeks instead of 12, but I'm sure that will even out. I guess the appointment was fine but I kinda came away feeling like, that's it? and glad that I am okay with the baby's health being up to me, because really I do need more protein and water but even the tests don't show that, only I know that, and so once again I am struck by the realization that even a great midwife can't make me take care of our baby; it's up to me to do that. Does that make sense? It's more encouraging than discouraging but it still seems weird, like I just expect someone to step in and tell me exactly what to do and when, but that's not going to happen, it's up to me to take the initiative.
I've been puking a lot lately, and I'm finding it really hard to find anything that I want to eat. I honestly feel like just not eating anything at all, but I'm forcing food down for the sake of our baby. The problem is that I don't want food, and yet when I start to eat, it's like I can never get enough. It's just frustrating, and I think that is the biggest reason why I am cranky. It's not hormones so much as the fact that I'm just tired of feeling sick all the time. I'm glad I'll be done with the first trimester soon. I painted a picture over the last few days of how my stomach feels during this third month of pregnancy. It didn't turn out quite right, but Keith really likes it and I made it for him anyway.
Did you know that you can look up Toxic Release Inventory info online? Not like I know what most of it means, but I looked it up today just to get a general idea of how many waste chemicals are in our area. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that there doesn't seem to be all that much in Kootenai County. Out of curiosity, I compared it with Utah County (where we lived last year and the environment which would have had influence on our miscarriage, if it wasn't a genetic thing). Utah County has like ten times the amount of chemicals disposed or released as does Kootenai County. That makes sense, since many more people live there, but anyway it is interesting to me.
The thing that has been nagging at me lately, though, is our water quality here, since it is fed by an aquifer which lies under a large farming area. It's spring, so people are spraying crops with fertilizer and pesticides, which you know must soak into the aquifer. Babies conceived in spring in farming areas tend to have more birth defects, so what does that tell you? Developing organs don't respond well to chemicals. So, I'm past the organogenesis part of pregnancy, but I still find that I can't make myself drink our tap water except with meals. Is that just nausea or is that really my body rejecting something in our tap water? Either way, I need water, so I've been drinking lots of juices, and now we are bottling water from Steve & Carmen's well in Benewah County (so we can use glass bottles rather than plastic). Regarding tap water where we live, though, check this out. Utah County had 100,741 surface water discharges in 2007, whereas Kootenai County had 3,487,449. That is a LOT more, especially considering that Utah County has so many more people. Utah County still had more chemicals released overall, but Kootenai County's chemicals seem to be largely in the water. So I think I'm going to stick completely to bottled water for a while, mostly because my body is telling me to do so, but also because this toxic release info backs up my instincts.
Keith is always encouraging to me, but right now I am really appreciating his specific encouragements to me in this pregnancy. When I voice my concerns to him about things like how my body is rejecting our tap water, it sounds so stupid to my ears, like I am just being so ridiculous. But he continually encourages me to trust myself and to follow my instincts in these things, and I am so relieved and encouraged by his support that way.
2008-05-30 (11 weeks)
birth plan stuff Hmm. Birth seems like forever away, but I suppose this baby will be here before I know it! At this point, I guess we do have a birth plan formulated... I have definitely thought through it a lot before... although we haven't written it down. But here are some of the main points to it, as categorized in my brain, for those of you who are interested.
1. Delivering in the birth center. The birth center is literally five minutes from our house, so it should be quite convenient for us. We were considering birthing at home (and are still thinking that direction for the future), but because the center is so close and everything is all ready to go there, including labor/delivery tub, etc, and especially because they have emergency equipment there that we wouldn't have here, it seems like the way to go for us this time. The only reason we will switch to hospital care is if an ultrasound reveals that our baby has an abnormality that will require immediate hospital care after birth or if something happens during labor which will necessitate transfer to the hospital. If that happens, the midwife will take us to the hospital (ten minutes away) and be there with us through the delivery.
2. Freedom during labor. I expect to have the freedom to walk around, change positions, and eat quickly digestible comfort foods during the scope of my labor. (Jamie without food = terrible.) I don't plan to have fetal heart-rate monitoring or pain medications unless absolutely necessary. It's likely that I will labor and deliver in the birthing tub.
3. Birthing preferences. The plan is for just Keith & I and the doula and midwife to be in the room during labor and delivery. Keith or I will catch the baby, and Keith will cut the cord. Obviously, since we don't plan to be in the hospital, the baby will stay with us continually and will not be given any vitamin k shots, etc at birth. Keith will sleep in the room with me afterward.
