I found this board last night, and I stayed up most of the night fascinated by all the posts. I recognized the tones in the voices of the many people on this sight. I am one of you. I am the woman who will never know what it is like to feel a baby kick for the first time inside my tummy. I am the same woman who will never have my husband tell me I have that glow in my skin, my hair, and my eyes that only a pregnant woman gets. My heart aches like no other pain that I have ever felt before. It is an indiscribable ache that never goes away and only worsens when you see another pregant woman and ask yourself "why does she deserve a baby more than me"? "Why is she pregnant and not me"? What gives her the right to be pregnant and be around me? I know the envy and the anger at myself at God and at her are irrational. After all she is just a stranger who just happened to cross my path and if she were to ever know me I am sure that she would feel badly for my situation and she would sincerely tell me so. At times I feel like I am grasping at handfuls of sand desperately trying to hold on to it. The sand is all hope and not matter how hard I try it just keeps seeping through my fingers until it finally runs out and I have to grab another handful. This is my hope, this is my age, this is my time. slipping away. Although I am only 37 I feel the tic of time gets louder and louder. And most of my friends have their complete families already and are enjoying their children and watching them grow and change. Their families are complete. The thought of getting too old to complete my family scares me. Because I have always wanted a boy and a girl. God has blessed us with a son that we adopted 9 years ago and when we were ready to adopt again. Inflation and greed had slammed the door in our faces making the rest of the dream nearly impossible. The sense of desperation grows still. Some times I sit silently with such an over whelming sense of defeat, helplessness, and loss, that the best I can hope for is a release in the tears that seem to come endlessly. Other times when I am alone I yell at God and scream at the top of my lungs....Why?, Why me?, Why us?, What have we done to cause this? If you are such a loving God than how can you be so cruel? Then I cry again, exhausted and tired. Tired of the anger, tired of losing hope, tired of the envy and heartache, and tired of being sick and tired. Then it hits me... Maybe I need to look at things in a different way. Maybe it's not that I have suffered a loss. Maybe it's that I have been chosen. Chosen to save the life of a child who's outcome might not be so bright if we weren't there. Chosen to keep a woman's life on track by insuring her furture and the future of the child she's going to give birth to. Chosen to be saved by a child who will turn our lives upside down by making us laugh and cry and, making us proud, and disappointed. Making us love like we never thought we could. And fear like none we've ever known over potential bumps and scraped knees, did we remember to let the tooth fairy in? Did Santa remember to bring all the different types of batteries that we're going to need?. Saved by a little innocent soul who did nothing more then look into our eyes and in an instant steal our hearts forever. So for anyone who is reading the boards please recognize the powerful emotions that you are seeing. Feel them, let them touch your hearts. and try to understand them. Please don't use our vulnerablilites for your cruel intentions. God forbid should you ever be in our place one day. We are not people who should be made fun of or made the butt of pranks. We are just people who have been chosen by innocent souls who need us just as much as we need them. They are waiting and so are we. It's just some times a miracle needs a little help to ensure that it happends. That's why we are all here. Nothing more. We don't need the envey and we don't want anymore heartaches. Please respect that.
Jilliannne ↓
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| Name: bikrbratt | Date: Jul 1st, 2006 7:11 PM |
| I read you post and it was exact it brought tears to my eyes. I'm 34 now but when I was 30 I lost my chances of ever having a child due to having a full hysterectomy from the illness of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. When we got married we couldnt afford a bigger house so we built onto the one we lived in to make a extra bedroom for an adoptive child. I sold all my belongings to complete our dream but it was shattered when the contractor ran off with our money and never finished. We had to take out a second mortgage to complete the project and now our baby dream seems untouchable. ↑ |
| Name: Jilliannetoo | Date: Jul 3rd, 2006 12:37 AM |
bikrbratt, hold on as tight as you can to your dreams. With God nothing is impossible. I am so sorry for your loss both in money and physically. I had the same thing happen to me when I was 27. But prior to the hysterectomy. The doctors couldn't tell us what the problem was. Then all hope was lost after the 3rd surgery for fibroid tumors. Believe in miracles. We were contacted out of the blue by our birth mother after posting our family profile all over the internet. I actually hung up on her when she first called because I thought she was playing a cruel joke. We like you had lost everthing. But we had lost all of our money to corrupt adoption agencies, and we were living on borrowed money and credit cards and after we brought our son home, we ate hot dogs and mac and cheese for 2 years before we finally went under and had to file for bankruptsy. But now 7 years later we have a wonderful son and have watched him grow into a find young man. And we have just now gotten back to where we started financially. We started talking about geting our little girl years ago but when we looked into it we found that we just couldn't afford to. We are a middle class family with a beautiful house and 2 cars 2 dogs and of course our son has everything life has to offer a 9 year old (Bunny rabbit, video games drums, private drum lessons, etc.) but still adoption is out of our reach. I was told the other day that it would be $40,000 to adopt a child in a 3rd world country. How is that possible? That's how I ended up here. Just like you. I would love to keep in touch with you and be like adoption buddies. We will keep each other strong and give each other support. We can do this. When I am detemined to do somthing. I never give up until either I get a clear answer from God telling me that this is not what I need right now or unil he passes down a miracle for me and my family. We can do this. I know we can.
