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Name: Noelle
[ Original Post ]
I've been battling bulimia for over 2 years now and have recently started seeing a Dietician and a new therapist that specializes in eating disorders, but as much help as I am getting, I still struggle EVERY day with eating. It's such a chore for me, but so hard for me to stop eating. It's like something comes over me and so I give in and then after I think I'm satified, I binge and the whole cycle starts over again. I want this to stop. I don't want this to be an issue anymore. It has really messed things up for me physically and mentally. I live with a constant guilt of what I am and have done to myself, bu still even when a doctor tells me that because I have been doing this, I have a tear in the lining of my stomach and estophagus damage, I still do it. I just would like to talk to other people who are going through this also. I have so many "highs and lows" Day where I'm okay and others where I can't stop crying. I want my life to be balanced and it's not.
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Name: Henrietta | Date: Jun 16th, 2005 8:43 PM
I too have had bulimia so I know how hard it is to stop the cycle. My bulimia started after I recovered from my anorexia. It was almost a way to keep my eating disorder going. I know how compelled you can feel to eat, and then just throw up. No matter how bad you feel, you just keep doing it, again and again. The only thing that really worked for me was to get all the food out of my house. I only bought what I needed for each meal. This really prevents binging. If you go outside, don't carry any money...that way you can't buy binge food. I also found that making a list of things to do would keep me occupied. Every time I wanted to binge or purge I would go to my list and do one thing on it. Even if it was cleaning out my sock drawer, I just needed time to get the binge or purge urge out of my system. I had many slips along the way, but a slip doesn't mean you have to fall back into the pattern. Have faith. It will take time, but it will get easier eventually. I never thought I would say this but there is life beyond your eating disorder. 

Name: Astrid | Date: Jun 17th, 2005 5:49 PM
I never knew what it was like to have an eating disorder. As Noelle pointed out to me in my question, it seems that my daughter may have one. Reading both of your posts makes me so sad (I'm actually crying right now), but it also gives me hope. Knowing that you have both made it through (although not without struggles) gives me some reassurance that I can help my daughter through this as well. Thank you both for your posts. I wish you all the best in your futures. 

Name: Jill | Date: Jun 23rd, 2005 9:19 PM
I do not have an eating disorder so I do not know how hard it is. However, I can tell you this....If you eat a balance diet 5 meals a day and keep yourself occupied you can overcome this. You are strong enough to say...I am not going to binge today. It is an addiction that can be beat. If not serious side effects can happen, such as heart attack so please get help. 

Name: ang | Date: Jul 5th, 2005 12:30 AM
i think you should get outside help from a counselor. i'm not bulimic, i'm anorexic, but i understand that telling you to keep occupied and eat 5 meals a days is not going to do it. you need help.

i'm so sorry you are going through this, but at least you are at the point that you know what you are doing is sick, and you actually want to stop. that's HUGE! 

Name: JEANINE | Date: Jul 7th, 2005 3:07 PM
I've been had an eating disorder off and on for over 10 years. I had inpatient as well as out patient treatment. I just found out last night that I'm pregnant. I have tried repeatedly to stop, I know of the dangers, but I can't. I Have read books, been to meetings but nothing has changed. I am so ashamed and cry all the time. I want to stop as well, I don't know if I'm strong enough. 

