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Sorry if this is so lengthy but I'm looking for some serious advice. My son and I got into a terrible fight on the Friday of Mother's day weekend. He shoved me into a wall, called me every name but mom and called his dad to come get him. I'm been divorced for a year and have residential custody over all three children. My son has told his sister, he's wanted to try living with his father but I didn't know how serious he was. Well, here's the problem, the ex has absolutely no rules in his house. He allows the children to do whatever they want with out any responsible parenting. Once his dad got to my home, I explained to him and the police about our son's physical aggression towards me and the other children. The ex claims that kind of behavior doesn't happen in his home. Well, little does he know, I have a journal written in school by our 7 year old that his brother had choked him with a rope. Our daughter has complained that her brother uses her as a punching bag. When he's questioned about his behavior, the ex tells her that's just how kids play and our son lies about ever doing anything wrong. Our son grew up in an abusive home with his father hitting me. After 12 years of marriage, I decided to divorce. I know my son has been angry with me over the divorce. I'm sure he feels, I've turned his world upside down. Meanwhile, his father keeps telling all the kids, I broke up their happy family to be with another man. Ok, that's not all true. I didn't met another man and establish a serious relationship until after I filed for divorce but there were other issues in my marriage as well. But my ex feels just because I have another man in my life, he wants to make my life miserable. Our son has struggled in school and could possibly have ADD/ADHD. I'm planning on getting him into counseling on August 16th to find out if that's the case and to help with his aggression. Back to the story....my son was only suppose to be gone for the weekend stated by the police to be with his father so he could calm down. Well, on Mother's Day my son presented me with a gift and cried while telling me how sorry he was about our fight. Then the ex said he was going to keep him for a week, two, so on and so on. Now, the whole summer has gone by with no one on one contact with my son. I've talked with him on the phone or seen him when my ex picks the other two children up for visitation. However, everytime I try to get one on one, the ex denys or avoids it. Then, my ex serves me papers that he wants to change residential custody of our son. He claims our son wants to live with him permanently and since he's been living with him, he doesn't feel our son needs any counseling what so ever. He feels he is just fine and the only issue he had was with me. He claims I've hurt him deeply over the fight. Ok, am I suppose to think my son doesn't want anything to do with me ever? When my son was suppose to stay with me during my scheduled week vacation in July, he wouldn't get out of the truck. He said he felt uncomfortable. When I asked him why, he wouldn't say. Then he started to cry! My ex said I shouldn't make him stay if he didn't want to. He wouldn't do that to any of our children. He claims our son wants to visit with me but he's afraid I'll make him stay permanently. I've explained that if he wanted to go back to his fathers, I would allow it. But, I've still been unable to communitcate with our son. Yet, the courts tell me when any of the children don't want to go to visitation with their father, I have no choice to send them or I could be held in contempt of court. I have a strong feeling that the ex and my dad are telling my son he doesn't have to come back and not to listen to anything I say. They label me as a piece of crap. I feel if I was such a terrible mom, then why did the other two children cry and came to see me while they were on vacation with their dad? I must be doing something right? I want to give all the children a good responsible life and if our son lives with his father, he won't get that. My heart bleeds for him and I'm trying to reach out to him the best way possible. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. But I feel he is being poisoned against me like being told I don't want anything to do with him. I can understand a 13 year old wanting to live with no rules but life is all about rules. If my son truly didn't care about me, he wouldn't cry, right???? I feel like such a failure as mom. I only want to do what's best for him. Unfortunately, the law states we can't request a custody change until two years after our divorce. It's only been a year. So, at this point, he has no choice but to come back home. I'm afraid he's going to make life a living hell once he does come back. He's a good kid when he wants to be. His teachers comment on how polite he is in school. He does display some of the qualities I have taught him but he's not thinking with a clear head. I am hoping counseling will help him. His father will be furious with me when he does find out I took him. I can tell you, he doesn't want the truth coming out about him being physical. Will there be light at the end of this tunnel? Will my efforts do any good or is this going to be useless? I can tell ya, I use to go easy on him until this happened. If and when he does come home, I will no longer put up with his behavior. He's always been treated with the same rules like everyone else in my home. Does anyone have any suggestions? ↓
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| Name: Lizzi | Date: Aug 12th, 2006 2:41 AM |
