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I had a question. If you had to deal with your ex's new wife who bullies your kid emotinaly and has the teacher email her every day with reports on your kid, and keeps school papers from you. Also sighns in the parent signature spot so big not even your ex has room to sighn much less you what would you do? And how would you do it in such a way that your kid doesn't have to deal with the repercussion? ↓
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| Name: cjsims | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 11:30 AM |
| I'd tell her that she IS NOT my childs parent, and that she needs to recognize her place in the manner. I'd go to all of the teachers, and tell them to quit sending her reports, cause she isn't the kids parent! PERIOD! Who does this child live with? Sounds like her dad? And the new stepmom? I'd have a serious talk with the childs father, and ask why he is allowing this to go on. Then, if talking to the stepmom isn't working, I'd go as far as to have mediation set up. OH, YES. Mediation. Costly, but worth it. The step mom needs to step off her high horse. She sounds very immature, and like she could use a good dose of JESUS in her life. ↑ |
| Name: K-beth | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 2:22 PM |
| I have primary conservatership, (custody) and my ex says that his wife has the right to relay info to him. I also had a talk well a few talks with the teacher and i even got the school adm. involved. I set up a confrence with the princiaple for me and my ex with no steps involed ( I have remarried too) my ex refused to go if his wife couldn't be in the room with us. I have tried to talk to ex but i can't get to him his wife won't let me she has cut any contact i could have with him. About two yrs ago i told the ex that i'm not dealing with wife he recorded my conversation and took it to court to prove that i was the couse of the probs and his lawer wouldn't let him play it for the judge 'cus it would make thim look bad not me ( for the record i was very polite about it on the tape) ↑ |
| Name: maxieellis | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 3:29 PM |
Sounds very involved. You really need to seek council for this in order to get to the bottom line of YOUR rights...the rights of the "steps" and the responsibility of education and the educators in your situation.
Remember...you may request the same information with regard to the children as the new wife is recieveing. Nothing stopping you from that. Both with regard to email and copy of any "papers" you wish. You simply need to request this.
Room to sign....it really need NOT be exactly on that dotted line...but indeed on the page. Plenty of room.....
You deal with it in an adult private manner. You do not broadcast you disdain for anything...in a vicious or negative or foul manner in writing or via a phone message. You do it through a lawyer (since in this case you cant seem to work with your ex.....alone privately without interruption) and if....they broadcast....in anyway...keep a journal of that. If they leave foul or rude/vulgar messages...save them...do NOT respond.
If you hubby will not attend conferences with regard to your children at the school. Back yourself up with regard to the meeting in writing to the teacher or principal .....that you were to meet with. Expressing your disappointment at the time taken to set up this meeting and how unfortunate that both parents could not attend. In other words......respect...fully.
Remember....in any situation when people get...aggressive in there quest.......what affects one...will ultimately...affect the other. NO WAY out of that. Any good....lawyer...would tell you that. Have you proceed with caution...and respectfully.....watch your ASS in other words...dont....put yourself in a position to be attacked legally....be wise...be cautious....be advised.
Your children will be fine...IF you...at the very least...YOU...act in a proper manner. AT LEAST...if you find otherwise....they have one of you they can look to ...both now...and oh yes in the FUTURE....with RESPECT.
My best advice...is to be well.....advised...and protected. Get a lawyer. ↑ |
| Name: winnmom | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 3:30 PM |
I do not know where you live , but here step parents have the same rights as parents. She has the right to be at the schools, get information etc.
Both Hubby and I are step parents and treat all the kids as our own. I deal with everything schools etc, because Hubby works. I have every right to doscuss the children with parents etc. as long as the school has the custody agreement and we are legally married.
It is tough being in a blended family ( families) for ev eryone in volved......the most important of course being the children......so anything you need to do to keep the peace for the childrens sake......so If I were you I would think.....I personally am on both sides of the fence as well.....
1- does this bother me because
I am jealous ?
2- Is this something I can live with?