Name: NeeNerz | Date: Jul 7th, 2005 11:06 PM
OH, NOELLE, such a lovely name for what I am sure is a lovely girl. You obviously are at least making the effort to heal... I hear your pain. I'm 28. I was heavily bulimic for 8 years. It started while in a relationship with a jerk with Bi-polar. It was too much for me to handle emotionally, so I began binging. Purging. Binging. Purging. I rarely ate regular meals cuz I figured, why not go the whole 10 yards and enjoy food and then just get rid of it? I continued all these years. doing it 2-3 times a day. NEVER missed a day unless I was on a trip (but I eventually learned how to do it anywhere). We bulimics are SNEAKY, aren't we? Well, 6 days ago, I finally said it out loud, to my hubby, who has been with me 5 years. He was not shocked, given I've always amazed people with my ability to eat loads of food and be a 120lb girl. He was great. And honestly, it was like saying it outloud got rid of the devilish deamon inside of me. I have not binged/purged in 6 whole days! I eat sensibly. I stop. I have myself on the "One Plate Rule." It's tough, and I don't plan on telling anyone other than my tharapist and hubby... so soon I'll be questioned by my friends and fam on why suddenly the small apetite? I have an appt wiht my doc to checkout any other damage I've done next week. I saw my new eating disorders tharapist this morning and have a dentist appt this month to see what my eroded teeth should have done. (sigh) You can do it, especially if I could! I pictured myself at 80 years old, and still living like that. NO WAY! 


Name: susan | Date: Jul 9th, 2005 3:47 AM
I have been doing this for 13 years. Making wonderful meals while my boyfriend is at work. Eating til I feel like i'll explode, and then heaving. And then, being sooooo scared at how hard my heart beats afterward. I weigh about 120, walk about 4 miles a day,and l am am alcoholic/addict (recovering). I am very scared about what is going to happen to my heart if i DON'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX THIS VERY SOON. i WILL DIE. 

Name: zara | Date: Jul 19th, 2005 3:33 AM
I want to become anorexic because i'm 120 lbs, does it makes sese to? i'm 14. someone tell me please, before i make a mistake 

Name: emma | Date: Jul 21st, 2005 9:24 AM
im anorexic, but i used to be bulimic, i just found it too much of a chore to puke it all up after i ate so ive done away with food. these kinds of issues, with food i mean, are the hardest to over come because its more than issues, its an acual lifestyle. its like once you start you cant stop you think, oh, its just one tacos, or one piece of cake, which turns into 7 tacos and 4 pieces of cake wich turnes into 10 minutes of "bathroom" time...i know what you are going through, and im sorry, i know how it feels, you doing sooo well then it seems you hit rock bottom, but the best thing about hitting the bottom id theres nowhere to go but up. and this is to zara, you are 14!! 14 years old...and if you chose this lifestyle there is a great chance you will be dead by the time you are 30. trust me you dont want to do this...i dont care if you were 150 lbs. anorexia and bulimia arent diets they are serious disorders that KILL you. thats right, they will KILL you if you never get help. this isnt the answer if yiu want to drop 10 -15 lbs...try trimspa or something like that, even thuogh 120 is nothing to be worried about...you need to except you for you...im working on it, but i cant emphasize enough on how you are treading on VERY dangerous ground here, you think you will just lose some wieght, then it will be ok and you can just walk away from this a little skinnier, but you wont, you'll be soo weak you wont be able to walk, you'll be so sick you'll be in a hospitol, like my sister who was 20 years old and at 92 lbs. she is now 23, and at 110 and wants to gain more. im so proud of her...she made it, but alot of ppl dont, and i dont want you to be among the ppl that dont make it, you have all your life to be thin, enjoy your childhood cause you'll regret spending your childhood in a hospitol while your friends are off having a good time, like me, when my bestfriends were getting thier first kisses, i was getting my first meal throgh a tube...trust me thats not how you want to remember the years that are soposed to be the most memorable...it will be a nightmare 

Name: scared | Date: Jul 22nd, 2005 10:16 PM
I have been suffering with bulimia for about 16 years I can go a few months without doing anything than I will go back to 1-2 times a day 2-3 days a week I dont know what to do I am not overweight just dont like the way I look I am afraid I have told my doctor but I thought I had it under control by myself. Any advice would be helpful 

