Hi I'm 31 years old and have been with my husband for 11 years. We have a 3 year old autistic child and another one on the way due in March. My husband can not handle my sons disability so he avoid us at all costs leaving me to deal with absolutely everything alone. He's acting like a kid and getting back into old hobbies which don't involve his family.
I could go on forever but my question is how do I get out of this marriage? I don't have any access to funds, no car, and no job. We've talked about divorce and my husband says he'll make it really messy for me. He won't be able to support himself if he has to pay child support and he thinks I'm being selfish.
I'm only allowed out 1 day a week for 3 hours. I have to ask permission to drive our car and have a specific destination that has to be preapproved by him in order to go out. I'm not allowed to put my son in daycare, and if I want to work it has to be 3rd shift. I'm 6 months pregnant and too tired to keep fighting.
Before you all think I'm this weak woman who chooses to be controlled I have fought for the past 3 years for my freedom. I've tried putting my son in daycare and holding a job but my husband will keep me up late the night before fighting, or turn off the alarm clock while I'm sleeping. If I try to take the car he'll hop in and say "where we going" so if I want to leave he tags along and makes things miserable. He just exhausts me to no end. I just want a normal life agian. ↓
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| Name: mad & lonely | Date: Jan 8th, 2006 6:46 PM |
hi Melinda, ur husband sounds like a psychopath, worse than arabs(mine is), i don't understand how can people love to control other people like this. I don't think u r weak, i am in a situation similar to urs, my hubby is totally useless, but i get controlled for who i meet, he wants me to work so i help him, but he wont divorce me, and when i talk about it i just get beaten up, i was until now financially dependant on him but i just started working, and gonna leave soon. I know how hard it is when u have no money to leave, u cant even get to the court to file for a divorce or to police station to complain(my case). My advice: trick him, get him relaxed, make him think u gave up and in the meanwhile plan ur leave( i've been doing this for 6 months now), "please" him, i know it might be hard at times, but on this depends ur future. So "stop fighting". If u have family, friends or social services use whatever can be used. U r mature and probably have more patience, not like me. After i ended up using sleeping pills and anti anxiety drugs i realised i guess that if i stay i'll go crazy. Good luck to u.
btw. we can chat n tell each other about whats happening. ↑ |
| Name: Melinda | Date: Jan 9th, 2006 6:17 AM |
| Hi mad & lonely, my husband doesn't beat me up. I try and get him to so I can call the police but he's smarter then that. I do have problems staying calm with him verbally. He knows all the right buttons to push so to speak. He always tells me I'm crazy and no one will ever believe anything I say. He also says he'll have my son taken away because I'm such a bad mother. I'm not but he tries to make me think I am. He thinks we should stay married and he should be able to sleep with other women. I tell him he can, I don't care, but he wants to share the details with me because I'm his best friend. SICK! In some bizzare way it's comforting to know I'm not alone. I hope you can get okay before something really bad happens. Stay strong. I know I have absolutely no interest in being in a another relationship for a looooooong time once I'm able to leave. Thanks for responding. ↑ |
| Name: mad & lonely | Date: Jan 9th, 2006 7:17 PM |
hi Melinda u know i really think ur husband is a psychopath, he acts weird, like discussing the details of 'his' sexual life is not normal, and accusing u of being crazy when u r not is phsychological torture, and accusing u of being a bad mother is a sin. He's just blackmailing u, and by law its illegal in a way u know. Try to record him, when he wants to discuss the details of his sex with other women, when he tells u no one will believe, try to make him angry and say more, and then take the tape to the court, make sure to make copies. I'm planning on that cuz my husband will deny everything in the court and they will ask for witnesses or other proof, and i know everyone is afraid of him so no one will. U r a human being u know, and u have the right to make ur own choices, him controlling u is sick.