If no why not
3 am I prepared to go to court about this?
If not why does it bother me
2- ↑ |
| Name: winnmom | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 3:32 PM |
I have every right to doscuss the children with parents etc.
sorry that should say teachers/ ↑ |
| Name: maxieellis | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 3:37 PM |
| Yes winn....i think just about anywhere...that is true. I expected she realized....as...she remarried herself. Indeed...in this neck of the woods...that is fact. The new spouse has rights. ↑ |
| Name: winnmom | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 3:47 PM |
| I would like to add, that Hubbies Ex tried to have it so I could not talk to reachers etc. Only he could....well I talked to the principal, faxed the custody aggreement and in the end she ( the ex) looked bad not me........For the childrens sake, the more people involved in the childrens schooling the better......the more the relationship is encouraged with the other parent and new step parent, the better for the children, the more settled and at easy the children will feel.....children WILL feel guilt......so it is up to the parents involved to make it so the children are equally comfortable going to any of the parents ( including step) the stronger they see all the adults as allies the better off the children will be. ↑ |
| Name: winnmom | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 3:47 PM |
| Name: winnmom | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 3:48 PM |
| Name: winnmom | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 3:51 PM |
also I would like to add,
The courts are in favour off ALL parents being active in the childrens lives in all ways from Doctors - schooling, they will frown upon the parent that does not agree with this......
Good lawyers WILL tell you to keep the peace and try to have the step parent involved....
and Here we have family justice cousellers......their ONLY concern is the children and they state that all parents being hands on, at what ever cost to the parents is the very best for the children......
If I were you I would do everything I could to start aligning your self with ex's wife, instead of against.......because this is best for the children and it makes it look the best for you as well. ↑ |
| Name: winnmom | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 3:53 PM |
| ooops Maxie already mentioned the lawyer thing. ↑ |
| Name: momo | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 4:00 PM |
In a sense i agree with Winn...blending is vital..my son is very young still and is only in Kg, but my other half is very much involved in his other part of his life..
My mother who is remarried who is a step mother to two teenage girls..signs papers , gets reports..But also their father does have primary custody..In your case..I would have to look at it is not her..It is often your husband...I know that my stepfather puts alot of repsonsibility on my mother..If you attack her..when it in fact could be your ex putting alot on her..that would not go well.. ↑ |
| Name: K-beth | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 7:42 PM |
| I ask every day that I see the teach if there is any thing i need to know or new or just what up with class/kid/school. So i try to keep up it's just that if i'm not told about something how am i suppost to ask about it . Squeaker brought home a math test for me to sighn it had alread been sighned and the grade was 36 . i was floord i went to the teach with the test in hand and teach told me squeaker haddent finished a test in 3months. when the teach explained why i was just now finding out about it even with me asking about it she said step was handling it. after that i went and sat with squeaker during her next math test and that was about 2.5 months ago since then squeaker has finished every math test on time and made no less than 85 on them. Oh and they take a math test every Thursday. I know about the whole rights situation it's just my rights are being put aside for steps rights and how can i be a good mom with my babies education if i can't be involved. and the teach has my email/phone cell, home i pick my girl up from school at her class every day i go through her backpack look at all her home work and check it i also go to the anouncement bord with postings af activities and up coming events and still miss stuff 'cus it my only be sent home and not my home . i sought councel and the cheapst was 2,000 and i don't have that money my hubby works two jobs to support and to give us a little extra down here daycare cost about 900-1,500 a month more than what i could make at a job. and outside family can't help ↑ |
| Name: K-beth | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 7:45 PM |
| oh and the thing with it not being step but ex hub i don't know but i do know that ex's last gf payed his child support and before that it was his mommy he has yet to pay out of his pocket and he owes me over 10,000 in med expens over 9 yrs time so i know he happly give over all responceablity ↑ |
| Name: winnmom | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 7:53 PM |
well I suggest then, that you talk to the school principal......have 2 of EVERYTHING sent home.....1 for at Dads one for you.....
