I had a feeling that I might be pregnant about a week and a half ago when I had this really weird, intense cramp very low in my abdomen. I've never felt anything like that before and I thought, “Could that be it? I wonder..." but I didn't say anything because I've been disappointed too many times in the past from reading too much into the little twinges and creaks of this body.

Over the weekend of April 5, I flew out to Seattle to visit an old friend. We had a great time on Saturday adventuring around the city. I felt really tired all day and couldn't stop sweating. I wrote it off to the changes in climate and time zones. On Sunday morning, though, I woke up feeling so sick. I threw up twice in an hour (which is VERY strange for me... I never ever throw up) and spent the rest of the day just miserable and queasy. I felt so bad that the last day of my short visit to Seattle was such a bummer. I was nervous that I wouldn't feel well enough to fly home on Monday, but Monday morning I felt all right enough to make the journey. I ate a couple of saltines and drank a lot of water and ginger ale on the planes. I finally made it home at midnight.

Tuesday morning I felt horrible and exhausted again, so I called in sick to work and slept until almost 2 in the afternoon. I still felt so nauseous and only nibbled on some crackers and chicken noodle soup. I was pretty sure I had the flu, although the thought that it could be pregnancy did creep in a few times.

Wednesday morning I woke up feeling great. I wasn't hungry at all. I decided I should take a home pregnancy test because I was a couple days late. When I took the test the control line came up quickly, but nothing in the test area. I didn't feel surprised, just a little disappointed even though this has become a monthly routine over the last year or so. I set the test on the counter to brush my hair. I looked down at it and thought I saw a very faint line in the test area. It was almost like a shadow and I was thinking, “Is that a LINE? Or are my eyes just messing with me?" I took it out to sleeping Chris and asked him to have a look and tell me if he thought that was a second line. He was a little grumpy at first but then he said, “What does it mean if that is a second line?" and when I told him it would mean a positive pregnancy test, he sat right up and wide awake. He examined the test carefully and said, “Yes, I think that's a second line there." I started crying! Chris looked like he was in total shock and said that maybe we should give it a few more minutes to see if it comes in any darker. He didn't want me to be heartbroken again.

I had to get ready for work so I put the test on the counter and took a shower. When I got out of the shower that second line had come in nice and dark! I ran to Chris and started crying again. He was so happy and we hugged and hugged. Then he said, “You should take another. Just in case.” He was so concerned that it wasn’t true and that I’d be so upset.

I didn’t think it was necessary. I’d never had two lines on a test before and this was enough for me. But since I have a pretty good stash of home tests, I took another one of a different brand. The control and the test line both popped up almost immediately on this test. I showed it to Chris and we both cried. Then he asked me to please call my doctor and go in to have them do a test. I think he needed to hear it confirmed by a pro. I understand that. It’s just been such a long and bumpy road that we have to be absolutely sure before we can be absolutely joyful.

I rattled around at work for a few hours while Chris went to school. As soon as he came home we went straight to my ob/gyn’s office. The test there came up very quickly positive and was good and solid. The tech said I should tell my husband that it is definitely a positive! She gave me a supply of pre-natal vitamins, even though I’ve been taking a different type for the past 3 years. I like these new ones better.

I excitedly scheduled our first visit with the doctor for Monday, April 21. It’ll be a long visit with tests and a comprehensive health history and an ultrasound. I hope we’re able to see the heartbeat. I know it’s still too tiny to hear the heartbeat, even with amplification. But I think even just to see it will be incredible!

We left the doctor’s office and immediately over to my mom’s house. She cried and cried and jumped up and down, clapping her hands. This new York will be her first grandchild. I still can’t imagine my mom as a grandma!

Then we called my dad. I wanted to try and wait to tell him in person. He’s coming to visit us in North Carolina next week and I thought it’d be so cool to meet him at the airport with t-shirts that say, “Hi Grandpa!” but I was too excited to wait! I had to tell him immediately, so we called him. He was so excited too!

Then Chris called his family and I called a few people and it was just so happy and great.

So I’m feeling pretty good. I haven’t felt too queasy, which made me nervous yesterday. I was scared it meant something was wrong, but I calmed down from that. I have a kind of tight sensation almost constantly down in my lower abdomen. It isn’t painful or anything. Just a feeling of tight and full; almost a thickness or something. It’s hard to describe, but I find it to be a comforting sensation. It reminds me that this little apple seed sized baby is growing and changing incomprehensibly and that I haven’t sneezed it out! hee hee hee!

Yesterday I had the most overwhelming feeling of connectedness. It was an incredibly beautiful spring day and I was sitting at the lake here at camp and I just marveled in the idea of how all the trees are starting to bud and flower, the grass is growing again, the animals here in the woods are scurrying about… everything is so alive and I am a part of that! There was a little baby opossum crawling under my house a mama goose sitting on her nest by the lake. When I saw that goose I felt like I got her. “I get you, mama!”  

For so much of my life I have felt disconnected from and disappointed with my body. It just wouldn’t be as strong as I wanted, or lose weight as quickly as I wanted, or ovulate like it was supposed to. I had to take medicine to make it have the right blood pressure or to react to insulin properly. But now it’s doing exactly what it is supposed to do! I have never felt so proud of my body. She is doing just what she’s supposed to. My ovary just knew how to make the follicle become the corpus luteum and excrete just the right amounts of hormones to nourish this tiny ball of cells. I didn’t have to tell it to do that. No doctor gave me a pill to make it do that. My body just woke up and said, “Oh, I’ve got this! Watch me!” I am pretty impressed!