I am at the end of my tether with my stepson. Ive been married to his dad since he was 1. He's now 11. My husband and I have 3 children together and I also have 2 children from a previous relationship (who rarely see their father) and we are expecting another baby. Things have been difficult from the beginning. I was the evil stepmother and his bio mother made things as awkward as possible from the start. She would find any reason why his dad couldnt have him as arranged at the weekend. She would complain regularly (for example, She got her new husband to phone and complain that his pants were slightly soiled when she got him home. He had been potty trained just 2 weeks! Another time she complained that his trousers and hands were dirty when she collected him, despite the fact that she was over 2 hours late and he'd been allowed to play in the garden while waiting) Anyway, the list is endless and it didnt help that the man she married was very violent and abusive. My stepson developed a lot of bad habits and began swearing (as a toddler) answering back, refusing to do anything i asked, bullying my other younger children etc. I got the usual " I don't have to do what you say, you're not my mom. My moms going to beat you up." Husband refused to discipline him because he "didn't want him upset" during his time here. As you can imagine, the pattern continued over the years. There was no support from my husband, infact, during stepsons usual tirade of defiance towards any requests I made of him (no, why should I? Why don't you? You can't tell me what to do!) husband had been known to stick his fingers in his ears and leave the room. Every weekend became a battle from the minute he walked through the door. Biomom would refer to my as "the troll" despite the fact that I was his main carer while his dad was at work. Biomom eventually left her new husband as it was revealled he had been raping and beating her (even while she was pregnant with his child) and went into a refuge. Although we'd rarely met, (incase it upset her) I became involved and helped her move out of her flat, stored all her furniture in my only living room, and helped her find and decorate a new rented house. I took her shopping, had her round for takeaways, and infact got on really well with her. Although her selfish attitude and thoughtlessness never changed I realised that she was actually really stupid and had no idea how offensive she was to people. I decided I could tolerate this to keep the peace. I had been travelling an hour each morning to collect stepson from the hostel every morning to take him to school and back, and he gradually spent more and more time with us During which all responsibility fell on me as dad worked most days. Stepson became very unsettled with the fact that me and his mom were getting along as he could no longer tell her lies about me, and could no longer be his usual disrespectful self towards me in front of her. His attention seeking became very intense and he would regularly turn on the waterworks whenever he thought it would work. He was violent towards the other children and began telling even bigger lies to people. I think he even convince dhimself that he was tellilng the ruth. The best was when he couldnt stand when I put my foot down and told him off after he hurt his younger brother. He went back to his moms for a few days before finally convincing her and everybody else that i had belted him and he had come flying off his chair and landed on the floor! She phoned my husband to complain saying that she believed what he said (despite The fact that he had told everybody lots of stories about her new husband doing things to him that she insisted were lies) We had a huge argument and I kicked her out of my house. Things were very strained after that but i still tried to keep the peace, even when she tried to move the abusive husband she had fled from into her new home and got pregnant by him again. Things settled down and stepson started doing ok at school and spent a lot of time at our house. Again it was me who picked him up and took him to school,cooked his dinner, bought his clothes, took him swimming and volunteered at his youth club, bought his favourite food etc. Biomom continued to be a selfish cow and would give him countles days off school for no reason and arrange when we did and didnt have him according to what she wanted to do that week. Stepson moved to senior school recently and Biomom also moved house to be closer to her parents. His behaviour started to change again after this and he became defiant towards me whenever he could. Despite the fact that i was doing everything for him, if I asked him to do anything whatsoever, he would pretend he hadnt heard, or quickly leave the room and act dumb (not hard) The usual "Why should I?" started again, so did dads voluntary deafness. The final straw came this weekend. He had spent 3 days playing computer games, without so much as leaving his chair for a drink without being forced to. On Sunday night he was told to get his school stuff ready for the next morning. Come the next morning, he cant find his blazer. I always remind him to hang it up, but he says he folded it and put it in the wardrobe with the sheets (as you do) but now it was gone. He searched for a whole hour and made everybody late for school. In the end he had to go without it and I told him he must come back to our house after school and find it because he wasnt due back herefor 2 weeks and I know we would have got a phone call the next morning off biomom telling (not asking, note) us to find it and bring it to his house (a 20 min drive away) As I drove to school I asked if he understood that he had to come back to our house and find it because he had to start being more responsible. He didn't like being told what to do so he sat pulling a face and refusing to answer so I pulled the car over, turned and looked at him and asked very slowly if he understood that I would be waiting for him after school and that if he went back to his moms and left me waitng and looking for him there would be big trouble. He looked at me and said "yes, ok. Whatever" As you can probably imagine, I am regularly left waiting at the school gates when he is due to come to ours because his incosiderate mother has given him another day off school for no reason and forgotten to let us know. I know exactly how defiant and manipulating this child can be so I reminded him again as he climbed out of the car "Don't dare even think about going straight to your moms because you will be in big trouble. I will be waiting for you"
