I DID NOT WRITE THIS:
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Strategy #1:
"Don't You Have Aything Better To Do?"
This is the mother, the queen (king?), the numero-uno of all internet argument strategies. Nobody can lose an argument with this old stand-by in place. Whether you are cornered, or feeling like you can't argue a valid point because you have none, the old "you just don't have anything better to do" stand-by is a viable strategy every time. Whether someone has given a bad review to a fanfic you wrote,whether you're a persecuted internet minority (like furries or vorephiles) being mocked, or whether they've just presented an argument that's far too intelligent for you to understand, hit them with "you just don't have anything better to do!" and send them reeling. They'll be so busy trying to figure out what your point is that you'll be able to switch the argument around to something else before they figure it out. If they're exceptionally intelligent and point out that you are participating in the argument just as much as they are, there are plenty of other arguments you can fire at them, which we will cover in the rest of this paper.
Suggested Usage:
"You obviously have nothing better to do if you're spending your valuable time arguing with me."
"I feel so sorry for you. You must have a terribly boring life if you have nothing better to do than (hack my fanfic/tell me I'm crazy because I have sex with rabbits/say you don't like my website/etc)."
"You must not have anything better to do if you're looking at my site/fanfic/naked pictures when you don't like it anyway. How sad."
Conversely, this argument can be used in the opposite manner, that is, implying that while they have nothing better to do, you most certainly do.
Strategy #1:
Sub-strategy: "You Have Nothing Better To Do, But I Sure As Hell Do!"
(Also known as: I Have More of a Life Than You, and My Life is So Much More Full Than Yours)
Once you've deflated your opposition by revealing to your opponent that they have nothing better to do, you can then use the second part of this strategy and let them know just how busy you are, and how much of your valuable time is being wasted while you argue pointless inanities with them. Once they realize how many important things you have to do other than argue with them, they'll run away crying to their mothers, in whose basements they surely live.
Suggested Usage:
"Well, this is extremely interesting, but I have to go study my Arabic now. I'll see if you little folk are still here when I'm done. Then maybe I'll reply."
"It's been a blast, but I have a 10,000 word essay on the European Socialism to write by tomorrow morning. Toodles!"
"The more you post, the angrier you get, and the longer your posts, and the more you prove our points for us. Me? I'm chillin' and taking a break from work. This is great fun. What's your excuse for being at this board 24/7?"
"Wow, I had no idea you were that desperate for conversation. It's called dinner with my boyfriend. You're free to stay here and stew in your rage filled-hatred. I was simply hungry for dinner. Shrug. He's a fellow architect and we're working on drafting our next project while eating dinner at the computer which has the CAD program we're using to draw up the 1st tentative draft. Please continue. Your hilarious posts are stress relievers and we all need breaks
Strategy #1: Sub-strategy 2:
"You Must Be So Bored/Your Life Must Be So Empty"
This is basically the same strategy, but with a twist. This is a great tactic, because it can be used the moment your opponent puts any effort whatsoever into the argument. Whether it be a long reply (or really, ANY reply), taking the time to photoshop an image, to research an argument, or posting at an incriminating time such as a weekend or right at dinnertime (you may think dinnertimes vary, but participants in any of these strategy must recognize the universal rule that Everyone Online is American). The moment any evidence of effort is present, you may use this tactic to its full advantage.
Suggested Usage:
"That one card-like picture up above is hilarious. Hilarious not only in the fact of what it says, but in the fact that someone would take their time to make such a picture."
"My, but you must be bored to make such a long reply."
"I can't believe you'd actually make the effort to respond to me. This clearly shows that you have no life."
(note the brilliant segue back into the "You Have No Life" argument).
Strategy #2: "I Am Almost Certainly Smarter/Older Than You"
The wonderful thing about the internet is that no one can see you, and if you play it safe most people can't verify anything you say about yourself. So even if you're 12 years old and arguing the issue of abortion with people old enough to be your parents, you can still state that you are almost certainly older than them. This will intimidate them and catch them off guard. You can also declare that you're smarter and none of them will be able to prove you wrong.
