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Name: j.m.s
[ Original Post ]
Without writing a novel... I'll give you a little history on my current situation. The man I married was my first love at 16 years old. We dated for a year and a half. Then decided it best to part and do a little growing up. Which turned out to be a great decision for the both of us. Four years later our paths crossed again. We started to date but taking it slow. Once I realized it was serious and he was "it" for me, I made it very clear how I feel about having children. It's a must! There's never been any doubt in my mind I was put on this earth to be a mom. He on the other hand had express his doubts about wanting any. So before investing anymore time into our relationship I needed to make sure this would not be an issue in the future. I asked him to take some time to think about it and get back to me. He did so and assured me one day he wanted to have kids with me. We agreed to revisit the conversation when I turned 26 and he was 28. Two years later we married and have now been married for a year and a half . Last July I turned 26 and he turned 28. I asked if he was ready to talk. Defensively he said no. I said okay, when you are ready let me know, just don't wait to long. Well, it's been almost 5 months and during that time I've dealt with more then my fair share of rude, sarcastic comments about kids and having them, which is his defense mechanism, I know. I'm extremely tired of waiting for him to want to talk. I've presented,indirectly, many opportunities for him to do so. In my eyes children are not a bargaining tool or something to gamble with. Before I invest any more time with this man, I love very much I need to know how he feels. Yes I love him but I feel incomplete without kids. It's just not something I'm willing to live without or at the very least not trying to have.

I guess I'm asking if one else have been in my shoes and might have a little more insight on how to deal with this.
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Name: Steph | Date: Jan 13th, 2009 2:11 AM
I have been in your shoes. When we got married, my husband wasn't ready for kids. He wanted us to be happy as a couple first. No problem. 2 years later, I approached the subject again; this time he said OK (notice no hint of excitement there on his part). We had trouble conceiving and tried for several years. We finally tapped out our credit cards on infertility treatments and decided to take some time off. After a year of "time off", I asked him if he was ready to start trying and he told me he really didn't want to. He was happier with just us. I was floored. We had been married 6 years and I felt like he had been hiding his true feelings from me. What if we had gotten pregnant? How would he have felt toward me and the baby? I let the issue go for a while. Eventually, something clicked in him and he decided he was ready and we started trying again. I guess men just take longer. Instead of months, you may have to give him a year or so. I know on a fertility timetable, that can be scary - we only have so many eggs, but if he's not ready and you do get pregnant, you run the risk of him resenting you and the baby.

As for the pushy people who keep commenting on you about a baby...that sucks too. My situation was a little different in that we couldn't get pregnant (as opposed to choosing), but the comments still hurt. Our society seems to think that a woman just has to have children - without even thinking that there might be other factors involved. 

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