Name: Shaz | Date: Jul 25th, 2005 9:02 AM
I've been battling bulimia for 6 years, however, it has only become my lifestyle for the past 7 months. Like some of you, i only used to do it once in a while (once a month) when i felt "fat". However, ever since losing 10kgs in the last 7 months through the combination of exercise and being bulimic, i am paranoid that my now "skinny" frame will easily show any weight gain. I hate what has happened to me... i hate the fact that such a very normal thing has become a nightmare i.e. eating. I used to enjoy food very much, but now, it seems i think about eating so much that it's just something i do not like to do. Consequently, through my paranoia, i get so frustrated with myself that i binge, and so the cycle, like most of you know, begins. At the moment, i feel desperate to kick off this horrible habit. It control's me... my thought... my lifestyle. As i read all your posts, it brings me comfort to know there are people out there who share in my nightmare. I hope and pray that sooner rather than later, we will all get over this darn disorder. I just want to express how happy i am to have found such a website where people like me can talk about their experiences. Hoping to hear updates from all your stories. 

Name: Tanya | Date: Aug 4th, 2005 11:37 PM
Noelle,I have the other side of your problem,I over eat.I have always been over weight.I think how wired it is that we both feel the same way.Sometimes there is a deeper problem that stands behind it.I found out that my parents keeping me from food was what made me eat more. You must take control of your life and do the best you can for you.I wish you all the best love.... 

Name: hails | Date: Aug 7th, 2005 5:37 PM
hey, im worried abt my w8, and i h8 feelin full up, so ive tried being sick ( jst 2 get rid of it wen im full) but onli little bits cum up wat am i doin wrong...ill onli do ths wen im full, i wnt b bulimic or nefing 

Name: Irene | Date: Aug 11th, 2005 3:24 PM
I have been bulimic for about 3 years now. When I started I was just doing it when I went out to eat with friends because I wanted to enjoy some good food now and then and not have to deal with the consequences. It eventually got to the point where I would do it every day, and then several times a day, etc. Now all I can think about all the time is binging and purging. I started smoking for a while to replace the oral fixation, but then I started dating a guy who has smoked for 10 years and wanted to quit so I quit with him to make it easier. If I start smoking again I know he won't have the willpower to stay quit, but smoking is also the only thing that has ever seriously helped. I know that's awful because smoking is awful, but I'm getting pretty desperate. I hate to smoke though because I am very into singing and because I hate how it makes it hard to breathe and just all the nasty side effects. But now I have a new problem, and this is one I have never heard anyone mention: It's becoming more and more difficult to throw up. Most people say that after a couple of years they don't even have to use thier fingers anymore, but I am just the opposite. This has happened once before and I can't remember what I did to fix it. It used to feel completely natural, like my body knew what I was going to do and helped me along. Now it takes me like 45 minutes to throw up and I probably don't even get a third of what I ate out. When I eat I still always think I'll be able to throw up no problem but then when I can't I try so hard I give myself a headache, I feel stuffed and bloated, and I've gained about 10 lbs in the past week. No joke. I know I need to get help and I know I need to stop, but the one thing I really know for sure is that I don't want to be overweight. I wish I could somehow start hating food and be anorexic. They say that bulemia and anorexia are so close but I can't imagine not eating. I know that's not healthy either but it would be healthier than what I'm doing now. My long term goal is of course to stop this eventually, but this is my short-term question until I am strong enough to do that: Why is it becoming so hard for me to throw up? What can I do to make it easier so I don't torture myself trying? I know everyone is going to say that this question is totally wrong and that what I really need to do is stop, but the reality of it is I am a compulsive over-eater and I am going to binge eat one way or the other, which is totally unhealthy anyway, and for the time being I just want to remember how I used to be able to run off and throw up an entire meal before anyone even noticed I was gone. Any advice? 

Name: jodie | Date: Aug 12th, 2005 8:37 PM
i to have been battling bulimia going on 6 yrs now.I feel out of control and want to stop sooo bad .But just like you its just so hard to just stop . i tell myself every day "you can stop this" but i give in and the cycle starts all over again and then I feel like a failure. I have two beautiful daughters.And know if I want to see the grow up and have kids of their own then I have to over come this awful problem. 

Name: Pam | Date: Aug 15th, 2005 8:50 PM
I just want to be able to purge all I eat & sometimes I cannot get any of the food back up. Why?? 

