okay this will probably be a long post...i'm sorry but i really need some help and i dont' know what to do.
my husband and i have been having problems sinse...well sinse before we got married lol but for the past year it has been really bad. we moved 1 1/2 hours away from where we lived (where i grew up, near my family and friends) and moved up here to where he grew up near his family and friends....
see when we met my husband was heavy into drinking and drugs and i told him if he wanted to be with me he had to stop all of that. so he moved in with me and got away from all of his old friends and life style and quit all of the bad crap.
we moved up here to help with his parents. they were both very ill and need help. his father passed away from a heartache in april and his mom is still pretty bad off.
but anyway ever sinse we moved up here the bad stuff has started up again. not as bad as it was when we met but now he eats vicodin all the time and spends 1/2 his pay check a week on lottery tickets...to the point that most weeks we don't have much to eat in the house and our only car is about to be repo'd. back in december i told him that i was going to wait until the holidays were over and then i was going to leave him. then on january 2nd i found out i was pregnant with cole. so we talked and he said that everything would change and i decided to stay.
in february, after a month of being straight about everything, he left to go and get the brakes changed on the car....5 hours later he came home broke, high, and drunk! i was so upset! i called my dad who drove 1 1/2 hours to come and get me and the girls and we went to stay with my parents for a week. after a week randy had swore that he would do whatever he had to do to keep from loosing his family if we would just come home. my girls were upset because they missed their dad and my parents just kept telling me that even though we could stay there as long as we wanted that running was no way to fix a marriage. so we went home....
things were pretty good for a couple of months and then his dad died....everything got really bad for awhile. he was high all the time. i found out he was taking anywhere from 25 to 50 vicodin a week and all the money he had said was going to bills was actually going to lottery tickets.
at that point i was on bed rest because of all the problems i was having with my pregnancy and i just couldn't leave...i was stuck and he knew it....so i told him that as soon as cole was born i was taking the kids and i was leaving.
things kept on this way until about a week before cole was born. when he broke down and told me that he didn't want to loose his family and that he was never going to do these things again....
and once again i was stupid enough to believe him. everything had been going great ever sinse then. i actually thought that things were getting better...
then last weekend i was figuring up the money and realized that there was $30 missing. i asked him where the money went and he said he bought a few lottery tickets like it was no big deal. i freakin' lost it! and he acts like it's no big deal and tries to tell me that he thought as long as it wasn't a lot of money and he only did it once in awhile that it would be a big deal and that i need to get over it...this was on my 5th wedding anniversary by the way...
then last night before he went to work he was acting kind of funny and i asked him if he had any pills and he said that he had taken one and had two more just incase he got a headache or something...again not understanding why i'm so upset saying again that he didn't think it was a big deal to take them every once in awhile as long it isn't an everyday thing!
i don't know whether to just give up on him and leave or what. we have been married five years and have 3 kids together...i do really love him i just want him to stop all this crap and start putting his family first...but is there any hope for that when he wont even admitt that he has a problem? i'm so lost and i don't know what to do. i don't want to rip apart my kids home and family if it can be saved but i don't know how to save it.
sorry this is so long but i really could use some help. ↓
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| Name: lacirrom | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 4:00 AM |
here are the two options i have come up with
1-i could tell him i'm leaving in two weeks (thats when i get released from the doctor and can go to work) then take the kids and move in with my parents and get a job and just give up on him and get a divorce
2-make him go to counsiling and start showing reciepts for everything-EVERYTHING- so that i know the money isn't going for lottery tickets...but the problem is...if he doesn't think that any of this is a big deal and that i shouldn't be upset then he's not going to think it's a big enough deal to get help for it either. you see what i mean?
i'm really confused and upset right now. i just wish someone had the answers! ↑ |
| Name: lacirrom | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 4:01 AM |
| alright i've got to go to bed....maybe some one will have some advice for me by morning... ↑ |
| Name: FatallyYours | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 6:10 AM |
| i say number 1. once a loser. always a loser. ↑ |
| Name: Daisy-UK | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 7:00 AM |
You obviously love each other, but this has been going on for over 5 years and I think the best thing is probably a temporary separation and keep it that way until he has proven he has changed so I think you need to take both your options and mix them together and just hold off on the divorce until you're 100% sure.
I know your children will be hit hard but it's just going to be harder if they are subjected to the situation more. I would put to him the things he needs to change in order for you to come back and make it clear you won't until it's done.
I don't think he's a loser, just has made some bad choices and needs to prioritise his life.
