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My heart is breaking for my new husband. He is a wonderful father who pays his child support religiously, and sees his children whenever possible. His ex wanted a divorce 5 years ago (midlife thing) and treats him as though he was the one who left her. She belittles him to his children and talks to him with such anger and distain in their presence. He hates me basically because I am with him and she can't control every situation anymore. Recently both children (ages 13 and 16) have decided they do not want to come to their father's home every other weekend as the court papers state. They say they are bored and have no friends. They are so awful to him on the phone (just like the ex). He is so upset about all this. Should he just tell the kids he loves them and when they want to visit to let him know? I can't believe a woman would want to keep the children away from their father and not celebrate that relationship. Why do some ex-wives become so mean and jealous after a divorce when it was they who wanted it to begin with?
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Hi mlevy,
Wow that is a tough situation, and as sad as it is , it seems to be getting more and more common. A member of my family went through this same thing. When she ( his daughter) told him , she did not want to come visit anymore, He told her how much he loved her, told her he would not force her to visit him, and told her how upset he was by this, and how much he was hurt by it, but would respect her feelings. He did not call over there, but regularly sent thinking of you card and little tokens, about 6 months later she called him feeling horrible. He reassured her he still loved her and was waiting for the day that she would call. Because of this they now have an amazingly close relationship. I am not saying this is the right thing to do, I am just sharing something that happened in my family and how it turned out. Wishing you and your Hubby the best through this situation, please keep us up to date on what is happening. = |
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It's because they never really wanted to leave them. It came as a shock to them that the husband decided not to put up with their noncense anymore. Usually it gives that type of woman a feeling of power to belittle their husbands infront of people to say they want a divorce. Make sure the kids know you care about them and love them. Point specific thing out that dad do for them. Soon they will turn around. Kids need their fathers love more than friends, let them realise that by making it a pleasureable family experience when they come to visit. Thats what we did, and now the children live with us, by choice!
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Thanks to those of you who responded. I have read some other postings and it appears this happens quite often. It is so sad when one parent uses the children to get back at the other parent. My husband is such a good man and does not deserve this treatment from his ex-wife or his children. I understand kids being more involved with school activities and their friends at their ages, but it amazes me they can't put aside their selfish behavior for 4 nights out of a whole month to be with a father who loves and misses them. I can only hope the ex-wife will someday see the harm she is causing her children by disrespecting their father. He was there for her after her 1st marriage (where she had a child), and apparently she only used him to balance her life out before leaving him. He remembers how she treated her first ex and now she is doing it to him. I am trying so hard not to have hate in my heart for this woman, but she is so evil and mean. All we can do right now is tell the children we love them and miss them and pray everything will work out in time. Thank you so much, ladies.
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She is like that because she is no longer in control of him and she doesn't want him to be happy with you so she lashes out. As for the kids who are 13 and 16, it's not necessarily unusual for them to not want to go at this age. They want to be where their friends are. I think your husband should not force them to come at all. They know when they want to and when they don't. I think he should tell them he loves them both and tell them they are welcome anytime. If they choose not to come then so be it. They probably won't be this way forever. It is wrong that his ex says bad things about him in front of the kids but your husband has no control over that. All he can do is show his kids what they mean to him when he has them and eventually they will develope their own personal opinions of him no matter what their mother says. Your husband should let them know the door is open and they are welcome but it will be up to them if and when they want to use it. If they choose not to come around,it's their loss but your husband should still send them cards for their birthdays and christmas and call them once in awhile. They will come around if and when they are ready but don't push them. Let them because they WANT to not because they're MADE to. It'll be much more pleasant that way!
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We have the same ex!!! Except ours is now using an Order of Protections to get me out of the house during visitation. Control, control, control...it has been 5 years of this escalating bs. The kids now spy, lie, and disrespect us. We are ready to give up on seeing the kids...any advice from someone going thru the same
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Even if the children don't want to see their father doesn't mean he still can't be apart of their lives. He can still attend their school functions or activities they have. He can still provide a support system of just being present. If they children don't come up to him before, during or after each function just his presence of being there will leave some kind of impression on them. Perhaps they may not see now but they won't forget it when they get older. Don't give up on them. See them cards or little notes through the mail. Perhaps the mom might destroy them but at least you know you are still trying. Perhaps if you make copies of them before you send them, this way when they do get older and accuse of not caring, you can show them all the copies of cards and notes. I wouldn't force them into anything they don't want to do. However, their mom should be encouraging them to see their father. He is still their father no matter what. She can never stop him from being thier father. Not only that, he does pay child support religiously, so, if he truly didn't care about them, he wouldn't be willing to support them. Perhaps, he can explain this to them. By telling them that at least he's supporting them financially even though they don't want the contact. He trying his best to make sure they have what they need. I wish you well and hopefully things will get better.
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mlevy, I read your dilema and I understand some of what you are going through because of my situation. My daughter 14, did choose to stay with her dad and was being fed anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness as a steady diet. I grieved for months and months over the situation. I continued to send her cards and text messages, some phone calls. During that year she chose to visit here only a total of maybe 8 times. It was so painful. But through the help of counseling and just being faithful to little notes and text messages and not pushing or forcing her to come (a whole lot of love and paitience) she has come to truth on her own about me as her mom and now we are having visits,,,still on her making that decision and she is spending nights with me and my wonderful husband. She is seeing that things were not like she was hearing from others and has been very affectionate and loving towards me. A breath of much needed fresh air. I wish you all the best. mini mouse
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To Francine---The ex is using an order of protection to get out of the house while visiting your children? Now that's ridiculous. Ok, then, request through your attorney a different meeting place for you and the children. Request a resturant or a park. Are you not allowed to see the children without her presence? As much as you feel like giving up, they will be hurt if you do. I can see if the 16 year doesn't want to come around anymore, he probably has a life of his own. However, the 13 year still needs to understand that his father is his parent, too. That will never change. Sounds like the ex has done a good job in twisting their minds. Yet, keep in mind, they are old enough to make their own decisions and have decided what they want. It's hard to force them to visit because it may only push them father away from you both. This is a tough call. What ever happened to the theory of you are the parents and they are the children? Children are suppose to respect their parents!!! It just seems like this is becoming more common of the children being able to get what they want. I, too, am struggling with my 13 year old not wanting to live with me and if I did send him to his father, he probably won't ever come for visits. However, my son has other issues that we are trying to work out through counseling but honestly, I doubt it won't do me any good. His father will probably fight for custody again and this time, I will probably let my son go. Only because, he just doesn't function very well in my home. He's always trying to create trouble and tension for everyone. So, I'm stuck with the dilemma of letting him go or look out for the well being of everyone else inside my home? I'm waying more on the well being of everyone else. Oh, my heart will break when the day comes but things were much more quiet and smooth sailing when my son was living with his father over the summer. Everyone was happy, more relaxed and we all had a good time. It's my son, who feels that things around here is just so terrible. He gets alot of this attitude from his father and that I can't change. So, all I can tell you is maybe things would be for the best if you did let the children go. It just sounds like their mother will do nothing but cause problems for you all no matter what. No one could fault you for doing so. Your trying to do what's best for everyone and if the children don't see, then how can you make them. They have to see things on their own. I'm sorry Francine if I couldn't offer you much advice. I have similiar troubles. Hopefully things will work out for you all. Just keep in my try to remain happy with the people you have in your home now. If the children visit with you all, make it enjoyable. Another thing, whatever you do, do allow your aggreviation show through to the ex. She's feeding on it. This is exactly what she wants. She wants all of you to be miserable. As much as it hurts you and your husband, just put on the happy face that you all will be fine no matter how things turn out. If the ex says things to you in a negative manner, just look at her and smile...don't respond. That kind of attitude will get under skin more than anything. Please, keep us posted.
