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my husband and I have been maried for almost 4 and together for 5 years. At first his ex hated me. I mean hated me. They were divorced before I ever meet him, but I understand that I can be hard for women to acept that some one eles is going to be in their childrens lives. However about 6 months into the relationship she wnet through some stuff and there wasn't any one to help her, so i did. She appoligized for the thigs that she had said to me or about me or did to me before. We also started to get along which is awsome , because me and my ex always got along. After this she didn't come around much even though she didn't live that far away. When she did we offten had her come over to eat dinner with the kids or something like that. But she was going through a time where she was going out a lot and didn't see the kids to much this lasted for about 3 years. During this time we had to bend over backwards, stay up late or change are plans when she wanted to see the kids, which was annoying but hey they are her kids and when she wanted to see them I wanted her to see them. Well we bought a house this summer and it is even closer to her then are others were which we were never more then 15 min. away, now were about 2 mins way. and we have the internet so she is over alot. She is alos seeing the kids much more not just here but taking them to her own house. Before she would go weeks to months without seeing them now she takes them a few days every week. and I have to deal with her being on the internet at my house when I get home from a long day at work. She acts like it is her house getting into the fridge or trowing her coat on the floor, or asking if we have anything good to eat. This is all stuff that i had to dea with before but it wasn't so often so I would just bite my tounge. But it is a lot now and my tounge has just about been bitten thru. Also with her taking the kids more she ( which you sould think would be great, but is realy getting them off their schedule. Like she dosen't do their home work that they are suppose to do or it gets left at he house. She will take them out late on a school night and then they have trouble the next day at school.She gives them I know she is their mom but I feel like she is tearing down what I worked so hard to achieve with them.Remeber, she wans't around much for almost 4 years and Im not to sure that she will keep being a part of their life, or if she will go off agin and start seeing them few and far in between.It was hard when they cried for her when they were little. Then they stoped and it was hard to get them to go with her. Now they go with her pretty good. I don't want it to start over agin. please help what can I do?? Her in the house all the time and her and the kids?. Please no one say that they are her kids and I am not their mom, becuase I am not trying to keep her away from them just doing my best to keep them from getting hurt. Or the things we have had to deal with because of her becuase of her. Sorry this is so long had to get it all out. ↓
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| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 6:55 PM |
| Hi girli_bird---So sorry to hear all of this. Gosh this is a tough one. Obviously, she has taken your hospitality for granted. Perhaps you and hubby can sit her down that you both have something important to discuss. First off, you both have noticed the children are struggling with their school work. Tell her the late hours has is affecting them with their schooling. So, before things get progressively worse, both you and hubby discussed that establishing a regular routine for the children would help them tremendously. Set up an arrangement that if your not home when the children get home from school, ask if she wouldn't mind watching them until you get home. Tell her that you or hubby will come and get them say around 5:00p.m. so that they can eat dinner, complete their homework, bathe and bedtime. Then, if she wants say one night during the week to spend more time with them (on Wednesday evening) tell her you will pick them up around 8:00p.m. so that you can get them home, bathed and in bed. However, if she is willing to keep them during that time, she needs to make sure they have completed all their homework. Then on the weekends, ask her to give you ample notice if she would like to spend time with the kids. Perhaps you can alternate the weekends. This way a more established routine would help you and hubby with any future plans. Tell her that this would be so much easier for everyone. Now, in order to keep her from inside your home, you could make up a story that you have been having a reaccuring nightmare about a stranger lurking around your home, entering the house and trashing it. So, just to give you peace of mind and for the safety of everyone, you are going to have the locks changed to the house. Tell her that you would like for the children to go to her house afterschool and you will pick them up when you or hubby get home. Explain to her that you an not trying to take her time away from the children but you would prefer she spent time with them at her home. Explain that having this kind of arrangement would be in the best interest of them. Tell her that when you come home, you would like to have your own quiet time to be able to wind down from the day. I, too, feel I need my own personal space. I don't know if what I suggested may help but I certainly would tell her that it's very beneficial for the children to have a regular routine. Explain how lately, things have been sporatic and your more of a scheduled type person. Ask if should wouldn't mind trying this arrangement out for awhile. I do hope things get better for you and your family. I sympathize with you completely. You want to be able to come home without a so-called guest present, right? Discuss this with your hubby and see what you could work up. Please let us know if things work out. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 7:57 PM |
| Sounds to me like there needs to be some law and order put in motion. She should not be at your house when you get home or when she has not been invited. That is YOUR house NOT her house! The kids staying up late and having trouble at school is something that needs to be addressed immediately too. Kids need proper slep every night! I think their mother is immature and has alot of growing up to do. I think you need to get some visitation going that is more normal and regular. Like she gets the kids every other week-end and one evening during the week and half of all vacations. She should not disrupt your life by popping in and helping herself and taking the kids whenever it's convenient for her. You have got to put a stop to this mess for the childrens well being,and your own sanity! You ALL need stability,the kids most importantly. ↑ |
