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My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have no kids together but he has 3 from a previous marriage, and I have one. We got evolved shortly after I had gotten out of a long term relationship. He had also been “casually” seeing his ex wife. Things moved rather quickly. Before I knew it we were married. I often feel like we got together because we liked each other but got serious because it was best for the kids. I’m pretty sure that neither one of us would have put up with all we have if there wasn’t kids evolved. His kids’ mom was not the best mom or was she around much. My child’s dad has never been that reliable. We saw in each other all the things that we most wanted to raise the type of family we wanted. In addition he had gone through some rough patches with his divorce and his credit wasn’t the best so the utilities had to all be put into my name. Shortly after we met we moved in together, and I quit work on his request, so as though I could raise the young kids and better blend every one as a family. I had insurance through work for me and my child, but it only last for awhile after you are no longer employed. So her need for insurance was another thing that sped up the marriage. Now here we are 4 years later and I can barely stand for him to touch me. This has been going on for all but the first year. We always fight and he says mean horrible things to me. I’m not saying that I don’t ever say mean things to him but he is far worse, he tries to make me cry or make me mad. He demeans everything I do. He tries to make me feel dumb, like when I talk about something he will never believe it is true. He will have to call his ex wife (because she is sooo smart), his family, or even his young daughter because they are all smarter then me. In his eyes, I never work as hard as his does, or am I am not equal part of the family because he makes more money then I do. I get up every day at 5AM, to go to school 5 days a week an hour away, and work on the weekends. I am the one that deals the most with the kids and house work (which yeah it has slipped a lot this last year or so). I am usually up until 11pm or later. On the days that I get home earlier then the kids, I use to take a nap. But he started coming home and calling me lazy and every other name in the book because of it. He goes from telling that I am gaining weight or making a disgusted face at my body, to telling me that I am beautiful. He expects me to be intimate with him when we have been fighting all day. He talks about many of his ex’s and how they were this or that even though I have asked him not to. I have to deal with is ex wife all the time now. When I say deal I don’t mean like normal dealing. She comes to our house to watch TV or get on the internet. She gets in our fridge like it’s her house. We have to watch her animals when she goes out of town. We have to bend over back wards for her when she wants the kids even though until recently she hardly ever saw them. She usually won’t do school work or feed the kids, but wants to tell us what I should feed them or cook for them. She has stayed at my house after I left at night to watch movies when I had to go to work, and the kids were already in bed. She will buy my husband gifts, or has come to our house on his birthday or our anniversary and stayed for supper. I use to try to be calm and tell him about things that bothered me, but He would always say if you don’t like it there’s the door. So I have become this mean hateful person, at least to him and I hate that. He is not physically abusive and he is a hard worker and is way more evolved then most dads I know, but I just don’t feel loved or valued at all by him. Another thing that really bothers me is that with my daughter being the only one from me sometimes she gets left out. The other kids get to do fun things with their aunt or grandma, and sometimes mom or they get bought things that we can’t really afford right now. I try to compensate, but my husband says that it isn’t our job to do that because it is from there moms side they are getting these things so my kid’s dad should buy her things. Which is true, but if he won’t do it, I don’t think she should have to suffer because of it. With the kids mom more evolved in their life, and his credit mended to the point that he could have things in his name, I really think I want to leave but I feel so bad to leave the kids it would be hard on all of them. I wanted to believe that we didn’t get along because of the money issues but there are so many more issues here, and I am not sure they can be fixed. I don’t know if I am just expecting too much from a relationship and I should just deal with the way things are or if its time to get a divorce. ↓
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| Name: Lizzi | Date: Feb 14th, 2007 8:40 PM |