My husband thinks that leaving the house and staying out till 6 am everyday is just normal and he's not doing anything wrong, he constantly makes relationships and when i catch him he denies everything and it makes me wanna explode. He thinks we should stay married, he swears everyday that he loves me, but when i say i want to get divorced i get beaten up and threatened, first it was threat of taking the kids away from ( but he can't do it in no way, cuz in this country the kids always stay with the mom, and even if she gets married and there's other female family memeber like my mother or sister able to take care of the kids they stay in their custody) and then it become the threats to kill me, and i know that if gets really mad he can. He drinks heavily and it affects him even more, he become intolerable these days.
So poor us, but u know we should stay strong and we will get out of this. Its just a matter of little time.
P.S. try to find out as much as u can about ur rights in ur area(cuz we have different laws here) from the internet or call up a help line if u have one.
And one more questions do u have a family or friends who can help?? ↑ |
| Name: Amy | Date: Jan 10th, 2006 8:57 PM |
| How do you leave? You leave - I prefer the front door... There are places you can go... ↑ |
| Name: To Amy | Date: Jan 11th, 2006 5:09 PM |
| Oh yah its just that easy right? Give me a break. I am in a realtionship thats very mentally abusive and we have 3 children together. i dont work, I stay at home and always have. I have no idea how to provide for me and my kids if I leave. I dont want to be another welfare statistic. Just leave, thats so easy for you to say. Have you ever been in this position before? ↑ |
| Name: tb | Date: Jan 11th, 2006 6:11 PM |
| Melinda, Don't get so upset it's not worth apparently she doesn't know what your going through. It's not easy to just pick up and leave especially when there are kids involved and you petrified of your husband. Just remember ther's always light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there and be strong. ↑ |
| Name: seperatedmom | Date: Jan 13th, 2006 6:06 AM |
| You have a hard case to handle, but you have to latch on to what friends or family support you have. Let them give you strength and help you to derrive a plan to leave. You are only under his control if you isolate yourself and refuse to let those who love you help. Working an entry level job with training potential and collecting welfare while you need it is nothing to be ashamed of. Have faith in yourself and your ability to learn to make a career for yourself. I am on my own with 4 kids, and I'm only an LVN.........not really big bucks, but with child support, I make it. You can do it too. ↑ |
| Name: wo | Date: Jan 14th, 2006 12:36 AM |
| YOU are the only one holding YOU back from getting out. I think you know exactly what you need to do and where to go. There's nothing he can do to keep you away from your children legally. Get help and run far. Be knowledgeable and ready at all times. He sounds like the type to come looking for you. I'm sure you have an hour during the day he's at work. Take that hour and get out to a shelter who can help you get the help you need to get far, far away-legally. ↑ |
| Name: Mrmom_Kenny | Date: Jan 14th, 2006 3:33 AM |
| I started reading and had to go take my blood pressure medician so I could finish reading. First thing I have to say is GET OUT SOON cause your men are really SICK, what ya'll have wrote is really disturbing. I can't stand for a man that abuses the people that they claim to love, when they just want to be controlling to make them fell superior.( being a jackass) never get you anywhere in life but an early death. Now to get the matter at hand. Melinda your husband running from his child really has PISSED me off, the child didn't ask to be this way, and it may be his genes that has caused the disability. My son has a mental disability(due to his mothers drug use) and he has to attend a facility in another city (5 hrs. away ) and I make an attempt to go atleast 1 to 2 times a month. My children are more important to me than anything or anyonelse that is in my life. My job even knows that my kids come first, and they have never denide me that right. GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS ↑ |
| Name: Melinda | Date: Jan 18th, 2006 3:50 AM |