Anyway, can you guess what he did? He told my daughter (at the same school) that he was going to go back to his moms anyway and he didnt care what I said. He said he would just ignore me! I'd already spoken to his mom and explained and she'd told him he must come back here and find his blazer. But just to undermine me he went back to his mom's and left me waiting outside school for an hour thinking he had detention. When I found out he' d gone back, I was sooooo mad. Husband is actually angry at him (a small miracle) and told him he must come back here after school today (Tuesday) and face the music. Surprisingly she's given him today off school too without telling us. His actions really are the final straw. Ive been doing everything for him that I do for my own kids for the last 10 years and have had nothing but abuse and critisism. From now on I'm washing my hands of him. He can still come here and see his Dad but, when his Dad has to work, stepson goes home to Biomom. I'm no longer going to buy him clothes, or school stuff or presents. I'm not picking him up from school or taking him places or picking up things hes forgotten from his moms. I refuse to be responsible for him when my husband isnt here anymore. It feels harsh but I don't know how else to deal with his defiance and disrespect. Hes had everything hes wanted from me yet refused to give anything I ask in return. He is hardly ever asked to do anything because it just isnt worth the battle. (If I do ask him to do a job, his Dad jumps straight in to defend him and usually ends up doing it for him or makes somebody else do it) Ive told my decision to Biomom and Dad but nobody is taking me seriously. His mom will probably buy him a new blazer to save him the trauma of coming back here or give him the rest of his life of school. Either way, from now on its not my problem. ↓
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| Name: wow | Date: Jan 24th, 2006 9:29 PM |
| I can't even imagine, having a child that disrespectful ! you are a brave woman to have put up with his behavior for as long as you have....his father needs to open his eyes and realize the strain that his son is putting on you an dthe other children in the house...a little tough love is exactley what your step son is in need of... does his mother not realize that she is creating a monster? he will probablygrow and expect his parents to still wait on him hand and foot, he could grow up and a lazy bum. ↑ |
| Name: tb | Date: Jan 25th, 2006 12:13 PM |
| It sounds to me that your husband is not acting anymore mature than the 11 year old. I know it's hard but if you want to stay married then sometimes you have to grin and bare it. I'm definetly not saying you have to sit back and take it ecspecialy from an 11 year old. He's found away to push your buttons and by getting mad it just makes him think it worked. Try acting like you don't care ,shower him with kindness that will really throw him for a loop. What i'm trying to say is act the opposite as you were and he will wonder what's going on and see he can't get to you anymore. It will be hard but right now he is running your life and that needs to change. I'm not sure why he is so deffiant because he's pretty much been around you his hole life but sometimes that's the way kids are. I'm sure his mom doesn't help matters any and I'm sorry for that but she will be the one to regret it later. Keep your head up high and don't let him see it bothers you or it will never get better. Good luck!! ↑ |
| Name: susi | Date: Jan 30th, 2006 12:29 PM |
| I was right. Biomom gave him the rest of the week off school, then went out and bought him a new blazer! Speechless isn't the word... ↑ |
| Name: Nikki | Date: Jan 30th, 2006 2:58 PM |
Wow - it seems that if Stepson takes his cues from Biomom and Husband, he will continue this behavior for the rest of his life!
I'd certainly be at the end of my rope too. The only advice that I feel I can offer; is to at least make it clear to Stepson that you are no longer going out of your for him because of HIS behavior. If you let him know that he has forced this option upon you and that you would rather be on friendlier tones, he should be much more willing to 'reconcile' with you should he ever realize the selfishness of his actions.
I would think -from a child's point of view - that if you freeze up and do not provide an explanation for it, that he may assume 'She hates me' and might not seek forgiveness.
I think you are completely justified in taking a stand.
You seem to be the only 'real' adult in this child's life! ↑ |
| Name: I hear you! | Date: Feb 11th, 2006 3:53 PM |
I'm a step mom too, and boy! I'd ship him off to live with his mom for good. Doesn't sound like Dad is involved anyway - he's left the onus on you to deal with his off-spring and that is not sharing the responsiblity... You've got your own kids to worry about. focus on them!!
I don't have kids of my own or with my husband but I can tell you, my Pussycat is treated like a princess and she certainly shows her appreciation! Good luck! ↑ |
| Name: Chris | Date: Mar 26th, 2006 11:40 PM |
| I completely understand where you are coming from, our situations can't be more similar. I have 5 years under my belt and just recently did the same. Told his biodad to get his ******** head out of his A$$. My back doesn't bend anymore. Ain't my kid, ain't my problem. ↑ |
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