That's all I can really think of right now. There's detailed reasons behind all these choices, but if you've researched birth then you probably already know the whys and such.
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That was all I was going to write but I've been thinking about baby stuff all day and kinda need an outlet. First I've been meditating on the bigness of bringing a baby into a sinful world. Not in a "there are too many children already" kind of way, but in a "I can't protect our child from sin" kind of way. I mean we can raise our children in a good Christian home and all that but really, life in this world unalterably ends in death, and that grieves me deeply. In addition to that, I personally have already failed our child in so many ways. Maybe the ways I've sinned are small, but they are still sins, and so I just kinda had to go through these things that were burdening me today and confess them and receive forgiveness. For eating hydrogenated oils... using teflon pans... for failing to take prenatal pills from time to time... not drinking enough water... for using chemicalized laundry detergent... for not eating totally organic food... for using hair dye, wood stain, and spray paint before I knew I was pregnant... for eating white bread here and there. Things that most likely won't affect our baby, but I still have to admit to myself that I am not now and never will be a perfect mother. It is glorious to realize that, though, and to receive the Lord's grace and know that try as hard as I may, I simply can't protect our baby perfectly, and that is okay, because the point of this life is not, after all, this life, but rather the One who gives us eternal life. May these imperfections point me back to Him over and over. I have been feeling so tempted to just ignore these misgivings in my heart, to just pretend like I'm doing everything right, but I know I'm not and that I can't, no matter how hard I try. And OH what a joy comes in realizing that. I can't because I'm not supposed to. I'm not meant to walk by my own strength; I'm meant to stand in the grace of my Lord Jesus Christ, and that means in motherhood as in everything else.
On the subject of protecting our little one, though, I do wish that I could dress our child entirely in organic clothing. Dream on, right? Probably I'll just buy used clothes and wash them in organic detergent. But I am considering springing for some organic clothes at some point... it seems like it might be worth it to buy a few really wonderful organic cotton items that could also be used on subsequent kids. That is also kinda my rationale in considering more expensive baby carriers and such; if we get items that can hold up through multiple children, they will make up for their cost down the road. At least that is my theory.
It could just be that I am infatuated with these beautiful organic cotton bodysuits that I found today and have henceforth developed my whole theory based on the desire for some excuse to buy them. They're the only gender-neutral items that I've seen so far and actually loved. In general I love gender-distinctive clothes... don't be surprised if our little girls wear nothing but dresses, at least as babies... so I think it is a good thing that we are not planning to find out the gender, or else I would buy little boy or girl clothes every time I go in a store. As it is, I guess I'll just get a bunch of white onesies to last the kiddo for a few months and then go pick out distinctive-gender clothes a while after he or she is born. At least that is my plan today. People keep asking what our colors are, and I feel bad saying earth-tones, because really... I love every color!! Why pick just one? Or five? There are so many beautiful baby things out there. Every time I think I've ruled one out, I see an adorable outfit in that color and just love it. Uh... this has got to be the sappiest paragraph ever. I think I'm beginning to get to that happy hormones-leveling-out point of pregnancy because I am just giddy about baby everything right now. Giraffes are my favorite though... ever since we went to Africa three years ago, I have planned to have giraffes be our baby theme. That was before they were popular in baby themes... now we are catching the trend at the tail end... but whatever, I still love them. And elephants. And holy moly I am so sappy! There should be a limit to how much they let a girl write on these things.
2008-05-28 (10 weeks)
True Men live Abundant Life Hello, my name is Keith. I am a man, but I can change if I have to, I guess.
I've got to say It is with gratitude that I look upon this pregnancy. As a husband there is a level of wonder in this that exceeds the deepest theological reflections, by a long shot. A kind of terror at the current state of affairs, much like that which one experiences when they consider who God is. Of course it is because of Him that this terror quickly is overcome or goes hand in hand with joyous wonder, still with a healthy does of Godly fear. Now the incredible role of husband is further enhanced by the role of Father.
Thrill seekers, adrenaline junkies, and men in general often want to seek out the most hardcore experience. Live life to the extreme! And often this is the high mark that many set for men to attain to be the ultimate or true man. This lifestyle that I speak of is the one in which men refuse to be 'nailed down' to one woman, or to be held back by responsibility to family; most of all to avoid dealing with the absolute reality of God. They call marriage the 'ball and chain' God the 'Universal Cop' and build their lives to avoid such. Although many a child has been born without a family, or aborted, as a result of this, the entire idea that a true man can do whatever he wants and have as many women as he desires is a delusion widely ascribed to.
