Name: Alexandra Title: Need advice on how to deal with my fiance's ex wife

Hello Everyone!

I am new to this chatroom and would love to receive any advice on how to deal with the situation below. I am trying to be as reasonable as possible as I do not wish it to hinder my relationship with my fiance.

We both are divorced and were married for a long period of time to different individuals. I do not have any children from my previous relationship, but he does have one daughter.

I feel in love with him for many reasons, but also for the wonderful dad that he is. His ex has been very difficult towards him, but I have seen some improvement. However, I have witnessed her selfishness and controlling behavior towards my fiance.

I am still tryign to get over her past behavior, and always manage to be kind to her. Especially, in front of her child. Her daughter has been very loving towards me and we have a health relationship. Her mom is jealous of it, which I can understand, and I never try to take her place nor will I ever.

While I can deal with my fiance's ex's jealousy and manipulation with her daughter, I get angry when she tries to involved the dad.

Please tell me if you believe that I am over-reacting on this particular instance ? Can you understand where I come from? Any good advice to deal with my emotions?

This week, she called my fiance to ask him if he could take his daughter to go buy her first soccer outfit since she had no clue what to get. She did mentionned that she will be there, but he replied that he wanted to take his daughter alone. When it came to the day to actually go to the store, she called him back to confirm and she informed him that she will meet him at the store. A few hours before going to the store, he shares that entire story with me. All along, we both were under the impression that he would be getting some one on one time with his daughter. I was angry and shared with him how I felt about that situation. I did not think that both parents needed to be there for that occasion. I agree that other instances will require both of their presence like school conferences, soccer games, etc.. I was sick to my stomach about it since I am trying to form a family unit and I feel that I have to constantly push his ex back. While I may have let my emotions lead me this time, I still believe that both parents did not need to be there to purchase that item. Actually, I think that he would have been very nice for my fiance and his daughter to go alone. They were not buying a prom dress or some items that women would enjoy more. What do you think?

My fiance is very respectful of my feeling and I appreciate him very much for that. He ended up not going, but I asked told him that I would never hold anything against him if he did. Divorce is very difficult for all parties involved. I am only trying to set some bounderies in order to protect my family.

Thank you so very much for your kind response!!!  ?

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Name: joy2 • Date: 04/28/2008 10:41:11

You are wise to want to put a stop to this...I am in a similar position and it's the most frustrating thing in the world. My fiance' ex calls him during the day to talk about "nothing important" For some reason exes think we owe them something...i don't owe her crap....she owes me for taking over in her shoes when she left...for loving her daughter every weekend when she comes...but they think it's our job...i feel like some days i'm gonna explode...but NEVER let her no it bothers you...try to kill her with kindness...i have been doing this for 2 1/2 years and if you show any emotion she will get worse...good luck to you hon....seems like it gets worse but I love my guy.  =

Name: Lory • Date: 04/28/2008 12:07:08

I have to agree w/joy2....the more emotion you show...or the more you show her she's getting to you..the worse she will do/act. It's always a tough situation....just continue to put the child/children 1st...and...things will work out. Setting boundaries in the beginning will help alleviate some things...(I wish I would have set them earlier)....but..like a child..she will always try to push them to the limit.

A couple of ladies here recommended counseling...great idea...it helps get thru the constant b.s. I like to vent here at times too...it helps just to get it out with people who understand. Your not alone....Good Luck!  =

Name: Alexandra2205 • Date: 05/08/2008 08:03:32

Thank you Joy and Lori for your responses! It truly helps knowing that I am not alone in this situation ;)
My fiancé and I have been working as a team when dealing with his ex. This attitude has helped us tremendously. Unfortunately, she does not give up and is taking him to court to revisit custody + child support. We pray that the judge will be fair and take everything into consideration. Especially the fact that my fiancé has been involved at 100 % in his daughter's life. Because I had a close relationship with my father, I wish for my step-daughter and her dad to experience the same type of father-daughter love. I sincerely believe that every other weekend is just not enough to build that type of closeness. We do our best to look at the "big picture" and always place the child first, but we feel that her mother only thinks about her own needs instead of her child's. Counseling is definitely a way to go when dealing with this type of situation. We have meet with his psychologist whom he used during his divorce. That Dr. told me that his ex had serious issues ( she meet her several times) and that she will not change, but we can control our behavior and actions. From now on, we have limited our contact with the ex and use email for communications regarding their child to avoid any misunderstanding and have facts to use in the court of law. It is not an easy road, but it will be worthy in the long run. I support my fiancé and encourage him to never quit on his daughter no matter how much money we need to spend for him to see his daughter and hopefully obtain joint custody. We will continue to keep our heads up and be kind to her mother not matter what. To all of you mothers, ex-wives and step-mothers, thank you for your willingness to share your experiences! Please remember to see the world through your children's eyes and heart.  =

Name: og217 • Date: 05/08/2008 15:38:12

I would strongly advise you to nip this in the bud now. You will have slightly less leverage once you are married. You want the ground rules set before the wedding. And you are correct, there is no need at all for your fiance to be spending time with anyone he used to sleep with. Period. Regardless of anything. There will be 3 or 4 occasions in a life time - this child's high school and college graduation and wedding, where he will have to be in the vicinity of his ex, but they really needn't speak, and with those 3 exceptions, hand-offs of the kid should only take 30 seconds. I am very glad I put an end to all such nonsense in my own situation. Believe me, you will be happier, and it will be very helpful to say "You knew how I felt, I've always insisted on this, even before we were married." If you don't, then he will always fall back on "This is how it always was with my ex, you never had a problem with it until we were married." Really, you want to prep your playing field here.  =