| Name: amy | Date: Apr 16th, 2008 8:45 PM |
| Can someone please tell me how this site works.???? Vroom, I did not mean to send the "poor taste" message". I apologize. I totally agree with what you had to contribute. Again, my alpologizes. ↑ |
| Name: snipsofscraps | Date: Apr 17th, 2008 8:05 PM |
| I find myself in this type of situation. I have 3 beautiful children by my first marriage. I have been with a great guy for the last 6 years and I want to have a child with him. He doesn't want to have a child with me and some of the comments he has made to me about "go find another guy if you want a baby" and things like that hurt. I love him with all my heart and I want a child with him not some guy I pick up on the street. I want a child created in love not one made in the back of a car with a stranger. Yet now I sit here crying yet again because I made the mistake of bringing up the subject. When we first met I told him I wanted another child. My dream was to have 4 children from the time I was a little girl. Now I have 3 and I want one more. But I don't just want a baby I want his baby. I can't understand why guys don't want families. I just don't get men at all and I sometimes wish they were never created. Life would be much easier if we could just change sex spontaniously like some frogs and get ourselves pregnant without a guy. Seriously though I am at a loss and I feel terrible and every day I resent him more and more because I not only want my dream but I want do give him a child which no other woman has done. ↑ |
| Name: AMACK | Date: Apr 21st, 2008 2:24 PM |
| No reply to anyone. But I am looking for support...advice..someone to listen. The situation is I have a 2 and half year old daughter who my husband (of 6 years) who we love dearly. I have wanted to start trying for another child for about a year now. Throughout this time my husband has presented several obstacles you might say. He has had three back surgeries the most recent in Nov. 07 After his surgery I brought it up again..at this time "We can't afford another child" so I have been saving paying off every bill I can and will be out of debt by August. So I mention this to him over the weekend and he tells me that he thinks he may have to have a 4th surgery and the time is not right and i am being selfish and only want what i want and it doesn't matter what he wants. I am almost ready to give up my dream of having another child. I want one so badly. But I also don't want him to resent me. What do I do? If I continue like this then I will resent him and have told him that I would. I am in a ver y frustrtaing situation. So if anyone out there has any comments...I have talked to a couple of friends about this but it seems no one truly understands what I feel in my heart. Thank you all for listening. ↑ |
| Name: Vroom | Date: Apr 25th, 2008 4:22 AM |
| I'm so sorry, AMACK. That would be tough. I mean, I have two children, but if I only had one and was getting resistance from my husband, I'd totally not back down! Okay, easier said than done! You're not selfish for wanting another child. You have a desire that doesn't just go away. You'd like your first child to have a sibling too. I think the time is right for you to have another one. I mean, if he's going to have another surgery, you better get started before the surgery happens. I'd put him on the spot. Ask him when the time will be RIGHT? It sounds like he doesn't want anymore children. (sorry to be so blunt) Find out his reasons if this is the case. Try to be calm, and try to see his side. You may get to a point when you have to look at what is more important to you - your marriage or your desire for more children. I had to decide, and I chose my marriage. It isn't easy some days. I do have anger over it, but it doesn't interrupt my life. I know one day I may have to get counseling b/c of resentment, but I'll/we'll (husband and I) cross that road when we get there. I hope this helped. It's so difficult. You, several other women, and I all have that desire that runs deep, and it is not something that goes away b/c we cave in to our husbands and their desire for no more children. I wish you luck. Let us know how it goes! ↑ |
| Name: Vroom | Date: Apr 25th, 2008 4:26 AM |
| Amy, I can't help you when it comes to this site! I have just visited as a guest each time instead of registering. I'm sorry I do not have any tips. :) ↑ |
| Name: kimmie | Date: May 12th, 2008 8:17 PM |
Okay you people who are accusing those people of being horrible for saying that they woul dleave their husbands for not agreeing.... back off, don't assume that these people are thinking that another child will make thier marriage better. And stop judging these women who want more children... even if they have a 10 of them, it is in no way selfish.