Name: Reply to Pam | Date: Aug 16th, 2005 2:55 AM
I think your body just gets so used to it that your gag reflex gets desensitized, or maybe it's just your body's natural defenses trying to stop something it knows is unhealthy. All I know is that this has been happening to me a lot lately too. Every time it happens I tell myself that if it's going to be that hard I should try really hard to get over being bulimic because if I binge but can't purge I'll get fat. Then I always magically get the ability back right before I'm seriously about to quit. It sucks. , 

Name: Whiny | Date: Aug 18th, 2005 4:55 AM
My guilty pleasure has become my guilty sin... and will become my guilty death. After I'm gone everyone will know. I don't want to be remembered this way. When I look in the mirror I know the truth. I see the hideous monster that lies beneath this beautiful shell. The way I eat, I should be 500 lbs. It's like drinking from the fountain of youth but knowing that you're really 100 years old. Is the disguise enough to make it real? I used to tell myself every day that I would stop, but now I don't even bother. I know I won't. And then there's him. He has no idea. It's not fair to him. I know I'm dying. I can feel it. I can feel the pain in my chest, in my stomach, in my whole body. My neck is permanently swollen and my teeth are always sore. I get dizzy spells and occasionally bleed from places where I shouldn't. He loves me and losing me would kill him. I love him too. So why is this worth it? Why do I do it? I don't want to die. I'm only 21 years old. I want to have a family. I want to grow old with my love and write this off as nothing more than a phase I went through when I was a kid. But is it too late? I can feel the damage. I don't know where the point of no return is. Looking back, I can remember when I didn't do this to myself but I can't remember what I was thinking. I don't know how to go back to that. This is the worst addiction I have ever struggled with. When you smoke, you don't get to see your black lungs. You can forget. But I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, the headaches, the weakness. I need so much more sleep than I used to and I never even want to go on walks because I'm too tired and sore. What's the point of being skinny if I'm going to be a skinny vegetable? I'm not even that skinny anyway. It's the evenings that kill me. On the rare occasion that I can make it through an evening without binging/purging, I feel so refreshed in the morning, but it's so hard. I always regret it. I get so depressed. I don't want to waste my youth and I don't want to die. I am so scared but at the same time I feel so pathetic. I don't have a terminal disease, I do this to myself. There are people out there dying of cancer while I am sitting here whining about something that is completely voluntary. I want to stop so badly. I want to live forever. I want to see myself with grey hair, with grandchildren on my lap... with him. 

Name: Laura | Date: Aug 23rd, 2005 10:09 PM
Hey, I have been bulimic for about 2 years now. I find myself out of control when it comes to the topic of food. I worry all the time that I look fat compared to all of my friends and can't bring to look at myself in photos as I believe I ruin them. Then at night I just think 'well its ok if I eat some chocolate of icecream, everyone else does.' I eat an enormous amount of food without even realising, everytime I have finished one item of food I'm onto the next, its a frantic and viscious cycle. Then I realise after a short period of time that all of the this food will make me look incredibly fat and I either excercise manically or make myself be sick. Though I know this behaviour is not normal I have some sort of sick satisfaction after I've been sick that it's ok now and that I won't gain weight. I have eroded my front two teeth badly, suffered from inflamed throats and very irregular periods. I have very low esteem levels with my body, and I don't know what to do. I once looked healthy in my face and and it glowed now its just pale and spotty.I have visited the doctors and have reaslised that I have very low serotonin levels and am currently taking medicine to help my disorder, you should try the same. 

Name: Fifi | Date: Aug 25th, 2005 10:15 PM
I have been fighting bulimia for years and 6 months ago I stopped. I recently ate something that bothered me and I threw it up now I eat and I can't stop throwing up it's like my stomach can't handle food I really want to stop I don't know what to do. Why does your stomach feel like that after you eat I hate that feeling and that is what makes me throw up. Please someone help. 

