how silly is this... ...that i keep writing in here...
i'm kind of sad today... i feel like i've gotten my hopes up again and i guess i'm just trying to prepare myself for another let-down. i always have a little glimmer of hope until AF visits, but i'm sure one day that will disappear soon enough too if nothing happens by then...
yesterday though, whether it was my imagination or not, my body definitely felt like it has never felt before... very strange. and today, i feel back to my normal unpregnant-feeling self again... with a few flutters in my tummy, a headache and some definite moodiness (pms)...and somehow i gained 2lbs (which is fine with me, i need it!). Can't wait for my period again... ;(
i feel like i've read everything i can, tried everything but OPKs and the expensive fertility treatments, and other than waiting and waiting and waiting for what feels like FOREVER... that's all i can do. kind of resembles chinese water torture... It really is the weirdest thing. like i want to see that what my body feels like it's telling me could mean i'm pregnant because i want to have the hope, but then i know it could very well be all wrong.
i'm very happy for all the women who can conceive on their first try :) i really am... i'm not jealous, but happy for them. they are really lucky :)
anyway... from the time i just wrote that last paragraph until now (maybe 5 minutes cuz i had to let the dog out and do other things)... i feel like ripping my hair out. that is what my mood swings are like right now... definitely PMS... i hate PMS... :)
2007-10-10 (0 weeks)
i feel weird i'm sure it's just my cruel imagination playing tricks on me...
my chart on fertility friend calculated that i ov'd Oct 4. my period is expected on the 18 and if i don't get it, then i should be safe to test on the 23 - chances are good (or so the site says). so i read that this morning (8:15ish), and then shortly after, i had to pee. and then twice more before lunch time! and i HAD to pee... badly. and then twice at lunch, and then in the afternoon...but my coworker already joked with me and said "you're pregnant" to me after lunch (cuz i told her i felt like puking when i saw a dead squirrel body have even more guts spewed out its mouth from being run over by the tractor in front of me) so i wanted to hold off from using the washroom again until after she left for her hair appt.
afterwords, my tummy hurt... it even hurt when i walked.... got home, was starving and couldn't wait for DH so i had some celery sticks and now my tummy feels all better.
and my tummy's had flutters in it... almost like twitches, for the better part of the afternoon (and even right now)
AND all this means nothing! haha, so i'm dumb for writing it...
anyway, please keep those fingers crossed, prayers and that baby dust stuff coming - i appreciate it! THANKS :)
...now my tummy's hurting again... weird. where's DH? (see, i'm only 6 DPO so it's not like i'm getting hunger pains this early...can't be...)
2007-10-09 (0 weeks)
fingers crossed...prayers...baby dust...? i'll take it please! i'm hoping tomorrow morning my temp will be high again... and then stay high for at least 15 days (and more...)
:) *staying positive*
please wish me luck
2007-10-08 (0 weeks)
fertility friend website, and thoughts... fertility friend is forcasting my period to be on Oct 20/07. they have from Sept 29 until Oct 8 (not including Oct 2) listed as my fertile days... that's a long time! haha. well, hopefully one of them is and hopefully DH & i hit it on the money... we'll see.
i know better than to get my hopes up. sometimes i feel like writing in here is jinxing myself completely... yesterday was our family Thanksgiving dinner. back in early September, i set a stupid goal of hoping our dinner would hopefully be the day we'd be able to tell everyone there was a bun in the oven (and not just the dinner rolls we picked up!). so i was kind of upset that there was nothing to report. i had a good cry yesterday morning... DH mentioned something about it being PMS, and who knows...maybe it is, but that would be pretty early for it. i almost just want my period just to feel normal again. i can't believe how long my cycle is going! stupid BC pills... hopefully the effect wears off soon so i can start having a normal chart... OR have a baby (that would be nice ;)
now i'm hoping that by Christmas there will be something to report (where's that crazy baby dust stuff everyone speaks of? i could really use it...). i've already hoped for my birthday, then Thanksgiving... now Christmas.... I feel like i'm getting old, and i've always wanted to be a young parent... *sigh*
i'm being really good though and not drinking at all... (hint hint: i'm hoping someone "upstairs" is reading this!) we've been out so many times and i've had so many chances to drink and people look at me funny, but i'm being responsible... just in case. i think the last time i had a drink was august.
one thing i wonder about is my weight... i'm under 100lbs, and only 5'2"... has anyone else had a baby while being slightly underweight? i'm not unhealthy.