I have been married almost 16 years, we have a 15 year old (almost 16) and a 13 year old (almost 14)... by the time I had my last child I was 22, we were living off nothing basically, I was young and I AGREED to a tubal because I was fertile-myrtle and did it in a panic and because I was young naive and trying to apease my husband. For YEARS I have regretted the decision and have wanted more, granted I did go through a me me me me phase where it was no way no how am I having more children... over the last year I have really been longing for 2 more... I have considered my future goals, plans, travel desires, change in family dymanics, and even considered the heart wrenching things my son has put me though and I STILL want more. I have been working on my husband for months and months.... since I had a pregnancy scare back in July where I didn't get my period for 2 weeks.... and he was excited then. But now he won;t agree to it and uses all kinds of excuses "We are too old" (I am 35) "We want to retire early" (he may but I don't and unless he has $$ stashed that I don't know about it is not happening early). Then he said if our friends (who at one time told us that they were not having children) had children we could... we just found out that they are expecting.... he still won't agree. He comes from family of 6 I come from a family of 3, his mom had 3 had her tubes tied - had them reversed had the last 3 he thinks it is great that she did that, yet can't agree on increasing our family. His oldest sibling has 4 of her own the next brother has 3 and I know that the remaining 3 are going to have several each.
So here becomes the issue as I see it, for one he is not willing to discuss it and that makes me angry, or to see how much I want them, yet I am supposed to only see his side? the next thing that makes me angry is the excuses and the deals and then deciding it is his right to get my hopes up and then change his mind.... and finally the last thing that really angers me is HE is the one being selfish, not me.... I felt I was brain-washed into having a tubal and his thinking is that money is everything and his 'freedom' as our children are going to soon be leaving home. Money can't buy happiness or the joy of a big family around the dinner table on Sundays and holidays.... family is what matters in life. So would I leave my huband? maybe maybe not - but if he can't be open and honest about why he is flat out saying no and not willing to listen to my desires and the fact that it feels as though we want different things from life, yes then maybe.
I am a Christian and fully believe that perhaps God wanted me to have more children but I/we stopped him from doing His plan.
The other thing that irriates me is people that say "why do you wnt more?" and they follow it with things like "yourt kids are leaving home" "why at your age" and all these ridiculous questions. Come on people, I am 35 and have 2 teenagers... big deal I am not dead and I am still young.... and my husband has fallen into their stupid question trap.
Having a passionate desire to have children is not at all selfish. .. we could be people who have abortions because we don't think they are yet a life... a babys heart starts beating by the end of the first month of pregnancy.... tell me now which is more selfish???
Marriage needs to be give and take, these men that say no without consideration for thier spouses yearning to nurture are the selfish ones... especially when it it for the love of money and material reasons. ↑ |
| Name: OK The Male Side | Date: May 18th, 2008 12:46 AM |
I am not going to be like the othe males. I have 4 things to comment on.
1) either side is selfish depending on your point of view. The only reason that I have heard is that "I don't want more" and "I want more" Could someone please help both side on how to talk about it and work it out. neither is selfish they have their own points of view. Maybe to fix this on the marriage certificate they should put the maximum number of children they argee on, forcing them to discuss it prior to getting married. This should include existing children.
2) What is the real reason for having more children or not? I can see I want a boy or I want a girl, ok, but when will that stop if you are not successful? I am on the not side so her are some of my reasons.
- I feel the two allows for a equal split of responsibility when we had one. my wife said "how come you get to do stuff without the kid?" Now we share that one each. As a male I can only handle 2 at a time and my wife like her alone time.
- My wife and I like to travel with and without the kids, Traveling without the kids is difficult as it is hard to find someone to look after them. Travelling with the kids is fine with 4, but add another and someone is out a bed, out a chair at the table, on a ride by themselves ...
- As for sports/activities with 2 one parent goes one way the other goes the other, with a third again someone is by themself (is that fair the that child?)
- Playing with each other someone will be left out possibly (with more than 2) where as with 2 if one doesn't want to play with the other they also have nobody to play with.
3) I my case a healthy family already exists, woulds you feel the same need to have another if you already had 2 children with birth defects? would you want to possibly have another child suffer from the pain of growing up in a society that stares at them because they are not the same as everyone else? them why risk having 1 child with problems?
4) Complications with the pregnancy not only would it be devastating to lose a child, but what about a wife, leaving your children/family without a mom should that happen? why take that chance when you have a happy loving family
You need to sit down and write down your reasons for wanting another child and discuss this with you significant other.
