This is so funny I had actually clipped this out of a baby talk magazine last year for a friend of mine who had a baby and I just came accross it again this morning when I was cleaning out my desk drawers.
How to Prepare for Nursing
Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel" If you really want to feel readyto breastfeed, heres what you do....
Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day2: At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I feel pretty".
Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacum cleaner on your breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6: Obtain " DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say" get used to it."
Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest resturaunt you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over your nipple.
Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming "just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1am, 3am, and 5am.
Day 10: Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed , and stand very still in your backyard.
Day 11: Go someplace public-a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building-and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arms to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign a nonchalant smile.
Day 12: Suckle a wolverine.
Congratulations!!! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe. ↓
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