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Because they realize they made a terrible mistake and will never own up to it. They are miserable, and want everyone around them to be miserable also. She is so extremely jealous of you, because you represent what she used to have. She can't control anything he does anymore and it bothers her to no end. No, she shouldn't try to come between the children and their father but she doesn't care. She'll do whatever it takes to cause a wedge between you and your husband. Even if it causes his children to be estranged from their father. It's all selfishness and greed. Just be supportive of your husband during this time. In the end, he'll see that she's a crazy person and you are what he needs. Be kind to his children and they will respect you and love you. It might not be anytime in the near future, but when they get old enough they will see the truth. Good luck and hang in there.
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Maybe you can plan to attend events like baseball or hockey games, or a concert when they visit. If the kids are girls them perhaps you can do something with them like taking them shopping or for mani/pedi type thing (I have a stepdaughter since she was 12 and this worked for us - the girl time helped us develop a bond). If you or your husband have friends at work that have kids their age, invite them along as a group outing so they can have someone their own age to relate to. Maybe they will develop friends in your area that will keep them wanting to come over for visits. Even if this does or doesn't work, your husband should still call them, send b-day cards, etc. so that they know that he still cares. I would suggest emailing or text messaging them since "mom" can intercept letters and cards that come through the mail. They will appreciate him for it in the long-run. Most likely their mom is feeding them lies about the dad and painting you as the wicked stepmom. The thing is that if they visit, then they can actually "see" and "feel" that the enivironment is not as bad as mom makes it out to be. And trust me, the ex will never see that she is damaging the kids with this mess. She is only concerned with herself and since she can't get to your husband, she will used the children to do it. I have been there and am still going through it. If you would like to talk more privately about it, you can email me at blondiesue8143@hotmail.com and I can share some other things with you that maybe helpful or at least get you through. Good luck.
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I can relate to your situation. I know it is sad that his ex chooses to be the way she is. The especially sad thing is what she is doing to the children. All the two of you can do is try to be there for the children and let them know how Loved they are. Do not discuss there mother in front of them or say anything against her. I know she does it to the both of you - but as you know all it is doing is hurting the kids. If however the kids ask you a question regarding something there mother has told them about either of you and it is untrue - then you need to address this by telling them the truth. I would totally ignore the mother - let her know that she needs to take her own inventory by ignoring her. If she gets a response from either of you or a reaction to her immature behavior then she will continue - so basically don't give her any reaction. I would concentrate on the life the two of you are starting together and work on spending alot of quality time with the kids. Don't however over do it with the children. What I mean is you can't buy Love. Just spending special quality time is important. I think there dad should call and talk to them on a regular basis letting them know that he is there for them and alway will be. With time they will see. I think they see how it is now but are afraid to choose sides because of the way there mother will react. Concentrate on the positives and it will turn around you will see. Good Luck!
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I never divorced my husband but even though I am with someone else I still want my ex-husband to stay alone i don't want to see him with anyone else why should he make or be happy with anyone that couldn't be me after everything that i gave him and still i am here when he needs me and it's been 10 years and still so i guess we all have our reasons why.
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Hi mlevy, I know exactly how you feel. I have been with my husband for over 6 years now and my husband has always been in his kid's lives'. He has and will always do anything for him. With that being said, his ex-girlfriend will talk about me and him any chance she gets to her neighbor, little league parents and even the receptionist at the kids' doctor's office. We actually got custody of the kids because she would try to keep the kids away from my husband. All i can stay is just stick by yor husband and support him anyway you can. As for the kids, i think its good to be honest with the kids but not force anything on them either. Good luck and I wish you and your husband the best
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I am the ex wife in this simuliar siituation. I have been acused of being bitter and not helping my ex with the ralationship with his kids . ALL NEED TO UNDERSTAND , IF THESE MEN WERE SO GOOD AND THE VICTUMS IF THEY WOULD PUT MORE TIME IN THIER KIDS BEFORE THE DIVORCE ... AND NOT AFTER THE FACT...... MEN LIKE THIS ONE GETS ME ... AND OH MY GOD THERE ARE SO MANY OUT THERE CLAIMING TO BE THE VICTUMS . PLEASE!!!!!!! FATHERS LIKE THAT NEED TO UNDERSTAND ONE THING KIDS REACT TO THE WAY THEY WERE RAISED .. IF THESE MEN WERE MEN CARED FOR THIER FAMILIES ... TO START OUT WITH THE KIDS WOULD NOT HATE THEM......I WORK IN A HAIR SALON I HEAR IT ALL .... AND THEY ALL HAVE ONE THINK IN COMMAN THE FATHER ....TELL HIS NEW WIFE THEY WERE MEAN TO ME ....PLEASE....MEN LIKE THESE NEED MOTHERS ,,, THEY NEED TO GROW UP AND STOP ACTING LIKE THE WORLD IS OUT TO GET THEM ..... I THINK THEY ARE WHIMPS ... MAKES ME SICK TO THINK HOW THEY GO AROUND BLAMEING TEENS ....THE TRUTH IS ITS THEM AND THEN EVERYONE ELSE ...
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ummm....perfect example!!
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my husband and I have been separated for two months, we have three children and recently he took off with the kids with out consent. I need to know if they are safe and well. Any advice I am trying to find my kids any advice.
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I know the feeling. My husband's ex also wanted out about 8 years ago. She is remarried but constantly has bad things to say about my husband to his son. She talks about my husband doing drugs, and how he is controlling. She constantly uses tells my stepson why he can't do things with us. I really feel bad for the child. The only difference in our situations is that my stepson (9) wants to be with us all the time. She is abusive, mentally and physically. I am glad he is old enough to know what is true and false now and actually is standing up to her.