Thank you. ↑ |
| Name: Justonemore | Date: May 25th, 2008 11:10 PM |
| His=2 Mine=1 Ours=0 I Want the Ours category to go up to one, but he is not willing. We have been married for four years and he puts all of his effort into his two. My son sees his dad but his kids are with us full time because their mother died (due to very poor choices.) I've done alot for his kids-coached sports, got them into many activities and I don't feel appreciated. My husband told me before we married that he would have another child if it was "with the right person." No matter how much I beg, he won't budge. I even went back to school to get my masters so I could "pay" for the extra costs of another child and still he won't budge. Also I am 36, so my clock is ticking as well. I feel totally frustrated. ↑ |
| Name: singlechristina | Date: May 26th, 2008 3:41 AM |
| thanks everyone here ! You'v changed my life a lot. I think I should share some good things with you all . I just found a very interesting dating site called www.singleparentloving.com ***which you can do a lot of thing there. Such as instant chat , blog, and searching the one you like in you area etc. It's really interesting. I think you would like it ! ↑ |
| Name: Ang | Date: Jun 8th, 2008 6:05 AM |
| I don't think you are selfish at all. I feel the same way. My husband dosn't want another child either. He says it' too much pressure ,and that he needs his sleep. HELLO!!!! It's not like he ever get's up with our now 9 month old daughter now, if she wakes up. I'm upset that he feels that he gets to make this decison himself. I have a daughter now, and long for a son, but it looks like that decision has been made for me.Not fair! ↑ |
| Name: Charlotte | Date: Jun 19th, 2008 4:13 AM |
| I think children are the most wonderful thing in the world and if you want another child, nothing in the world should stop you. Definitely not men. My husband has stopped sleeping with me because he's worried we'll get pregnant again (we have two kids). Well, I've had it. I don't want any more children right now either but it's this kind of single-minded decision making that is going to destroy so much love that used to be between us. I don't see how a relationship can continue on those kind of terms - the terms I face or those you're facing. It's just wrong. Relationships - and marriage specifically - are supposed to be for better or worse, that includes kids. ↑ |
| Name: lisasing | Date: Jun 19th, 2008 9:51 AM |
| Single moms and dads, if you are tired of being single parent and no where to meet the right one . Try our site today! http://www.singleparentloving.com Blogs, Forums, Live chats, and lots of hot photo galleries! Free join! Meet your soulmatch in your area ! ↑ |
| Name: sheeky | Date: Jun 30th, 2008 5:13 PM |
| When you figure this out please let me know. It's strange but I feel exactly like you do!!! I have two healthy and wonderful sons but I would love to have a daughter. (My mom's also like a best friend) My husband is done having kids and wants a vasectomy, but he hasn't done it yet. I can't get over having more children either. What can we do? How do you get over having more children. I wish I could feel that way. ↑ |
| Name: Justine | Date: Jul 14th, 2008 2:54 AM |
| I am in the same boat as alot of you. I have been married for 6 years and have a 5 year old daughter, shes wonderful. Alittle over a year ago me and my husband we having some serious problems in our marriage but over the last year weve able to over come them. I have been asking for another child for the last 3 years and everyone one of my close friends are getting pregant and he always says "money" and "our relationship needs improvement," well witch married couple doesnt ! I am starting to reseant him more and more everyday. The more i try to put it in the back of my mind, the worse it gets, and everytime somelse gets pregant is a knock down drag out at our house. I tell him that its not fair that he gets to make such a big decision in OUR lives. I really dont know wha the future holds.... Im too the point, that something doesnt give in the next 30 days that i might walk out b/c i deserve to be happy TOO. Lifes too short! ↑ |
| Name: justine | Date: Jul 15th, 2008 12:57 AM |
| im in your boat and i feel ur pain i have been asking for another child also for the last 5 years. I have a daughter and i really want another child and i dont care what i get. He refused to have another baby unless i was willing to do several things to make HIM happy. I have spent the last 7 years doing that, and i really felt i deserved this child. As you do also, ur are not selfish you just need to be strong and dont quit if you want it that bad. I have faught the battle for 5 years and refuse to fight another year in hopes that he MIGHT want another baby. I am moving in with my family and am going to start making myself happy. Life's short and i have goals and dreams i am going to accomplish before i walk off this earth. Do not be afraid to do the same. ↑ |
| Name: Ellie | Date: Aug 11th, 2008 4:02 PM |
