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Name: David
[ Original Post ]
My wife and I have been married for just under five years. All of a suddun she says she leaving me. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and we have decided to have joint custody. I have been so depressed lately I don't know what to do with myself. I want so badly to get back together but she wont even hear me right now. I dont know if I should keep pressing the matter with her or should I just let her go.
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Name: To David | Date: May 17th, 2006 11:32 PM
David this happen with my ex husband it was going down hill for several years ( 10 yr relationship) and i just fell out of love, but he wouldn't leave.. honestly he made it hard although I still didnt feel bad for him, it was over and he had to accept it. Maybe marriage counseling? we tried that although it didnt work but I agreed to try for him. I would back off for a few keep things civil and maybe just maybe she will change her mind, but maybe not. I wouldn't keep trying to make her stay with you its like telling a child NO and that always makes them want it ya know? Back off a bit and let her breath and that will give her the time to see if she really can be with out you. Just my opinion, good luck to you!!! 

Name: . | Date: May 18th, 2006 5:20 AM
I've been through a divorce and then almost remarried the same person (didn't learn my lesson the first time lol) and I walked away from that with a huge lesson - you can't make it work if BOTH people don't want to. I agree with the previous poster that putting up a fight will only make it worse; my advice would be to express to her that you love her and still want to work things out, if she changes her mind you welcome that - but if she wants to leave then you won't try to stop her.

You said she won't hear you right now - and unless she chooses to listen there's nothing you can do to make her. You can only offer her your love and support. 

Name: Marc | Date: Jun 19th, 2006 11:32 AM
WOW! I'm going through exactly the same thing. We've been married just comming up on five years, have two wonderful kids (4 & 2) and she has a son from a previous marriage (14). She just told me about a month ago that she's considering leaving me. I've told her that I'll do anything to get things back on track (books, counseling, whatever....) but she says she's not sure she wants to make the effort. So I'm just taking it day by day, trying to keep positive and hoping that she'll change her mind. I love her very much, but I just don't know what else to do. 

Name: pj754 To Marc | Date: Jun 20th, 2006 11:16 AM
You need to ask yourself exactly why does she want to leave? Is it because she's unhappy with you or does she have her eyes set on someone else? Sorry, if it might hurt to think she's in love with someone else. Have you tried communicating with her? Asking her what it is that you have done for her to feel this way? You might want to try doing things out of the ordinary that might make her feel appreciated by you. Example: Do the dishes, vacuum, bring home some flowers (just because), set up a romantic dinner for the two of you, give her a card with your loving thoughts. Try changing your routine of things. In my case, I realized my husband only said he loved me but in my heart I knew he truly didn't mean it. Especially, when he would become verbal or physical with me. When we would get together with other couples, he would give the other females in the group more attention than me. He would ignore me. All I wanted was for him to show me that I was his wife. Deep down I truly believe that he only wanted me around as his nanny, housekeeper, cook and secretary. He would never do things for himself. He was a good provider, who allowed me to stay at home to raise the children but when the finances were heading south, he would blame me even though, he would spend money like it was free. He was all about show for himself by purchasing things, he knew we couldn't afford. He wouldn't accept the concept of what it takes to keep a household running. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I chose to leave him. Yet, I gave him several warnings that I was thinking about it. After I left, he begged me to come back but I realized a leapord doesn't change it's spots. I knew he wouldn't change no matter what. He would be good for a little while but then he would go right back to his usual mean self. I didn't like to person I was, when I was with him. We argued all the time and I knew it wasn't a good environment for the children. You can force someone to change and be happy, they have to be willing to meet you half way. He would always belittle me in anything I did. He tried to make me think I was the one, who is always wrong and screwed up. I was slowly dying inside. I burned all the feelings I had for him. I stuck it out for 12 years but the last 5 years of our marriage went down hill. When he starting forgetting our anniversay, I knew I didn't really matter to him. I'm just suggesting to do special things for your wife. If she is willing to meet you in the middle, you might have a chance in saving your marriage. If she chooses to walk away, probably, she has already given up. 

