| Name: csi | Date: Jan 1st, 2007 4:36 AM |
KDK,
I am finding my self in this very same state. I too have been supporting my husband and stepson for the last few years along with my own daughter and and am done! I feel like friends or siblings not husband and wife. I no longer want to be married. But how do I come out and say it? How was your day, I want a divorce? I dont think that will go over well. I'm afraid of his frame of mind afterward. Plus he has no where to go if he leaves. So I feel stuck. ↑ |
| Name: kdk | Date: Jan 1st, 2007 6:05 PM |
csi,
I didn't think anyone else felt like this. I feel like such a misfit. The idea someone else out there feels the same makes me feel so much better.
I had been thinking about how to do it for a very long time. I had decided to wait until he finished school but a very silly thing happened. We went to a birthday party with a group of friends we have known for sometime. After the party on the way home, he started freaking out about how I talked to so and so too much or smiled at someone else the wrong way etc etc. I decided that I had had enough. I wrote him a letter on the PC, told him I needed to get all my thoughts out and had him read it as a starting point. Kind of sad I know, but I sat there while he read it, I didn't send an email or anything like that.
Since then, life hasn't been good. Go figure. I about broke down just today, he is smothering me so badly. He wants this marriage, which makes me feel extra bad because many women would love his kind of devotion. I hate how this has turned out but I can't do it anymore. He follows me around the house and begs me to work on it. He IMs me at work for hours, he says this is out of the blue. I feel terrible but I am so done. I have told him that. He doesn't want to move out until AUGUST. I don't think I can make it. Why August, that is the time his schooling is complete. I don't think i can wait that long. I am going absolutely crazy. I am trying to do this as friendly as possible. I don't hate him. I just don't love him as a husband and don't want to do this anymore. Its not a nice feeling for me but I am 100% sure. ↑ |
| Name: kdk | Date: Jan 1st, 2007 6:09 PM |
csi,
Sorry I got off on a tangent. I asked him for a seperation, not an outright divorce. I want the divorce but was hoping he would take the seperation then I could divorce him once I got him out. I will have to refinance the house so that I can afford an apartment for him until he completes school.
I feel like I am the 'man' in this situation and he is the 'woman' . I am tired of taking care of him. I think with the role reversal if you will, and the constent need for me to take care of him killed everything. Since I have asked him to move out, he has gone double time into whining, begging, and guilting me to the best of his abiliity. ↑ |
| Name: csi | Date: Jan 2nd, 2007 1:10 AM |
kdk,
Why does this have to be so hard? I hate confrontations, always have and the fact that we have never fought or really argued makes this so much worse. I hve felt this way for a long while but I know hw will think it is out of the blue and that there is someone else. There really isnt. I just want my life to be mine. I dont want it to be his anymore. Everything I do seems to be for him. We get one life(two if we're lucky :) ) and I need to start living it for me. I have my daughter to think of also. They dont get along and that is hard I feel like I must choose sides. He knows something is up I can tell. I still love him but am not in love with him. People change and not always together. I just need the courage to tell him. It's not fair to him. Not everyone is made to stay with one person forever, I just wish I knew up front. ↑ |
| Name: kdk | Date: Jan 2nd, 2007 8:45 PM |
csi,
I understand completely. I had hoped he would leave me so i didn't have to 'be the bad guy'. Its been about 6 weeks now, there are up days and down days. We are trying our best to keep it friendly for the children. He is terribly upset and is entitled to that. I feel good about my decision. I just want to start moving forward.
Best of luck to you, I will post back and let you know how things progress. ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Jan 5th, 2007 2:17 PM |
To csi & kdk---I've read through your posts and can tell ya I've gone through the same experiences you both are going through. It's hard to get through but when you feel like your dying inside from being in a relationship that does absolutely nothing for your self-esteem is when you have to make a serious decision of your next step. I truly felt that if I continued with my marriage, I was becoming such a witch (lack of a better word) to my own family members. Yet, when I was away from my husband, I could completely relax and enjoy myself around family and friends. In the beginning, it was all mental mind games but towards the end it became physcial. That's when I realized that it wasn't a very good environment for my children. Thinking about divorce is one thing but actually doing it was another. I had so many emotions running through me that somedays it was hard to stay focused on the basics of life.
