|
I have been divorced from my abusive ex for a year now. Yet, he has gone to everyone I know or have loved and has tried to ruin my credibility as a mother. He lies to everyone about true facts and my oldest son worships the ground he walks on. My daughter doesn't want to go to visitation with her father even though the judge has ordered the children to go. However, my family has sided with him and they don't see the mental mind games he plays. They say I'm a piece of crap and will never amount to a hill of beans. They all enjoy kicking me down while I'm hurting inside. I try to hold my head up high when I am near them all but it hurts me deeply inside because I know they talk about me. I have allowed these feelings to affect me physically. There are some days I just don't feel worthy enough to walk this earth. I know I am a good person and had to leave my marriage because I was dying inside. I want to feel like the person I know I am but how can I do this when my ex and family keep hurting me deeply? I need to be the better person my children need. I know what they say are just words but it still hurts. Any suggestions on how to cope? ↓
|
|
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jun 7th, 2006 6:02 PM |
| Here's a thought........Stay away from all of them and when your ex picks the kids up for his visitation,don't even give him the satisfaction of seeing you. Let the kids go out to his vehicle themselves. And when he brings the kids back to you let them come inside alone. I don't understand why your own family is siding with your ex though,that puzzles me. Usually your family sticks by you not the ex. As far as your son worshiping the ground your ex walks on goes,that's pretty normal for a boy to think extremely highly of his dad so I'd let that be. You say your daughter doesn't really want to go with him but it's a court order so I don't think there's much you can do about that. As long as he isn't beating them and he is feeding them while they're in his care,I think all you can do is accept the situation for what it is. As far as people saying you will never amount to a hill of beans goes,that just shows their ignorance as far as I'm concerned. Don''t let others bring you down although I know it can be hard because words DO hurt. You don't say if you work or not but even if you don't I'm sure it's for a good reason and as long as you are properly taking good care of your kids then the way I see it that's all that matters. I don't work and am really glad I haven't because if I would have ,I'm convinced my son would have turned out quite a bit different and I don't mean for the better! I'm glad I got to be at home with him all these years to be a good mom and keep him on the right track and out of trouble! What you need to do is stay away from all the people who are negative toward you and only let the ones into your life that are nice to you and truly care about you and your feelings. When you have positive people around you then you will begin to love yourself more too.Cheer up!! :) ↑ |
| Name: pj754 to Lizzi | Date: Jun 16th, 2006 12:14 PM |
| Thanks for the response. It's tough to go through. All my ex does is lie constantly. He lies to the children, etc. etc.... My step parents won't have anything to do with me because I met a man that doesn't put up with negative behavior. He has no problem standing up to my father and my father knows it. My parents don't like the fact that they can't control me and tell me what to do. Since my son decided to live with his father, he will be moving next door to my parents. I can see the writing on the wall as to what is going to happen. My ex is very headstrong and so is my father. There will come a day, they all will get into an argument. My step father thinks that his material possessions is something I was suppose to bow down to him over. All I ever wanted from him was love and acceptance. I know that will never happen. Now, my step father will promise my son the moon and will never follow through with it. Yet, my ex is stupid to see it. He thinks his relationship with my parents will put a silver spoon in his mouth and that is something he has always wanted. He has never understood the concept of working hard for the things you want. He gets very jealous of people who fall into money. Yet, this man thinks he has money but can't afford to breath. My parents and ex are jealous of me because I don't have to work and I had a baby by another man, who I love dearly. This man loves me more than himself and it took me several years to find such a person. I am very lucky to get a second chance of what love truly is. It just aggreviates the hell out of my that my parents can't see me for the person I truly am. They have belittled me my entire life and I won't stand for it anymore. The best part is I don't let my ex know how bad he hurts me deeply. I keep a straight face and pretend nothing bothers me. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jun 16th, 2006 6:50 PM |
| Hi pj754! I am sorry you have such a bad relationship with your family but am glad to hear that you have found someone who does love and respect you to share your life with. I wish your son would not have to endure the inevitable let down that he will face one day with his grandfather. When that day comes,all you can do is be there for him and explain your reasons of why your family is broken apart the way it is. My hope though is for your son to see the kindness in the man you are with now and the happiness this man brings to you and want to be a big part of your households family.I truly hope that your son does not end up like his dad but if he does then it isn't your fault.All you did was try to make your son happy by giving him what he wanted which was to live with his dad. He will probably learn alot of lessons but sadly they will be the hard way.But when someone wants what they want sometimes you just have to let them see for themselves I guess. Who knows,maybe your son will decide one day he wants to come back and live with you afterall! Maybe there will be things about living with his dad he doesn't like that will make him want to come back to you and only visit his dad.I wish you better times with your son and family. ↑ |
| Name: mary | Date: Jun 18th, 2006 8:54 AM |
| By using your children against you? ↑ |
| Name: Fiona | Date: Jun 18th, 2006 2:22 PM |
He probably suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder - people that suffer from this disorder work 'smear campaigns' by turning everyone against their target. They are also compulsive liars.