You can force the kids to come but we both know that is just creating tension. Be creative and start involving their friends at your house. My stepson goes to school 50 minutes from our house but I invite his friends here and get them from school and return them after the weekend or night. We go do things over there so his friends are involved. It is not all the time but it works. I also have 2 kids from previous marriage and we have one of our own and we stress the importance of family. This is another thing they do not learn in the other household. Sorry I could go on forever about this crazy woman and wish I too had the answer for a jealous ex-wife who uses and abuses the kids. = |
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I'm dealing with a similar situation. She cheated several times and he finally had enough, told her he wanted a divorce, she couldn't get the papers fast enough, she wanted out asap. Now that the smoke has settled (8 mos later), she wants him back, is mad at her boyfriend for helping her cheat on him, at herself for cheating, at her ex for giving up so easily and at me for having what she wants.... (those are her words to my bf) she comes around trying to hug him and asking to come back to him and then goes to her family and tells them that he begged her to come home. It has put a strain on our relationship. I trust him, but I don't trust her, she keeps working all these angles trying to get back into his life. She will say she needs to talk about the kids and then show up and talk about how she wants to come back, etc.... I'm at my wits end.
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my husbands ex-wife is using their daughters to ruin our marriage.
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my husbands ex-wife, use to call our home, 8 or more times aday. She is a bar whore, brings men home from bars in front of daughters. at the time the girls were 12 and 13. she would threaten me, and call me a whore, in front of the girls. my husband would not say anything, because he said he did'nt want to be a bad parent too. now the young women, are 15 and 16 years old. we just lost our baby, I was 9 weaks pregnant. and the 16 year old called laughing. I told them I want nothing to do with them. enough is enough.
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Hi there
I have been with my husband now for two years. He has two children with e-wife. Mind you she was pregant when they separtated. (we met then).She is so hard to deal with, She flonts around and invites him over, to do, the you no what, all the time. I trust him!! She cant get over him. She tells him all the time she wants him to come home. I keep thinking to myself she will be over this soon, but I dont think she ever will!! its been two years. I have a ex to that I have a child with I got over it,,why cant she? She blames me for there divorce since we met when they were still married. HELP ME!! = |
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I am in a similiar situation. My husband and I have been experiencing problems with the exwife for about six years now. The exwife becomes upset and cuts off contact between the children and thier father. This normally occurs at certain milestones in his life such as puchasing a new home or getting maried. My husband has tolerated her disfunctional behavior for years. He realizes now that something has to be done. He has recently filed for scheduled visitation through the courts. She has become a raving lunatic. She hired an attorney and relayed that I was the cause of my husband not seing his children. When my husband and I first started dating the exwife would be very disrespectful when she called the house, cursing, and filed frivalous unsubstaintiated civil and criminal charges against me. Things have calmed down a little but she still acts a fool when she gets a bug up her ass. She has caused so many problems earlier in our realtionship that I was ready to leave.
I encourage all of the new wives to hang in there. Be supportive and motivate your husbands to stand up and fight for the relationship with thier children. This is a battle well worth it. The children deserve to have stability and structure. I pray for the success and happiness in the lives of new wives and thier husbands. = |
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I can beleive every bit of what your saying. The ex-wife is driving me up the wall. I am 1 year into my marriage and have been but on nerve pills and am now loosing my hair, because of all the drama. It is a neverending story. They are missing the stability and taking out their anger on the wrong people(the new wife). When they leave they expect the man to not progress and when he does and she doesn't or he moveson first that is when the exwife begans to have issues. Her anger should clearly be directed at herself.
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she is miserable with her life or otherwise she would move on. she is probably more miserable now seeing him happy with someone else. yes, he should tell the kds he loves them and that they are always welcome in his home. eventually they will grow up and no longer be under her thumb print so they will form their own opinion. until that day comes don't take any abuse off of any of them. it is hard on kds that visit because all of their friends are at the other house.
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As quoted from ..................Nancy......."FATHERS LIKE THAT NEED TO UNDERSTAND ONE THING KIDS REACT TO THE WAY THEY WERE RAISED .. IF THESE MEN WERE MEN CARED FOR THIER FAMILIES ... TO START OUT WITH THE KIDS WOULD NOT HATE THEM" OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1....Seriously...........you are the problem............you don't see two sides to anything............it takes two people no matter what.......and the fact that you did it all in caps...........and you work in a hair salon.............seriously............take a look in the mirror.....................there are reasons why people don't work out........everyone has a circumstance........BUT TO WALLOW IN SELF PITY.................AND TEACH YOUR CHILDREN NOT TO GIVE FROM THEIR HEART..........ONLY TAKE WHAT IS THEIRS...........IS THE REASON YOU ARE IN THE MESS TO BEGIN WITH! Get over it go to counseling..........and raise some decent kids!!!!!!!!!!
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hi is any one in the chat room?
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I totally get you here. My husband's ex wife is the same way. His are 12 and 9, still young yet, but she really fights everything. I have a 15 year old, so I know when they are older, they are going to want to do things with their friends too. I think this is normal and I think they would resent him for forcing them. However, I would suggest your husband tell them that they can do what they want Fri and Sat, but Sunday afternoon is "my house for football and pizza!" Your husband is going to have to stick up for himself in this manner or it will just get worse, as they will see they can just push him over. Also, you could have them bring their friends to your house, that way ur able to meet some of their social group and stay involved that way too. Don't worry about her, she's miserable and wants u guys to be. Don't buy into that, let her yell and scream, just deal with the kids and ignore her. She won't change.
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Nancy..
Why are you putting the blame on just the husband? It takes to to tango and if he is no longer happy with the wife then why stay and be manipulated by a selfish, vindictive woman. My husband of 2 years is great and he has 2 girls he pays support to. Maybe the ex wife is jealous they go on cruises and buy new homes. If the ex wife tried harder maybe he would not of left and the first wife would get as much as the 2nd wife. Besides the new wife will always get more and worth more! = |
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I hear you...I am there with you...Kids love there mothers unconditionally and there fathers with conditions especially if that is the way the X loved him. The pain he feels is something he will only get the kids to get when they move out of there controlling mothers home. If they don't want to come have you and your husband take them to lunch or something that isn't going to take them away from there social life. That is very important for them right now. If you want them for the weekend suggest that they bring a friend. It might cost extra to have an extra kid to pay for when doing activities but the kids will remember it as my dad and I always did...and so on...
He has to hold on and stay in there life as much as they will allow it for now. The kids will get it some day and will give you two the "sorry's" that you are seeking. It will happen over time. = |
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Your right she will never change, she is so miserable that nothing will change that, and when the kids see their dad with the new wife then they start to look to that like what is wrong with mama? DH asked me that why she lies to them and hates their dad and she talks about us when the kids are around. What goes around come around to her and when she grows old and the kids won't go over to see her, then she will wonder what she ever did to lose it all. In the mean time we are plannig our great future with vacations and loving times, the girls see that and they are at their best with us. We can't wait for the kids whent hey graduate to really start living financially, till then we will continue to save and we have more together than the financial.