| I am engaged, and years before the engagement, my husband-to-be and I discussed the issue of children. We both agreed we wanted two children. Now, I want a boy and a girl, and he wants two boys. We discussed what would happen, for instance, if we ended up with two girls. Would we try for a boy? NO! That we want two children is the major point. Kids aren't just gender issues, they are costly, time-consuming, and require constant attention. I am prepared to attempt with a son the relationship that I would want with a daughter. You cannot guarantee that if you tried for a daughter that the relationship would be anything like what you had with your mother. You have to take into account that your husband will feel some resentment toward that daughter, and whether or not he shows it, she will pick up on it and that may deteriorate her relationship with you. A vasectomy is something he should have discussed with you, and indeed he brought it up before he went. He merely made the appointment. I feel like a lot of women think that kids are blessings, through-and-through, and neglect to think of them as financial and emotional burdens in any respect. That we love our children more than life itself does not mean that we can afford to give a dozen of them the lives we dreamed they'd have. Two is more than enough for most people to afford and give their attention to for twenty-odd years. ↑ |
| Name: Misha | Date: Aug 15th, 2008 7:14 AM |
| My husband had a vascetomy about 2 years ago. I wanted him to get one after we had a miscarriage. We have 2 wonderful boys that are 10 and 12. I stil desire another child. Whether it is a girl or boy, I don't care. I just love being a mom. I am 39 years old and feel my clock is ticking, any ideas? ↑ |
| Name: Theresa | Date: Aug 20th, 2008 8:36 PM |
I just read through all the posts on here yesterday. I am in a similar situation. I am desperately yearning to have another baby with my husband. We have a 3 yr old girl together, and he has a 13 yr old from a previous relationship. I have tried everything to convince him, but he won't budge. I even told him I would do EVERYTHING around the house and with taking care of the kids and he would barely have to lift a finger, and I also worked out our finances to show him we could more than afford it and even have large sums of $ left over that we could put in a pot for him to do with what he wished. None of this did any good. He said I could never alleviate the mental responsibiilty that he would have.
I wonder if any of the people who've previously posted ever visit this site, and how things worked out for them. If anyone knows of how to change their husbands' minds on this, please let us know. I really would do just about anything in order to have another baby, and a sibling for my daughter to grow up with. I just turned 40 and am feeling really desperate. Like some people have said on here, I feel like I'm slowly gonig insane. I don't want to have this regret for the rest of my life. If someone loves you, how can they let you suffer like this for the rest of your life? ↑ |
| Name: Jake | Date: Aug 24th, 2008 4:36 PM |
I found this site searching for a site to shut my gf up about kids. Some of you are pathetic. Breeding like cattle, bringing more children into a world of war, starvation, global warming, disease and misery. How many is enough with you people? 15 kids? 20? I think some of you would keep cranking out kids until your uterus falls out and your husbands drop dead of a heart attack the age of 50.
A lot of you don't know what 'till death do us part' means. You weren't looking for a husband, you were looking for a sperm donor. Save your so called 'husbands' the misery..... ↑ |
| Name: Karen2 | Date: Sep 3rd, 2008 7:54 PM |
| I relate - This feeling of wanting a child (be it first, second, whatever) comes from the way women are WIRED. We look for a strong, supportive mate and we reproduce; it's human nature for women. Just like men wanting to have sex with as many women as possible "spread their seed" is in their nature. (Thank god most can control the urge!) It's really innately WHY we're here. So, that being said - I want another child too (no reason other than I DO!!! I'm a great mom, etc) and soon will be too old. Mentioning it to my partner causes huge fights and threats of separation. Probably like fights that might be caused if he mentioned spreading his seed. ???? Good luck ladies, enjoy your children. ↑ |
| Name: Angie | Date: Sep 14th, 2008 11:39 AM |
I am now 59 years old, but had the same problem as you and your husband . I gave in to my husband's wishes, and to this day I regret it. As loving as your sons are, later in life they will never have that connection to you like a daughter would. Both my sons married, and their familes are focused on their wives families. We are left out, becasue the wives don't really think of us,... and the sons do what wives say. ugh. Now this may not always be the case, but I know this from own experience and from many of my own friends.
