Hi,
Is it possible in a closed adoption for the adoptive parents to keep their last name private? My husband is scared that if we adopt that in the future the biological parents might change their mind and try to take the baby back. Does anyone have any legal advice for me?
Thanks ↓
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| Name: dmt | Date: May 8th, 2007 7:19 PM |
| Name: michellesnook | Date: May 8th, 2007 9:07 PM |
Yep..that's really the whole point of a closed adoption. But really you should investigate open adoptions more. Birthmoms don't come back and take their babies away. Certainly some birthmom's change their minds before it's finalized, but you'd have to give the baby back at that time anyway. Knowing or not knowning your last name isn't going to prevent a birthparent from changing their minds.
Once the paperwork is signed, and its all legal, then there is nothing that can change that...so it doesn't really matter at that point if a birthparent knows your names at that point either.
An open adoption offers so many more benefits then closed AND may reassure a birthparent even more that they've made the best decision they can..
Anyway, it can't hurt to investigate it a little more..Birthparents are not the enemy...for the most part they are scared parents facing a tough choice...there is no reason for fear them..
Best of luck!
Michelle ↑ |
| Name: nyjocool | Date: May 8th, 2007 10:34 PM |
| Our attorneys had advised us not to reveal our last name. If the situation felt right we would. In some states, its not an option and adoptive parents must submit to full disclosure. I really don't have any concerns that a birthparent will track us down and try to take the baby-that's the last thing on my mind. ↑ |
| Name: dmt | Date: May 9th, 2007 2:29 AM |
I am not really worried about it either and as far as I am concerned I would do an semi open adoption. I wouldn't mind keeping up email contact and sending them pictures. When my child is old enough if they want to meet them it would be fine with me. My husband is the one that really has the big fears of them coming back and trying to take the baby. He says anyone can take you to court if they want to. I am trying to find some way to ease his worries. Thank you two so much for your advice I really appreciate it.
Love,
Michelle ↑ |
| Name: Mom2BEE | Date: May 10th, 2007 7:30 PM |
Michelle sadly since I believe it is your family that has biological children correct] And wants only to adopt a caucasion or asian mix child]? Sadly if you want a good chance to find a birthmom your husband needs to get more comfortable with more openness as most birthmoms having the race of child and sex of child your prefer are going to almost always go with an Open adoption which can be as little contact as some semi open adoptions or she may want an occasional visit.
If you were entrusting your child to another would you not want to be reassured about that babies placement by being able to see for yourself what an wonderful choice this was? How happy your child is in the home you chose yourself] I think that is why Open adoptions have gained so much popularity as that is the Only way thru openness the birthmom can bare to part with her precious child.
Sure not all potential birthmoms want that Open of an adoption but not being open and not wanting to share information makes you that must less likely to be considered as she may feel you have something to hide. Plus Very few birthmoms actually come back to change their minds after placement. Yes some do but the odds are in your favour, She is more likely to change her mind right after birth then after placement. What are the laws of your state] and of course of her state should you find a birthmom in an state different then your own. Have you networked with your family and friends letting them know of your wish to adopt? They are your best resource to find a child. Best wishes ↑ |
| Name: dmt | Date: May 10th, 2007 10:17 PM |
Yes my family and friends know that I want to adopt. I would be okay with a semi open adoption but, I don't think my husband would go for it. I am thinking about trying project cuddle.
Thanks Love,
Michelle ↑ |
| Name: question | Date: May 10th, 2007 10:53 PM |
| I am totally against closed adoption.Too many bad things happen in closed adoptions.If I were going to give this baby up I would only place it in open adoption.Not because I would come back and change my mind,but to know that my baby was safe and loved.anyway,just the opinion of a unexpectedly preggo young mom.P.S we did think about adoption... ↑ |
| Name: AMC | Date: May 10th, 2007 11:18 PM |
ask your husband what would protect him from someone getting his bio child? I mean afterall, anyone can sue anyone, right?
He needs some education on adoption. Once those papers are final that baby is yours as though you gave birth to him/her. No one can take them away unless they are being abused. ↑ |
| Name: Mom2BEE | Date: May 12th, 2007 5:58 AM |
| Ok this ? is for Question why are you posting on an Adoption forum if your not considering adoption and not invovled in the adoption world] also if your so young why are you on this forum the adoption part for any reason? If your going to parent that if your choice. ↑ |
| Name: wonteverbackdown | Date: May 12th, 2007 3:27 PM |
dmt, as a birthmom I know that I have the right to the homestudy WITHOUT ANY BLACKED OUT SECTIONS in adoption which give me the full names of the adoptive parents. We have left the 1950's when adoption was so secretive and so pre arranged by the parents of the pregnant girl to save face.
What I dont understand is the people who want a closed adoption to "protect thier child" well that child has another set of parents that obviously loved them completely and were totally selfless to place the baby. Without that selfless person who ave totally of herself you wouldnt have a child so why hide everything from her.
With adoption a birthmom in many states has revocation time which is legal wether the adoption is opened or closed, she has a signing time, and just because she can sign 48 hrs after delivery doesnt mean she has to. Most lawyers and agencies want a woman to wait until she is totally comfortable before signing and that can take a couple of weeks,
Really I see open adoption as a blessing and closed adoption as something terrible.
