I'm so sad right now and so confused. I try to keep it to myself most of the time, even though it's an every day thing for my husband and I. I'm carrying my second "miracle child" and although I've come along way, there are times, like right now, when I'm so disgusted with my body...this amazing body that has been through soooo much and has NOT let me die despite years and years of abuse from my mental illness and is carrying a sacred gift...I can't get past how fat and ugly I feel. How frumpy and uncomfortable. I have a loving, amazing husband and a gorgeous, miraculous 1 year old daughter and I'm wondering if, after 20 years of battling my head (I'm only 24 mind you) if I'm ever going to get the peace I so desperately seek. My in-laws will hold up my little girl and carelessly say "you would think this would be enough to cure you" or "you'd think my son would be enough..."
I go to the gym, I work out, I seem to eat sooooo much, and am positive I'm gaining waaaaaay too much weight (although my husband says he can't see anything. But I don't let him see me naked anyway poor, wonderful, understanding guy) I feel guily and horrible and squishy and I've been through it all, you know? I've had every type of eating disorder known to man, I've been through all kinds of therapy, gained all sorts of knowledge and understanding...I just still feel like I've got to hide. That I'm not good enough. That I need people to tell me I don't look pregnant for the next four months (I've got six more to go) and I think I look like I'm carrying twins. And I KNOW none of this should matter. I KNOW what is most important...but the voices won't stop and I'm tired and frusterated and really just feel like crying, but I can't. I don't know where this is going to go, I just know I had to communicate right now or I'd go nuts! (well...even more so) ↓
|