| Name: girli_bird | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 11:08 PM |
| when they got a divorce, the child arrgenment was made. My husband got custody of his two youngest chidren, well they got joint custody and he got primary care giver. The oldest child isn't his bio child but her father isn't and has never been in the picture. so my husband didn't get custody of her because he had not addopted her. So while their divorce was in process he didn't get to see her at all during that time. After it was over his ex started to let him see her a little bit at a time. By the time I came around she was over as much as the other two kids. And it is still like that exsept when she has used her for leverage becuase we don't have any legal right to her, but that was in the begining.Any way I have talked to my husband and told him that since she is going to be apart of the kids lives agin that it should go back to the way the papers say it should be or atleast to set up some type of arrangement so we can plan things.But he wont say anything that will set her off. Which I kinda of understand becuase I have seen her rath before. Plus he dosen't think that it will last so he does not want to start problems if he doesn't need to. The kids are on a tight schedule mon- thursday becuase of activites and home work. She doesn't want to help with that stuff just the fun things. She really acts like the "fun aunt" And with the homework we have talked about it before, had lots of parent teacher conffrences. She talks alll through the meetings like she knows what is going on with them when she has no clue what they can do or how they work best. It's like she thinks becuase she is the "mom" she can do or say what ever she wants and we have to bow down to her. like giving us advise on how to do school work with the kids or that it is our fault if the kids are having trouble even when she isn't helping them. Or telling us what things we should make them for meals, but when she has them she gets them tv dinners or lunchmeat all the time. But I just get to take care of the kids, cook for them, do school work, and drive them places. I am like hired help! More then anything I am upset with my husband that he wouldn't respect me enough to not let things happen that he knows are going to really bother me. ↑ |
| Name: island222 | Date: Jan 31st, 2007 11:28 PM |
| Hi girli_bird I am wth tweetybird4 on tis one, talk to your hubby, andn then talk to her, she can be in your house all over the place, like a crazy person, she needs to have some respect, it seems like she is a little bit crazy and not focused on the kids the way she should be.... Good luck ... hope everything works out. ↑ |
| Name: tb4 | Date: Feb 1st, 2007 2:53 AM |
| Well, you can ask your husband, who he wants more upset....you or her? If momma ain't happy, no ones happy, right? Just tell him that something has to change because you can't handle her being inside your home. Granted, you don't want make her upset that causes her to fly off the handle but she has no business butting in your home life. Since your husband is the primary care giver and your his wife, he needs to work things out for the best interest of everyone. Or, you could ask a close friend if you could hang out at her house for 1 week after work so that your husband will have to come home and do it all. I'm sure after about two days for you not being there, he'll get the hint. I'd just tell him that your not doing all of it anymore if he doesn't stand up to her and make an arrangement that you all can agree on. Have him explain to the daughter that things are going to change around your home and he may not be able to see her but he still loves her. See what he says about that. If not, I'd start disappearing for lengths at a time until he gets the hint. I do hope things work out and wish you the best of luck. ↑ |
| Name: girli_bird | Date: Feb 2nd, 2007 2:18 PM |
| I guess she figures since her life style is so much busier then ours( going out and travaling) she should get them when ever she wants. She didn't see the kids so much before becuase she was always "out" or "busy" with friends. She still gets the kids when she isn't busy, it's just that she isn't as sought after as she once was.I guess I think she sholud paln the trips and going out around the kids not get the kids when she isn't busy, that way we could have some type of schedule. And another thing when she goes out of town any where from a day to 2 weeks, guess who has to feed all of her pets( she has a lot) Well she tells her oldest child to feed them. but we are the ones that have to make sure she gets it done and she doesn't even ask she just calls and leaves a message on her way out of town. ↑ |
| Name: Serina S | Date: Feb 2nd, 2007 2:37 PM |
TB4 always always great advise you too Lizzi & ladies.
I think if you approce it like You thinkit is great hat she has been seeing the kids but It would be great if you all had a schedual because the late night have been efecting the kids and school and homework. Ya know less of an attach
Save the opening the fridge annd her messy ways for later both at the same time Ithink will stear it toward a bad conversation.
And yes ypu should say somthing about thattoo but later.. Like like if the coat is on the follr ask her to hang it in the closet or if she is in the fridfge Say would you klike somthing to drink. Do not invit her over to eat anymore ...to easy for someone to fell like it is ther home. You could say You are weird but Ya do like it when people go in your fridge and cabinets.
Sort of weird onmy part but I just moved in and my sister came over & started cooking for her daughter with out asking me. I was trying too cook supper. She was opening cabinets drawrs . I thinking what the hell are you doing. But I said ya need something cause I am trying to make a meal for everyone...she got it ...Emily 4yrs old want rastina and my sister took the bax I had thatI was going to use for our meal with the veggies.
Grrr I love her dearly but STAY OUT OF MTY kitchnen
Very best of luck!!! ↑ |
| Name: Serina S | Date: Feb 2nd, 2007 2:41 PM |
Oh and jhust tell her if she is going out of town you need to know in advance if she needs the pets watched. I would be very helpful.
Also do not be wishy washy about a schedual it is mandtoy for you and the kids.
If his X just stopped by oh man War War III for sure ↑ |
| Name: Renea | Date: Jan 21st, 2008 10:15 PM |
| HOLD ON! The ex is at the house on the internet? If I read this right and it's alot to read, she needs boundaries. It's your house and YOU regulate the rules noone else but you and your spouse. Make rules and let everyone know. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy here. It's for the best. ↑ |
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