| It sounds to me like you're son is caught in the middle of something he doesn't want to be a part of and your ex is to blame.I truly feel sorry for your son because I think his head is seriously being messed with by your ex. I think your son and possibly all of the kids probably do need counseling although your ex probably has or would train them on what to say,or else they just wouldn't open up at all. You may even want to consider involving child and family services so that they could see how the kids are living at their fathers vs. your house and their viewpoint of things.They may feel the kids need counseling also and have a recommendation of where the children should reside. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 13th, 2006 12:53 PM |
| Lizzi---Thanks for your comments. I totally agree with you. I'm glad to hear that my thinking is on the right track. At first, I thought I was the crazy one but have had a lot of people tell me I'm not. I'm going to try counseling and family services might not be a bad idea. I will try looking into it. I'd have to say that my 12 year old daughter and 7 year old son, feel much more comfortable in my home than their fathers. My youngest son has been very talkative when he's home with me. I get the feeling that a lot of negative comments are made that the children are afraid to talk about in fear of hurting my feelings. Yet, this damn ex doesn't see things like this. He doesn't care. It's a shame. However, I believe they won't forget these comments and when they become adults, they will probably tell their father to fly a kite. While they are on his vacation visitatation time, they cry to come back home or expect me to call almost everyday. I do at their request. Yet, when they are on my vacation visitation time, they do not ask to see or call their father. Children have a way of expessing themselves. They have very creative minds that we sometimes take for granted. Anyways, thanks for your concern, I do appreciate it. It certainly helps me with alot of my emotional feelings. ↑ |
| Name: loveguide | Date: Aug 14th, 2006 6:21 PM |
| YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. just remember that. my parents also got a divorce, I felt like the whole world was falling apart, like my mom didnt care anymore (even though she did) and that my dad never wanted to see me again (which was the truth). its hard. But rules and limits saved me. My mom was loving but set a lot of firm rules. I went through counseling and found that I was depressed and I often just blew up. My advice is to try and keep your son away from your ex. Do whatever you have to (legally of course). Make sure to always let your son know that you love him and try to give him some attention (thats probably why he is causing all this trouble) but dont treat him better than the other kids. If you need any more help you can email me at [email protected] . Remember love can solve anything. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 16th, 2006 11:19 AM |
| To Loveguide---Thanks for your advice. I'm taking my son to counseling today. I do hope after several sessions, he will be able to open up. He doesn't like to speak his mind. All I get is, "I don't know!" When I asked him if he would like to attend my wedding this coming Saturday, he stated he wanted to go and would feel bad if he didn't but he's afraid of his father and grandfather ridiculing him. I'm sure they say a lot of negative comments to him that he doesn't like hearing but in fear of making them angry, he will go along with whatever they say. Even though, his father has stated to me that our son would feel uncomfortable being in my home, my son has not shown any signs of being uncomfortable. He has come to me with hugs and kisses telling me he loves me. Sometimes his hugs are very strong and last. They aren't just quick hugs. I believe if he truly didn't care about me at all, he wouldn't be doing those things. He seems very content being here. It just so sad for me to see him going through these emotions. I know exactly how he feels because it took me several years to stand up to my father and ex. In a way, my son has a heart just like me. He doesn't like confrontation and will go with the flow. He is a very polite young boy, his teachers and other parents comment to me on how much of a delight he is. I can only hope I'm not too late in trying to help him to stand up for himself. He knows what's right and wrong but is afraid to admit it. I do love him dearly and sometimes I feel I may smoother him too much. Yet, he doesn't seem to mind that I do. Thanks for listening and sharing. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Aug 16th, 2006 1:09 PM |
| Hi pj754! I'm so glad that your children have you to love them like you do,they need that comfort and stability in their lives. Your ex has no clue as to how he is affecting them. If he makes them afraid of him then that could affect them into adulthood to where they have anxiety around male authority figures which could result in things like shying away from a job or quitting a job because they are so intimidated by their boss or other employees which could in turn even lead to depression as well as anxiety and end them up on medications like anti-depressants and possibly even disability because the anxiety prevents them from holding a job. For your childrens sake mentally,I wish there was a way they didn't have to see him at all if they didn't want to.Mental abuse is as bad if not worse than physical abuse in my book because those "bruises" don't go away,in fact they seem to haunt you your whole life. ↑ |
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