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What a sad story. I am on the other side of this coin. My son's father recently married and had a baby with his new wife. We got along fine until she started causing trouble and encouraged him to file for custody (which he lost). Now we can barely be in the same room together and she starts arguments every chance she gets. I wanted Nicholas to have a relationship with his biological father, but having her involved changes things because it puts my 4 year old in the middle of all this unhealthy drama. My new strategy is to only deal with him because the truth is that it really is not her business anyway. As for your situation I would say that your husband should make sure the kids always know that he loves them and will be there for them, but even if this woman was not involved teenagers get to the point where they just want to be home and near their friends. He can always stay in touch through the mail and kids always love getting a card with a few dollars in it. That way they can have some positive contact and eventually they will mature and realize what a great guy their dad really is.
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Thats all the ex wives think about is send some money in a n envelope. There is the emotional bonding they need to share with. Maybe if the husband didn't want to fight for custoday he wouldn't. Maybe the new wife sees things diefferently that you do. Is your home clean and non cluttered. There's always a reason why men leave and usually its a pretty good one, even though the ex's are clueless and can't see her problems. All ex's are jealous of the new wives and I am sure you never said anything to provoke that did you?
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Ah, to read all of the above replies and actually believe that I am not alone... I met my husband a few years after his divorce, having not been married previously. He is a wonderful father who loves his children more than life itself and has been a regular presence in their lives, along with providing excellent financial support. We have been together almost 10 years, and I have two awesome stepchildren who I love dearly and who have been nothing but respectful and a joy to have in my life -- how lucky I am.. Things were wonderful (I'd actually say almost a perfect situation) until we had a child. Since the birth of my now 5 year old, life has been a rollercoaster of jealousy, and outright lunacy. I wanted to believe that maybe Mom would be happy that the kids were in a very stable ,loving environment, and surrounded by an extended family of Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, etc,...even on my side...who love and consider the kids part of the family. However, as time has gone on, and a second marriage has failed on her end, she is even more bitter that we have created a tight loving family unit. The answer is that there is really nothing any of us can do but be an examplary role model of grace under fire. I used to cry...oh did I cry...and felt so powerless over the control exerted and very childish, mean and outright desperate actions that have become predictable and almost funny. We know when she will strike, and actually now place bets about what it will be and when it will happen. In a way, it adds a bit of humor to a sometimes insane situation. In the end, what matters most is that the children are growing into two young adults who any parent could be proud of. While it is very hard to hold the tongue and not tell the children how much Mom had done and said to us, we take the high road and keep them out of the loop. Someday, these young adults will be full fledged adults who will look back and know exactly what was what. I want to believe that we reap what we sow, so if I have done my job as a Stepmom, someday the kids may actually put their arm around me and tell me that they were happy I was in their lives and as I age, they will treat me with the respect and love that I have shown them. It is really not easy, and Step Moms have one of the toughest jobs in the world because we always are sharing our worlds. In the end, give the kids the love and respect they deserve, and I firmly believe that it will not be forgotten. Mom's level of contact in our lives will diminish over time, so hold your head high and know that while you have no control over Mom, you do have control to not let the silly or mean actions come between you and your husband - there is nothing more that Mom would like to do than to come between the two of you. Don't let it happen.
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Ever think she feels you are trying to take her place with her children?
Keep in mind these might be your husbands children but you most certainly did not have them and you have no right to be thier mother = |
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Even though the husbands leave the wife and remarry, their had to be a problem with the marriage. Most 2nd wifes care and love the step kids like their own. Not they want to take away the kids but it happens. Sometimes step mom are better moms to the step kids and then the ex wives turn all nasty and all they want is the money. Some real moms do not deserve to have children and look at the court system how many men are now getting custody and the new wives are backing them up because the men feel they make better moms than the real moms. Jealousy plays a lot of the ex wives and they get vindictive. so deal with it and get on with your life instead of being bitter and vindictive. Its all about the kids.Not the ex wives!!
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ok Nancy get a grip on your self, grow up and put the past in the past. He thinks your an idiot and better clean your house because the kids complain to me about how nasty it is. I will call Dpt of Human Services on you again and again!!
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i feel sorry for you women out there.......
are any of you selling your husbands car by any chance? let me know lvp_riv@hotmail.com = |
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Dear mlevy396,
I am so thankful to find other women who are dealing with the ex-wife. I have been married for 9 months and since our marriage we have seen the kids a hand full of times. They live 3 hours away and the driving is to be split in half. She has refused to do her driving and since we moved to answer the call into ministery she has continually bashed us. We moved to a different state but are the same 3hours away in a different direction. We moved from a 3 bedroom home into a one bedroom apartment on the basis that we have the kids so rarely that is seemed silly to pay for extra rooms. There have not been to our home since August of 2007. Before we moved we had them in the house maybe 6 times that year compared to what we were suppose to have which was 12-14 times a year. Now please know this is temporary while we are in Bible School... However, she has attempted to tottally remove my husband from the lives of his children. And has made some major decisions regarding their health and medication and never told him about it. We attempt to still be involved and attend their school activities and watch them play soccer when she puts on a show and invites us to one of the games. She writes us amd c.c.s her lawyer and makes statements like " I am really worried about you (--------------), I think you may hurt me and my babies. You remind me of Jim Jones or David Koresh. I think what upsets me most is that she is so mean and cut throat about things and then acts innocent and as if she is endangered by him. It makes me want to puke the amount of drama she adds to things. We have been making the weekend trips to see the kids due to her refusal to drive, this is extremely pricey for us However, What is worse is we find our time with them is then limited to 5 hours on Saturday and 2 hours on Sunday before we take off. It is not ideal for any of us and is pointless when it comes to helping us create an environment that is fun and safe for all of us. Not to mention it is as if she is looming over us while we are there. "Protecting her babies" Anyway, Mlevy 396 I understand and relate to the pain that incures when the ex-wife belittles your husband. I too am married to a wonderful man and once school is finished our lives will change and we will have a home again. Some days I feel more upset about her and her deceitful ways then he does. But it is nice to know we are not alone.. Thanks = |
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When I was reading your post I could not believe it I felt like I was writing it. I am going through almost the exact thing except the boys are 11 and 14 and thier dad made a terrible mistake 4 years ago when they were getting divorced (which like you she wanted it) he gave her full custudy legal and physical and she said she would be very fair and but everytime he had a girlfriend she cause havoc for him. She then moved the kids away 30 miles to another town. He gets them everyother weekend but she plans so many activies for them he is on the road all the time then if he does not get them there to one of their scheduled activities she holds him in contempt. It has cause us so much money in the last 2 years. We have been together 2 years we just recently bought a house and are engaged to be married in April. She does exactly what you said she hates me she talkes bad about the Dad saying he don't want them. She has had 2 restraining order on him for no reason. She is bitter, angry, controlling and like you said she is the one who wanted this. I thought as the kids get older it would get better but it hasn't. I now don't know if I want to get married to this man because sometimes I think he lets her control our life every other weekend. I was married for 23 years and have 4 children and my husband cheated on me. I have forgiven him but it was hard but now I feel like I am being cheated on in a different way. I have no answers for you but I just want you to know I am going through the same thing and I just don't know if I should marry this man......The oldest child is starting to want to stay home because to be with his friends and hang out that is understandble but if he don't get the kids she says she will take him back to court for more child support. What does a person do.