| I"m NOT the one who replied to Amy's comment about going out the front door nor am I affended by it. The only reason I have not left or gone to a shelter is because my son is severely autistic. He has extreme difficulty with change. We have lots of therapists coming to the house each day to work with him. I have very little time to myself. My family can't handle my son so living with them is not an option. I can't be jumping around from house to house and messing up my sons routine. As for friends I have none. I don't get out much to meet people. My life is spent working with my child otherwise I'd be able to put my son in daycare and have a job. It's hard when you have a difficult child with complicated sensory issues. He's extremely hard to handle. That is why my husband is never around. I on the other hand have no choice but to figure out how to work with him. I don't have the priviledge of pushing him off on anyone else nor do I choose to. ↑ |
| Name: seperatedmom | Date: Jan 18th, 2006 6:53 AM |
| Having your family help you with things sure seems like a better choice than living in your current situation, even if they do have a hard time dealing with his special needs. If you are still not comfortable reaching out to them, i think you will find that shelters are much more capable and willing to help people who have special needs children. Even though your son will have difficulties in a new place, you will still be able to get therapy for him wherever you go. It may improve his behavior too if he is out of the stressful living situation. He may be special, but he can sense when you are stressed and unhappy, and this only makes his behaviors worse. Get out through any avenue possible. It can only lead to better things. ↑ |
| Name: KATHELINE BAEZ | Date: Jan 29th, 2006 9:06 PM |
| I SAY GO TO YOUR MOMS HOUSE WHEN HE'S WORKING AND TAKE YOUR SON WITH YOU.DON'T LET NO MEN CONORL YOUR LIFE.......... ↑ |
| Name: dave | Date: Jan 31st, 2006 1:41 AM |
DearLeah,Iwould love to meet you. or atleast getb to know you by email and Phone\
614-527-5642 ↑ |
| Name: Agnes | Date: Feb 5th, 2006 3:01 AM |
| One day, while your husband is at work, call your local shelter for battered women (even if he isn't beating you, you can go there), and tell them that you are being "trapped" in your own home and need a ride to the shelter. People will help you from there. Choose a time when he'll be gone for a long period of time, like work, so you'll have time to make arrangements and get out long before he arrives home. He can threaten to make things messy, but from what you've said, there's honestly not much he can do to follow through with that threat. People at the shelter can even get you legal help for the divorce papers, etc. They can also help you get set up with housing, food, and money, especially since your son is autistic and you are pregnant. I hope this helps. I am speaking from the experience of someone very close to you and I know what I've told you here is workable. ↑ |
| Name: Agnes | Date: Feb 5th, 2006 3:09 AM |
| I also want to reply to Amy. If you don't want to be a welfare statistic, I would suggest this to you...plan to go to college instead. There are loan programs for single moms going to college that will provide you with enough cash to get through until you get finished and get a good job, then you can slowly pay the loans back. Go online and fill out an application for financial aid through FASFA. There are always alternatives out there, you just have to ask a lot of people to get to them! ↑ |
| Name: Jessica | Date: Feb 10th, 2006 3:37 PM |
| I'm so sorry for you! Has he always been like this? I think that after you have your baby you should try to get a job, once you are on your feet get out, please, it's not healthy for you or your children. Do you have anybody you could stay with where he couldn't fine you (a friend or your parents)? Please get some help. Write back please! ↑ |
| Name: man hater | Date: Feb 11th, 2006 10:27 PM |
| this is exactly why i'm gay ↑ |
| Name: quannie | Date: Apr 1st, 2006 2:27 AM |
| thanx u were sholy a lot of help ↑ |
| Name: skelley | Date: Apr 5th, 2006 3:09 PM |
| Don't try to leave. Leave! Find a woman shelter they'll help you explore your options. They usually have someone who will come meet with you or pick you up. If there is not a womens shelter call a local religous organization and explain your situation. You have to get out this has to do with your husbands ego, and he will get persistantly more violent, but you have to focus on what's best for your kids not what's best for you! For the next 18 yrs you need to think about finishing raising your children. Then you will be able to move on with your life. Don't let him teach your children how to be unloving to people he is supose to love. What is this teaching your child? ↑ |
| Name: Push | Date: Apr 5th, 2006 9:19 PM |
| Push him down the stairs or put your son's toy cars on them so he trips over them and falls and breaks his neck! ↑ |
| Name: Been There | Date: Jul 16th, 2006 4:28 PM |
IF you really need help...there are persons who will take the problem for you on a contract.