Jillianne ↑ |
| Name: Iknowyou | Date: Jul 3rd, 2006 12:45 AM |
| Hi your story touches me and please hold your dream, and that baby will come to you when there is no hope at all. I know I feared as my dream would never happen and it did once and praying it will again so both you ladies are wonderful women stay strong. ↑ |
| Name: Dreamsofchild | Date: Jul 3rd, 2006 11:05 PM |
I know how this feels it Hurts Like mad. Take care
Dreams ↑ |
| Name: seal | Date: Jul 4th, 2006 4:19 AM |
| Name: lorilea | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 6:07 PM |
HI JILLIANNE,
I READ YOUR POST AND YOU SAID ALL THE THINGS THAT I THINK ALMOST EVERYDAY. ME AND MY HUSBAND HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ELEVEN YEARS. I WAS PREGNANT ONCE 8 YEARS AGO AND HAD A ETOPIC PREGNANCY. I THOUGHT THE WORLD HAD JUST ENDED WHEN THAT HAPPENED. I JUST TURNED 30 AND MY HUSBAND IS 33. WE HAVE JUST RECENTLY DECIDED TO ADOPT. IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK PLEASE EMAIL ME AT [email protected] ↑ |
| Name: jamiea | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 8:22 PM |
| Amen, my Sister. You have described everything I think and feel. We want a child so badly, that each month passes by so fast that I feel like I am running out of time. That is the hardest part to handle, jamiea [email protected] ↑ |
| Name: S.M.B. | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 6:54 PM |
| :-( My heart and prayers to all of you :-) ↑ |
| Name: Me | Date: Jul 29th, 2006 3:32 AM |
| Name: bbaby2006 | Date: Jul 30th, 2006 4:45 AM |
| Thanks for your post Jillianne. All of what you said is so true. It is a nice feeling to know that there are others just like me out there. We are not feeling the desire alone. We can all relate. Best of luck to you. If they sold patience in a bottle I could use a truck load. ↑ |
| Name: ajrl223 | Date: Jul 30th, 2006 4:50 PM |
Jilliannne,
$40,000 is a lot of money. There are agencies that are a lot less. With our adoption the most it will cost us is $16,000 that is w/ legals and finalizations. And the other day I ran across an agency in KY that only charges $5000. Keep looking around and if you like email me and I can help you sort through the agencies. [email protected]
aj ↑ |
| Name: readytoadopt | Date: Jul 30th, 2006 4:55 PM |
| What agency only charge 5000.00 please? Thanks ↑ |
| Name: question | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 3:40 PM |
| Hey,if you want to adopt a child who has no hope for a family why don't you contact me.I have been helping families adopt for 4 years now and have had great success.I have worked in both private and agency adoptions.I hear every week about new children needing homes.What age would you be interested in?I have seen some adoptions go through for only $300.others that cost $6000.Anyone who is interested in adopting,please feel free to contact me!!!I would love to help.email me at [email protected] put adoption in the heading ↑ |
| Name: Jilliannetoo | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 8:09 PM |
Vietnam
I haven't been back here for quite a while but it is good to see all the support that we are all giving each other. We can do this. I know we can. And right now I am working on something that may help us all. I have a friend, actually she is my business partner and she used to work with babies and children in Vietnam. And she and I are going to take a trip there in a few months and talk to the American Embassy and if all goes well I might be bringing a new daughter . I am going to find out if there is a way to make this happen for many parents to be and the fees are unbelievable inexpensive. I am being told that it will be right around $2,ooo total for paper work and everything. The most expensive thing will be the plane ticket. If this works we may have a way for all of us to finally bring home the children that we are waiting for. Keep praying everybody. We CAN do this. I will keep you updated! ↑ |
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