Suggested Usage:
"I'm assuming all of you are under 12, so I won't waste my time with you."
"I was quite surprised to find that you're out of grade school!"
"I am almost certainly older than you."
"I'm smarter than you by a lot, so you'd best not worry about it."
Strategy #3:
Compare your opponent to a Nazi or other fascist organization
If you are the subject of ridicule and can't think of a convincing argument to defend or justify your rather eccentric stand on things, this strategy is a great stand-by. You may be a furrie being persecuted by would-be KKK members who don't want to accept that the beliefs of others sometimes include wearing a teddy-bear suit and masturbating to pictures of lizards laying eggs. You may be a pedophile who wants to assert to the world that they are "just misunderstood and actually love children". You may be a member of a secret, stalker-ish cult who believes that David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are meant for each other[2] and will stop at nothing, not even the murder of their respective spouses, to get them together. No matter what the reason for your ridicule, remember that you can alkways compare your critics to fascist dictators to get your point across. After all, they are persecuting you for your beliefs. We live in a free world, a world where people should be able to sexually molest animals and children if they want to. Don't let the Nazi-Fascist bastards get you down!
Suggested Usage:
"I can't believe you're so closed-minded that you can't accept the views and beliefs of others. Do you attend Nazi rallies on weekends?"
"Your inability to see my sexual attraction to animals as beautiful and natural is surely on par with the practices of Al-Quaeda."
"You're just a closed-minded bigot. David and Gillian are obviously in love. How can you not respect my beliefs?"
" I just think this person (I'm using this term very loosely, by the way), needs to realize that we are living in the 21st century and are allowed our different views and opinions, although I have the feeling that [said person] would fit in perfectly as a ridiculous parody of a trial attorney, prosecuting so-called witches, back in the day of the Salem witch trials. Or better yet as a sanctimonious, hypocritical clergyman during the Spanish Inquisition. Anyway, in whatever incarnation she assumes in her next life, we are all thankfully living in the here and now in this life, so we are allowed our slightly un-P.C. views and opinions, so I think she should get over it. Her time could be put to much better use. She should go out and fight against hate, bigotry, ignorance, racism, etc... and get a life. Her continued, inaccurate generalizations, hate posts, and rants against us without provocation seems to indicate that she obviously lacks one."
Strategy #4: Assert your freedom of speech!
Freedom of speech is always a great argument to bring up in these sorts of situations, because no one wants to think that they are violating another's right to speak freely. Even if your opponents aren't American, even if you aren't American, the usage is still valid because most people don't know better. Freedom of speech, of course, was created to give Americans the right to speak out against the government and has little to do with internet message boards and scat fan-fiction, but that's of little consequence. Make those Nazi Fascists think they're violating some sort of law and send them screaming!
Suggested Usage:
"By writing fan fiction about Duo Maxwell fucking Heero Yuuy up the ass with a tennis racket, I am merely asserting my artistic freedom of speech/expression. By telling me I can't write about it you are violating my freedom of speech! So what if you're Canadian and I'm Irish! FREEDOM OF SPEECH!" [3]
"By offering your opinion on my practices as a yiffing furrie, you are violating my freedom of speech. And freedom of speech is was makes this country great!" (Rememer: everyone in the world is American, even if they try to tell you otherwise.)
Strategy #5:
I Don't Care At All/I Am Laughing So Much Harder Than You
This is another great thing about arguing on the internet. You might be a frothing, weeping, shaking ball of rage, but nobody else knows that or can see it. Therefore, you are free to tell them whatever you want. Crying your eyes out because someone called you a "fucktard"? Tell them how much you Just Don't Care and how much their attempts at insults make you laugh. Be sure to state in every post you make that you do not care, and that you're laughing your ass off at them. The repeated statement that you don't care will deflect their assertation that you do, in fact, care, because you keep arguing.
Suggested Usage:
"God, you people are funny! I'm laughing so hard with each message I read! Thanks for a good laugh!" (you can use this argument every time you return to post again. Make sure you stress that you're only returning because they make you laugh so hard.)