Your husband should respect your wishes. They are just as important as his. Stick to your guns dear, and welcome a daughter in your life. I truly wish I had done so. ↑ |
| Name: GISELLE | Date: Sep 25th, 2008 8:17 PM |
| ME MY HUSBABD DOENST WANT NO MORE KIDS AND WE ONLY HAVE 1 DAUGHTER AND IM TRYING TO GO FOR ANOTHER BABY BUT HE DOESNT ↑ |
| Name: sk | Date: Oct 6th, 2008 7:00 AM |
| i am glad i found this site, cause i have felt like i am the only one out there. My husband and i discussed the issue of children prior to marriage and he understood that i wanted several children. being from a small family we agreed on 3. now we have a beautiful son and when i bring up the topic of children it is such a bother to him cause he now only wants one child. what makes me so mad and crying myself to sleep is that he knew how important children were to me before we got married. ↑ |
| Name: confused | Date: Oct 7th, 2008 3:55 PM |
My wife and I have 3 beautiful boys, as ell as another boy from a previous relationship, and I am very grateful for all of them. After the third, we both decided that I should get a vasectomy. Now, our youngest is 2 and my wife is having second thoughts and wants me to reverse it. I am against this for the following reasons:
1) My wife has obsessive compulsive disorder and this I feel plays a part in her feelings about the situation. Here sister has just become pregnant and other women in our neighborhood are pregnant.
2) After becoming pregnant with each of our three sons, she became obsessed with the fear that something was going to be wrong with each of them while she was pregnant. She would become severely depressed.
3) We are in a mountain of debt, that we need to address. Having a reverse vasectomy would cost anywhere from 6000 to 15000 to perform without the guarantee of success. This would just add to the stress of myself having to worry about how to support our family.
4) Emotionally, I feel like I cannot be there for another child. There are limits for everyone on how much someone can handle. It takes a lot of work to be there emotionally for each child and I look at it as not having enough time to be there for each one of them.
She has threatened to leave me over this and I am confused as to how to handle the situation. I love her very much, but feel as I am being given an ultimatum. This is a no win for either of us because there is no compromise. I know our marriage is the most important, but also can't help thinking of how best to take care of my family especially during these hard economic times.
Anyway, if anyone has any ideas or is in a similar situation, I would love to hear about it. ↑ |
| Name: MOMOF THREE | Date: Oct 18th, 2008 3:28 AM |
Dear confused,
I have posted on ths site before, I wanted more children and my husband said no, he said HE coluld not handle another pregnancy. We have had a micro preemie, a stillbirth and a "normal" pregnancy with the scare of Downs Syndrome.
As for your wife, it is normal to want to be pregnant when the people around her are especially when she wants another child. It seems that the two of you as husband and wife made your decision to have a vasectomy. If you have financial burdens, I can't understand why she would want to put the reversal fees on top of everything else including a new baby. The fees of the reversal would be a good start to the adoption fund. Just try to ride it out.
On a very very sad note, my husband and I are seperated and are more than likely divorcing after 20 years. It is 100% about not having another child. I love him with all my heart but we cannot be together, half the time I see him I cry and the other half I wonder why I am not good enough to carry his children. It is so hard on the children, I know I sound selfish but until you walk in my shoes you cannot say a word. I wondered if they made caskets small enough for our first baby because I did not know if he would live thank God that I did not need to fnd out, 3 years later I had to find out while I still pregnant. I had to paln a farewell while I know I would never get to say hello. So, please no one judge me. If we would have decided that we were done and one of us would have gotten "fixed" then that would be it. We did not want to be done, but three years after our 3rd baby was born and I deeply wanted another he decides for us that HE can't handle the emotional roller coaster that every pregnancy is. No one has or ever will have a guaranteed or perfect pregnancy. I don't know if I helped, but I don;t want anyone else to have to make the decision that I made. yep, I finally in 20 years made a decision about us and I hate that it is this one. The worst one imaginable. Good luck ↑ |
| Name: furious | Date: Oct 31st, 2008 5:19 AM |
It's women like you that make me so angry. How dare you get angry at your husband over something as trivial as not wanting to try for a daughter, when you ALREADY HAVE two healthy, handsome sons that you should be GRATEFUL TO HAVE INSTEAD OF WHINGING ABOUT NOT GETTING YOUR OWN WAY ABOUT ANOTHER BABY. Did it ever occur to you that maybe your husband doesn't want anymore children because he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life "trying" for a daughter if you keep producing sons? And what if you don't end up having a girl? Are you going to resent and ignore your sons for that? Your complete and utter selfishness and "me me me" attitude makes me want to vomit.
