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| Name: Cris | Date: Mar 20th, 2006 7:11 PM |
| So the question is what is most important to you. Should your baby be around arguments and physical arguments? Is that what you want your child to learn? Children learn what they live also although so small and new the stress of this atmasfere diffinately will affect your child. It is very hard to take a baby and leave what you know. I had to do it when my 4 year old was 6 months. There are ways and help is available. It has been my experience that once things get physical once it is only a matter of time before it happens again regardless of what is said or agreed. Hope this helps keep your chin up and remember it is your job as a mother to protect that beautiful baby boy. ↑ |
| Name: heather | Date: Mar 20th, 2006 7:24 PM |
| thats what i think to myself also..is it better for the baby not to have both parents or parents that are together but cant get along? i know the answer but im scared to work things out because i think theyll just stay the same after we talk about it. ↑ |
| Name: Ashley | Date: Mar 20th, 2006 7:26 PM |
| I have been in the same boat as you, my ex got my preg at 17 he was 22 and we had only known each other for 3 weeks before i got preg. We didn't fight that much until the baby was born and then everything fell apart we almost got into a couple of physical fights and i tried to kill myself and ended up in a mental hospital for a week (standard procedure when you try and kill yourself here in vegas) when i got out i finally got my head together and realized that it was worse for my child to stay and see us argueing not to mention for my own well being because it was affecting my parenting. I went to stay w/ a friend in California my ex wasn't happy about me just up and leaving him but i had to do something. He wasn't ready to be tied down and have a kid. He came to visit once and begged and begged for me to come back and we would get married. So because he was the father of my child I went back w/ him anyways nothing changed and he ended up cheating on me which just made me feel even worse. I finally made the decision to leave him for good and i didn't have a job a car or a place to live. My best friend let me stay w/ her ex boyfriend cuz he had an extra room and i left my daughter w/ my ex until i could get a place of my own. I found a job about a week later and walked to work every morning. My friend had introduced me to his neighbor who was about a year older then my ex a very nice quiet shy guy we hung out a couple of times and he offered to take me to work i said ok and he offered to pick me up and so i let him,come to find out he had a space not connected to his house that i could rent for 500 a month so i took it and continued to work i saved up enough money and got a car, then called my ex and told him i was ready for Laelah full time. I wasn't worried at all he wouldn't give her back because he didn't want the responsibility and i finally felt stable enough to take her back. she was 6 months old. It was the hardest thing in the world not having her w/ me and motivated me everyday to do what i was suppossed to. I ended up going on a few dates w/ gerry ( my neighbor) because he was just sooo gentlemanly like and he loved my little girl, he had met her before she moved in w/ me because she would come and stay w/ me on my days off my ex would drop her off. I ended up realizing that I was never in love w/ my ex I just thought i had to love him because i had his child. I found out what love was when i fell for gerry we have now been together for 3 1/2 years and are expecting our first baby together. My lalelah calls him daddy and my ex even likes him!! He thinks that he treats his daughter well and that she has a very good stable environment. Things were rocky at first w/ my ex and gerry but they both realized they had to grow up. I am so glad that I went on my own because i never would have found my true love. My life gets better every day and i dont regret the decision i made 3 1/2 years ago to leave my ex. God has a plan for us all and i believe in the end it all works out for the best. Don't tie yourself to him cuz he is the father of your child. If you don't feel like the love is real and wasn't rushed then you should take a chance there are alot of single moms out there. If you have family in another state you should really consider moving in w/ them for a moment just so you can get on your feet. You have to know someone not just your boyfriend. You knew people before you met him. If you have any questions feel free to ask. You are also probably suffering from postpartum depression which was what i had, the baby blues, but if an arguement is getting physical and you only knew each other for 3 months before getting preggers then i would rethink our situation. Remember i was 18 to, NO MONEY, NO JOB, NO CAR and i did it so can you. Think of your happiness and the babies. ↑ |
| Name: p.c. | Date: Mar 20th, 2006 11:04 PM |
| depressed, you need to leave. Seriously. When the physical abuse border gets crossed it never ever gets better, it always always gets worse. Always. The domestic abuse studies have shown that less then .25% (that is less then 1 man in 400) men stop their abusive behavior. You will have a 'honeymoon' period now. He will vow it will never happen again. But it will. I spent 8 years with a wonderful man, but he was also abusive after the first year, starting out very slowly, and progressively getting worse, and I was getting more and more used to it. Before I knew it, I was seperated from all my friends and family either through his doing or mine because I didn't want them to see what was going on. In time I thought there was something wrong with me. But it wasn't me, it was him. "depressed", it is good you are not married, this will make leaving easier. I know you are scared, I was 19 when I choose to stay with my (now) ex., and I had no education beyond high school then, so I know your fears. But every day I regret staying! For when our daughter was 6 he started calling her a 'little bitch', and I knew then that it was only a matter of time before he started to hit her. It was how he dealt with frustration. If you stay, your son will learn that this is how you treat women. And when he is a teen he will treat you, his mother, like his father does. Is this what you want? Stop the vicious circle now, do not let your son be raised in such an environment, he can still have contact with his father, but you deserve much better. And so does your son. I know you love him, there is nothing wrong with loving this man, for I am sure he has many good qualities, but there is something wrong with him throwing things around or hitting you, or whatever it was that happened. Especially while you are still recovering from being pregnant with his child! Towards the end of my pregnancy with our second child, my ex started to kick me in the stomach! He never would have dreamed about doing that 3 years previous, but that is how bad it escalated. Then he blamed me, because I made him mad. Don't believe it will get better. It won't. And the longer you hold on to this relationship, the more difficult it will get. Can you not move back with family? A cousin or someone, even if it is out of state. Is there some church group you were associated with, either now or in your youth? They may be able to help you find a way, if you show them you are earnest. But the work will be on your shoulders. "depressed" no matter how difficult it is to leave right now, I can absolutely promise you that it is a whole lot easier then what your life will be if you stay! Take the route that is easier in the long run, the one that is also best for you and your son. Leave him. You HAVE to get away! Move out to Minnesota, my friend moved there when she was a single parent and through the Harriet Tubman people she was able to figure out how to attend college while on public assistance and using student loans. After she graduated, she had a whole lot of loans, but she also was able to get a good job and was much better off. I don't know if Minnesota is still like that, as that was about 10 years ago. There is nothing wrong with using public assistance to get you on your feet. That is what it really is designed for, for people like you and me (when I was younger). I myself ended up getting help from my mom, which was hard for me to do, I had to swallow a lot of pride. But it was no longer about me anymore, I had my children to put first, and I grew up fast, and I never ever regret leaving, I only regret waiting so long and putting my children through it. I harmed my daughters so much by letting them witness such things in their early formative years. Years of counseling has helped, but it would have been so much better if I left at 19. The only way you should take him back is if he goes through a SERIES of anger management classes and the two of you get counseling together. If he doesn't think your relationship is worth repairing after you have moved out, that is telling you how hard he is (not) willing to work. This time together right now, is the easiest in your life together. If he cannot handle it now, he is certainly not going to be able to handle it later when the real problems start. Please keep in touch, 'depressed'. I'll support you every step of the way with words, unfortunately that is all I can do with the internet. You deserve better. A good man is out there that will be a good husband and father, and every minute you spend with someone who harms you, especially just after you blessed him with a beautiful son, is not a good man to be with, no matter what other wonderful qualities he has. ↑ |