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Lynn - I wish I could say that it will get easier - but it really is very hard. For years, I thought it was me, but I've been married for 7 years and it got steadily worse. Like you, the ex wanted out and asked for the divorce. She has since married again and divorced again and the more stability she sees on our end - the more she lashes out. Like you, I felt very alone and often told my husband that I felt like I was always on the outside looking in. Different from you, I had never been married before, and we have since had 2 children, but if I were honest, I wish I had known then what I know now. Even in the very best of break-ups, it is a very hard situation to become a step Mom and blend families. Somehow, even when the ex wants out (and in my husband's case, physically left my husband 2x before asking for a divorce) she can't handle that he has moved on, has a nice home, happy children, and she can't control every aspect of his life. I would by lying if I said I sometimes wish I didn't enter into this situation -- but I have two wonderful children and the best husband. Think long and hard about this, b/c the pain can only last for a certain amount of time. In my case, I have 3 years to go and then my step children will be going to college. The crazy things that she does to us will soon end. I also suggest that your fiancee can ask for a modification to the divorce order as well. If he wants joint custody, or even full custody, he has every right to go back to the court and ask. My hubands ex was basically trying to extort more money and sent numerous notes and made numerous calls, and when my husband said to her - if you can't afford the kids after you left me, I'll very happily ask for full custody. Amazing how all notes/calls stopped rather quickly. Call her bluff..you'll be surprised how quickly the situation will change.
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Grass is always greener. I wish my husband's ex-wife would stop sending her kids here and that we'd never see them again.
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The ex-wife for the last 20 years has made sure that the real father was not included in their lives. Husband never knew events that were coming up at school, and when he tried to find out, the ex-wife would call saying that she would take him back to court...blah blah blah and that everything he did would have to go through her first. She left after 8 years of marriage for a man who made LOTS and LOTS of money. Since then, children have grown up, but real father left out of everything. Recently daughters got married 1 year apart. Father could not afford to pay for wedding, but stepfather could, and daughters dance with him and not real dad. His feelings were really hurt, but he put up a brave face. The note cards given at the wedding bringing attention to who was who stated parents of the bride as being ex-wife and stepfather. then little note written by the bride thanking her mom and dad (again ex-wife and stepfather) for love and support. Real dad so sad but again,put on the brave face. how can I handle this situation and not feel angry towards them. They are still his children and he loves them very much
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I understand totally, i am a divorced mom and me and my ex get along great, BECAUSE we both know it is over!! They want you to be miserable just like they are!! My advice is the kids will one day see how "horrible" she and how manipulative she is. Just sit back and watch. Tell your husband you love him and to tell his children the same. Tell him to keep calling them and keep in touch with them. Maybe just pick them up during the week (if she ALLOWS) and just go out to eat. You can communicate so much over dinner vs. a movie or just coming over and them doing their own thing!! They will know in the long run. Tell him not to fight his ex, the more she sees he won't put a fight, maybe she will back off! Good Luck to you, going through the same thing!
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NANCY....
You are exactly what we are talking about.... I hope you find peace. Ladies always remember that you can be the better person... THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON THEY ARE THE EX = |
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I have been married for almost 3 years. We didn't start dating until 2 years after they were separated. His x-wife tried to stop his daughter from being in our wedding. We had an emergency court hearing 1 week before and the judge was furious and told her to get out of his court room. The week we came back from our honeymoon she slapped a restraining order on him and put his daughter on it. We again had an emergency court hearing and with all the evidence (we had a his family over for dinner the night she said he threatened her) that was thrown out. This woman can not be stopped. She does not get punished. Now 3 years later she's still at it. My step daughter's first communion was to be held on our weekend (we also have 40% custody so it's not every other weekend). She wanted to switch. He agreed that he would give up his Saturday night but after the first communion his daughter would come with us. She said no, she was HER daughter and it was HER thing. So now she switched the date of the first communion to her weekend and now this poor little girl will be making her first communion by herself with no one from her class. She's only 8 and already has anxiety because of this woman. He even said to her it would be best if she made it with her class. Do what's right for her. And she said no. She is so jealous and vandictive and does not do what's best for this little girl. Massachusetts laws favor the mother and there isn't anything we can do. This woman needs help and no one sees it but us. It's so sad. We pray that my step daughter will turn out okay with having such a crazy mother. She needs to move on. He's remarried, he left you for a reason - you're a nut.
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AMEN! The more I read, the more I am absolutely convinced that there is an ex-wife "sickness". It doesn't matter who left who or how much time went by --- if the husband moves on, the ex just can't handle it. The ex-wives just want to maintain absolute control at all costs, and it is such a shame, b/c the children are the ones who suffer the most. Been there almost word for word with what you experienced...even with a Confirmation. What I'm learning, is that I have no control over it - I'm just the second wife, and we are in a club all of our own. So, I try just to let her be the nut she is and not think too much about it, b/c the kids will understand what is going on one day - if they don't already. I've tried so hard to understand it -- and there is absolutely nothing that can bring sense to the madness we experience. Just refrain from reacting every time she does something - I believe that the ex-wives get pure enjoyment out of seeing the rise that it brings to the other family. After all, don't you think that they would like nothing more than to break-up another marriage. So much for the adage, if I can't have him/her - no one can. The psychology behind it all is that no matter what went on behind closed doors, if the ex-wife believes that they were totally in the right, they can't imagine that anyone else would find their ex-husband worthy...causes them to really re-evaluate their own actions time and time again, and they can't handle it. Hold your anger - don't react all the time - that is exactly what she wants. When you stop adding to the conflict ,she will die down as she is not getting the daily dose of drama that she needs. Be warned -- it will go on for a long long time - just strap yourself in and hold on for the ride...and smile more -- don't take her too seriously. The children love their Dad no matter what the ex says -- and one day it will come back to bite her in the you know where.
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To: A second wife 2----Good LORD your reply is the best thing I've heard all week. You've summed it all up in a nutshell. There truly is no rhyme or reason to the x's madness...they just are!! And..what you said about the x having to re-evaluate their actions....I think re-evaluate themselves as mothers & wives.... b/c another woman finds him worthy.... (bam) you hit the nail on the head there!!
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My husband is going to try one more time to see if his x-wife will let his daughter make her first communion with her class. He is willing to let her take her that day and stay with her after as long as he has 30 minutes for pictures without her lingering around. He also wants the time made up the following weekend. I'm hoping she'll agree but I would not bet on it. If she does agree she'll think she won. But in reality my husband is being the better parent to do the right thing for his daughter. It's all a game to her. Who can she hurt more. What she doesn't realize she's hurting their daughter most of all. It's so selfish. I do hope karma comes around some day and bites her in the you know what. Time will tell. We just need to be strong for his daughter and hope for the best.