"I wish I cared more, but I don't." (Be sure to state this every time you speak. If you're arguing frequently and with vehemence, it might seem like you care, so it's prudent to keep re-iterating that you don't.)
Strategy #6: You Have No Life
This strategy is a close cousin of "don't you have anything better to do?" It's a reliable way to cut deep, implying that your opponent does not have the necessary social skills to obtain this obscure item which people call a "life". Don't mind the fact that the definition of a "life" differs from person to person and from group to group; if someone is really pissing you off, telling them they have no life will at least make them ponder their existence long enough for you to run away, block their email, and refuse to let them get another word in, which brings us to strategy #7.
Strategy #7: Cut off all contact and declare yourself the winner
If you're afraid an argument's final result might not be to your liking, you can cut it off before there's a chance of that happening. Leave a message board and never go back. Unsubscribe from a mailing list. Block someone's email. However, be sure not to do these things before asserting your final and definitive argument. Then run away before anyone can reply. Trust me, there is no better way to get the last word in.
Strategy #8:
When all else fails, just insult them
If you're running low on strategies, insulting people is always a reliable way to at least detract the argument from yourself for a little while. The people you are arguing with may be smarter, older, and presenting far more convincing arguments than you, but none of that matters if you can call them fat. Insinuate that they're overweight, pimple-ridden virgins who live in their mother's basement. Due to the anonymous nature of the internet, they might be supermodels for all you know, but as soon as they start to defend their appearance you can pull the "methinks the lady doth protest" argument and imply that they're just arguing because you've hit too close to home.
Suggested Usage:
"It'd probably be good for you to get outside into the real world once in a while."
"I bet you have no job and live in your mother's basement."
"You Smartanian bitches are just fat, PMSing bull dykes!"
"I'll bet you're gay."
"U fag."
Strategy #9:
You Have No Right To Criticize (my furrie art/fanfiction/drawing of anime chicks with giant boobs) Because You Cannot Do Better.
It's common knowledge that no-one is allowed to criticize anything if they can't prove they can do the subject in question themselves. That's why all professional movie, music, literary and television critics are also award-winning directors, actors, musicians, writers and TV producers in their spare time. If someone has implied that your online creations (be they art or fanfiction) are not 100% perfect and that you are not the unique, precious little snowflake you believe yourself to be, challenge them to do better than you. If they can't then this automatically makes them wrong.
Suggested Usage:
"If you think so-and-so did such a bad job writing that fanfic, I'd like to see you do better."
"Oh, so you didn't like the last episode of Buffy? I'd like to see YOU do a better job!"
"You only criticise (insert subject here) because you're jealous that you can't do better."
You don't like the art? Before you piss on someone's work, I'd like see you do better.
Strategy #10: Point? What point?
If all else fails and you feel backed into a corner, you can always ignore the point. This doesn't require much effort. You will usually be able to plainly see what point your opponent is trying to make, and all you need do is completely ignore anything and everything to do with it. For better effect, twist their point to mean something you are well aware it doesn't mean. Ignore all valid questions directed at you, and continue to argue the same banal subject you started with, even if the issue has been addressed countless times. Eventually your opponent will just give up and their head will burst.
Suggested Usage:
Continually point out how angry your opponent must be. This will detract from the argument at hand and save you from actually having to produce a point.
Uss any one of the above arguments over and over and over again until your opponent gives up in frustration because you refuse to actually say anything.
Strategy #11: "I Will Now Psychoanalyze You Based on your Three Posts on a Message Board and be Absolutely Correct"
Everyone loves a little online psychoanalysis. Even though the internet is an anonymous place and you know virtually nothing abot your opponent save how they present themselves on a message board, psychoanalyzing them will make you feel smarter and direct the argument away from you having to make any point whatsoever.