Name: Beverly | Date: Aug 27th, 2005 11:39 AM
wow, 2 days w/out and i thought for sure i could make it. 2 days doesn't sound like a lot but for me doing it 3 4 or 5 times a day it was a lot. i've broken other addictions and this is the hardest by far. i cracked and ate part of a party sub today and then i threw up. i was so close to day 3. i hope this doesn't start me all over again. it was the chest pains that scared me into wanting to quit. 

Name: saskia | Date: Aug 27th, 2005 4:46 PM
hi am 13 years old and i make my self sick and sometimes i dont eat i just want to eat food and not think wow this is bad or things like that am just sooooo fed up and i dont get why my bf is still wif me am like 9 or 12 or maybe big stone and very unhappy i really hate my self i really do i would love a flat tummy and really be happy for once i feel sorry for my self all the time . This all started when my nana and papa died and since i was bullied in primary now am in 3rd year in high skool and really unhappy sometimes i want to be dead i really doooo i really want a teenager to talk to who has been through this too and has recovered well if there is any 1 plz email me on [email protected] plz reply XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX also i have tryed to lose it but its not workin so plz email me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Name: Louise | Date: Aug 29th, 2005 3:29 PM
This must be so frustrating for you. I know how it feels to have the 'high and low' days and you think you're fine and able to cope on a good day, but it's so disappointing when things go wrong again and you lapse back into a binge. The best way to cope, I found, was to be around other people. I'm not saying I talked to loads of people about it because I was too ashamed, but I found it easier to be around other people and eat with them because it meant that I could not eat too much that I'd feel guilty and then there was no way I could go and make myself sick without them noticing. I also tried to be by myself as little as possible becuase I found that by myself I would sit and think about food and what I could eat and then throw-up without anyone knowing. Around people you'll become more relaxed and because you'll be talking and doing things your mind won't be on food. This is how I coped and now I am fine. I also had anorexia before hand so it was a struggle to stop and get rid of such a gripping habbit. Another thing to think about is, yes, it is hard, but you will be better off in a long run. It is bad for you and you have the power to control it so, please try your best. good luck 

Name: andrea | Date: Aug 29th, 2005 5:55 PM
When I read your story it is as I am reading my own. I have had this problem for over three years and I can tell you that seeing a dietician, or a tharapist will work not work because the next day when you are on your own you will binge and then throw up. Thinking that you can fix the problem yourself is just another part of the eating disorder and control issue. I like you need serious help and the only way that we will be able to overcome this is not by ourselves but with around the clock, day by day care. I am afraid to go, but I believe for you and myself that the only way to fix myself and lead the normal life I once had is to enroll my self in an inpatient eating disorder clinic. Where they will watch me 24/7, and I will not be able to fail myself. Please listen to my advise, every day for the last two years I have tried and tried again to fix myself, yet like you I failed, the guilt was overwhelming and the cycle continued.
With all my best wishes, Andrea 

Name: recovered | Date: Aug 30th, 2005 5:01 AM
Firstly, you should be really proud of yourself for admitting your problem and going to see a Dietician and therapist. I do believe that anything is possible if you put your mind on it. 

Name: Brooke | Date: Aug 30th, 2005 5:25 PM
Hi, Noelle I know EXACTLY how you feel! really I do but first here is a little about me...
I am 15 years old... BMI is 18.5 level 4 gymnast 5"3" drinks coffee and 2 hours of gymnastics daily to stay some what short, and I have an eating disorder, I have anorxia, and bulimia and I do it to stay tiny for gymnastics, and to get people jealous, and to feel really good about myself. I feel disgusting because I have just binged and then I haven't thrown any of it up... and I start high school tommorrow grade 9. 