I'm having some issues with my husband at the moment. When he comes home from work, he goes straight up to his computer. Will come down for dinner and then back up. No play time with our children and he's very hard on my older son. Last night he locked the door and my son needed to put his bike in the garage. He wouldn't unlock the door for him and told him he should have put it away when he came home. I see it as he looks for the opportunity to have a go at him and he's just turned 13. He also expects me to do all the housework which I don't mind, but what I do mind is that I have to pick up after him like a baby and shouldn't have to. I pretty much feel like a single parent and have told him if things don't change, I'm moving back to the states. So we'll see, I'm giving it till Christmas. My children come first.
I hope all goes well for you, my hubby and I will be married for 5 years in March and change isn't instant.
God bless hun ↑ |
| Name: lacirrom | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 1:06 PM |
well i just told him that in two weeks i'm going to take the kids and go. and he said why two weeks and i told him because thats when i'll be able to get a job and he said "yeah right. like you'll get a job. you'll just sit on your butt and wait to collect your child support" and then left.
i'm so upset right now. i can't stop crying. why does he have to be such a dick? how can you have a wife that loves you and three beautiful kids and just throw it all away over nothing? what kind of person would rather pop pain killers and spend all their money on scratch off lottery tickets than have their family?
i feel so bad for my kids! i'm a horrible mom! how could i let this happen? they didn't ask to be born and now i've screwed up their lives right along with mine. my poor babies....
i'm sorry. i'm rambling...i'm just so upset rigt now and i don't have anyone else to talk to. ↑ |
| Name: lacirrom | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 1:16 PM |
it hasn't been going on for 5 years though. things were fine before we moved here. the whole time we lived in anderson/lapel things were fine. i mean we argued and stuff but everyone does. the whole lottery ticket/vicodin addiction didn't start until we moved back up here.
i think the thing that pisses me off the most is it's his mom that gives him the drugs! what kind of mom does that? i can't imagin ever doing anything that i know would hurt my kids and possibly even ruin their lives. ↑ |
| Name: lacirrom | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 1:18 PM |
| believe you me if i do leave i'm going by his mom's on the way out of town and letting her know exactly what i think of things she does.... ↑ |
| Name: zoey9810 | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 1:21 PM |
| well hen you need to have a few words with his mother!!!!!!!!!! ↑ |
| Name: Emma2 | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 1:22 PM |
hey...i usually stick to the sahm forum, but i just wanted to say that you aren't a bad mom...this isn't your fault. he needs to get his priorities straight and obviously the only way that's going to happen is if you prove him wrong...talk to your parents and start packing...move out even before the 2 weeks is up if you can and start looking for work....... prove him wrong.......you can't make the relationship work on your own and he's showing no signs of working on it... maybe it'll take seeing that you're serious to get his ass in gear.
sorry to butt in -- just wanted you to know that you shouldn't feel like a bad mom...he's the one making stupid choices, not you. ↑ |
| Name: zoey9810 | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 1:23 PM |
| and you need to do that before you leave, like now! ↑ |
| Name: lacirrom | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 1:27 PM |
| i've talked some to his mom before. i told her to stop giving him the pills, that he is addicted to them and they are ruining our marriage and she'll swear to me that she wont give him anymore pill ever again. then the next time he goes to see her without me and comes home with a pocket full of pills. i've even said stuff with both of them there together and randy and his mom tell me that he's done taking them and it's all just lies... i don't know if would make much of a difference though even if she stopped giving them to him. he's told me before that i should be glad his mom gives them to him because if she didn't he would just go and buy there off of someone else and then we would be even more borke than we already are. ↑ |
| Name: Double_K | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 1:37 PM |
you are NOT a bad mom.
If you put your kids first and make the best of this situation---everything will be okay for them.
As for hubby---I would make drug counciling a MUST! He has an addiction and needs help. I can't beleive his own mother would feed into that--that is sad. Even if you stay or not, there are the kids, they don't need a dad that is high all the time! ↑ |
| Name: zoey9810 | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 1:40 PM |
| well then you need to get the police involved then, shes giving them to him, they are not his, thats illegal! ↑ |
| Name: 04nidak | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 2:36 PM |
In my opinion you need to really leave, not just threaten to go, but really go. I know you've gone before, but this time needs to be different. He obviously needs to get help, counseling or a treatment program or something, but until he's ready to quit everything it won't do any good. He has to want this too! It sounds like when he was living with you before you moved to help his parents he was doing good, maybe you should consider moving again, I know his mom is still not well, but something needs to change. With him being on pills (and maybe something else) he could snap or whatever and you don't want your kids around that.