Name: pj754 to Marc | Date: Jun 20th, 2006 11:23 AM
** Correction, you can't force someone to change and be happy if they are unwilling to meet you half way.
**He burned all the feelings I had for him. He did this to himself, yet he blames me. I'm always the one, who was wrong. He wouldn't never admit to any mistakes. 

Name: mrt0121 | Date: Jun 20th, 2006 11:50 AM
David,

Unfortunately for you, by the time she has told you this, in her mind, she has already left. She has had her time to think about it, grieve over it and then get the courage to tell you. Not fair to you, I know.. but seems to be the way things happen. Hold your head high.. don't stoop to low things (like bad mouthing her to the kids) because you want to hurt her.. or doing other things because you are hurt and want to hurt her. Don't hassle her about making things right, especially at this point. There is no right or wrong answer to this, I'm sorry to say. Let her go, give her some time and space, don't keep questioning her. You never know.. if she thinks you are o.k. with this, she might rethink this whole thing... Not trying to give you false hope, but time and space can make a big difference sometimes with a big decision.. Try to stay positive... this will not kill you! You will actually come out of this stronger and wiser than you ever imagined! 


Name: Fiona | Date: Jun 21st, 2006 11:06 AM
I think that your wife is being VERY hasty in her decision to split with you! She should be giving it more time for you both to adjust to having a small child and for you to get some treatment for your depression.
Perhaps you could suggest that you go to some marriage counselling. Tell her that you're going to have some treatment for your depression.
She won't find it easy being by herself with a small child and it's not good for the child either.
Please try to find a way to communicate with her - write a letter if necessary. 

Name: Adam | Date: Jul 2nd, 2006 2:13 AM
Our son died during pregnancy a little over a year ago. My wife was devastated. A lot of things inside of myself were destroyed. David, I hope that you can work things out, but I myself am painfully aware of what it is like when the person you love has retreated into a deep emotional shell. 

Name: fortuny | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 1:40 PM
There's a book that you might want the read,( stop your Divorce). 

Name: amy | Date: Jul 9th, 2006 9:07 PM
shes probably seeing someone else 

Name: Tanya | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 8:17 AM
David,
my honest opinion is to let her go.
Concentrate on being their for your daughter it's going to be very hard but you are fighting a loosing battle. why did she leave you? tanya@cozens.co.za 

Name: J | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 12:50 PM
My dad is just now going through the same situation. After 35 years, my mom is saying she doesn't love him anymore. She has been going through severe depression. My mom is from the Philippenes and she has never had a really strong family life. Her dad died 3 years ago. This was the first time she had visited her homeland since she was 17. She saw the bad conditions that her brother was living in and needed to get him over here. When he came, he lived with my parents but wouldn't come out of his room because he was ashamed of living there. This caused problems because my quiet dad couldn't make her brother feel welcome. He left and now my dad is to blame. When my dad is home she tells him that she doesn't love him anymore and that it was all his fault. He crys everyday and doesn't know what to do. I am sooooooo lost in helping him because my mom will not talk to ANYONE. She leaves when he is at home and stays out until he goes to work. I don't know what to do 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Jul 16th, 2006 4:57 PM
David,you can't make someone love you who doesn't anymore. Talk to your wife and see if there's anything you can say or do to change her mind and if she say's no then you have to let her go. 

Name: julie | Date: Jul 28th, 2006 11:37 PM
My husband just told me a couple of days ago that he is leaving me. I am in the same place you are. i don't want it to happen because i do love him. We have two children 3 and 14 months. I know that I have came to the conclusion over the past couple nights that i can't live for him anymore. I have to live for my children and even though i know they say two parents are better than one, sometimes i am not sure. He won't listen to what i have to say. he won't go to counsiling, he won't talk to our preacher. He doesn't care what i have to say or how i feel or what i want. I think he is going through something rough in his life that doesn't have anything to do with me or the kids and before we can work anything out he has to work his self out. So just let her take the time she needs give her a week let her think things through and find her self, Who know when she finds her self she might find the love you two used to share. 