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To 2nd Wife - Your husband is doing the right thing in considering the feelings of his daughter. The children are innocent, and it serves no good purpose, to put his daughter in the middle. He is being the bigger person and has every right ot be there and have 30 minutes to take pictures uninterrupted. - however, don't be surprised if this is turned down. I don't know your personal situation, but I am the 2nd wife who had never been married before, and we do have one child of our own. I have been with my husband 10 years this June (married 7) and have known his children since they were 4 and 5. I can say with certainty that I didn't always agree with how my husband choose to take the high road (he is such a calm and even tempered person who doesn't like the conflict), when his x was doing the most innane and insane of things. However, I can from experience tell you that I have two of the most well adjusted, wonderful step daughers, who have turned out to be great young ladies (15 and 17). We couldn't be more proud. I have learned that taking the high road does pay dividends. You probably want to just scream half the time with the insanity of it all -- trust me, I've been there. In the end, we always kept all of the craziness away from the kids and never spoke of what went on or said a bad word ever about their Mom. Divorce is hard enough on the kids -- they are entitled to live peacefully and love both their Mom and Dad - b/c they will and they do. I again reiterate that what the x is doing will only serve to harm her daugther in the long run - and she is just not smart enough to see past the emotion and selfishness on her part. My husband's x was the one who wanted out. It is mind boggling phenomenon that even 11 years after the divorce, and her wanting out, that she is so jealous of what we have together. It also got much worse after we had our own child - so I do warn you, that if you plan on having children, it will get harder. It has caused a lot of tension in our home -- and I always hoped and prayed that the x would have been happy that her children were growing up in a warm, loving, secure environment. I got married later in life and am a full-time working professional, but she will never understand the sacrifices that I have made as well to offer a loving home to all of our children. I never had the ability to stay home with my child, went right back to work, and have contributed to providing what we have.. All she sees is what we have, and it drives her crazy. She would never be able to step outside of her world to appreciate how good her children have turned out and that I have beena big part in helping them become the great young ladies they are today. It is a such a difficult position - but if you love your husband and your step-daughter, don't react. I've had to swallow my pride and step back - but in the end, my husband and the way he has handled this, I believe has been the primary factor for why the girls are the way they are today. The nonsense is still going on as the groping at what she can control is still there -- but certainly minimized now and definitely right out there for her daughters to see. They know the score. Get better, not bitter...a mantra my husband learned when he first got divorced - he believes it and I know it has worked. Good luck to you - I hope that it does work out. I thank God that I found this site - I've watched it for a while, but it is penalty free place to share with others who experience this and where I can actually feel that I am normal and it isn't me
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Thank you for your advise. I was also married late in life and this is my first marriage. I did know she was a Kook before we got married but we actually got along. Then a month before the wedding she just snapped. I really believe she didn't think he would go through with it. That's why we were in court a week before the wedding because she tried to stop my stepdaughter from being in the wedding. As far as him asking her if she'll let her make her communion on the original date, my husband doesn't think she is going to go along with it. He's having second thoughts of even asking since he's sure she'll just say no. And in her eyes it's her "control" I can do what I want I'm her mother. If it wasn't for him you wouldn't have your daughter. She forgets he had something to do with it. It breaks my heart that this little girl will have to make her first communion all by herself. That's what her mother doesn't understand. She's punishing their daughter. We know what she's going to say too. You couldn't make it with your class because you were with your father that weekend. She's done that before when there were birthday parties. We explained to her that if we knew about the birthday parties we would have taken her. It's so sad. I try to step back but it is making me insane watching what her mother is doing to her. She actually sent a message to my husband saying this is your fault because you wouldn't let me have her, thank your mother and father for raising such a selfish person. She doesn't get it. He's trying to do the right thing. Have her be with her friends and both of her families. The best part is she has 2 other children; when my husband was married to her and her older daughter made her first communion, she had her 1st husband over their house for a party which my husband agreed to because it was the best thing for her. When he mentions that she ignores it. See she left the first husband but my husband left her and she can't deal with it. I'm so frustrated. I really wish she could see what she's doing. Thank you for listening. It's hard for people to understand if they have never gone through this.
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Hi, first of all I want to start off by saying that my husband is a wonderful and devoted father to his children he has 2 children and 2 ex wives..... his son lives with us and his first ex wife is really no problem dealing with although she does make some bad choice when it comes to their son she really just minds her own business and lets my husband be a dad to their son.... however, the second ex wife she is a handful she controls every aspect of their daughter's relationship with my husband..... they had a lengthy custody battle and she would not allow him to see their daughter until it was resolved... Of course tempers escalated and eventually they put a no contact order on each other for harassment reasons she would call his work everyday 25 times she wanted him back but she was not nice to his son from the previous marriage and she caused a lot of problems between my husband and his first wife so that was the end of the rope for Dave (my husband) the custody battle started in 2002 and finally ended in 2006 it was the first time he was able to see his daughter in a few years. It was a gradual process but it happened.. she sleeps over finally and feels like part of the family... My husband and I had a baby a year ago and the bond between Mikayla and our daughter Madison is very strong Mikayla who is now 9 loves her baby sister but she is hesitant about loving her dad and the rest of our combined family..... She doesn't call Dave's dad grandma she calls her by her first name Dave's sisters are also called by first name and not reffered to as an aunt. She calls her step dad Dad and only just started calling Dave dad... Mikayla has since opened up to me and told me a few things that her mom has about her dad and I find them to be so inappropriate a solid case of parental alienations syndrome... For example Her mother told her that the marriage broke up because Dave had 3 girlfriends and he chose them over her and Mikayla.rums/divorced_family/N
ew_wives_dealing_w_the_ex_wife / = |
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Ladies, I have to join your party. Think our husbands were married to the same woman?! Nancy and Debbie, get a grip. Just because another woman loves and takes care of your child doesn't mean she is trying to replace you. The Ex wives should feel fortunate their kids are in good hands when in the other household. My husband's Looney Tunes X thought I was trying to replace her when we first got married 3 years ago because I had a great bond with his daughter. Seeing the kid was feeling torn between us (at 6 yrs. old she knew her mom hated me), I stepped back a little. Now the X says I never tried to form a relationship with the kids. It's a "lose/lose" situation whenever you deal with crazy people. I appreciate your entries, they make me feel like I am not alone. You're right, there's some sort of X Syndrome that they cannot get over. My husband was divorced way before we met and SHE CHEATED AND DIVORCED HIM! Guess she realizes what a good man she let go. Oh well, I guess I have to thank her for that.
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Hey, could you just imagine a ladies night out with all of us and a few bottles of wine?? Wow, it would be quite the interesting night? Like I've said, hang in there all of you....the kids grow up in a blink of the eye - do the best you can...To Trying To Cope - You nailed it too- it is a Lose/Lose situation - the parameters constantly get moved to feed the insecure mood of the x. Been there -- lived it --- it is nuts.
