Pregnancy Journal

Ok, so my last entry should have been titled “Second to last entry before our little dude’s arrival” or “Who knows when he’ll be arriving”.  Last night we were supposed to be admitted into the hospital to get started on Cervadil.  Unfortunately there was no room at the inn, so they sent us home.  They didn't have enough nurses or beds to handle all of the people coming in to have babies, so since I wasn't actually in labor we all thought it would be wise for Dave and I come in today once things slowed down a bit over there. 

We called at 7am this morning and they were still too busy.  So we called back at 10am and they told us "we'll call you when we're ready".  So we waited… on call to have our baby.  I had a really rough time once I got this news.  I think between the anticipation and the expectation of getting to go in today and now not even having any sort of time frame I got really frustrated and I believe Satan used this opportunity to get a foothold in my heart.  I was so stripped down emotionally at this point that it allowed him to plant that seed of worry and doubt. 

Now here’s why I’m so grateful for the Godly man that I married seven years ago.  Dave not only prayed for me, which brought a flood of immediate peace, but he also reminded me that God’s timing is the best.  He has a plan!  Since last Thursday when we had the amnio to test the baby’s lung development and we found out that his lungs weren’t ready for him to be born, we have been praying that when he was born that his lungs would be ready so that we could take him home with us right away.  Could it be possible that God is answering that prayer?  Maybe I’m being the spoiled little Veruca Salt who’s saying, “Gimme my kid now!”  And God’s answering, “I’m sorry, but you can’t have him now and have his lungs be ready.”  

Dave also reminded me of what we’ve been studying in our community group recently.  On Tuesday last week we studied the first part of James and Dave pointed out these verses to me (James 1:2-3): "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."  In this life we will face trials.  That’s a fact.  Right now God is giving us a chance to live out what we’re studying and teaching within our group.  We’re facing this trial and it is testing our faith.  And through this testing God is developing in us perseverance.  I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt and that it’s not frustrating… so frustrating it’s brought me to sobbing multiple times, but through it all there is a part of me deep down that understands that this is something that I have to go through in order to be made into the person that God wants me to be.  “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  (James 1:4)

So that was my first roller coaster ride of the day.  After I had calmed down a bit, taken a shower and had some food, it was about 3 or 4 hours later and we still hadn’t heard from the hospital.  I couldn’t take it anymore so I asked Dave to call and see if they had any idea about a time frame.  It’s starting to become a blur already, but we eventually were told that we could come in at 6pm, but to call at 5pm to make sure.  When we called at 5pm from dinner they said they had an emergency c-section come in and that they’d definitely get us in tonight and that someone would call us between 6 and 6:30.  At 6:40 we still hadn’t heard from anyone so we called.  The nurse who we were supposed to talk to was delivering a baby and they said they’d have her call us when she was free.  At 7:30pm we still hadn’t heard from her, so we called again.  She wasn’t there anymore and more fun news… no room at the inn again tonight.  “Call us tomorrow morning”.  Wheeeee!  And the roller coaster descends once again!  Here’s where I pretty much went into a tailspin.  Now that I couldn’t even count how many times I’d heard this line I was soooo frustrated I just couldn’t help it.  I started bawling pretty much uncontrollably.  That irrational part of my brain took over that couldn’t help thinking about having lost my daughter in just about 4 days from now at this point of my last pregnancy.  I felt like the timer was running out.  I was tired of being given “check-in times” and having them being pushed back over and over again.  I had had a long day of waiting, of trying to be patient, of anticipating being hours away from getting to meet my new little baby and now having that meeting being put off once again. 

My roller coaster car is slowly making its way back up to level ground.  I’m calming down.  God is bringing peace back to me.  I know in my brain that this is a trial and that God is right here by my side and that message is slowly making its way to my heart.  I’m going to bed and I’ll dream that tomorrow will be the day that I get to meet my son.  I’m not allowing myself to give up hope or the excited anticipation much like a little kid waiting for Christmas morning.  I’m not going to let the devil take that away from me.  I’m going to keep anticipating and keep being excited and I’m going to keep getting my hopes up because I don’t want to go through life not experiencing all of those things for fear of being let down.  God is good.  He has a plan and whether I have to wait until tomorrow or next week God will always be my God, he’ll always be my savior, my rock, and my strength when I have none. 

Blessed be Your name  

Blessed be Your name  

On the road marked with suffering

Though there’s pain in the offering   

Blessed be Your name 

Every blessing you pour out   

I’ll turn back to praise   

When the darkness closes in   

Still I will say…   

Blessed be the name of the Lord  

Blessed be Your glorious name!!!   

You give and take away   

My heart will choose to say   

Lord Blessed be Your name!

(lyrics from Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman – Faith’s favorite song)

Hello friends & family! 

