We are FINALLY HOME!!!!!! Brianna Marie was born on May 27, at 1:12pm. She was 7lbs 5oz and 18.5 inches long. She is simply breath taking.
The day of the c-section, we woke up and I felt like crap.. but I thought it was just nerves.. so I went to the bathroom and threw up and was having bad heartburn (had it bad the prior day too .. like SO bad I thought I was going to die) but didn't think too much of it. We got to the hospital and I was hooked up to the monitor that measured Brianna's heartbeat & her movements & contractions.. I had been getting these every week for about 1 month and never showed anything in the contraction area. Well, the nurse asked me if I was feeling any pain and I said no, and she proceeded to tell me that I was actually having contractions! I looked at the sheet and the contractions were happening A LOT and were getting closer together, but then they became random at times. Murphy's Law, right? Go in for a c-section and I start contracting! We did an unltrasound and Brianna was still breech (I knew that). I then was wheeled to the O.R. and Kenny was with me the whole time - the spinal didn't hurt much, and after they were done putting it in they layed me down right away and my bottom half of my body went numb. Brianna was born within 15 mins and as I was laying there as they were finishing me up, we just heard her screaming cries and I was just crying the whole time... I wanted to see her SO BAD, but they only showed her to Kenny and I for 5 seconds and then whisked her away to test her sugars since I was on an insulin drip IV because of the CF diabetes. They brought me to recovery and told me i would see her within 2-3 hours. It was around 1:30pm.. and they kept coming in and telling me she was perfect, but they needed to test her sugars more. It was now 6pm and I was flipping out because I hadn't even touched her or seen her yet. It was CRAZY absurd. I was cursing and crying and just wanted to see my baby!!!!! Kenny kept running back and forth to the NICU to check on her (they had her in the NICU because of my diabetes) and they kept saying she was fine, so he would come back and tell me. They FINALLY let me have her around 7pm.. 6 and a half freakin hours after I had her.. and it was the best moment of my life. I just cried and kissed her and held her so close to me. I dont remember much from after the c-section (I was way drugged up) .. but I will NEVER forget the moment they handed me my little girl.
I was, and still am, in LOTS of pain. I am now home after 4 days in the hospital, and that alone was pretty much hell. I was on IVs for those 4 days, on the maternity floor, and the nurses had NO idea what they were doing with me (one even admitted to me that they NEVER have to do any of this "IV" stuff because they never have women with CF having babies!) .. they were clueless on how to do infusions, one injected air into the line and i felt it gurgling up my neck and almost fainted .. i can go on and on about how bad my hospital stay was, but I really dont even want to think about it anymore.
I'm still in pain, but I'm home and it's SO much better being here with Kenny & my new baby girl. I was told I can't drive and to just take it easy. Take it easy??? Like that's really going to happen with a new baby at home, taking care of her, doing my IV meds and my nebulizers! Kenny and I are so busy that we literally forget to eat.
All I can say, is that I am SO inlove with my new daughter and Kenny. The love I feel for Brianna is unlike anything that I can even express in words - I would do anything for this little baby girl, it's really unbelievable. I just cried in the hospital dropping her off to the nursery at night - I felt like, "who's going to take such good care of her as Kenny & I?" and I felt like I was leaving her with strangers that might not tend to her needs right away. It broke my heart into pieces.
The love I feel for Kenny now has grown to such a more meaningful and deeper love than I could have ever dreamed of. It already was, but now it's on a whole different level. I look at Brianna and I see him in her. I look at him looking at her and taking care of her and I just get tears in my eyes. He is such an amazing man and the best father in the world. He is doing SUCH an amazing job at being a father and I cherish him more than he will ever know. Brianna and I are so lucky.
This was such a difficult pregnancy, as most of you all know. Lots of ups and downs.. but in the end, we have our PERFECT baby here with us, in our arms. If I had to do it all over again, I would... in a heartbeat.
I have to get going - but I am ending this entry with a link to all the photo's of Brianna and the first few days of her being here.