| Honey you need to stop being this mans doormat and get the hell out of there!!!!! Be thankful you don't have kids TOGETHER and take your daughter and GO!!!!! This mans an asshole and you deserve SOOOO much BETTER and I think you KNOW this! Do what is right for you and your child and GET OUT NOW!!! You will be much happier in the long run and so will your daughter!!! Don't be like some women who stay in a relationship miserably for all the WRONG reasons! Do yourself and your child a FAVOR and get out and don't look back!!!!! I think him and his ex(s) deserve each other! Don't suffer any longer,get out now and start over with just you and your girl,PLEASE! ↑ |
| Name: girli_bird | Date: Feb 14th, 2007 10:07 PM |
| i love his kids like they are my own, and as much as theysay not to stay in a relationship becuase of the kids, I don't know how I would live with out them. Plus I am the one that does everything for them. they were 2, 3, 7 when we got together and I have pretty much been the mother figure in their life. ↑ |
| Name: girli_bird | Date: Feb 14th, 2007 10:33 PM |
| i know there not my blood children but i love them. I remeber times were the youngest had just gotten done spending the day with his mom. Well remeber i said she didn't see then much. When she droped him off she was telling me how wonderfull there day was and how much fun they had, and he comes up tto me trying to whisper and says "I don't want to go with that lady any more" He didn't even connect that she was his mom. Even now he doesn't believe that his mom and dad use to be together becuase he doesn't remember before me. Plus when I met him he was still in diapers and couldn't talk.. I worked so hard with him. More then one time the second to the youngest I had to give to the mom with her tears becuase she didn't want to go with her mom. That broke my heart. And the oldest has had such a rough life any way being shiped from place to palce during her parents divorce becuase my husband isn't her bio dad, and the mom wouldn't let him see her while they were going through a divorce. So she lived with her gramdparents.( the mom still didn't have much to do with them then) When my husband and I got together the mom didn't like me so when ever she was mad she would use her as levergae and be like well she coming to stay with me. That wold last a week or two then she would be back. She just found out in the last year that her dad wasn't her real dad. She never understood why the other kids got to stay with dad during the divorce and she didn't.We have seen a lot of improvement in her attitude since she found out like she understands that it wasn't her dads fault that she didn't get to stay with him. She is always talking about how things were before I came along and how they are now.. Like getting to have birthday parties, or freinds spend the night, getting to be in activites, what kinds of foods the get to eat now. It was hard for to addapt to another kid but she has came a long long way with that too. I feel like if go I am leaving them to fend for them self. Plus I would miss them greatly. Then there my daughter, she is use to having these sibblings now. She would be so sad. ↑ |
| Name: Sunshine1 | Date: Feb 15th, 2007 11:49 AM |
Those adults in your family need a good whack upside the head! You accept and love his kids but they leave your daughter out? Would it hurt for them to bring her a small gift too or spring for an extra movie ticket? Do you want your daughter growing up thinking verbal abuse and being treated 2nd best is the right way to live? Your husband actually calls you lazy, ugly, and fat?? God help me!!! Kids will live the way they were raised. How will you feel when your little girl marries a man that treats her the way you are being treated? Doesn't she deserve better? Don't YOU deserve better?? If you can't get hubby to see that what is going on is WRONG...GET OUT NOW!!! Maybe try counseling if you are determined to stick it out but this guy sounds like a real jerk. You only need one ass and you were born with it attached to the top of your thighs. You DO NOT need two asses nor do you need to stay married to the second one!
Get his Ex out of your home NOW! Let her eat out of her own fridge and let her pop a movie into her own DVD player. God made an Ex an Ex for a reason. If God had meant for an Ex to be your friend, he wouldn’t have made her such a whack job in the first place. Sorry for the tirade but your situation just hit the wrong cord with me. PLEASE just do what is in the best interests for your little girl. ↑ |
| Name: maryjane4175 | Date: Feb 15th, 2007 4:30 PM |
girli bird,
This sounds just like my first marriage. My ex & I went through the same thing except for the previous marriage and kids. My ex & I had 2 kids together, but after about the 3rd year we do alot of fighting, & I crendged when he touched me. I hated hearing the sound of his voice. I would work as much as I could just so I would not have to go home to him.
Please don't take this in the wrong way, because I don't want anyone to divorce, but in my experiance, when thing are that bad, they are only going to get worse; sometimes, not all the time. I fell into a deep depression, because I thaught I was stick in the situation. Leaveing him was the best thing I have ever done.