I just wanted to post an official Baby Hackbarth update before his big arrival in the next couple of days and ask for your prayers for a couple of things.  We had our final doctor's appointment this afternoon and it looks like we'll be meeting our little guy by Wednesday afternoon at the latest.  Everything in the ultrasound this afternoon looked good.  We had some concern about the amniotic fluid being low last Thursday, but it was back up to a normal level today... answered prayer!  Awesome!  His growth is right on track, he's moving and breathing like he should be, he's head down and (I'm hoping this isn't too much information) my cervix is looking promising… it's only 1cm dilated, but it's thin and the doctor could actually feel baby's head!  =)

So we've decided to go ahead with the plan of being induced on Wednesday.  We're actually going to be heading into the hospital tomorrow night to start on Cervadil in order to get my cervix ready.  The doctor said that there's a possibility that the Cervadil may be enough to put me into labor, but if that doesn't happen they'll start me on Pitocin on Wednesday morning.  So either way we should be having a baby by mid-day on Wednesday!  =) 

Dave and I could really use your prayers for two things.  The first is that the baby's lungs will be ready by the time he arrives.  When we went into the hospital last Thursday because the amniotic fluid level was low we met with our high risk doctor.  In meeting with him, we decided based on our history that if his lungs were ready then we could go ahead and have this baby.  So we had an amniocentesis to check.  Unfortunately the test results came back that his lungs weren't ready.  I was very disappointed to say the least, but I have faith that God has a plan.  So we're hoping (and praying) with 5 or 6 more days of cooking time that his lungs will be ready so that he’ll get to come home with us right away. 

The second thing that we really need prayer for is two-fold.  The ultrasound today showed that the cord is around the baby’s neck.  It’s not too uncommon, but considering they attributed Faith’s passing to a cord accident it was very unnerving to hear.  So we need prayer 1) that the cord would get away from his neck and that it wouldn’t affect him or his heart rate negatively during labor and 2) for peace for Dave and I that we would not spend the next 24 hours worrying about it.

Thank you all so much for your love, support and prayers!  Hopefully the next time you hear from us it will be with joyous news of the arrival of our little boy! 

Blessings!

Lisa & Dave

I've been struggling today with worry.  I'm just obsessing with wanting to hold my little boy and I can't stop worrying that I won't get to meet him while he's alive. 

I had been upstairs ironing some curtains that I finally finished making for our living room.  When I came downstairs I was telling Dave about some people I had been praying for.  Then as I sat down and was waiting to feel the baby kick I said that I haven't been this worried throughout my entire pregnancy as I have been since Thursday (when we went into the hospital for some tests since his amniotic fluid was measuring low).  Dave told me I should stop praying for other people for a while and start praying for myself.  That's when this verse came to mind so I decided I should meditate on it for a while...  

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.   Philippians 4:4-8

Rejoice in the Lord always... not sometimes, not most of the time... always.  Did you ever notice how hard it is to remain negative when you try to think of all of the things you have to be grateful for?  We've got a perfect little baby, as far as we can tell right now.  Of everything they can tell from all of the tests they've been doing he's doing great and thriving.  He's the right size, he's kicking around like crazy right now (apparently he likes chocolate peanut butter ice cream as much as his daddy), and he's so cute!  It was such a blessing getting to see him in 3D.  I think he's just the most adorable thing I've ever seen.  And as Dave pointed out this afternoon whatever happens we know that God is in control. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  I need to realize that worrying isn't going to change anything.  It's one of the most unproductive things a person can do.  And one of the most awesome things about our God is that he's there for us.  He loves to listen to us talk to him.  He invented prayer so that we could have a relationship with him.  I heard something really interesting about prayer the other night from my friend Bri during our community group.  She said that Mother Theresa was once asked what she says when she prays.  She responded that she doesn't talk, she just listens.  When asked what does God say to her she responded that he doesn't say anything, He just listens.  I realized I need to do more of that... listening.  It seems lately that in a lot of cases God is really quick to answer my prayers, certain prayers anyway.  So I know that he's listening.  Then other prayers I still don't have answers on.  It's on these prayers that I think I need to do more listening.  Am I praying for things that line up with God's will?  Maybe God has a bigger plan that I just can't see from this vantage point.  I guess that’s why the saying "can't see the forest for the trees" was invented.  I can see the details, but not the overall picture of his plan. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Just knowing that God is capable of giving me peace, even though I don't understand how or where it comes from really eases my mind.  I've been in so many situations where I should be tense, nervous or anxious and God just overwhelms me with an unexplainable peace.  Like this small example… last week we went to the hospital for some tests (as I mentioned before).  When the doctor suggested we do an amniocentesis to see if his lungs were ready and I agreed this is one of those moments where my whole self should have been caught up in paralyzing fear and worry.  I HATE needles!  And the idea of getting a really long one stuck into my belly… and right next to my little helpless baby… aaahhh!  It’s too much!  So in that moment I just uttered a simple prayer, "God give me strength"... and he did it!  He filled me with his strength and peace.  When the doctor administered the amnio I was so calm and cool... that was not me at all!  At the first mention of an amnio before this point I would instantly go into a panic and get totally grossed out.  God just gave me the strength that I needed in that moment to get through it.  Even afterward as I thought back on the whole thing I got grossed out and at one point didn't even want to talk about it.  It just goes to show me that God is more powerful than any situation life gives us. 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.  This is my goal.  When I start to worry about things going wrong I need to think about what’s true right now, what’s pure, what’s good.  God’s capable of giving me peace that I don’t understand at the moment I ask for it.  He’s got a forest of a plan for my life.  And if I listen very closely, he just might let me in on that plan.