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Hello everyone, I am looking for advice from others, who have gone through this same situation. My oldest son and I got into an arguement and he shoved me on Mother's Day weekend. He called his dad to come and get him. Well, when the police officer arrived, I explained what was going on and he allowed with my agreement to let our son go with his dad for the weekend. Well, one weekend ended up being, 1 week, 2 weeks, a month and a half. Every time I try to make contact with my son, he is never home or doesn't say too much on the phone. Initially, my son said he wanted to live with his dad but I believe it's because his dad has no rules in his home and lets the children do whatever they want. Although, while all 3 children are on visitation with their father, my oldest shoves and punches his younger brother and sister around. My ex has said that kind of behavior doesn't happen in his home but I have a journal written from our youngest while in school stating that his older brother was choking him with a rope. Since, my oldest son has been gone, my ex filed papers in court for a custody change of oldest son. However, the law in Illinois states you can't request a custody change until 2 years after the divorce. The problem I have is, when my ex went to dropped the children from his scheduled vacation for me to have my scheduled vacation with all the children, my oldest son wouldn't get out of the truck. He didn't want to stay because he stated he felt uncomfortable. When I asked him why he felt uncomfortable, I couldn't get a straight answer. Yet, my lawyer has told me that I have no choice but to make the children go to visitation with their father so, why can't my 13 year old be forced to come home to me. My ex has done nothing but bad mouth me and my fiance about our parenting skills. Yet, we have done nothing wrong. We try our best to make sure they try to be responsible human beings and keep a structured home environment. I know that because he's 13, he's at a rebelious age but how can I make him understand that his live is not going to be very successful with his father. I've tried to set up some counseling appointments for him but the father insists that since our son is wanting to live with him, the boy doesn't need counseling. Yet, we aren't getting to the root of his behavioral problem of being physical. The grew up in this kind of environment with my ex doing this to me and now he thinks it's ok to act this way. I want to let him go, especially if he doesn't want to visit with me. I want him to figure things out for himself but how can I if the law is forcing me to push the issue? Does any one have any suggestions with regards to this? ↓
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| Name: Strawberry | Date: Jul 30th, 2006 12:36 AM |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jul 30th, 2006 12:53 AM |
| I think technically,your son at 13 can say legally who he wants to live with ,and if it's his dad then there isn't anything you can do.I would also think that if he can say where he wants to live and get his wish granted then the same would go for visitation too,meaning if he doesn't want to visit you then I don't think a court is going to make him. It's sad I know but I think that's the way it is unfortunately. And of course his dad isn't going to encourage him to visit you because if anything he's probably getting a kick out of the fact that he doesn't want to stay with you.My brother has joint custody of his daughter and she lives with her mom. Every time my brother tried to get his daughter for his visitation,his ex would start something with him so my brother just quit trying to get her. My mom tries to get her sometimes but his ex puts my family through hell each time so sadly we don't get to see her as much as we would like. My brother won't take her to court because he doesn't have the money and his daughter is 16. he tells her he loves her and she can come see him whenever she wants but he doesn't hear from her but maybe once or twice a year. Her mom wanted our family out of her daughters life so I guess in a way she got her wish. She does however put her daughter up to calling my mom each year for new school clothes which I think is crap! But it's only at her mothers mood and convenience that we ever get to see her and it isn't much. ↑ |
| Name: pj to Lizzi | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 5:33 PM |
| Thanks for responding. Sorry to hear about your brother. It isn't fair to him. He should be allowed to be a part of her life. Yet, she's 16 and is capable of communicating with him on her own. Your right, it is sad. I hate to let son go and yet, I don't want to force him to come back home if he's going to be miserable. My attorney has stated to me when my other two children don't want to go to visitation with their father, I have no choice but to send them despite what they want. I have to force them to go. My daughter is 12 and my youngest son is 7. They cried and wanted to come back home to me when they were on two week vacation visitation with their father. They truly missed home. This is like a double edged sword. Personally, the other two children have stated repeatedly that they don't want their brother to come back here. Wow, that floored me! So, obviously, there are alot of things going on with my 13 year old that I'm unaware of. I don't ask them questions but every once in awhile, they will just blurt things out. As the saying goes, "Out of the mouthes of babes!" Well, I go to court tomorrow to see what the judge has to say. Either way, I'm ok with whatever becomes of the judgement. I can't help to feel that my son thinks he needs to take care of his dad because he's all alone and I have a happy home life with the other siblings. Part of me looks at this to be my son's decision. If this is what he truly wants than so be it. Unfortunately, he will be on a tough road ahead. I just hope when he's older he will realize on his own what life with family is all about. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 27th, 2006 11:38 AM |
