When I was 17, I had and gave up a baby girl. I wasn't ready to be a mother to her and I knew it. I told myself that I wanted to do this and that and made my plans for the rest of my life and used those as my reasons not to keep her. Now I am 36 and she just turned 18. I have thought about her almost everyday. Not sad thoughts, not mourning the baby I had to give away, just everyday thoughts...I wonder what she looks like, I wonder if she acts like me, thinks like me, what she does with her days...ect. I also think about meeting her one day. Her adoptive parents have all of my information and my parent’s phone # which hasn't changed. They asked me to write a letter to her so that they could give it to her to help explain things when she started asking questions. I told her about myself, my reasons, that I loved her, and that I would want to meet her someday.
She turned 18 a few days ago and I am thinking about all of the plans and reasons I gave for giving her up. Some of them achieved, most not. Things don't always go as you plan. I do have a decent life, I'm married and I have 2 kids now a 2 1/2 y/o and 1y/o. We struggle but all in all we are okay. But I think of the reasons and goals I had that I used as reasons to give her up. I think about how that same letter would read if I wrote it today. I wouldn't change my decision because it was the right one for me no matter the reasons. But I will re-write it everyday until I see her again. Will she hold my failures against me? I know that the 17 year old me would and does. ↓
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