I say you tell him exactly what it will take to make your marriage work, what you expect of him (ex, counseling/treatment for both drugs and gambling, show receipts until trust is back, etc), and then you leave. Once he can prove to you that he's in counseling or whatever (a note from doctor or something to prove it) then maybe you start couples therapy and eventually move back home once you completely believe he's a changed man. I'd lay out your expectations of him and stick to them no matter how hard it is on you and the kids. It may take time, once you are gone and he realizes (again) that he misses you and decides for himself that things have to change and gets help, don't expect it to happen overnight because he has to really come to terms with what he's doing to his family. You'll have to be patient.
I hope things work out for you! ↑ |
| Name: lacirrom | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 4:13 PM |
if i can talk him into counsiling and getting receipts for everything do you guys think i should still leave? or would that be enough?
i'm going to tell him that he has the next two weeks to do certain things to keep us here...if he doesn't have them all done in the by then we're leaving and moving in with my parents-almost 2 hours away.
he needs to-
get into counciling. i know we don't have any money but there are alot of churches that offer free counciling. he needs to start going at least once a week to get help with everything....once he gets thoughs things under control then we need to start marriage counciling.
get direct deposit of his pay checks. then i get the atm card and check book. if he does get cash to go buy ciggarets or something he needs to bring home a receipt to prove where the money went.
me and him and his mom all need to sit down and talk. i will tell them that if things dont stop that i'm going to report her and not only will she loose all of her insurance and SS but they will both end up in jail. ↑ |
| Name: amy2 | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 5:27 PM |
| very sorry to hear ur troubles, he def needs counselling, addiction normally has an underlying problem, we use drugs, drink etc to cover up hurt and pain, does his home town have painful memories? my partner is an addicted, he is in recovery, he has been clean 4 yrs. buti can garuntee you if i asked him for receipts and that he would not be impressed. ur hub needs to sort himself out, its about tough love, you and the kids come 1st, addicts only care about themselves when using, not saying he dnt love you and the kids, but it all about him till he can admit he has a problem and get it sorted.and you are not the 1 who is tearin apart the fam neither is he, his addiction is!!! its an illness at the end of the day. he must get sorted b4 he gets worse and loses his fam. WHAT IS HIS MOTHER AT IS SHE ALRIGHT IN THE HEAD. no offence ment. hope u will b ok, every thing will work. keep strong put yourselve and the kids 1st, they will understand as they get older if you do leave him. how could any1 blame you. ↑ |
| Name: lacirrom | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 5:44 PM |
his mom has always been this way...when he was a teenager she would go and buy his cigs and beer. she new he kept all kinds of drugs in her house...at one point when he was like 16 i know that he used her kitchen canisters to keep his coke in and she knew about it and did nothing! he used to deal out of her house. his dad would help him chop up weed to sell when he was young too.....i know...his parents were messed up. i know thats a lot of the reason he has the problems he has. when we lived away from everyone he was fine. and no he wont move away again because then his mom would be left here alone and she can't even drive to go to the doctor or the store. i know that deep down he is a good guy, i've seen it. thats why i fell in love with him. for the first 4 years of our marriage he was a good man. we went to church...we were even the youth leaders for a long time....i see when he is playing with the kids...i see his face light up and him seem happy again for alittle bit....
man there has to be a way to fix this...i want back the man that i married...not this guy that he has become....
it's just i feel like i just keep going in circles...i tell him what he need to do to fix things and he does them....for a few weeks, and then we're right back to where we were. it's to the point that i don't know if anything will ever work. maybe the only thing that will work is to just leave him. i tell him all the time that one of these days he's going to wake up and be all alone and think "man, what the heck did i do? i threw away everyone that loved me and now i'm all alone!" ↑ |
| Name: question | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 6:33 PM |
sorry life is so tough for now...
look up and you'll see a brighter day on the horizon. ↑ |
| Name: amy2 | Date: Sep 28th, 2007 6:33 PM |
| sounds like you need the help of a professional, if you havin got that mch money, try get adv 4rm a charity org, you said you both were involved in youth program, sure their b some 1 with connections. how would u feel 2 move away 4rm him 4 a bit keep your ownhead clear, at least then you would be bac hme with your fam n friends im sure they would b happy to support u.then try convience him to go to counselling to save the marraige. if my partner ever touches a drug again he is out n he knows it too. ive cn so many fams go through so much because of addiction. one of his close friends was clean 3 yr went back using his wife through him out because it wasnt the 1st time he had bn clean and went back using, he got clean again 4 six mnths, but there was no chance of her taking him back, he just outa treatment again.u can only live day by day!! thank god we doin well goin strong, he thanks god every morn n night. ↑ |
| Name: lacirrom | Date: Oct 1st, 2007 1:13 AM |
well, heres an update...we didn't get to really discuss things this weekend. he worked friday night and then saturday we got up and came down to my mom and dads for the night.(this had been planned for awhile) so we never talked about anything.