Tonight is "Brianna Eve"... in less than 24 hours, Brianna will be born & in my arms. We'll be on our way to the hospital at 9:15am and then within a couple of hours, Brianna will be born!
I am soooo excited & nervous .. it's FINALLY here!!! Kenny & I will have our cell phones with us, but I know that tomorrow I am not going to be feeling well at all after the c-section .. I am going to be zonked up on morphine and out of it, meeting my daughter for the first time and I can't even imagine the new emotions I will be feeling. I know people will be anxious to visit and see us but please call first... I want to see everyone but it all depends on how we are all doing. We should be home on Saturday so people can also visit when we get home and are settled in.
Wish us luck!
2008-05-14 (37 weeks)
:(
Well .. today at the doctor, I talked to her about how I am getting sick again. I was hoping this wouldn't happen, and that my oral meds would take care of things .. but I can barely breathe and I can't even talk at times without having a coughing attack. The stuff I am coughing up is DISGUSTING - bloody, chunky, just plain NASTYNESS .. I am coughing so hard that it's making me throw up. I am using oxygen now also because I am so short of breath. So, my pneumonia is back. I was hoping that she would say she will do the c-section right away if I am getting sick - and then, I could go back on IV antibiotics. But she said she won't do that. She said that if I was scheduled for a c-section today, for example, that she would cancel it if I was sick like this. Her reasoning is that with a c-section, I am definitely going to be weakened from that in general, and recovering, not moving around, anyone would be at risk for getting an infection/pneumonia in their lungs. So, especially in my circumstances, I would get veryyyy sick if I got a c-section now. She wants me on IV meds and then get myself better, and have my c-section on the 27th. I will be going back on the IV on Friday, infusing 4 times a day, as well as an added oral antibiotic so I feel better for the c-section.... my clearance for the c-section is on the 25th so with 10 days of IV in my system, I should be feeling better by than.
I really wish she would just do the c-section now .. I am NEVER going to be 100% better, as long as I am pregnant. Thats why I keep getting sick, and she doesn't seem to understand this (my CF doctor does, but not my obgyn apparently). Because of my Cystic Fibrosis, being in a weakened state and giving all my energy to Brianna - the only way I will get completely better is if I'm not pregnant anymore. But she won't take Brianna out before the 27th, which is only 5 days before my freakin due date anyways. Unless my water breaks of course............. so the next few days I am keeping my fingers crossed that my water breaks and then she has no choice but to do the c-section.
I seriously CAN'T take this shit anymore..... I am BEYOND exhausted from being almost 38 weeks pregnant, I am in pain, and now I am going back on IV for the third time, which is draining all in itself. If one more person tells me that "God will get me through this", I am going to shove my foot up their ass. FUCK GOD - there is no god. And if there is, he is the biggest piece of shit asshole ever. Brianna is NOT getting baptized, so if anyone else is wondering about that, there's the answer. No if's and's or but's. She can choose whatever she wants to be in life. I have NO faith or belief in God what-so-ever. I never have and never will. And now, going through this pregnancy, I really don't. If you believe in all that stuff, thats YOUR choice.. and that's fine... sorry if this offends anyone... but please don't preach any religious bullshit on me. I do NOT want to hear it... EVER.
I am most likely not going to be blogging on here until Brianna is born, unless anything drastic changes. I am too tired and too emotional & have too many things going on right now... so thanks to everyone who is there for me & Kenny through all of this.
2008-05-12 (37 weeks)
to Kenny
Top 10 reasons why I love you:
1. You're the funniest person I know .. you make me laugh every single day
2. You are my best friend
3. You take care of me every day
4. You give me strength
5. You make me a better person
6. You are the BEST to cuddle with .. I fit into my "spot" perfectly :)
7. You give me nose kisses
8. You never give up, despite all you have been through & still go through
9. You would do anything in the world for me
10. You have given me the greatest gift I could ever dream of - a daughter & our own happy, loving little family .. the 3 of us now :)
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