| Update---I took my son to a counseling session today. He was angry right off the bat. He told me in the car on the way to counseling that its a complete waste of money. The longer I make him stay with me, he will hate me and never speak to me again. I asked him if I was suppose to just cut him out of my life and never speak to him again? He said he wants to live with his dad and help his grandfather on the farm but he will come to visit me by riding his dirt bike over to my house. He said the only reason why I want him at all is because of the child support money. He said all I do is lie and I'm just like my mom, using him for the money. Well, first of all, he has never meet my mom. Secondly, my ex has only meet my mom once and if she was standing in front of him, he wouldn't be able to pick her out of a crowd. So, everything he said to me is exactly what his father and grandfather has said. I was floored. During the counseling session, the first woman I spoke with felt that my son was being coaxed into what to say and that most of his hatred is towards me. However , the doctor said that because my son is 13, he's already made up his mind as to what he plans to do. Even though my son has aggressive behavior and since he grew up in an abuse house, counseling will not change him from being abusive too. He's already been molded into the way he is going to be. Wow, that hit me like a rock!!!! I was there to get my son some help and this is the kind of response I get from a doctor, who seems to be unwilling to help the situation? The doctor asked me why don't I just sign my son over to his father so he can be happy? I explained to the counseling that the law in Illinois states that you can not request a custody change until two years after a divorce. The doctor said if this is true then we can give Corey some counseling to help him to cope with the situation until his father requests another custody change when the time has expired. When I took Corey to his first counseling session back in August that counseling knew all about what the law says. Yet, this counselor I spoke with yesterday had no clue and stated that if I was to have him go to court to testify, he would tell the judge that all my son wants is to live with his father and the mother is forcing him to stay with her. The counselor said his testimony would not help my case. I am trying very hard not to have hurt feelings by all of this but this is something I just can't help. If I didn't love my son at all, I wouldn't care what he did and just let him go. As for the money, his father never pays the support on time and didn't pay a dime for a year and a half prior to a year ago. So, if the money was such an issue, I would have fougt for back child support. I still did what I could in providing for all the children. The sad part about all of this is my ex and his grandfather are only focusing on my 13 year old son. Obviously, they don't care about my daughter and other son. I've never tried to make my son hate or not love his father. I've always tried to include his father in all the children's activities. The counselor did state that if I still keep my son living with me, my son is going to cause me all kinds of trouble. As a parent, I feel my 13 year old should have some respect for me. Since when should he be allowed to make his own decisions? If I give in to him and give him what he wants, then I'm not helping him to be able to work through any future problems he will encounter later on in his life. It wasn't up until this past summer that my son has ever mentioned that he wanted to spend time with his grandfather. My son use to roll his eyes when his grandfather would call my home to see if he could come to help him on the farm. I know I can't make my son like me. But how can I make him understand that no matter what I still love him and only want what's best for him? I'm sorry, I know this is just my opinion but I don't think his father and grandfather are the best role models. They both push mental mind games and a very intimidating individuals. Does anyone have any suggestions? Perhaps, I should just let my son go and hope that later on in his life, he will figure out that I'm not such an evil person? The saying is true that we hurt the ones we love must. I'm trying hard not to take all of this personal but it still hurts. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 27th, 2006 3:41 PM |
| Hi pj754! I think it's wrong that the counselors who re supposed to be helping the situation are basically just telling you to throw in the towel and give your son to his dad! Who do they think they are? You should ask them if they would do the same if it was their situation. I mean what mother could just easily give her son away? I don't care if it is to his dad,it's still giving him away! How dare they really expect you to do that! I'm sorry your son is giving you such a hard time but even the the Dr. or counselor says it seems he's being coached on what to say so if they believe that then how can they possibly turn around and tell you you should just let him go? That makes me very angry!!!! I think they want you to do that because that would make THEIR jobs easier and they would feel like THEY solved a problem!!! What a crock of bull! The downside to all this is your sons age and that he can say who he wants to live with,which is I'm afraid sadly going to be his dad. But if that's the way it is then all you can really do is make his visits with you fun for him by doing things he enjoys but also making yourself a part of it. Talk to him about how you feel about him and what he means to you,not necessarily every time you're with him (because he will get tired of hearing it),but maybe every other time would be good! Show him a good time when your together,make him smile and laugh! Over time he will see mom's not so bad afterall! ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Sep 27th, 2006 11:28 PM |
Hi PJ754,
I am having the same problem with my 14 year old daughter. I think you should back off and stop trying so hard. Your son isn't going to listen to you anyway. It hurts, I know. Back off until he's ready to talk to you. Let him make the decision that he wants to see you. Forcing him to be with you or at counseling will just force him further away. I know it sounds absolutely awful, however, you're not the one who made the choice, he is. Let him suffer the consequences of his own choices. I wish you well. None of this is easy. I do know that I will not die of a broken heart. He WILL come back to you at some point in time. Be patient. ↑ |