To kdk--Your not a misfit, your only human with feelings. Plus don't think that it's all your fault that the relationship went sour because it does take two of ya's. What your feeling--I've been there. This time will pass but it's going to take some time to heal all wounds. If your seriously thinking about taking the step to leave, you need to get things in order before you do. I'm saying things like your personal possessions that where yours before you married him out of the house. Slowly move the things that are most dear to you out. You need to get some finances in order as well. You want to have a plan on what your going to do before you leave. Plan on what your going to do about the household items, pictures, photo albums, knick knacks, etc... Granted you can always replace those things but will it be easy for you too? You have to prepare yourself for the worst things to happen. You husband my be nice to you know but if you do file for a divorce, he could turn into a complete pain in the butt. Only because you hurt him for leaving and he will want to punish you for it. He will use anything possible to get at you. Now, if you are the bread winner, he might get angry because your taking away he financial support, his material things he loves so much. All I'm saying is you need to get things in major order before you take that step. It will save you a lot of headaches in the long run because divorces can become ugly. Trust me, I know!!
csi---I, too, gave my husband a heads up that I wanted out of our relationship. He, too, followed me around like a puppy dog begging for me to change my mind and tried to be as nice as possible. However, that all changed about a month later. His true colors came back out--a wolf in sheeps clothing. He wasn't going to consider changing, he only thought of himself. Because, we had three children, he never expect me to walk out. It wasn't until after the divorce that I found out abou his lying and manipulating personality. There were red flags flying in my face but when I was married to him, I didn't actually pay attention to them. He drained every ounce of energy I had inside of me to keep going day to day. For me, leaving him was the best thing I have ever done. I no longer have to live in fear under his thumb. You have reached a point in your relationship that has lost it's luster. Several things have happened for you to feel this way. Take a step back and examine your relationship to see where things went wrong. If you find those things and know there is absolutely no way to repair them, then you know in your heart, this isn't right. I didn't like the person I was when I was married. My kids didn't like that person either. I had to fix me and if it ment to leave him......well, I did. I tried to keep things on civil terms with him but he wouldn't have it. He would always attempt to start or accuse me of doing something wrong. I became and always have been the blame for all his problems. He professes he never did any wrong and still does to this day. He went to every single person I've known including my own family members to get them to take his side. I'll tell ya, the whole lot took his side. No one was willing to listen to me. I found out, who were my friends.....no one. My own family has turned their backs on me all because my ex has painted a terrible picture of me. Yet, in my heart, I knew I did nothing wrong and if those people couldn't see the real me, then they didn't need to be a part of my life.
I'm not saying that these kinds of things are going to happen to either of you but they are things to be thinking about. You can be strong enough to overcome these things. I don't know if anything I have said has helped but I certainly have been through it and know just how you feel. I wish you both the best and hope things will get better for you. Take care, keep me posted or just to vent. ↑ |
| Name: kdk | Date: Jan 5th, 2007 2:55 PM |
tweetybird4,
Thank you so much. I am feeling good about my decision, not that it makes it easy. Where you said, 'He drained every ounce of energy I had inside of me to keep going day to day.' That is exactly how I have been feeling.
I started trying to get myself back to 'fix me' about a year ago and he doesn't like that so he has to go. It really comes down to that because I am a better mother and person when he isn't around.
Thank you again, it was nice to read your post.
csi, I hope things are well with you. ↑ |
| Name: boangel | Date: Jan 16th, 2007 3:30 AM |
| I know exactly how you feel. Six years married and all we do is disagree. I just want to come home from work and spend time with my kids and not have to argue. I don't want to be married either. ↑ |
| Name: maryjane4175 | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 6:54 PM |
| Let me guess; you still love him, but you are not in love with him. If so, I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way with my ex. Please don't misunderstand me just because I divorced my ex does not mean that you have to do the same, but it is important that you understand that if you really want your marriage to work your gonna need constancy, and work every day of your lives. I and my ex gave up on my marriage and my kids suffered from my and their dad's laziness. ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 11:05 PM |
| stephaniie i say what really makes you happy.same thing has happen to me but of course im the guy . except im the affectionate one.nothing ever came back my way . have to tell you that she left an we have two great kids . im on my oun with them an i guess it really not that bad. people on this thing let me know that its keep the kids happy then your self . your young enough there is love out there somewhere the kind you want an need.guess im in that same boat keep you head up an make you happy for once . should practice what i preach huh. ↑ |