Do you have some kind of program there? Here we have family maintnace program which makes sure child support is paid.....they will do what ever needs to be to make sure what is owed is paid.....they can garnish wages, put a stop to drivers licence, garnish income tax....anything and everything they need to do to make sure the payor is paying the payee......He would pay support to them , and they would send it too you.....also anything out standing still (eg the medical biils owing) they would give him a time limit to pay it, or garnish his wages to cover it. ↑ |
| Name: maxieellis | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 10:14 PM |
well...ok...so a lawyer for financial constraints its to taxing. I suggest that you consult a 'amily support'...agency, where you live. Begin to do some digging...and research yourself. There is NO other way. One thing will lead to another...but you must begin. From there...you also may be put in touch with a agency that will assit you legally. Dont be afraid to ask. NEVER...the worst they can do is brush you off...(ya know the overworked unpaid attitude) or say no. Either way...do yourself a favor...do NOT settle. GET an answer. Push...in otherwords...you may have to insist....go beyond...asking and leaveing it to the brush off..or no. Ask......yet agian. Keep asking until someone pays attention.
If you try legal aid...or something of that nature...if you havent already....it will take time...but..you will be assisted.
Further....request...IN WRITTEN form...to the school principal insistent upon constant updates. Communication. Constantly check. Check on them...to ensure they are following through. If they slip...write another letter....listing the slips. That its not acceptable. BUT do all of this with...great respect. There are several ways to get the same point across.........CHOOSE carefully...your words. The formation of the words. BUT...do not hedge the importance, or request you wish to see followed. Ensure you keep a COPY of these letters. IF...the school is in habitual neglect with regard to your concerns or requests......then take it to the next level at some point. DO NOT warn them that this will follow. IF...they dont comply. Just write your letters...with respect...check up...follow up with more...YES IN WRITING....thank yous or.....gentle reminders....and if your ignored..you have your copies...(mighty important) and make a new copy of those...and forward them to the appropicate individual....which is...the superintendent of the school district your in. Leave it in his/her capable hands. Respectfully.
There are ways to help yourself...you just must...take the steps...the initiative...be relentless (with caution...respect...and....focus!) and you will.....begin to see change. Do not rely on others...regardless where they are...what capacity they are in....what position they hold...rely...on you. Your children do. ↑ |
| Name: maxieellis | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 10:17 PM |
| sorry...im in a rush...this is the product of rush....i gotta get my girl...RIGHT NOW.. Im not even gonna stop and fix the typos ....you get the drift........all the best. ↑ |
| Name: marija | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 11:05 PM |
Here in Australia, Steps have the same sort of rights as Parents.
but as the primary custodial parent...You have more rights when it comes to day to day stuff, like schooling. Steps can speak to the teachers and get updates, can even sign papers if the kid is at there place for some reason. But to have daily stuff when the kid is not with them...what sort of teacher / principal is allowing that...its JUST STUPID!
I would go to them and ask them for the same consideration the stepmum is getting...only enforcing that as you are the primary carer, that you are notified of any document that has been signed by the NON primary carer. You are not asking that the information is NOT given to the ex and his wife, Just that you be of the uppermost consideration.
Goodluck ↑ |
| Name: lindalu | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 11:26 PM |
Besides the emotional bullying you claim she is doing, I don't see that the other thing you mention should be a problem. She isn't doing any thing to harm the children by being involved in their education or keeping an on their school progress, if any thing you should be glad that they have an additional person to keep an eye on them. If you don't mind me asking... what are some examples of her emotional bullying?