Shauna ↑ |
| Name: dmt | Date: May 12th, 2007 4:25 PM |
Okay I can see where this is going I am going to end up with a bunch of people who are against closed adoptions jumping on me. The reason my husband is against open which I can kind of see his point. A girl might decide now that she wants to give the baby up for adoption and want no contact. Then 6 or 7 years down the line she might decide well I am stable now and want to be a part of the childs life. Which obviously we would be totally open and honest with our child she would know that she was adopted but, when a parent just pops up after that long it can be devastating. I know this happened to my oldest his biological father went accross the country he was running from responsiblities. He only saw my son once a year for about two days. I had been married since my child was two and he new he was his step father but, it was the only life he new and he was happy. Then when he was about 6 or7 his biological father came back and said I am back you have to see me every other weekend and you have to call me dad. My son was very uncomfortable with this at this time he was only comfortable with spending the night with grandparents. He forced him to go anyway my son use to cry and cry about having to see him. To my søn he was a stranger. Anyway it took a couple of years before my son was finally okay with having to see him. If this situation comes up again with the child we adopt If she wants to meet them I think it should be on her terms when she is ready. I know some want to be there from the beginnning but, not all do and I don't want her to just pop up and devastate the child. Right now I am just trying to figure out what would be best for the child. I do want her to know about her biological parents because I think it is bad for them not to know that to because, when they are a little older it hurts them if they don't know why. I don't know I take very seriously what is best for the child. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do to figure out exactly what that is. I think I would be okay with semi open adoption. I wouldn't mind sending the mother biological mother email all the time and pictures but, I would prefer that she didn't know where we lived or our last name. That way the child could pick when she was ready and not just have someone show up when she is not. I just want to do the best for the child and I know everyone has different opinions I just have to figure out what it is. Now my husband is worried that they could come back and say we are ready now and take the child back and break our hearts. Thanks for everyones opininions.
Love,
Michelle ↑ |
| Name: dmt | Date: May 12th, 2007 4:27 PM |
Just one more thing I think there are two pregnant teenagers commenting to this site. Just wondering if your not considering adoption how come you are on the adoption bored. Question are you the same Question that said you had a foster child? Anyway just wondering. Have a lovely day.
Love,
Michelle ↑ |
| Name: question | Date: May 12th, 2007 5:03 PM |
| actually I am the same question who was a foster parent.I am young,but bot extremely young.I am almost 25.I am not alurking teenager.I have been involved in foster/adoption world for 5 years now.Probably even more so that you Michelle.Anyhow,If you don't want me here,then why do you keep coming into duedate? ↑ |
| Name: Dreamsofchild | Date: May 12th, 2007 8:37 PM |
Michelle actually I have a close friend whom their family had not seen the childs birthmom in I think it was close to 7 years since the birth of the child she adopted. Their birthmom finally felt comfortable with telling others of the child she had not told many of the childs birth or placement fearing what people would think. She did see them and their child and it went very well. So you need to realize birthmoms that place are Not going to be Like old fashion thinking on adoption and Come Take your child but they may need to know that the child is safe and that would include knowing things like your last name etc other wise every time their is a fire and a child around her childs age gets hurt she may fear its her child etc. You need to be more comfortable with adoption in genereral both of you need to be on the same page. Maybe you should discuss this with your homestudy worker? They can usually help calm any fears. I cannot imgine the pain of placement without at least knowing whom my child is with and that would mean NO secret like now knowing the parents last names where they live etc.
Take care
Dreams ↑ |
| Name: Dreamsofchild | Date: May 12th, 2007 8:39 PM |
Question what state do you do foster care in? Have you fostered children that are older? When we started foster care I was only 26 and we fostered all ages from newborns to older teens which use to just freak out the teens birthparents. They did not like my age. they got use to it.
Dreams ↑ |
| Name: kimbertz | Date: May 12th, 2007 9:19 PM |
| First 6 or 7 years down the road no court is going to take a child away if the adoption was legal in the first place. Most states only allow 6 months for either bio parent to contest an adoption. Second just be honest from the beginning with your child like we are.. . My son is 4 and was adopted at birth and he has always known and we talk a lot about his birth mom and how much she loved him and wanted him to have a really good life and how badly we wanted him. And now thats his favorite bedtime story he always ask me to tell him how we really wanted a baby and then we got him and then my son always says yea that was your lucky day. I can just hope one of these days he will get to meet her and instead of being angry at her. I hope he will just be amazed at the person she is and just be in awe of the choice she made. She could have been selfish and just thought of herself but she put us and the baby first. She took our pain of not being being able to have a child and made it her pain of giving up her child. How loving is that............................... ↑ |
| Name: mommyinwaiting | Date: May 12th, 2007 11:20 PM |
Hi dmt, our first adoption was a closed private independant adoption. We have had our son for 2 years, for our state California, there is a 30 day waiting period after the birth mom signs the placement agreement. Then she can not change her mind. We have not had any troubles nor contact from this birthmom, she just wanted to get back on with her life. Our 2nd adoption (6 weeks ago) we met the birthmom after she delivered in the hospital. I think that it helped for her to be able to see who she was placing her baby with, she desires no further contact nor pictures. She too wanted to get back to her normal life as soon as possible. HOWEVER, in her case, a possible birthfather has come forward & we are doing DNA to rule him out as the father. If he is, we will cross that bridge when we get there.
For both adoptions, we were available for open, semi-open & closed.
Good luck to you, Tina ↑ |
| Name: question | Date: May 13th, 2007 7:58 PM |
| Hi Dreams,I am from the mid west.Yes,well, the oldest child I have fostered was 5 1/2 when he came and 7 when he left.He lived with me for 19 months.Ihe had 18 different dx ranging from reactive attachment disorder to fas,and cp.I prefer to work with medically,emotionally and physically disabled childeren,so I pretty much stick to younger children.I also prefer to work with private foster care.I brought home a baby girl (8 days old) and was only 4 years older than the birth mom and dad.My age never bothered them,so I don't really think age is always a factor ,esp not when they see what a good job you are doing.- ↑ |
| Name: dmt | Date: May 14th, 2007 10:03 PM |
Thank you everyone for your thoughts
Love,
Michelle ↑ |
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