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Hi All:
I am a stepmom to a 12 year old girl who does not respect her father and who ignores me. Her dad does not know how to say No to her. Part of the problem is that when she was 3 she had kidney cancer, so naturally, her parents spoiled her because they did not know how long they would have her in their lives. In my opinion, this has not served the child well. Her older brother (19) dropped out of school and has been in several involvements with the law and jail. Last year, her and a friend were caught at a dance with alcohol, so I see her heading in the same direction as her older brother. Her mother is of very low character (adultry, alcoholic, habitual liar) and is not a good role model, even though my stepdaughter thinks she is the best. My question is: How am I going to survive this? I obviously need to adopt a new kind of thinking, because I will have to be the one to change if this relationship is going to work. When she is at our house, I feel invisible, like I don't count for anything. I have tried to make changes like Rules of Respect and an Allowance Chore List (to promote responsibility) but the first night this was supposed to take effect, my husband did her chore, the dishes, because "he dirtied the dishes, too". I am so angry right now because even though he knows we have to get her headed in the right direction, he refuses to do any of the work. He is afraid that she will be mad at him. Last week, she tore up a love poem he had written her years ago, because she couldn't go to the movies because her room wasn't cleaned, as was the deal. Then this week, she called to ask if she had to come to our house for the week, which broke my husband's heart and of course is promoting all kinds of Yes's to keep her happy this week. Are all adolescents of divorced families so manipulative? ? |
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I am not in nor do I envy your position. I can in a way understand her parents catering to her due to the illness she had but now that that is long in the past,they certainly need to set rules,limits,and boundaries for her or else they are raising nothing short of a monster. This girl knows she has both parents wrapped around her little finger and is definitely using their feelings for her and her past illness to her own selfish advantage. However,if her parents won't stand up to her and lay down the law then there really isn't anything you can do about it short of fleeing from the situation altogether yourself which that is only a decision you and you alone can make. Sorry I can't be of any more help.
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Lizzi: Thanks for lending an ear and a voice. It is a breath of fresh air to know someone empathizes with me instead of telling me that maybe I am the one who is wrong in my way of thinking of how to raise a child. And you are right about my choices. I just can't bring myself to flee. I love my husband and we have a great relationship in every other way. I pray we can work through this.
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I know exactly how you feel. Even though my stepdaughter has never been ill, she is very spoiled. I have tried to implement chores, etc. and she will not conform and rarely does my husband back me up. Her real mother does not make her do any chores, and I just don';t know what to do without becoming the '"wicked step mother"....
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try putting her over your knee and spanking her then take away things she likes I know spanking work because that what my dad does to me when I don't respect him im 14yr old
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My younger sister was goin' through the same thing. Our parents got divorced when i was 22 and my sis was 9. My dad re-married just 4 months later.We are very close and she would tell me that she felt like SHE was beeing ignored, or picked on by our step-mom and my step-mom would say the sam thing. Maybe it's a miscommunication? But my sister is older now and they get along great.
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I would have to say that this kind of behavior is typical of a kid who has always gotten her way. That in no way excuses it. You need to sit down with your husband and work out a parenting plan. As the step-mother, you have to deal with this horrible behavior. You have to step up and be the bad guy, and your husband needs to learn that he needs to back you up. As parents, you have to show a united front. If that doesn't work, then you can't be afraid to be the wicked stepparent, and if her biological parents take issue, then you can sit them down and tell them that at least someone is caring enough to lay down some rules. And yeah, it sounds like she does need a spanking, although I would not recommend it, since this behavior in reality is not her fault, but the fault of some HORRIBLE parenting skills. But she should be grounded as well as anything else that might work. Above all, be FIRM! Don't give in. She needs structure, whether or not she realizes it. Good luck. My thoughts are with you. I know this will not be easy.
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Hi there ... I have a 15 year old step daughter... I hear ya!! My husband has been a single parent - and a wonderful one at that, for the last 7 years. His wife left him with their 2 children. She is back in their lives now and recently we had to move our 15 year old to live with her mom to try to start over. She just completely changed in the last year and half and has no respect for herself or anyone else. Went from A and B student to smoking pot everyday and experimenting with other drugs and skipping enough school to be kicked out... such a sad thing for such a smart beautiful girl. It has broken my husbands heart to have so send her away but there was just nothing left to try... we have my 11 year old stepson and our 3 month old daughter as well and it got to the point where nobody wanted to be in the house anymore when she was around...