Name: Rime | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 4:31 AM
I was in the same situatuon about a year ago. We divorced and a few months laters she was asking me to go back home and try to work things out. i did not wanted to.. so I told her that I have stoped loving her (which was the truth at the time) and that nobody can force somebody to fall in love with anybody.... it was really tough on her but she got the message and she stoped trying... after a few months she stop trying I realize that really the single life was not what I wanted and I begun to look for her, asking her out etc and my feelings for her came back. Unfortunately she does not feel the same about me any more...it is sad and tough because now my feelings are stronger than ever and she just said that she does not love anymore and that she does not want to try anymore....I know how you feel but dont push it...I made that mistake and it has kill not only the little we had but also our friendship...give her some room...start thinking about your self and your daughter, keep your mind occupied...take some extra hours of work or do something you have been wanting to do that you couldn't do before,this will elevate your self steem and keep your mind occupied...i know it is hard but try to see her as just a regular friend or just somebody you know (best friends do not always works specially when the break up is so recent) this will make her think deeper when she realizes that you are ok with her decission and will find out for sure if she really misses you as a spouse or if she wants only your friendship... good luck 

Name: Sheila | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 2:13 PM
Sorry! !! You cant make her want to work it out right now. She may be going through a stage and not thinking clearly! Let her go! Let her soar and you need to move on with your life. You must be busy with your little one anyways and don't have the energy into having to work matters out with your heart right now! She may sooner or later want to come back. Everything will come crashing down on her at some point. I know cuz I'm a single mom and feel like going back but now it's too late. My ex wants nothing to do with me. So now I'm left to raise my 4 yr old with him in 2 separate houses. Hang in there! Join a gym. Take time for yourself. Enjoy it! 

Name: alexander | Date: Sep 12th, 2006 8:35 AM
Love mee 

Name: JohnnyG | Date: Oct 2nd, 2006 2:45 PM
it's amazing how many people go through the exact same problems.. it's almost scary.. my wife left me (for the second time) on March 8th... and now on Oct 2th she finally told me she wasn't coming back home.. and the "spark" or "feelings" she had for me are completly gone.. it is VERY hard for me to handle this.. we've been together for 10 years.. married for 6.. and have 2 daughters (3&5 now).. she's given up.. and doesn't even want to try and work things out.. I asked her several months ago if she would consider coming back home.. so we could try.. but no.. she doesn't want too.. not even try for the sake of our family.. it's like she's 2 persons.. evil/good side.. I see her emotions come out once in a while.. mostly if she's crying.. but most of the time it's like she's built a wall around here.. hiding the real her behind it.. and doesn't want that "good" part of her to show up.. I strongly believe she's depressed.. and what's sad.. it doesn't seem like anybody on her side of the family is doing anything to help her.. I've offerred my help.. but now it seems anything I say is a bad thing.. she rather stick a lawyer at me now.. asking for joint custudy.. and asking for child/spousal support.. isn't that nice? you devote your entire life to somebody.. just to be repaid by this.. to be cheated.. to be lied too.. and now this.. I even found out she was having an affair behind my back for the past few years.. and this was while she was pregnant for our second child.. I'm completly lost in my emotions.. thank god for my mother and my girls.. they keep me strong right now.. and I have to be strong for them.. (but it's hard) 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 2nd, 2006 3:03 PM
Sorry JohnnyG,the best thing you can do is put the past behind you and move forward. It will sting for awhile but it does get better with time. Good luck to you and your girls. 

Name: Paul | Date: Jul 5th, 2007 5:26 PM
I am going through very similar situation, she says she does not want to leave me due to our son etc, she says she loves me but not sexually, i have seeked counselling, as she says taht i am very needy and clingy which drives her more away, the more i try the furthur she seems to drift, counselling is helping as it is helping me discover that i have been far to possesive and taking away her freedom. maybe counselling will help? 

Name: //////////// | Date: Jul 13th, 2007 2:03 PM
yes 

Name: bluenight | Date: Jul 13th, 2007 3:55 PM
sometimes it makes it worse to keep pressing her about it maybe she just needs some time alone. things usually work themselves out . would she see a professional with you or your pastor. 