Darlin, the hardest part is actually leaveing, because it's a big change. ↑ |
| Name: girli_bird | Date: Feb 15th, 2007 8:31 PM |
| the kids's mom and her sister do sometimes bring my girl something. Such as a shirt or a toy when the other kids bring things home. It isn't near as much as they get but It nice they get it for her. Which is so cool becuase they don't have to. There grandma even payed for her to go to camp. It is just for the majority of the time the other kids get things and do things that she dose not get to do becuase the aunt takes them quit a bit and they do fun things every time and go shoping. I want to be able to make it even. ↑ |
| Name: girli_bird | Date: Feb 15th, 2007 9:04 PM |
| I am also scared of the change in the way people will view us becuase right now I think people in our small toen looks at us and say "they are a good family". As unfair as it would be, I don't think it will be the same if I stay here and get a divorce. I know that you shouldn't care about what people think about you, but it does matter what other parents think about you when it comes to them letting their kids interact with your kids. I know what your saying makes all the since in the world, but I just don't know if things would be better without him. I think that my girls dad has pretty much decided that he isn't going to be a dad anymore. WE are use to having the kids around, as my kids and her siblings. He is her dad pretty much. When he says that it's not our job to buy her things to make up for it, it isn't becuase she isn't his kid. It is becuase he thinks that kids just need to learn that life isn't fair and to deal with it. He had told his kids that when their mom first stoped coming around, "thats life kid, deal with it" That is just how he is. I am realy unhappy with him but I don't know if my child and his children would be better with or with out us together. I am very very torn, and I realy hate my self for getting envoved, for not being stronger, for especting to much. I am not that confident in my self, I don't like to be alone. I don't know if I could get better then this. I don't sleep at night becuase I am so upset about money issues, marriage issues, school work, and the kids. I have pretty much shut down. I don't even know if I am sad any more or just blank. I don't have any one to talk to. I have no close friends, and my mom adores my husband and has only liked me since I have been with him. My dad this november, and he was the only person in my family that i felt loved me. I am in nursing school so I have to learn about all the things i wathced him go through. I just didn't learn them soon enoguh. It would all be so much easier if i had some one. I wanted it to be my husband be when ever I talk to him about anything he isn't very caring. ↑ |
| Name: tb4 | Date: Feb 16th, 2007 3:07 AM |
| Wow girli_bird, you do have alot on your plate!!! I hear your pain loud and clear. I'm sorry! I wish your life could be easier. Your husband has lost sight in the real importance......YOU! Speaking from experience, I can tell you that you will probably never get your husband to respect you the way you want. If he truly loved you whole heartedly, he would be willing to work on making a change for the betterment of your relationship. After 4 years, you would think that your relationship would blossom into a loving family unit. Unfortunately, things are not going to get any better unless he changes. You have to try and work things out that are best for you and your daughter. If you feel you are unable to communciate with your husband chances are you won't be able to in the future. I'm so sorry but I was in a similiar situation as you. However, I didn't have any step children involved. I put up with all his belittling and demeaning comments for 12 years. As the years progessed things just got worse. There was constant fighting and it turned me into someone I didn't like anymore (a grouchy woman mad at the world). I'm not saying this is you but I, too, felt depressed. No matter what I did, I felt like I was just a physical body inside the home...nothing more. Until one day, I realized I had to make a change for myself. I had to try and find myself all over again. I ended up divorcing but was so scared and worried about the children. Hoping they would be okay with my decision. 4 years later, things turned out just fine and as I look back on it, I worried too much about silly things. It isn't right that your daughter isn't getting fair treatment like the rest. When you both married, you all became one complete family. No one should be left out or shrugged just because they are not biological. Your husband should be ashamed at his behavior and his thinking as such. It's not her fault, her own father isn't there for her but that's where your husband decided to step in and be a dad to her through marriage to you. As for the step children, well, I'm sure they will always love you and appreciate you in every way possible. It's very hard to continue in this kind of environment but you have to ask yourself if it's fair to the children to stay in a relationship based on the way you feel. Only you can decide on what to do. Believe or not, children do recover alot more easily than us adults do. I'm sure the children will always appreicate the things you do for them whether you do decide to stay or go. No, your not being selfish if you do decide to leave. You don't deserve the disrespect your getting from your husband. They only thing I can suggest is that you sit your husband down and tell him exactly how you feel. If he becomes aggitated with you, then you know he's not willing to make things work. The marriage is given and take and when one partner is only taking and not giving only creates more misery that's hard to bare. But before you do try to have a talk with him, you need to have a plan on what you want to do next. Always prepare yourself in whatever you do decide. Never leave yourself hanging. This will save you much heartache in the long run. I don't know if I've been able to help or offer you anything of value but I certainly do feel for you. I wish you well and hope for the best. ↑ |
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