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Hi Kimmie85, I can relate to your story 100%. I have a wonderful husband in all areas but dealing with issues that come up with his daughter. I have a 17 year old daughter and his daughter is about to be 15 in a month. We faught for custody to get his daughter from her mom because she was never around, her partner was raising her and not so well I may ad. We won, I thought.Megan was told all kinds of horible things by her mom and her partner.That was when she was 10 now she is the most manipulative , deceiving Lier I have ever met. Her mom onlyn comes into the pic when it is conveniant for her. My husband would let her get away with murder and so I had no choice but to step up to the plate and be the one to discipline her, that is not fare, even thouhgt It still didn't happen but maybe 1 week out of her life and couple of time sent to her room. She is now grounded for3 weeks because she was caught lying and sneakung around with a boy that is not so good for her, verry disrespectful to he. What doesn't help is her tells her on the phone that she shouldn't be grounded and she wouldn't have done that to her. T o her grounding is just a bandade. Her mom althought has been in Megans life very little thinks she knows what is going on by what her daughter tells her and she hasn't got a clue. There for it is nothing but sabatage. Megan will come us and say to her dads face my mom says it is stupid that you are grounded for that. All the while we have just found out she is having sex, sneaking out of the hous drinking and her grades went from b's to f's all of them in 1 6 weeks.for 10 years I have watched her dad and mom do nothing now me and my daughter have to live with the consiquences and I cant anymore. Dad says after all these years that he has to do something now but I almost think it is to late. Megan is si sisrespectful, to her dad no matter how good he is to her. He has given her about everything she wanted and was alwys there for , help her with her home work etc, only to find out from her mom that calls him a FAG when she to see her. He is so hurt and angry and I never thought that would see the I would want to leave. This is so hurtful I feel she has caused all the pain in our family, She has been the only one my husband I ever had a fight about in 10 nerver anyother subject. We are best friends ans so close but I cant take it anymore.
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My stepdaughter is! She is a miserable brat! Her dad also doesn't want to discipline her and if I tell him she is rude to me he says he doesn't think she would do that! He is constantly believing her and telling me to change. Other than her we have a great relationship. I just am ready to work the days she is here because it ruins our whole day. She sat in her room for 4 hours when he went to work instead of apologizing to me for being mean.
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I am a stepmom too and it can suck at times. Men of divorce don't want to put rules in place because children are almost always devoted to there mothers. No matter what they do or have done in front of them. If there mother has showed them how to only love the man of the house conditionally so will the children. It is a disfunction from the marriage. You on the other hand are sane and know that kids need order and tough love. Once you get him on the same page he may realize the monster they created. You have to put tough love into it and let the kid fall on there face while they are still young enough to recover. It isn't a wonder why this world sucks so much. The are more kids of divorce raising themselves so parents can make end meet and date like a teenager. Our world is in trouble if these parents don't stop and think about there kids well being. Would there parents tolorate this behavior out of them. Ask him that.
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Hey James...You might get it when you get to your third wife. The attitude you have is going to get you there and I am sure it will be with a few kids that act just like you.
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As long as she knows her father is under her thumb your stand will be in vain and becoem a build up of resentment and then some. It MUST be your huband and your committed decision together to stay consistant. Your husband is trying to be her friend other than her father. That is the problem.
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Why is everyone tiptoeing around these kids? Who cares if they like you or not? If she doesn't like you or respect you, she can piss off and quit wasting your time and money. You married her father, she's just an appendage. And if your tolerance is being tested, you have every right to speak up. Where are the husbands in this? what kind of man allows some brat to abuse his wife? Why aren't you furios that you allow some unwanted brat into your house, waste your time and money and get treated poorly? You have very right to be livid! I just dont understand why these kids are allowed to act like monsters and the step mothers are supposed to love them, forgive them, and feel guilty for marrying the dad.
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You need to put her in a room lock the door and paddle her white ass until you think she has lerned her lesson.
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It has been my experience that until you can get your husband on the same page that you are on nothing will change. I have been a step mom for 10 years now. My step daughter is 12 and it sounds as though we are going through some of the same things. I finally put my foot down and told my husband and my step daughter that I would not be doing nice things for her until she started showing some respect for me (ex: buying clothes, taking her to the movies, washing her clothes, planning birthday parties, etc...) My husband and I have two other children but allie (my step daughter) is an only child at her mom's house and has no responsibilities there. She has started coming around but it has been a long even tearful road at times.
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I have daughter who is 14,My wife her stepmom and my daughter are at eachothers throat all the time. I am in the middle! I have to leave most times as they say they are just talking! I can't handel their talking as they call it. They want eachother to have respect ,but they both don't respect each other. To one it's the others falt and vise versa
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