My aunty spent more than FIVE YEARS and more than $100,000 on IVF treatments so that she could have ONE child of her own (she didn't care if it was a boy or girl. All she wanted was a healthy child) , and not once was it a success. And after another five years of going through the adoption agency, she and her husband were FINALLY successful at being able to adopt a little girl. ↑ |
| Name: justonemore | Date: Nov 10th, 2008 8:07 AM |
| I've posted 6 months ago. Nothing has changed about my lack of baby situation. Quick recap: I have one from previous marriage, he has two. I feel sad that I have only birthed one child and its not with him. I feel very empty because of that and in a way feel used, as I am a replacement mother for his two. They live with us full time and my one child has visitation with his father, so I see him less. I love his two like my own, but it is not the same as having one with him. Finances aside the clock is ticking on my age. Any thoughts on convincing him the time needs to be now? I am tired of this and amy really starting to resent him. ↑ |
| Name: wishing | Date: Nov 10th, 2008 5:19 PM |
| I have two sons who are 5 & 8 whom I dearly love, and I want another child, but my husband says he is done. Part of it I know stems from the fact that I always wanted a girl, but also just that I always wanted a big family so even another boy would be fine. My husband has expressed concern that another baby may not be healthy and he doesn't want to mess up our sons life with having a time consuming special needs child. ( He and I both have friends that have autistic children.) I think that is just a chance you take and a small one at that. He thinks our family is perfect like it is, which is true, but why not have one more to love? We aren't rich but we do alright financially. We have talked this over in great detail many times. The last time we talked, he said maybe. But he is avoiding the issue. Also I am not on birth control, and he is not refusing to have sex with me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to force him to have another child if he really doesn't, even though I know he would love him/her bc he adores our other two. But I can't get over wanting another one, and I do feel a little resentful of him for "deciding" for us as time ticks away! My advice for others is to talk to your husband, and tell him exactly how you are feeling without being accusing. I have felt better every time we talked, even though we don't agree, he is willing to consider it for my happiness bc he loves me. The indecision is really driving me crazy though! ↑ |
| Name: alicia | Date: Nov 18th, 2008 6:36 AM |
| I don't think you're being selfish but what if you tried again and got another son. Would you try again, and again until that daughter came along? Have you two ever set a limit on the amount of children you would want to have? Maybe if you explained to him how you feel, he may agree before the vasectomy and reconsider just one more time. I feel for you and wish you the best of luck and hope someday you get that daughter you wish for. If not, please remember many can't have at all and you should try to focus and just enjoy your two healthy sons. ↑ |
| Name: Is it being selfish | Date: Nov 22nd, 2008 5:59 AM |
| I have been dealing with this problem myself and I totally am lost as well. when me and my husband first got together neither 1 of us wanted to have children and then a while later I ended up pregnant with my son. My son will be 5 and when my son turned 2 years old the thought crossed my mind that I might want another child and I tried talking about it with my husband and he said he didnt want anymore, and then he told me that I always knew he never wanted kids and I was the one that changed my mind so it wasnt his fault and he wasnt gonna change. I 've cried and cried and I just get the same feeling I want 1 more baby. My husband told me that if I wanted to have kids that would be fine but it would not be with him. I am so confused cause I try not to think about it, but when I see a friends baby or find out someone close to me is pregnant that's all I think about and he gets mad at me cause he knows exactly what I am thinking about. I am so lost I dont know what to do cause I really love my husband but I am so angry with him. cause I feel like my feeling don't matter. ↑ |
| Name: Melanie | Date: Dec 6th, 2008 4:05 AM |
| I have a friend that had a vasectomy secertly because he thought his wife was cheating. Come to find out she was. She began preganut and he keep himself silent until trial becare. ↑ |
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