then today when it was time for us to get ready to pack up and go home emma starts talking about how she wants to go stay at her gmas. so randy says maybe it would be a nice break for both of us if him and emma went to stay with his mom for a week and me and cole and gracie stay here for the week. so i agreed. so we are here until friday and then him and emma will come back and pick us up....so maybe this week apart will help us figure everything out. ↑ |
| Name: amy2 | Date: Oct 1st, 2007 4:32 PM |
| hi lacirrom, hope it works out, hope you enjoyed ur break and been on ur own well i know you still had 2 kids with you but i bet you got some time 2 think, well keep us posted i really do hope you n ur fam come tru tis difficult time soon. x ↑ |
| Name: lacirrom | Date: Oct 1st, 2007 10:19 PM |
| yes so far it has been nice, like a little vacation, because even though i still have cole and gracie with me there are 4 other adults living here that can help with the kids plus i don't have to do all the work either. i mean at home randy does try to help with the kids but he works third shift, 60 hours a week, 6 nights a week, so even though he does help when he can he doesn't have much time that he is at home and awake...so most of the time i'm the only one taking care of the house and the kids 24/7....so just have other people here to help, even just like holding the baby while i use the bathroom or take a shower or something, is really nice. i even started cleaning the house today and my dad was like "you don't have to do that" and i told him i was getting bored. i'm used to taking care of kids and cleaning all day every day so just sitting around was driving me nuts! ↑ |
| Name: mariac | Date: Oct 4th, 2007 8:22 PM |
| I am so sorry for you, but in my opinion he is not going to change. If he doesn't want to loose his family? what are you talking about, he lost it long time ago. The first time you gave him a second change and he bluew it, he lost the family. If you keep saying that you are going to leave him is he doesn't change, but you don't, why??? because he changes for a week or two, then back to his stuff? Girl be strong and if you really love him, make him change. not by treats, but by actions. If you have someone that can lend you a hand, take it and leave him. And when he comes back crying be strong and make him proof to you that he is clean and that he change, not by word girl, do it for your kids. He can always come see the kids and if your kids are old enough to understand explain to them in their own language that Daddy needs help and the only way he is going to get it is by you guys standing strong. I went thru a similar thing, not alcohol or drugs, but iresponsability and girls, and now my husband is straight as an arrow. Year it took me a some time to make up my mind and when we got separated and he saw that I was for real and that there was someone else inline waiting for a chance, he realize what he had and how easily he was going to loose his family for his careless ways. Good luck and we are here to give you support. ↑ |
| Name: lacirrom | Date: Nov 8th, 2007 3:12 AM |
hey i was just wanting to update everybody on whats been going on.....Randy has been clean for 4weeks now, no pills, no gambling. he has been going to counciling for 4 weeks also. things are going alot better now and he seems to be serious this time. he gets no money. his check is direct deposited and i have control of all the money and bills. we've also started going back to church which i think will help him alot. so yeah, things seem to be going pretty well. i mean, it's still hard money wise because he had us driven into such a hole. the durango got repo'd the weekend before halloween so that really sucks but we are trying to get his truck running and my dad is letting us borrow his jeep for the time being so we are getting by....i'm starting to slowly get the bills caught up and hopefully we will be able to have a nice christmas for our kids.
i just wanna thank everyone for your support and being here for me to talk to during this really bad time. hopefully things have really turned around for good this time. but please continue to pray for me and my family and especially randy!
love you guys!!!! :) ↑ |
| Name: aron | Date: Nov 8th, 2007 5:49 AM |
my heart really aches for you as i understand the situation you are in and i have had the simular situation first hand. I was lucky though i put my foot down and told my husband if he does not get into rehab then there is no more family that he can call his. He went into rehab and has been sober for 3 months now. He still gets cravings but does not act on them and life is so much better with him being sober. I understand your worries about your children as i had the same problem but stay with him while he was in that state was hurting my kids more than it was doing good and that is y i made the decision i did
i am so glad he is clean and i wish you all the luck and happiness in the world ↑ |
| Name: lacirrom | Date: Nov 8th, 2007 5:30 PM |
| thanks...things really are going sooo much better this time. he also knows that if i ever find out he's taken a pill or bought a scratch off, me and the kids are gone, right then. i told him i don't care if i have to get them all up in the middle of the night and leave with them in their pj's, we're gonna and he said he understands. ↑ |
| Name: amy2 | Date: Nov 13th, 2007 5:43 PM |
| hi lacirrom, so glad to hear things ave improved, i do hope you are looking 4ward 2 christmas and you's ave a great1. he's a lucky man, hope he relises how much you love him. ↑ |
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