hi, i've been living with my eating disorder alone since about 15 years. at first i just wanted to loose weight because i thought i was too fat. it didn't bother me so much in the beginning but after loosing more and more pounds i really started to like it and got more obsessed with exersicing. 1 hour a day almost 7 days a week. i cut down the food til i only ate some meals and just a little bit of vegetables. i really started to feel healthy and i lost alot of punds. but what i didn't realize was that this were really get stuck in my head. if i ate more then the calorie intake then i had planed, or didn't exersiced that ruined my planes, i started to get sad and feel extremly guilty. i got back to school after summer vaction and all my friends got all like " god, how much weight have you lost, are you anorexic?" at first i was really glad that people saw that i had lost weight, but then they got to close and started asking questions that made me really angry. i don't want them to find out my secret, it's my own sercret.
this developed something called bining disorder, i didn't really know it existed til i read about it. i thought i was crazy first eating so much that i thought my stomach would blow up. now i want to lose all the weight i gained, about 1 stone and 7 pounds, by struggeling with the binging that luckely ain't that serious yet and that is why i'm trying to stop now. i'd rather be anorexic then a binger. so i go up at 4:30 am just so i won't miss my practice, if i do i will punish my self with eating and what i don't want. if i do i'm not aloud to eat for a couple of days so i will loose the weight i posebly gained. i've been trying to throw up as well just so i will loose more weight but i'm not so good at it. * today i don't have my period, i'm swollen, i loose A LOT of hair ( everyone call me cancer kid) , i freez and have blue nails. it just wont stop, i want to stop but at the same time the voice in my head says "no, no you're too fat, loose weight"!
i could talk about this all day but i guess it isn't that interesting. i were just hoping someone will write and talk with me, i feel so lonely, i've first been trying to talk discreetly with my mother but she won't listen and it makes me sad, and my brother knows about it but he only promis me he won't tell anyone. so this was my last way out, to write it on internet and be hoping for someone to read and comment. i'm not the first in the world to discusse this so maybe everyone thinks i'm ridiculous.
thank you for your time, hope you write :) ↓
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