Suggested Usage:
"You're an insecure person. You're disconnected from other people. Your life is unfocused and pointless, and you're only way of connecting with people is by trying to shock them.... ...You're incapable of thoughtful and intelligent debate or discussion, resorting to crass signatures, crass pictures, and yes, you ultimately DO lose any debate. By using those pictures and in NOT being capable of defending whatever point of view it is you're trying to get across, you lose. You're certainly not going to win anyone over to your point of view with your approach. Your childish hysterics perfectly exhibit who you are, and your incapacity to engage in intelligent and reasoned thought. " - Ellison, Snogger (7.28.04)
Strategy #12: Point out your opponent's obvious rage
(10.14.04)
This is another popular and effective standby, because which of us doesn't feel a little bit of anger and/or frustration when in conflict with anyone? Again, due to the anonymous nature of the internet, you may use this tactic to prove your Ultimate Superiority by showing your opponent just how much angrier they are than you (even if you aren't angry at all). This stragegy can also be used in conjunction with Strategy #5: "I Am Laughing So Much Harder Than You". Although one's state of anger/non anger has nothing whatsoever to do with any argument, this will immediately be forgotten as your opponent tries to prove that they are not, in fact, angry, which will eventually result in a war to determine who cares the least.
Suggested Usage:
"What's the matter? Did I hit a nerve? I must have for you to make such an angry reply!"
"I feel sorry for you, so angry over something so small. Well, it's a good thing I don't care. I'm going to go study Arabic now. You can just stay here and stew in your rage. Goodbye!"
"You must be a hateful, anger-filled person if you (Insert subject of disagreement here)"
Further Insight
For further insight into the subject, I infiltrated the Smartania message boards using only my wits and a Swiss Army Knife (infiltrating a public message board is a difficult task, let me tell you). After braving the wilds and dodging flames, I managed to establish myself on the message board under the pseudonym of EPK. Crikey! Their fangs were huge! I could've died! Anyway, once I threw them some baby meat they calmed down and gave me some insight into the workings of their brains.
PKWench, who lives in her mother's basement with 1000 cats and is really just jealous of all the big smart people, had this to say:
[[The Art of Ignoring The Point
One of my favorite internet argument standards is the act of ignoring any and every instance where one's stupidity is spelled out for them in undeniable, crystal clarity. Examples could be found amongst those who tout having multiple college level certificates of mastery in English while simultaneously using words completely inappropriately because they do not know what they mean and never copping to that fact no matter how many times it's pointed out. See Them1s's "vindicate" for further details.
The Legality of Being Rude!
I really, really, REALLY love it when people claim that it's somehow illegal to be rude or nasty on the internet. They'll talk about reporting you to your ISP, Ezboard, Live Journal, etc. For hacking their fanfic, poking fun at their furry site, or real person fetish as if doing any of the above was tantamount to a hate crime. Telling someone they suck must be illegal, you see, because it's MEAN! And if I hear one more fanfic tard talk about copyright, I may have an aneurysm. Why? Because you're dealing with material that's very existence is a violation of copyright and because it's perfectly legal to mock things in parody. Haven't any of these jackasses ever seen Scream 1, 2, or 3 or any other parody in the known universe?
You're Not A Rocket Scientist, Thusly You Have No Point
I love this one. It goes somehow beyond the traditional jealousy gambit (i.e. "you're just jealous because you can't write such good fanfic"). This method of attack revolves around trying to place a person on a lower mental and social status because it's believed that doing so robs them of having a point. For example, if you're a college freshman arguing with someone who works in a bookstore, you'd be touting that you're educated versus them being just a stupid clerk. Never mind the stupidity of college freshman worldwide or the fact that someone who spends their free time reading is likely to be leaps and bounds more intelligent. The true point of gai to this argument is that it's completely null and void. Being better educated, wealthier, taller, older, wiser, more Asian, or painted plaid does not mean that someone is automatically "in the right" - even, yes, if the argument falls within your particular field of interest. Pointing out that someone's wrong just because they work as a maid or a gas station attendant is just another way of ignoring an argument. It also makes the person doing it look like a dumb fuck. LOL ]] Pkwench (06.30.04)
Red Wheelbarrow hid in the grass until I coaxed him out with baby meat dangled on a stick, but I finally got these comments out of him:
[[["You're so immature!"