Please don't think I am trying to be an ass with what I have said because thats not what I had intended. I just wanted to point out that children cant have to many adults watching out for them. So if they can have three parents appose to two then that should be a good thing. ↑ |
| Name: mother2five | Date: Feb 13th, 2008 11:43 PM |
| omg wth.......i'd be pissed. Have you confronted her nicly about it? ↑ |
| Name: K-beth | Date: Feb 14th, 2008 4:49 AM |
| emotional bulling: what kind of mother would ...... or you will live with us right..... or if you don't tell me everything that I need to know then I won't talk to you or allow you to talk to any one else no matter who so........ Step will put my baby in a possition to answer or not be loved she will tell her thats stuped if you think your mom could do good your moms a b..ch how could she disapline you there is just constant verbal abuse. Not to mention she allows her other child (3yrs old) to physicly hurt squeaker and thinks it's funny( there are scarres from it). There is a point to when a step is a good thing but there are boundries. I have been a step I understand and can even respect untill that line is crossed. There's suppost to be the 2 thing going on and I have gotten school adm. involved and the princible and vice p. also counsler this is the first year its been this bad and slowly gets worse.Step does have some rights they just don't exseed mine. Oh and the school has on file our divorce decree and any modified orders that go in squeakers file every year. Ya'll have great advise I just have done it all before I forget where I live legal aid will help only if there is no order standing and we make to much for assistens you have to fit in a sertant financial bracket to qualify for it, like medicade or food stamps. ↑ |
| Name: Jubilee | Date: Feb 14th, 2008 12:51 PM |
| I think that if you are a parent and divorce your childrens father that you should not remarry until your children are grown adults. As a divorced parent you should make your children your focus by raising them and treating all men you date as family friends to your children instead of treating them as a parent figure. Other men should not try and parent your children. It is not fair to your children if you remarry and start another family with another man. It is not fair to remarry and expose your children to the possibility of another divorce and another opinion of how to best raise them. ↑ |
| Name: Jubilee | Date: Feb 14th, 2008 12:53 PM |
| That also goes for a divorced man who is a parent. I don't think either parent should remarry until their children are grown adults. This makes sure that the children are raised by their parents. ↑ |
| Name: K-beth | Date: Feb 14th, 2008 2:23 PM |
| Jubilee I understand what you are saying. Yet that doesn't always work. My husband treats both girls his own and his step as if there were no diffrence. He doesn't couse problems and dealing with my ex and school he leaves up to me. My hubby respects the boundries of being a step. He teaches my girls what a good father is and what a good man is. The girls call him super sucker daddy.Squeaker asked me if she could call stepdad "daddy" I told her she was old enough to make that decition on her own and what she decided was ok as long as it was nice. She told me that she knew she had a real father but stepdad was better father. Kids are smart they get more than we give them credit for. Squeaker was the one who first brought up me marring new hubby. I let squeaker meet new hubby while we were dating as a "friend" 2 weeks later squeaker asked " will you marry him?" I asked her if she wanted me too she said "heck yeah I want him to be my new daddy, I love him" My ex drinks every day takes no responceabilaty for his own or his actions. Ex alowed mom and now wife to run things and he treats his 2nd child with new wife better than our child. So every situation is diffrent sometimes remarring is a good thing and sometimes it's not it all depends on how you do it and who you choose to bring into your home. Before I married new hubby I told him that he won't be just getting me but also a child to, my baby and I were a package deal. So he asked her if he could marry me, she gave her blessing as well as my father. ↑ |
| Name: maxieellis | Date: Feb 14th, 2008 2:26 PM |
Well, it is much more involved. The asked the more discovered.
Being involved with a counselor is a very good thing for the obvious reasons where your child is concerned. It also establishes a basis for you where this ex is an issue.
At some point...if this does not improve after all this....you may well, have no other choice but to seek.....Soul Custody. Limited visitation, if any. Sad ...yes for the obvious....her involvement with her father. BUT....the cost of being with him and his new wife, ought not be at the expense of emotional devastation or destruction for your child. Or, physical harm.
I dont understand the American system at all, I am only going by what is available in Canada. Perhaps you can petition the court to schedule a hearing on these issues yourself, but honestly...I wouldnt recommend representing yourself in a situation like this. At some point...you may just have to do what you must, to retain a lawyer for services.
There is never a definative answer, in these situations.
