|
My Fiance and I fell in love and left our marriages for each other. I have 2 boys 9 and 12 and he has one 7. we have been together for almost 4 years now. My ex- husband passed away last February , we bought a house together and had a baby girl in June. He is very committed to his son and goes to see him 2 times a week and he comes to our house every other weekend. He has to speak with his son every morning and every evening. All the children get along wonderful he is a very good kid. But my problem is with his relationship with his son it litterally gets under my skin. I feel that he puts way to much effort into seeing his son, I feel second and now with our daughter I want him to see his son once a week and that is not even an option. I told him that he can't be fully committed to 2 families. When his son is here i feel like the outsider. His son won't ask me for anything when his father is around. he even whispers to him in front of me for a simple glass of water. He still feels that it is his dad and just the 2 of them. I have grown to resent the relationship that when he does come i just want to run and hide. I have tried so hard to get rid of these feelings but i just can't. so much to the point where i suggested we go our seperate ways. some one please help! ↓
|
|
| Name: Lory | Date: Feb 21st, 2007 4:26 AM |
Hi...I'm sorry for your loss!! Your feelings at this point are normal (ok) !! Believe it or not, he (in my experience) he feels he can be committed to 2 families. Although, soon he will get worn from it!! That does not mean he will put anyone aside b/c of it!!
I have many days felt like the outsider...along w/our daughter feeling this way also!! I remember a time when my step-daughter would go behind my back?? so to speak for a lil candy!! I would have given it to her within reason...no doubt!! My hubby would travel all over town to see his babes for visitation! She would do no travel time!!! Talk about a pain in the hindparts!! (the x would do it on purpose) Honestly at one point I resented relationships my hubby had w/ his children also!! But...having our own child together made me realize over time....that children need both of their bio parents!! (unless ofcourse it is damaging to the child for one certain parent to be involved) It takes one parent to love children of divorce unconditionally!! If your hubby is a good guy, and you think he truly is trying to do his best for allll involved...give it a chance!! Really....I as I statedI had your feelings too!! I've been w/my hubby since his oldest was 8yo!! She is now 21!! Time will heal for the most part!! Talk to him...kindly let him know!!
Best Wishes to you & I hope things work out for you!! I am here if you need to talk in the future!! ↑ |
| Name: Lory | Date: Feb 21st, 2007 4:29 AM |
| *when I said it takes "one parent" unconditionaly....sorry! It takes as many whom are willing to love & support the children as possible!!! I get to typing and it comes out quick!! lol ↑ |
| Name: leemun | Date: Feb 21st, 2007 1:37 PM |
| Hi Lory, thank you so much for your words i really started to think their was something wrong with the way i am feeling......that i was the only one. I just don't know how to get past this jealousness or resentment. . it's very hard and I hate feeling like this . But you did give me an idea to ask the ex if she would meet him one of those week nights so that they could come home and have dinner here rather than 2 nights a week at chuckie cheese. She is a very good ex. believe it or not. but first i have try a fix our relationship He thinks i don't like his son and thats not the case. it's the relationship i get up set over. i want him to love only me and thats selfish of me. ↑ |
| Name: Lory | Date: Feb 21st, 2007 2:27 PM |
Your very welcome! As far as his son thinking/feeling it's still just the 2 of them...that is normal too! I admit it is hard on all involved to make a "blended" family work! It takes sacrifice from the parents & step-parents!! Maybe you should (sorry to say this) seek counseling for the both of you! Or possibly just yourself. Please do not take offense to this...it is truly not meant that way! Have you tried talking about this to your fiance?
And...I'm glad to hear your not dealing w/the x from he**! That can make things so much worse in these situations!!! That is a plus for all of you!! Good Luck to you!! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Feb 21st, 2007 3:59 PM |
| Hi leemun! You are in a difficult position for sure but be careful because if your husband ever felt forced to choose between you and his son,then make no mistake in the end you would be all alone! I think you need to put fourth some effort to get to know your stepson one on one. You need to show him you like him and you can be a fun person to be around and show him that he doesn't need to feel afraid of you or awkward around you. You wanting your husband to see his son less is NOT the way to go!!! Instead you need to talk to your husband and about ways to fix things between you and his son. You need to treat this boy like you do your own. You need to make him feel welcome in your home and loved! He can probably since your "jealousy" and therefore puts his own gaurd up. The boy is just 7 so the sooner you start trying the sooner things can get better. ↑ |
| Name: maryjane4175 | Date: Feb 21st, 2007 4:45 PM |
leemun,
I understand how you feel 100%. It is so much harder being the step-mom. I think you need to explain to your hubby how you feel and ask him if he can help you build a better relationship with his son. Your relationship with the child is extremly important. I think this is the only way that this will work.
My husband is sometimes jealous of my relationship with his kids.
NO, you are not a horrible person!!!! This would make anyone feel the way you are feeling, but remeber the saying, "if you can't bet them join them", this means go over-board on trying to better your relationship with the child, before you know it you will be the child's best friend.
Be their for him when he hurts himself, or is upset. Find something fun for you and him to do when he is bored, like a board game, or painting pictures. Find the childs interest, then involve yourself in those interest then teach him new interest, like teaching him new card game. Joke around with him. Play with him. Let him help you cook and clean. I know this is going to sound mean but invalve yourself so much in this child that it will make you hubby feel the way you do now. Then when he says something to you about it ask him how it fells then by that time your step-son would have losened up around you, and you can step back and alow him and your hubby to have father son time every now and then. ↑ |
| Name: maryjane4175 | Date: Feb 21st, 2007 5:09 PM |
leemun,
I did exactly what I told you to do with your step-son, with my step-kids, and now they are becoming teens and they come to me and talk to me about everything that they refuse to talk to their father about or even their mother. This makes me feel special. I love it. Yes I still have my problems with them but it is so much better than when it first started out. Trust me, try it you will see a possitive change in everything, because once this takes it's effects everything will start falling into place. ↑ |
| Name: Lory | Date: Feb 21st, 2007 5:17 PM |
| Great advice mj4175!! And...very true about falling into place eventually. Kudos to you!!! ↑ |
| Name: maryjane4175 | Date: Feb 21st, 2007 5:43 PM |
| I can't beleive I actully had an answer for one of these problems. I just know if you try this it will work!!!!! ↑ |
| Name: maryjane4175 | Date: Feb 21st, 2007 6:18 PM |
| Name: leemun | Date: Feb 21st, 2007 11:51 PM |
| thank you all, you have been a big help. I know i have to start working on my relationship with my step -son and im sure you are all right once i build that relationship other everything else will fall into place and these horrible feelings i have will fade away. He already agreed to ask the ex if she will meet him half way so that they could come back home for a few hours...............thank you again. ↑ |
| Name: little miss muffet | Date: Feb 23rd, 2007 5:52 PM |
| Yeah really nasty i didnt even bother to read your post!Lol ↑ |
| Name: Lory | Date: Feb 23rd, 2007 10:29 PM |
| Why bother to reply if you didn't take the time to read this post???!!! ↑ |
|
|