Name: Jorge | Date: Jul 25th, 2007 11:45 AM
Sam situation. The question for me is why? No one's cheated, we've both been very supportive and loving. Only problem has been that she distances herself and we've had discussions about it, but I've given her as much space as I can. She says she's lost herself, but is unwilling to see a marriage counselor and now for the first time (after her announcement) went to see one herself. She's on a work trip this week and I'm not bugging her to let her figure things out. There may be no solution and I'll let her go, but she won't even try or give me the why (no, 100%, 100% sure there's no other guy) that I would need for my own closure. She says she doesn't deserve me. Maybe I've loved her too much and she doesn't feel she can give as much and hence not worthy. It's like commiting marriage suicide; a completely selfish act. 

Name: David MCmunn | Date: Jul 30th, 2007 11:10 AM
I feel horrible for my husband val27: I have been married for almost 5 years, we've been together for 8 years. After we married, things changed, we fight a lot and have other issues. We have talked and thereatened divorce, but I just cannot take it anymore & I told him that it was over. He is totally heartbroken & wants to change, but I don't think it is healthy to jsut change everything for one person--that won't make him happy, plus, I need to work on myself too. Yes, I still have love for him but I am not in love with him, he keeps asking me if I am and I have to tell him no, it just makes me sad I can't reciprocate those lost feelings. How can I make him understand that we will be better apart? I still want to talk to him, not completely cut him out, but I don't understatnd his obsession over me.
Re:I feel horrible for my husband Bocephus: This might sound strange but you 'situation' sound like my stbxw. 

Name: Shawn | Date: Aug 22nd, 2007 7:01 AM
My Wife and I have had problems for so long....but she prayed that one day I would find Jesus Christ and come to God through Him. That I would have the relationship with God that I needed. I found that and now she is telling me that God is wanting to take her away from me. I don't understand why she would work so hard for this relationship that I needed then when I get it He would take her away from me. I know God has a plan for everyone but why would He give me this emotional high of finding his unearthly love and then turn right around and take away the greatest earthly love that I have. I am not trying to smite God I am just asking for understanding. If anyone can comment I would appreciate it. 

Name: duchess | Date: Aug 22nd, 2007 9:50 PM
Believe what she says. Let her go. Move on and make a life for yourself and your daughter. Get out with her, take a trip, join a singles club. Do what is best for you, and that right now is not her. 

Name: don | Date: Aug 24th, 2007 2:53 AM
look im right there in the same boat and let me say that if you have the patience and self control of a saint then you might have a chance but you have to decide if the misery you are going through is worth it or would you be better off focusing on working getting a new place together and your little girl.And by the way my daughter just turned 10 months old and has never slapt away from me until now so i know how badley you want to fix it and just GO HOME but as much as i want to just lay down and die i know that my little girl needs me and ill be damned if im going to let her down just because her mother (my wife) has lost her damn mind . i swear ive tried everything to make this nightmare go away but i doesnt so i pick up her picture say a prayer that god will look over her while shes not with me and thank god that i am still here to do as much as i can so that she never has to wonder if shes loved . 

Name: chris | Date: Aug 31st, 2007 10:54 PM
David,
I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. My wife wants a divorce now and this isnt the first time she has asked. All you can do is plan for your kids and take care of yourself.Its very hard and I know what you are feeling but be strong and keep your daughters best interest in mind. 

Name: HNR949 | Date: Sep 4th, 2007 12:30 AM
I am currently feeling the same pain as you are bro. I totally feel your pain, My wife is actually boning some 20 uear old kid behind my back. I just recently found out last night to tell you the truth.

At least you are being pro-active about the situation and seeking some answers. We are all here for you.

In your specific situation, i'm not sure why she just decided to opt-out of the relationship. There has to be a reason, find out what those reasons are and see if they are fixable. Remember that it takes two... A problem might be fixable but is she willing to put her own time and commitment to try to work it out with you?

Thats my question to her. Good luck and let me know if you need to talk, I have a huge situation of my own right now and need as much support as possible.

hnr@mchsi.com

-Henry 

Name: similar situation | Date: Sep 7th, 2007 1:37 PM
Hi there - thanks for the advice. I've been ready to give up on many occasions and this is the only positive advice I've seen. 

Name: Jay Will | Date: Sep 12th, 2007 1:19 PM
Im going through the same thing, but it's a little different. My wife has already moved out for about a month in a half now. We still go to church and activities with our 5year old son. I ask her all the time to come back but she says she's not ready. What does this mean? Does it mean she's trying to meet someone else. 

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