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Ah the X wives, some of us are not bad at all and move on in life. But, get caught up with your new husbands X. Don’t know about most of you remarried ladies, buy less I here from my X the more I like it. On the other hand, dealing with an X wife you can get fed up with. When my present husband and I married the first 2 or 3 years was the worse. She would call our home 10 plus times a day. What you are dealing with are women whom are loosing control. They are use to using their X- husbands to gain for themselves and not for their children. A lot of nice guys are taken advantage of by the X wives. May it be extra money or the support of their X’s, someone to talk to on their problems, borrow money. They know by them being remarried that they are in a loosing situation and are desperate to hand on. In my case, a nice restraining order to keep her from calling (one child by the way 16 years old is all they had) unless it was an emergency. The X wife does NOT need to be calling your home all the time. If you got a good man he is worth stepping up to the plate and backing the X off. My husband thought he owed his X because she was the mother of his child. He not only was paying child support, all medical bills, gave he money right and left on top of it and moral support. Well with another woman in the picture the extra disappear and this is what gets the controlling X worked up. I remember when my X and I were dating. I blew up one day and thought it was over. Just by saying to him “She is the mother of your child but, you don’t owe her a F---in thing. “my temper got the best of me. We were parked in front of his house and I thought that’s it lost this guy for ever. He was quite for so long. Then finally said, “I want to Thank You for saying that.” At this point in time he had been a bachelor for 10 years, we married the next year. This great man and I have been married 13 years. So gals hang in there if he is a good man. Talk with your husbands if they won’t support you, time to step back and look at your own life. Life is too short to be unhappy.
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Here's one, My husbanc decidest to take his 22 year old son out for his birthday and includes his x wife!! Yes we took him out too with our good friends, so why is it necessary to take him out again with the EX! And, they have been divorced fot 15 years!! There is more here than it appears!! AM I wrong??
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So, we've established that there is an ex-wife "syndrome". It is not made up in our heads..it exists. My husband has joint custody and sees his children every Monday and Thursday ...for years, it was Monday and Wednesday, and when the ex asked to switch to Mon & Thurs, my husband did it without blinking an eye. His wonderful girls are on the school track team, and due to some away meets, they don't get back to the high school until almost 8 p.m. - the time he would be bringing them home. So, he writes a note last week asking if he could pick the girls up on Tuesday for the 2 nights (yes, that's right) just two nights where the girls won't be home in time...and, of course as you could guess, the ex writes back "No"...and another note with "There will be no schedule changes". She then goes on to say that if my husband dares try to pick up his kids on Tuesday night, the cops will be waiting at the house - such a lame threat b/c it has absolutely no merit. This is a Dad who has been ever present in his kids lives, has never been late in dropping them off or picking them up and has never ever, been late on a child support payment. In the note my husband wrote back, he quoted the divorce order which says that "the husband shall have reasonable, flexible and liberal visitation with his children....she is so stupid that she actually wrote back that she is tiring of his "big" words - she is too dumb to even know that he quotesd the divorce order word for word and she is in direct contempt of the order. as also confirmed by our attorney. So, as we spoke several times today about what to do, it would be easy to keep the war of words going back and forth. But, this is not life or death - there are far worse things that could be going on in our lives and his girls are seeing first hand what their Mom is trying to do. Denying visitation will only serve to hurt the girls in the long run. I sat here for a good part of the day trying to think of the best thing to do to this constant "villain" in our lives - and the reality hit that there is absolutely nothing to do to change this. Let her seeth in her stupidity...silence is sometimes golden. Again, this is a woman who left my husband 2 x -- and for the life of her can't move on. She realizes that her mistake of letting such a good and loving man and father go was my gain - and her ultimate mistake in life. So, I sit her laughing now -- b/c as Trying 2 cope wrote - it is a lose/lose situation. I could write a novel - and perhaps may one day cash in from her craziness -- b/c it truly would make for good reading. There is a gentleman that was recently highlighted on a Primetime Live special, Randy Pausch. Randy is a Carnegie Mellon professor who is dying of pancreatic cancer and is living day to day, moment to moment - enjoying everything that he can. When I start to think that I should be thinking about how to solve this terrible ex situation, I step back and think about this poor man and his family - and I no longer care about what she does. In the end, nothing, and I mean nothing, is as important as the health of those you love who could be here today and gone tomorrow. Ladies, it helps me to focus on what I do have and just leave her in the dust and out of my thoughts. She doesn't deserve to rent any space in my head!!! If anyone wants to provide chapters to the novel I'm going to write..let me know..:)
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I would love to add to your novel. From every thing I reading it will most likely be many novels. What the X wives need to understand is they are hurting their children. I love my stepdaughter with all my heart and would never do anything to hurt her. Before we were married I spoke to the x-wife and told her I am not her mother - she has a mother - but I would never hurt her - only make sure she is loved and cared for. Well once she realized that this little girl loved me too - she couldn't take it. In her eyes, I have her man and her daugther. If she would only open her eyes and see that her daughter is healthy and happy when she is with us it would be better off for everyone. Now this little girl has a belly ache or a sore throat - all attention when she's afraid her mother is not going to like something. We just reassure her she's fine and 15 minutes later she is not longer complaining. We have no idea what her mother is telling her - but she's is damaging this little girl. As my husband keeps saying she thinks she's "Mother of the Year" when all she does is hurt her. UGH!!!! Why can't they just grow up and move on. Of course she would say she doesn't have feelings for him, etc. Well then if you didn't you wouldn't do the crazy things you do. And if you didn't you would be able to find a nice guy and hold on to him but you can't because you are still hung up on your X-HUSBAND. It's sick. All I want is for my stepdaughter to have the best life. We tell her she's a lucky little girl - she has 2 homes where she is loved very, very much. To bad her mother couldn't do the same. I hope and pray when she grows up she'll realize the truth about her mother. Right now she's just to little. All we can do is do the right thing.
You are right when it comes to them we are in the lose/lose situation. Hopefully the children will not be. = |
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Thanks, 2nd Wives (One & Too), it's good therapy to know I am not alone in all this mess. I am beginning my mission of "killing her with kindness" as we'll have the kids this Friday which is her night, so she can attend a funeral. Funny how she doesn't want them around me...unless it's convenient for her. As you said 2nd Wife Too, "she doesn't deserve space in my head"! Just sad that there are so many women out there that are so insecure and crazed. If they only knew the happiness they could have if they just stopped living in the past and grow up.
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To 2nd Wife & Trying to Cope - wow - I've made cyberspace friends in this crazy situation..:) Maybe this will strengthen all of our marriages, as we will have a place to share our stress instead of taking it out on our husbands and family. Don't know about each of you - but it is hard to always just let it roll off ....we have feelings too! The hardest part for me has always been feeling like I"m on the outside looking in and knowing that I have so little power to change the madness. We, the 2nd wives, just have to take it -- without any ability to give it back. And our poor husbands are like deer in the headlights, not quite sure what to do b/c if they are not hearing us say how unhappy we are about the wackiness, they are dealing with fending off the crazy x. Until the next drama unfolds....I hope you have a good rest of your week.