| Name: carmen talley | Date: Sep 28th, 2006 6:04 AM |
| I agree with texas mom. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 28th, 2006 4:00 PM |
Hello Ladies---Thank you all for your advice and comments. Everything you all said is greatly appreciated. I wanted to share some researched information about the law. Yes, I could have agreed to sign my son over to his father, the statute stated, "Unless by stipulation of the parties...." However, the courts awarded me custody of my son even after all the affidavits that were entered. Upon advice from my counsel, I need to get my son into counseling to help him to cope with his environment and hopefully to find out if he is in fact being coached by his grandfather and father to behave this way. This may perhaps not help my son one bit but it will help me to keep custody of my other two children. Because if my 12 year old daughter has to go to counseling on such matters, she will be able to explain her opinions of the whole situation. Which she has expressed to several friends, she can't stand her dad and the things he does. I guess I'm doing this to save all three children even though one maybe lost in the process. I agree with Texas_mom that my son is making his decisions. You are probably right about pushing him further away from me by going to counseling and being forced to live with me. Yet, I want him to understand that I am not willing to give up so easily. I want him to understand that you have to push yourself to succeed in life. Giving up and expecting things to be handed to you on a silver platter or think that he will always be able to get his way is not an answer to life. This is his father's idea and he walks around with a chip on his shoulder thinking the whole world owes him everything. I had my struggles as a child and did similiar acts with my parents that my son is doing to me. Yet, when I turned 17-19, I was able to finish school, be independent by supporting myself when I moved out on my own. These are not the qualities that my son displays. However, my 12 year old daughter and 7 year old son does. I look at this as, I only have a small window of opportunity to give my son some time to think about all of this and hope that he will make the right decisions. I doubt he will and I agree, I will not die over a broken heart. I hope I will be wrong but I forsee my son coming back home to me when he's in his late teens-early twenties seeking my help. At which time, I won't be so receptive. If that time comes, I will explain to him that he made his decisions along time ago and now he needs to become a responsible adult to figure things out on his own. Perhaps he may not see any of this until he has children of his own. So, for the time being, I am giving him space and keep telling him I love him. As for him thinking I lie all the time, well, I don't feel I should have to explain myself. No matter what I say won't matter to him. I agree with Lizzi, how dare the counselor!!! I'm a stubborn peson, who is not willing to give up just yet. As for my son thinking it's all about money, well, he's always expect me to buy him everything he wants. There are times, I just can't. He needs to learn the value of money and how it should be handled properly. His dad cries poor mouth because he choses to milk his workman's comp for all it's worth. He should be working hard at his carpentry living but choses not too. Even though he doesn't provide the child support in a timely manner, the children never go without. It's all about him controlling when I receive it and now, he's trying to control how I spend it. I can say, I'm not one of those people, who just spend the money on myself. I am very wise at spending the money on the children. I have set up life insurance money for the children to be able to draw on it when they get older, pay for school lunches, supplies, clothes, extra activities, special gifts out of the blue, etc..... I keep all receipts just in case a day comes that I have to prove where the money goes. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm explaining myself to you all but it's my way of venting. I guess I want to believe that my thinking in not totally wrong.
I want to thank you again to all you ladies for letting me venting and listening. Thanks again for all the sound advice. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 28th, 2006 6:08 PM |
| Aww! You're welcome pj754! You know,you are entitled to spend that child support money any way you wish so long as the kids are taken care of with shelter,clothes,and food,and attending school. you COULD very well spend the support on yourself IF you wanted. My brother brought that up in court about his ex using the money on herself instead of the child and the judge said it didn't matter how she spent it as long as the child was set with food,clothes,housing and education. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 28th, 2006 6:09 PM |
| This is in Illinois by the way. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 29th, 2006 12:57 PM |
| Thanks Lizzi--This is good to know. I thought that a judge would not make that such an issue. I agree as long as they are provided with the necessities then there should be no questions about the money. Yesterday, I spoke with my attorney and she did say I could have signed my son over to his father. She explained that considering his behavior and 13, he is not allowed to make his own rules. Otherwise, we would have several children of different ages filling the courts to run the rules. If they want to use drugs are we going to allow them to do so because that's what they want??? She said just because my son wants to live with his father, is it really in the best interest of him? Also, she felt what the counselor had said to me was very inappropriate and I need to seek a different counselor. I need to get to the root of my son's problem. I know the root but I have to find a counselor, who is able to seek the same root. Oh, well, another day turns. Thanks again. ↑ |
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