Best of luck...ALL the best...... ↑ |
| Name: maxieellis | Date: Feb 14th, 2008 2:27 PM |
| the *more*....asked the more discovered. (once again :| ) ↑ |
| Name: K-beth | Date: Feb 14th, 2008 2:54 PM |
| Oh and I didn't let new hubby meet squeaker untill I knew he was a good man and we were in a seriece relationship he didn't purpose to me untill squeaker said it was ok. He then purposed and shortly after he got my fathers blessing. I didn't want my first devorce. My ex gave me $50.00 and told me I had a week to leave squeaker was 1yr old we had been married for 2yrs and he said he didn't want to be a husband and father any more he was done playing house. It took me 4yrs to remarry and yes tooter was conceved out of wedlock but was born into a family. I don't believe in devorce I had no choice the first time ex refused to go to marrage councleing. I would have never remarried if I believed it would end in another devorce. However my hubby and I both don't believe in devorce and hubby was raised by mom and stepdad he says it was the best thing that ever happend and thinks of stepd as dad. My hubby is my handsom prince, and knight in shining armor for me and my girls. I have never doughted my choice to remarry expessaly with him. I thank God every day that us girls are blessed with such a wonderful man in our lifes. We have been married for 4yrs and still going strong. ↑ |
| Name: K-beth | Date: Feb 14th, 2008 2:57 PM |
| yeah i'm saveing money for that dreaded time. just not enough yet. ↑ |
| Name: maxieellis | Date: Feb 14th, 2008 3:15 PM |
Yeah...I hear ya girl.... :|
If its any comfort at all (though I do realize so minimal if at all)........your not the only person with money issues, for matters that are paramount. You are, doing your best....traveling the avenues available, protecting where you are afforded the opportunities, seeking help via the school.....just dont relent hon. The day will come....
Again....All the best... ↑ |
| Name: winnmom | Date: Feb 14th, 2008 3:18 PM |
Jubilee ,
I do not agree with your statement.
We are a blended family......
Yes it is the hardest thing either Hubby or I have ever done........but with Love , and time, everyone of our children are happy, comfortable and content......YES , the first couple years were hard....VERY hard......but to say that someone should never remarry if they have children is rediculas! Huuby and I have never in our lives been so Happy as we are together......we KNOW we are meant to be together......OUR children are happy......good , wonderful children......and we KNOW we are together for our entire time here on Earth.......
Also I would like to say.......If a step parent does not treat a child like their own, but does to their biological children....HOW will that child feel??????
One thing Hubby and I had to learn, and It was very hard to do.....was to put US first! NOT to side with "our" children.....Put uus first, build a strong foundation, show the children that we are 1 and can not be played......and everything else fell into place.....THIS was the hardest part of blending families....we went through pre maritual counselling 2x.......one general and one Christian......and with both one thing we learned was WE need to come first.....we need to build the foundation for our family....and my goodness this is so true! ↑ |
| Name: Jubilee | Date: Feb 14th, 2008 3:37 PM |
K-beth, I just think that waiting until children are grown before remarrying is the least complicated situation for a child. I think a parent has no business getting married because the demands of a new spouse (and their children) will compete with the needs of your biological children. Remarriage when kids are involved creates a lot of complex issues like step kids, ex-spouses and so on. Just look at all the issues you are dealing with. If you and your ex remained single after divorcing you would not be dealing with a lot of the stuff you are now. And any way you look at it this will have an effect on your child.
Since remarriage is already an issue for you and your child, I think you should try to stop the fighting where the new spouse is involved. It certainly doesn't help your child any. So what if she wants to be involved with your childs school issues by talking to the teachers and signing the parent signature spot on school papers. Afterall, step parents are parents! That is what happens when remarriage is involved. Now you have to deal with it. It is an unpleasant side effect of divorce and remarrying. The way I see it the biggest damage that can be done to a child of divorce is the emotional side effects caused by the parents and step parents all fighting. ↑ |
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