| Name: Barb | Date: Jun 29th, 2007 4:23 AM |
| To say "I don't know what I want" in my opinion is a cop out for saying, I'm done and I don't want to hurt your feelings and tell you this, or, I'm not sure I can make it on my own and I'm scared... Been there, done it a couple of times. ↑ |
| Name: Heather | Date: Jul 6th, 2007 11:09 PM |
| How are you doing? Mine is a long long story. Currently we have been living in seperate houses for the last year. We have 2 kids (11 & 6 years old). He was the only man I have ever wanted to marry. I didn't think I ever would marry. Now after 7 years I don't know that I want to be. I also feel that if I don't stay married to him would I ever be to anyone. We are wonderful friends and we are good with the boys. But I don't want to be intimate with him anymore. I feel guilty feeling these things. I don't know who to talk to and I need to talk. Am I a horrible person for giving up or not wanting to be married anymore? ↑ |
| Name: Gen | Date: Aug 7th, 2007 1:08 PM |
| I can totally relate to where you are coming from! I have been married for only 2 years, and I love my husband, but we have NOTHING in common either. I really think that he loves our son more than he does me - he is a great dad (our son is 15 months), but when it comes to me we dont communicate, we have nothing in common, I have to literally beg him to take me to play golf with him just so we can spend time together, and even then I dont always get asked to go. I recently lost my job and ever since (even though it has only been 2 weeks and I have been actively looking for a job ever since) he just seems to think that I am beneth him now. He was like that after I had my son, I was a stay at home mom for 10 months and I just could not take it anymore because he (my husband) did not see what I did all day as any contribution at all....I could scream....I have told him (back in January) about this and he said that he wanted to work things out and for a month or two things were ok, but now they are right back to where they were before. Any Advice? ↑ |
| Name: metoo | Date: Sep 3rd, 2007 3:53 AM |
| oh my goodness i can not believe that their is someone else that is having the same thoughts that i am . i have been married for 13 years today 8/2/07 and i cant stand to be married any more but i am scared of the thought to be unmarried to him. i guess that i have been with someone for do long that it just grows on you. i have the same feelings but it is me that does not sleep in the bed. i am trying to determine if i really want to stay or if i am ready to get my apartment. i have been looking at places but i am scared of he thought of being on my own with the kids. i love my kids with all my heart and i would never do anything to hurt my kids but what about my happiness? ↑ |
| Name: HNR949 | Date: Sep 4th, 2007 4:23 AM |
Stephanie I think maybe you should lay down the law and let him know how you truly feel. From my past experience in this specific situation, communication is a pretty big factor.
Just my 2 cents..I think you should let him know how you really feel. If you feel the spark isnt really there, but you still do care for him, maybe some marriage counseling might help.
If the spark is not there and you completely lose your feelings for him, then you have to decide for yourself whether it's worth even fighting for. Watch out for yourself and do what feels best for you in the longrun.. ↑ |
| Name: mary | Date: Oct 22nd, 2007 9:33 PM |
a marriage is a relationship that brings in a lot of baggage, once you have children, you need to start opening the bags and be concious of each other
Try reading "Finding the love you need" Harville Hendricks
Good luck ↑ |
| Name: mary | Date: Oct 22nd, 2007 9:39 PM |
| I had answered without reading all the other replies. I have never heard so many valueless comments. I don't know what love is, but caring for someone is very important. We are all about relationships and making them work is our job, its challenging and an opportunity to grow. It takes a lot to overcome the fear of deep communication, but it is rewarding. Someone has to start the connection, not talk to a bunch of online chatters. ↑ |
| Name: LN | Date: Oct 30th, 2007 2:00 AM |
I am having the same situation as KDK. I have told him it's over and wanted it to be amicable as we have a 8 year old son together. He has told me that he won't leave our house and is also using every guilt ridden comment he can like suicide threats, saying to me "don't you love your son enough to try"
I tried to move out but he even guilted our 8 year old who didn't want to come with me because his dad would be sad. and then i got a barrage of msg's telling me that my son was crying because he misses me.
I have attempted to break up several times before and always the guilt trip works and i end up saying, and like others that have written here, a few months later it goes back to the same old. we have been together for 11 years and i feel emotionally drained.
I am so glad to know that i am not alone in feeling like this. it's the hardest thing to break it off with someone you do care about, even though at the time they may think and say that you must hate them to treat them like this.
I have just thought i need to make sure i am happy because you only get one life, and you don't want to look back when you are old and say gee why didn't i follow my heart.