True men deal with the reality of God, they have courage to approach the Almighty. Nothing is more full of risk and fear, more requiring of courage. True men have ONE women and love her in unconditional love, showing the honor of fidelity. Fidelity which is but a shadow in the light of the deep and abiding joy that comes with such a no holds bared commitment. In honesty, that which is most attractive about a women; which is in my wife illumined through physical beauty; grows everyday in the thrilling experience which is marriage under God. An intelligent man, who desires to satisfy his sexuality, is rewarded in an erotic way that reaches even to the spiritual level with life commitment. Basically, if a man wants good sex he will marry for life, and choose fidelity. The true man experiences thrill after thrill in that sweet relationship with one woman, his wife. A level of manhood and abundant life that men unreconciled with God, and men unwilling to be true men living in all fidelity, cannot match in their wildest and most farfetched fantasies. True men, men that are committed to living life to the fullest extreme and to growing into all they are meant to be, have one God, one wife.
Perhaps the most incredibly extreme, sweet reward, that a man can experience in life is to see his cherished one, his bride, blossom with the life of his child. A man and woman leave their father and mother and are joined together, they become one. My beloved Jamie and I have become one. And were books and books to be written about the sweet communion of man and wife, Jamie and I, they would but skim the surface of the great incredible, depth of marriage before God. Indeed, the pride and jealous love for my wife has in every way only increase as the sweet fruit of our union blossoms in her womb. Her beauty, that which has combined the highest possible level of all the traits that I desire in my wife, leaps from glory to glory as our child grows within her.
It also must be admitted that I am jealous of her closeness with this child. Jamie has already logged weeks of time spent with our child. Hers is the largest blessing, the most miraclous miracle that God has ever performed within the human race. The creation of a human, made in the image of God, from the microscopic to the reality of life. All that potential of this child is untold and unpredictable! Perhaps my child will be a man one day, a true man. Or a girl who will grow into a woman, a woman who understands the incredible power that God has given her to grow a child of her own. I am proud, humbled, and full of joy at the incredible reality that Jamie Elizabeth and myself are a part.
What beauty has my beloved wife, Jamie Elizabeth?
What beauty has that canopy of stars?
Both are an endless exploration in wonder and fear.
Only by Him can this poor man hope to come near
To truth of life and legacy
Keith Ryan, Husband of Jamie Elizabeth and father to our child
2008-05-28 (10 weeks)
vitamins & other matters A friend who has seven children once told me that after so many pregnancies, she could puke on demand. At the time, I couldn't imagine such a thing. Now I can. All I have to do in order to activate my gag reflex is stick my tongue out of my mouth. If I do it two or three times, I will vomit. It's quite the talent, let me tell you.
I've switched to a more specialized prenatal and added some calcium pills (baby is growing tiny teeth right now & I have run out of patience with dairy), which is all well and good except that I am supposed to take six each of the prenatal and the calcium. That's twelve, plus aloe vera gel, two folic acid pills, cod liver oil, and fish oil... so 17 vitamins total. Seventeen vitamins!! And they're supposed to be spread throughout the day! Yesterday was the first day I actually managed to take all of them, although I've been attempting it for a few weeks and am feeling guilty about only giving our child half these nutrients. I've only actually thrown up my vitamins a few times, but I always feel like I am going to, so I finally had to just decide to take them even if I do feel like I will puke.
I went to the grocery store yesterday after having not attempted it for a while... too many smells... and I had sort of a revelation while standing in the organic aisle. I don't really like all the healthy stuff I eat, and I don't really buy it because I like it. I buy it because it's good for me. Now that I am pregnant, though, my body is acting like a picky two-year-old by refusing to eat stuff that I had previously persuaded myself that I loved. Tofu, sprouted wheat bread, sprouts, eggs, vegetables, salads... forget it. Even tastier stuff like balsalmic vinegar and hummus have lost their appeal to me. All I want is chips and a candy bar. The problem is that I refuse to give into my childish whims, so once again I arrived home yesterday with $70 worth of groceries and no desire to eat any of it except the strawberries.
Sorry this whole entry is about food and vomiting. It's really just all that's going on with me.
