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Name: Who Knows
[ Original Post ]
Hey. So I woke up this morning already planning what I would buy and when I would vomit. All went to schedule. I finished work and had another list for dinner and schedule on plan as I tuck into my muffin to follow with trip to toliet. Im writing because I can't believe I am still here 2 years later with the same problem and doing it 2/3 times a day. I am tired of it... I know its not right to say but I wish I were anorexic. The thought of being able to see food and have control not to be tempted is something beyond me and fail to do. Instead I find it easier to binge and purge. I look in the mirror and HATE myself. I hate people staring at me because I know they are looking at my FAT. I hate people watching me eat thinking thats why she is FAT. I hate myself! I think I want help sometimes, sometimes when im low and I look in the mirror after a "session" wiping my face and rinsing my mouth. But then another day begins and its easier to forget that memory and plan my list of things to eat and when to have my "session". My boyfriend knows about my problem and its finally got to him and he can't take it. How funny that I am the type of person who needs and wants a man in my life but yet now I would rather have me and my bulimia. My life!
Not only do I have this problem, Im a laxative abuser too. Dulcolax. Take 2 tablets. I've bought 80 tablets today and will use them all. I've done 100 tablets before. How is this supposed to make me feel pretty. Look at what I do to myself. At times I have walked down the street or laid in bed wishing I would just die - it would be easier than having to fight this battle! One I can't defeat.
Funny thing is last year I asked my GP for help. She gave me a list of places I could go. All Monday to Friday during office hours. I have a job so what am I supposed to do???!! I then went to my work private GP and as she got her pen out on my file - I asked if it could be off the record. She said no. So that was a quick and useless appointment. This is the first time I am writing on a forum and normally I've just done a quick search on bulimics or tips on how to puke mostly but today I feel like I need a friend, one who I can say this all and not have a face of pity looking at me, a face that thinks how can you be bulimic when you are FAT. You are my friend, the only one I can open up to. Really if you think about it ... I'm just talking to myself. I guess that's all... me ... and my bulimia.
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Name: littlenin | Date: Jan 20th, 2011 10:44 AM
hi
i just came across this and decided to sign up purely for the fact that i wanted to say to you, that yes ED's are probably the loneliest illnesses that exsist and its so easy to get into that cycle of fearing being alone because you fear that if you are, you ED will take over and start to binge, because theres no one else around! but then at the same time you "hate" being around others because you are scared they will look at you while you eat. you need to realise that that is the ED taking over!!! when you sit there thinking im fat everyones looking at me eating, you are not in control of your thoughts and that time, the bulimia is, and you need to recognise when this is happening and say to yourself "NO GO AWAY, I AM NOT FAT!! THEY ARE NOT LOOKING AT ME. I AM GOING TO EAT THIS MEAL AND BE HAPPY" in other words F**K OFF BULIMIA!!!!! trust me it isnt easy, it has taken me years to be able to realise when these thoughts are taking over and that that is when i am not in control. it takes time and it takes practise but the more you do it the easier it becomes. trust me. and also, no one is perfect ok? but you have to make the most of what you've got in front of you. if you've got a boyfriend you must be doing something right? ask him to write down things he likes the most about you, it doesnt even have to be physical, it can be anything. if you're single, why dont you use the time you would have spent eating and throwing up, to go out and meet guys?! its the little things that will make such a huge huge huge difference to your life and your happiness. im not some hippy freak by the way!! ive just had so much s**t happen to me in the last 8 year. i cant even believe it has been that long, its felt like one big blur to be honest, i want my life back and im doing everything i can to get there, im only 21 and have so much to live for. if any of this has heped make you feel even a teensy bit better that im happy, i hope you will be too xoxo 

Name: jaxnsmithsma | Date: Jan 21st, 2011 2:58 AM
....you can talk to me. bulimia is not listening. dont give the disease the control it will only oppress you. talk to me, i am you.... but 13 years further along x 

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