For better effect, spell it "immatured".
"You're soooo beneath my notice. I'm leaving you right now because I have better things to do like studying Arabic / computer programming / reading Jung / goat fisting / whatever."
Dave the Pooter Boy is probably the best-known exponent of this tactic. Flamers, please know that this is laughable and will only result in mockery because a) you're assuming that we care about your whereabouts and can't live without your continued presence, when we're just out to laugh at your expense and simply don't give a flying fuck, and b) you're trying to show off how much more of a life you have than us by wasting that life typing snooty farewell messages to strangers on the internet. Plus, the flamer often negates his own statement by coming back for one more fling. And another. And another...
"I noe how to yooz english proporly, itz juz dat im too lazy / tired / hate skool!"
Of course, people who know how to speak and write properly will continue to do so even if they're away from school or otherwise indisposed, because, well, they know and it's second nature and it therefore shouldn't take too much of an effort. No, wait, fuck all that! You don't have to care, because it's the Internet and you can abuse English in the most flamboyant ways possible! Examples: Pharaoh GL, Iluvkiba, the Cuntie Crew.
"I'm a certified expert in [INSERT TOPIC]. Now watch me flaunt my knowledge in every post I make so I can make you feel small and insignificant."
Topic can vary from flamer to flamer. For instance:
a. Adelaide - anthropology
b. Dave - computer programming
c. Fiona - sociology
d. Neo Elemental - fansubs
e. Them1s - writing awards
f. Unrisen Soul - movies/anime/music]] Red Wheelbarrow (06.30.04)
PKTechBoy wouldn't speak until I gave him a fresh supply of kittens. Even then, I had to continually use tranquilizer darts to remain safe from his ripping, tearing jaws. When he finally stopped trying to eat me, he had this to say:
[[1. "I'm laughing at this more than you are. *shakes head*" Translated: "Ow, stop kicking me. Its okay guys! I'm with you! We're all friends now, right? OWWW!"
2. "You're posting on the Internet, therefore you have no life. Unlike me, who is, uh, posting on the Internet. Yeah." *Goes on to list imaginary things they do in real life*
3. Ignore the abuse and try and act like nothing happened (See Frostipagan, Adelaide, Knex.). This one kinda links in with point one.
4. "FREEDUM OF SPEACH!!1!!" Loud, obnoxious people use this, forgetting that the whole freedom of speech thing only applies in the USA, and only in relation to freedom to speak out against the government, not to say what the fuck you like on a message board.
5."What you're saying means nothing to me. I don't care about your opinions. " Followed by about 50+ more posts by the same person, all about why they don't care at ALL.
6. Lists of reasons why you shouldn't pick on them, mostly to do with their personal life. This ALWAYS back fires at it just brings more ammunition to attack them with. If you're that kind of big meenie. *cough*
7. "I'm leaving the Internet. FOREVER!!!1" Classic pity-whore post. Hopes for sympathy are either dashed as everyone keeps on attacking them or ignores them, or their plan works as their equally sad drama-queen friends fall all over them, giving them sloppy blowjobs and telling them how great they are. I feel the need to mention Pizza Hut here, for some reason[4] .
8. "You're 14, aren't you?"
9. fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
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fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
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fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart (Source: Dougie 2003)]] PKTechBoy (06.30.04)
I tossed Spoot a hunk of meat, and she provided me with these comments before running off into the jungle to hunt for her daily meal of fanfic writers :
[["You're a lowly human and I want to fight with you for the purposes of attaining glory for myself!" - invariably used by morons.
"You hurt my friend therefor you need to die."
"You did [X] which is against Jebus's teachings. Therefor, you suck."]] Spoot (06.30.04)
Kikumaru would not respond to offers of baby meat or kittens. It was only when I threw her a hunk of asian boy meat that she responded to my requests, and then only briefly. By the time she was done, all the Smartanians were waiting for me, fangs bared, looking at me as though I was their next meal! I had to use my tranquilizer darts and run for my very life! Crikey [5] , it was the most thrillin' experience of my life!