Name: Kim | Date: Aug 31st, 2005 3:26 PM
I'm trying a new approach because nothing else has worked. Last week I went 2 days, almost 3, without purging and I really thought it was over, but as always it went back to the same old pattern. I called my boyfriend because we are planning on spending our 3 day weekend together. We're both very excited because he works full-time and is a student so we never get to see each other. I didn't tell him my problem of course, I was completely vague about it. I told him I had a goal to accomplish that was very important to me. I told him that I've not been doing so well at getting my goal accomplished, and that if I set little self-punishments for myself they never seem to work so I need to get someone else involved. I asked if it would be ok if I put our weekend at stake, even though I know he's really looking forward to seeing me. I said I wanted to make it where if I mess up as far as reaching my goal (he doesn't even know whether my goal is to do something or to not do something so at least he's still in the dark) I am not allowed to see him this weekend. He said he would be highly disappointed if we don't get to spend the weekend together, but if it's that important to me it's worth it. He also said he has complete faith in me so he doesn't even consider it a possibility that we won't get to see each other. So now the pressure is on. That means I have to go 3 whole days without purging, which is a lot for me. I did it like 5 times yesterday. I'm starting to get some really bad chest pains. I don't want to tell him that if I mess up my goal this weekend I have to up and leave, because that would be more of a giveaway if it happens, so if I make it to the weekend I need some other strong motivator to make it through. I can set myself the same goal next week as far as seeing him and I'm pretty confidant it will work, but what about while I'm with him? We always go out to breakfast or something. I'm also worried about Friday because my office is buying us lunch and it's going to be hard for me to pass that up and eat one of my little microwave rice cups, but I did it last week. Maybe I could set the goal for next week starting the weekend. Like if I purge while I'm out with him this weekend I don't get to see him next weekend, and I'll just tell him at some random point during the week that I failed at my goal. I wonder what the odds are that this will work? 

Name: jenn | Date: Sep 3rd, 2005 7:43 PM
I think it's great that everyone is talking and responding to Noelle. Having a eating disorder is tough, because your usually the only one that knows. Talking about it is great, it's not a secret anymore. Keep telling trusted people, one step at a time. One common theme keeps coming up in many of your responses. It's ' I feel so out of control'. I have had an eating disorder and I think mine was about control. I find when my life feels out of control, I start to think about my weight, etc.. but if I really think about it, I usually realize there's something else in my life that's stressful, and I'm avoiding it by thinking about my weight. I always wanted to perfect, fit in, I just didn't want to feel the pain of 'real life'. If only i was thinner, prettier, etc... It's an illusion. I find it so sad that so many of us have suffered because of what we think will make us normal or accepted by society. It is a hard thing to go through, but hold on and reach out and keep reaching out to whom ever will help. Take care and your worth it. 

Name: aj | Date: Sep 10th, 2005 3:45 AM
I know exactly what you're going through. I went through the same thing day in and day out for years. I finally found a therapist that helped me to recover... however it's 5 years later and I still find myself binge and purging. I think the most important thing to remember is to not beat yourself up when you do it. That only adds to your frustration and stress. I hate to hear you dealing with this right now. I know it's a dark tunnel. You have to keep believing in yourself and your own willpower to turn it around and you will. You will. But know that you will have bumps in the road , its not something you can quit cold turkey. Forgive yourself of the bumps. Keep going. 

Name: Sarah | Date: Sep 30th, 2005 8:03 PM
I have battled bulimi for 6 years and would love to chat one on one about our experieces. No one else understands.my email in [email protected] Hope to her from you soon 

Name: Katie | Date: Oct 4th, 2005 9:15 PM
Hey, My names Katie.... I've felt real bad about myself for about 2 months now. Just about 2 days ago i decided i was sick of who i was and i was goin to start throwing up because i felt so guilty about when i eat. Every time i think about stoppin all i half to do is look in the mirror and then i just make myself throw up. My friends say that i'm pretty and skinny but i have a "ghetto booty" and i hate it. I just hate me. I feel like every one notices. i want to loose weight and i hate bein myself.I havent told anyone about what i'm doin exsept you. I always cry and try to avoid the mirror. I never wanna go with friends any were and i'm always mean when i dont want to be.i get jealous of other girls and the way they look when they eat more then me. I wanna be as skinny as them but when i look in the mirror i always say stuff to myself like "YOU FAT BITCH WHY DONT YOU EAT SOMEMORE" I hate myself 

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