He's probably a nut! Do a search on this disorder. ↑ |
| Name: Rhianna | Date: Jun 18th, 2006 7:32 PM |
| Name: Tamora | Date: Jun 27th, 2006 10:23 PM |
Wow, I felt like I was reading about myself.
The difference is (was) that my parents turned against me because after my divorce I met a woman. I was spoiled, loved and started to enjoy life. Needless to say I still was kicked around by my ex, and my parents turned their back on me. I continued my life the way I wanted it and didn't back down. Today , my parents decided to open up to me, and my ex figured out he can't conquer my happiness.
(Now a new chapter begins since he has remarried). ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Jun 28th, 2006 1:00 PM |
| Thanx to Lizzi and Tamora for your comments. As an adult, no one should tell you how to live your life. If you are happy, then they all should be happy for you, too. That's exactly how I feel. I have been more happier now than I ever have been. Even the kids have noticed a change in me. In the beginning, my step parents noticed it too. They comment on how nervous I would get when I was around my ex. Yet, they still side with him. They are trying to punish me because I choose to spend more quality time with my fiance's family instead of my own. My dad has told my ex and my fiance that if I ever got out of hand, it's ok to slap me around. After my ex dragged me out of the house by my hair and took me to my dad's house to tell him to straigten me out, my dad told him he should never do that to a woman. My dad is like Jekel and Hyde. One minute he says it's ok to smack a woman and then the next it isn't. Well, my fiance stood up to my dad and told him that he was raised differently, to never hit a woman. Needless to say, my dad didn't like my fiance standing up and labels him as a piece of crap. I have accepted that is they way they are and I will never change them. I just hope my son will see things for himself one day. It might be when he's an adult but I am willing to wait. ↑ |
| Name: KAT | Date: Jul 4th, 2006 2:08 PM |
| I have been divorced 3 years and on my own for 5 total. I am 42 and am an ex-retired Air Force Wife having raised 3 sons...the youngest soon to be 16. In the amount of time I have been on my own, I have endured hateful comments about me from people I once truly cared about, including friends. I have learned from my experience that people are going to say and think whatever they want to of you. Your ex knows this hurts you...that is why he does it. Your responding, despite how hurtful it is too you, is exactly what he wants to accomplish. He knows you will react to it. Baby, it's time to say to hell with everyone and move on. Turn your focus around. Not on who is saying what about you now but on what can you do for yourself and children. Standing up, shaking off the dust, becoming stronger than they give you credit for should be your goal. Your kids need you to be strong for them, fight for them, and yourself by not allowing the words of others to eat at your soul. You can't change anyone but you can change yourself and how you choose to respond to the behavior of others. Everytime your hear the negativity, and you react....your making the choice to let them get to you. YOU CAN DO IT! [email protected] ↑ |
| Name: pj754 to Kat | Date: Jul 7th, 2006 1:19 PM |
| Thanks a lot for your advice. How did your sons handle things with your divorce? Did they give you trouble from time to time? It's my oldest I'm worried about. His father is trying to get custody of him but the judge is dismissing the case because there were no physical abuse. My son was the one, who shoved me. He grew up in this kind of environment and his father keeps telling him this kind of behavior is ok. I am going to send him to counseling which his father doesn't think he needs because he wants to live with his dad. Yet, changing my son's residency is not going to solve to issues he has going on inside of him. Especially, since his father interfers with his ability to think for himself. ↑ |
| Name: erika | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 4:18 AM |