Anyway, before attempting to rend me to pieces with her claws, Kikumaru had this to say:
[[Maybe if you weren't still in junior high you'd understand why blah blah blah.
Best used when when a) avoiding the issue and b) making zero fucking sense. For maximum effect, repeat often, dropping the education level each time, i.e. junior high to grade school to kindergarten, etc.
It's obvious you all are ...
a) overweight
b) acne-ridden
c) virgins
d) ugly
e) dateless
f) all or any combination of the above,
or else you'd agree with and/or worship me. Or at the very least react negatively in a way I find pleasing.
This one's an all around argument-winner, appropriate for any occasion! ^_^
It's my artistic right to completely mutilate the English language in my scholarly endeavors, you plebeian. Especially effective if said scholarly endeavor is a Harry Potter/Pokemon/WWE crossover fic.
Netspeak iz just 4fun, i'm smart enuff to noe how 2 use reel englush, so dun be all snottie!!!!1! Works best when no one else in the vicinity is using such jargon.]] Kikumaru (06.30.04)
Conclusion
In these ways, and indeed in many more ways which are beyond the scope of this paper, the Smartania community is a vast, wild, and scary place. I suggest you do not use the tatctics outlined in this paper until you have throroughly studied them and feel you can make a reasonable attempt to use the arguments in an appropriate and strategic manner. Watch out, man. Them's gots big teeth.
Contact (by e-mail): EPK
References
TechBoy, PK., Resident Smartanian, Big English Daddy, Jackhammer of Love, Bristol: 2004
Wench, PK, Webmaster of Smartania.com, Novelist, Certified Internet Meanie, Librarian, Bitch and Whore, Kansas City Missouri: 2004
Spoot, Queen of Blueberry Toast, Smartanian, Practicing Internet Meanie, Certified Fanfic Hacker, Location Unknown: 2004
Wheelbarrow, Red, Smartanian Meanie, , Fister of White Chickens, Certified Fanfic Hacker, Singapore: 2004,
Maru, Kiku , koneko-ai.com, Flippy Kitty, Practicing Smartanian, Kansas: 2004
Snoggers, Varied locations: 2001-2004
Electronic Sources:
http://www.smartania.com Accessed June 2004
http://p211.ezboard.com/fthechurchofxfrm36 Accessed June 2004
[1] Other Nazi Fascist Bigots who deny the rights of others include: Somethingawful.Com, Portal of Evil, Seanbaby.com and The Onion.
[2] See The Shipper Sanctum - persecuted believers in the love of Mulder and Scully.
[3] Sources of this argument include Magic Pink, persecuted English furry in a pink cat suit.
[4] This, I'm afraid, cannot be understood without being privy to Smartania's many and varied mutually exclusive in-jokes, which are beyond the scope of this paper.
[5] "Crikey" and the dangling of babies (c) The Crocodile Hunter, who should be suing me shortly for being mean and making fun of him.
▲ ◄
Layout for this page shamelessly stolen from This Place for the purpose of parody. That's perfectly legal, fucktard. ↓
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| Name: luckey_in_life | Date: Nov 9th, 2006 8:30 PM |
| Name: luckey_in_life | Date: Nov 9th, 2006 8:35 PM |
| Name: E | Date: Nov 9th, 2006 8:38 PM |
| THANKS!!! I SAVED IT NOW. ↑ |
| Name: E | Date: Nov 9th, 2006 8:39 PM |
| I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT !!! IT MAKES IT REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE, TO REALIZE THAT YOU ARE UNDER A LOOKING GLASS !!!!! ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Nov 9th, 2006 8:40 PM |
| me to. I have to print that sucker. Its long ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Nov 9th, 2006 8:41 PM |
maybe someone pushed the poor taste on it.
What were they afraid we would get educated. HAHAHA. Oh this gets better everyday..... ↑ |
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