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To all 3 of you ladies----I've been involved in this situation so long...(14yrs)...I've learned to predict what the x will do next....and TRY to stay a step ahead. I guess I've become numb & very bitter over the years. Still....I do not let it affect my family, or how I feel about my step kids. I think I've found some sort of peace with it all these days. I still get frustrated at times...but...life is too short to stay that way.
We're past all the visitation issues...with my oldest sd being 22, my middle being 20 this year ...and, my ss 17. NO...my ss does not call or come to visit....he seems to live happily with his mom & sd in their home....my dh gave up years ago trying to see him. He got tired of trying to fight the "lose/lose" situation. The older kids call when they need something..which is ok...b/c at least we can hear from them without having to beg the x to see or hear from them. IDK how long you all have been in this situation...but...I can tell you as the child/children get older.(grow up)..the madness gets a little less. And..tho the kids have their own lives now (we're very proud of them) My dh says his x thinks shes Mother of the Year too.....but ... we KNOW...it took both homes to raise the kids!! The kids still on holidays/birthdays call & tell their Dad that they love him...the x cannot stop the love/bond between them. After all these years...all I can say is we did the best we could for them...at all times. I wish all of you the best..and pray you find some sort of peace dealing with all of your situations. It does get a lil easier as the kids grow up & are responsible for their own families. Hang in there ladies.....my dh was def worth it! = |
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Lory - thanks for your reply. I have been a Step Mom for 7 years..10 years with my husband, so long enough to laugh when you say that you can predict what is going to happen and TRY to be ahead of it. We take bets on dates when it will happen, b/c it is so predictable. I have to admit, I have 3 more years until both girls are 18 - and I am so looking foward to that day..and only b/c there will be so much less that the ex can pull. I have said it a few times, but the 2nd wives, are in a club all of our own..and I firmly believe that no one can fully appreciate or understand it, unless they live it. The kids may turn out to be wonderful, but it will always because they had a great Mom (or so Mom will tell them) ...I don't know, but if the girls had a stable life with us, with constant love, and good life lessons and examples, I think we deserve some of the credit too. We may never fully get the recognition that we deserve, but we KNOW what we have provided to the kids...and they deep down they know it too.
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Boy I could not only write a book I have enough material to write a sequence of books. Unfortunately by using the children as a pond the X only damages the children themselves. They are putting themselves before their children, in which a good parent would never do. My X could have seen or called, our children any time even though I cared not to ever have contact with him. Most of these women get the green eyed devil and only think of themselves, not the damage they are doing to their kids. Well a child has two parents good or bad. Like I told my step daughter I will discuss anything with you but, not your mother. Now that the children are all grown up neither X’s has any business calling us. Even when they are young I did not chit chat I got the kids right away or made the conversation short. You do not need to answer their questions on how the kids have been, how to raise them etc.. Your home is your business and an outsider has no right butting in. Take that control away from the controlling X. The X wife can try all sorts of crap by using the children. Hummmmmm wonder what the X’s chat room would be like for the present wives . You know the hardest years are when the children are young. But, ladies once they are grown it is up to them to keep contact with their fathers. Not the X calling and making arrangements. Also the children are grown and old enough to realize that they can not have Dad and Mom at all gatherings etc.. Yes at weddings and special occasions you will cross paths. But, not for birthdays holidays, etc. you do not let me repeat that DO NOT have to put up with the X calling coming by etc…time to put your foot down. Oh keep the X’s out of your home. They do not need to come in and see the kid’s room toys etc.. It’s your house….and once the kids are grown they really have no business in your life the X’s that is.
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I'm glad I found you guys...I feel like I'm losing it and need desperate advice. I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. We are going to be married in September. We truly love each other and I trust him...but then there is the "ex". They have a 5 year old and I love her dearly. She comes to our home every weekend. My problem is the ex wants to call him at work on the cell daily to chat. He feels like he has to be social. I'm sick of it. At his daughters b-day party it was awkward enough but then she starts asking him how to fix her car, where to take it, etc...It pissed me off. She called the other nite to see why her smoke detector wouldn't shut off. When she comes to pick up their daughter she hangs around and sits on the porch or whatever to chat. To make things worse is our home was their home before. We are not finanacially ready to move so I feel like I'm living in her house. I have started to check the cell bill to see how often she calls. I hate this cause it's not like me. I think he covers a lot about her calling because it creates tension with him and I. I'm about ready to give up but I desperately love him. Can u guys help me with what to do please! This is the only thing we ever argue about and I've gotten to the point of just shutting down and not saying nothing.
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Joy 2 - hi. First congratulations on your upcoming wedding. This is only one person's opinion, and I had never been married before marrying my husband. The truth - I believe that the "ex" situation will only get worse once you get married. I had a decent and fairly pleasant relationship with my husband's ex until we got married, but it deteriorated significantly after that and ever more so after we had our daughter who is now 5. Red flags go up all over the place when I see you write that she calls often, wants to have her ex fix her car, or recommend where to go, and hangs around on the porch. She is not over him, and still believes that this house, is her house. At all costs, I recommend to save what you can and move when you can to a place you both choose -- b/c you will never feel like this is your own life or home if you stay in the same house.. I honestly wish I could tell you differently, but this is a very very tough role to take on - Step Mom, and I would be lying if I said it will get easier. I will share with you the greatest of arguments and stress and strain over the years in our home, have been primarily caused b/c of the"ex" factor. I respect that you love your future husband tremendously, but don't shut down on talking about it or telling him how you feel. What you feel now will only build up if you don't get it out on the table and you are equally entitled to find happiness in your upcoming marriage. Suggestion - I did not do this, but wish I had. Going to a family counselor or someone who can help you talk through some of your concerns with your husband before you walk down the aisle, may be one of the best things you can do. I had no idea that it would be this hard -- I had a clue -- but getting some professional advice and counseling,, would have been money well spent. It is, bar none, a very tough dynamic dealing with an "x", who no matter what the cause of the break-up of the marriage was, does not want her ex-husband to move on or find happiness- it will kill her. Read as much as you can, and seek advice - not telling you at all to not do this, but make sure you are fully prepared for the reality of what is to come. I wish you only the best!
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Thank You 2nd wife for answering...I'm in tears cause it eats me up inside. If I don't shut down and hold it in then it leads to an argument. I'm tired...so tired. I didn't mention it but she left him...has been remarried then divorced after 2 months. She acts all sweet but I can see thru her...I can't confront him about knowing about the calls all the time cause then he'd know i've been looking at the bill and think I don't trust him...I do but I don't trust her...God I want to think it gets better but it hasn't so far...I would confront her but then I don't want her to know I even care. I want to marry him but not like this...I feel very lost over this. Thanks again
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Joy 2 - You deserve happiness. I hope this all works out for you. Please seriously consider speaking to a family counselor prior to the wedding- even if it is just you - and explain the situation. You shouldn't feel so torn up inside - this should be a happy time. My husband's ex also left him and got remarried and is divorced a 2nd time. I'm sorry to say that that | |