| i am a 16 year old girl with light experience in your area. my mom is the best mom i could ever hope for, but my dad had to exert his macho-ness on her for 20 years, subsequently she has low self-esteem and there are days when she needs at least 20 of her best friends to talk her off a ledge. i'm sure your daughter thinks of you just as highly as i think of my mom. i really admire her for carring on the way she has been. as for your son, he reminds me of my older sister. she has decided that he's our dad and we should love him no matter what he's done. if your daughter really doesn't want to see her dad, i cant imagine that any judge would be heartless enough to make her. i say this because she is trying to cope with this as much as you are and i know that if i had to see my dad i would not be able to help my mom as much as i have. i know it is so not fair to ask you to do something to get something in return, but it will be better for both of you in the end. i hope this helped and i hope you can seperate yourself for this horrible man you were married to forever! much love! ↑ |
| Name: pj754 to erika | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 12:07 PM |
| Thank you very much for your advice. You are a very strong spirit. I'm sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I'm glad to hear you are there for your mom and love her the way you do. It's nice to hear things like this. You are right, my daughter feels the same way as you do. I know my son loves me and loves his dad, too. I want him to love us both. I just don't want him to follow his dad's foot steps because they will lead him down the wrong path. He will be coming back home to me soon and I hope, he won't resent me for it. He only wants to live with is dad so he doesn't have to follow any rules. Yet, I'm trying so hard to explain to him life has rules no matter what. You explained that my daughter is feeling the same pain as I do, I never looked at that way. Yet, she is a very strong spirit, too. I just don't want these feelings to effect her when she gets older. Her says a lot of hurtful things that I don't think she will ever forget. However, we have a great relationship and I certainly hope that will never change. She is like my best friend. I foresee us doing so much together especially when she gets older. She has stated to my fiance and I that she is never leaving our home. She will live with us forever. I laugh and tell her she can stay as long as she wants but I know down the road, she will want to try life on her own. Yet, I could be wrong. When I have my down days, I look at my children and smile. They are most important to me than my own life. I will do anything I can within reason for them. I agree that a judge shouldn't make a child spent so much time with a parent if they didn't want to. I should have been better prepare in the beginning of my divorce by taking the children to counseling for a doctor to evaluate just how they feel for a judge to read what a counselor suggests. I'm seeing a counselor for myself to help me to realize that I'm not always at fault. To be able to realize that my level of thinking in raising my children is on the right track. So far, everything I have thought has been confirmed that I am not a bad person. Since I have been beaten down mentally for so long, I was starting to believe everyone B.S. Yet, my fiance and his family have told me, I'm a wonderful mother, a good person. They love me dearly. I look at this as being very thankful to have a second chance of true love in my life. And you know, my daughter sees this too. Even my youngest son misses me while he's on vacation with his dad. He has called me several times and stopped by for a visit yesterday. The child fell asleep in my arms and he's 7. I was so tickled because he called my home on Sunday at 9:44p.m. and left a message on the machine that he missed me and his baby sister which he loves so much. So, I called him the next morning to talk with him. That's when he called me back to ask if he could come for a visit. I'm sure the made his dad extremely angry. His dad only lives 5 minutes from my house. There are days I feel it's a good thing but sometimes I hate being so close. Once again, thank you, everyone's comments certainly help. ↑ |
|
|