Stephanie, deep down you will know what you want to do, don't let other peoples opinions get in the way of your happiness, you only live once. ↑ |
| Name: KA | Date: Nov 1st, 2007 3:34 PM |
| I completely understand how you feel. I have been married for 16 years with two children. He is a great father and husband but I am feeling completely unhappy and have been for years. I have expressed my feelings but they are never validated or heard and now I have decided that if you want to work on this marriage - then you need to hear me and make an effort or I am done - the sad thing is I am more close to done and am not sure if I can put a genuine effort in making it work. ↑ |
| Name: vsanders | Date: Nov 1st, 2007 5:29 PM |
| I think you should try to work things out . maybe marriage counseling or something. If things don't work then when you can walk away and say you tried evrything. You wont have the what if? to think about ↑ |
| Name: Tonya | Date: Nov 13th, 2007 1:20 PM |
| my husband is mentally abusive and i dont want to be married anymore ↑ |
| Name: Tonya | Date: Nov 13th, 2007 1:21 PM |
| I dont love my husband anymore ....i want out ↑ |
| Name: Miiss Me | Date: Nov 22nd, 2007 10:59 PM |
| My husband who I dont want to be married to dosen't want a divorce. We have been separated for 8 years and he has several girlfriends and drinks a lot now. What should I do ↑ |
| Name: punkie601 | Date: Nov 24th, 2007 12:39 AM |
| my advice is counseling or divorce. it sounds like you would make excellent frends, just bad lovers. My soon to be X-husband and I would make perfect friends, he was my best friend for many years. I was in love with the way he loved me, but, like you, we had nothing in common. He is a homebody and I want to go out and enjoy life. He doesn't talk to me aside from things pertaining to our 2 year old, he is still hurt over the seperation. I feel bad, I miss the security of the marriage, and the finances were MUCH easier together.... alone it is hard and scary, but I couldn't live watching my grandparents have more fun and enjoying life more than me. ↑ |
| Name: celestine | Date: Dec 11th, 2007 5:42 AM |
| Julien Henley, Manager at Bernard K. Passman Galleries on 5195 Dronningens Gade Ste. #2 on St. Thomas will do that to you. ↑ |
| Name: Mary | Date: Dec 30th, 2007 12:44 AM |
I think you both should see a therapist if you still love each other,suggest this to him and get a good therapist.If he is a against this ,then move on with your life,if there are no children that makes it alot easier.Life is to short,and that is noway to live.
Mary ↑ |
| Name: Bob | Date: Jan 6th, 2008 10:59 PM |
OH MY GOD
I don't BELIEVE what I'm reading here....
OK, consider for a moment the simple platitude... "if the grass is greener on the other side, it's time to water your lawn"
Marriage is (or at least was, at one time) a sacred union. It's for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death do you part, right?
Nowhere in any vows that I've heard is it "...until something better comes along, or until I change my mind..."
While the feelings many of you have described are totally normal, the conclusion some have drawn from them is totally immature, irrresponsible and self-serving.
It's a sad comment on the state of marriage in this country that you can get out of a supposed life-long union better than you can a mortgage, business contract or car loan.
For anyone interested in another way at looking at this, go to marriagebuilders.com and look in the discussion forums, specifically in the infidelity section. You'll find many betrayed spouses who's waywards have said EXACTLY the kinds of things being spouted here.
OK, your spouse is a great husband, father, isn't abusive, loves you, etc., yet you are already feeding on the attention of someone else???
The problem is in YOU, not your spouse. I recommend you begin counseling and look into your OWN issues first. Having an affair - and that's what you're REALLY talking about - will almost surely lead to incredible pain and hurt for your husband, children and both families.
And what, again, is the reason? Oh yeah, you don't "WANT" to be married anymore...
PLEASE go the mentioned site and get some perspective on how to BUILD a marriage, not destroy it... ↑ |
| Name: Brit | Date: Jan 7th, 2008 3:27 AM |
| i don't think you can make yourself love someone, you either love them or you don't. I think when it comes down to it you need to make youeself happy, and if being married to this man isn't doing it anymore you should get out. it may hurt both of you for a while, but i really think in the end you will both be happier. ↑ |
| Name: Johnny | Date: Jan 9th, 2008 4:36 PM |
| Brit, don't U believe in the union of marriage? You player! ↑ |
| Name: CARRIE | Date: Jan 15th, 2008 6:42 PM |
| Name: Ms. F | Date: Jan 20th, 2008 12:12 AM |
| Stephanie, I think every marriage goes through a rut. You all need to find a way to spend more quality time together. Do something that both of you enjoy. Let him know how it makes you feel that he sleeps on the couch. You need to commmunicate more. He may think that you are happy and everything is fine if you do not say anything. ↑ |
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