If not....begin planning your escape that will take the next two years. First, find a new man....one who will treasure your ability to be so independant in the home. Use that man for you to express yourself.....you need to feel understood. Allow him to give you the courage.
Second, when ready call your husband's bluff...even the best poker face will fold under your determination. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jul 16th, 2006 8:40 PM |
| If you divorce him,you will be supported,through child support and alimony since he has been your only source of survival. This is exactly what scares him. He probably wants out of the mariage as badly as you do but it's the finances that he doesn't want rocked so he controls you instead.You can go now and sign up for subsidized housing for just you and your kids. You can also apply for welfare and get cash,foodstamps,and medical.Also,your son could probably get on ssi for his disability which is $603 per month at full rate. You would be able to at least use some of that for your own expenses,rent and what have you.Anyway,I'm saying ther IS a way out for you and your kids,I hope you check into it. SSI comes from social security so you would need to call your nearest office.I'm sure your son would qualify. I know welfare probably doesn't interest you too much but it would be a good enough place to start until you could get back on your own feet.There are probably some apartments in your area that base your rent on your income,call around and see what all you have to do,(you probably have to put your name on a waiting list) but you could apply at multiple apartments and eventually one will have room for you and your kids. Anythings better than staying in your marriage. Good luck to you! It takes about 4 months from start to finish to get ssi rolling in but when it does it will be given each month and you also get paid for the months you were applying so the first check once you finally get it is usually a really nice one.Welfare on the other hand kicks in about a month after you are approved and comes monthly as well.Anyway,I hope this information has been helpful to you,good luck! ↑ |
| Name: becky68 | Date: Jul 17th, 2006 2:57 AM |
Oh my god , I'm reading but I'm thinking that it's make believe what i'm reading. this is hard and i'm gonna try to help you , help yourself , if you have no family that can help you with this man (if that's what you want to call him) please try to find a support center or a church and get out. I know that you have a autistic child, you should have more available to you to help you with this you really need to do something , i was a mental abuse child by my father. He drank all our lives and since my mother left him with us he would take it out on me more then my brother. i'm gonna tell you a story, we lived near he bronx zoo 2 or 3 miles well he took us to someone's home and he didn't like my shoe's so he took them off and make me walk barefoot. thru glass , thru all the nasty stuff that is on the floor in the street. When i got home he made me take a shower with the window open it was 30. no one did nothing for my brother and I. We were kids the adult's did nothing .... so if anything speak up with your 11 year old and the one that is coming. Remember your so young you have your whole life ahead
god bless you and good luck ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Jul 17th, 2006 3:18 AM |
| You can apply for help at the social service office and get food stamps,rental,energy and babysitting, assistance. If your son has a disability you may get more help with that. As for the verbal abuse you are taking go to a shelter or maybe social services will guide you in the right direction. You need to do your homework. prepare and get out. No one deserves this. Especialy your children.You obviousley have a computer research. i know this is diffecult. I will say it again do your home work and then when youve armed yourself with information you will have the options to leave. It might take time but what else do you have. good luck I will be thinking of you all. ↑ |
| Name: JenCarpeDiem | Date: Jul 17th, 2006 2:07 PM |
If he can't handle the kids, you'll get custody. Mothers are the preferred sole carer anyway. If you have the kids, you'll get child support. Surviving while paying it is HIS problem. That's the money problem sorted, right? You don't need a car. Get someone to pick you up while he's at work and drive you and your children to the local women's shelter - or phone them and ask them to send a car. You are in an abusive relationship, they will help you. You have a disabled child, the government will help you out financially because of that.
He sounds like a jerk. Don't make your baby live with a father like that, please. ↑ |
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