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Last night while my ex was picking our two children up for visitation, he was trying to get me into an argument with him. He has temporary custody of our oldest son because we got into a huge fight on Mother's Day weekend and he called his dad to come get him so he could stay for the weekend to calm down. Since then, my ex has not allowed me to have any one on one contact with him. He claims my son wants to visit with me but is afraid I will try to make him stay permanently. Then when I asked my ex why he wasn't allowed to visit all summer long, he didn't have a very good response. Ok, these are words coming out of my ex's mouth. I've never been allowed to hear my son tell me so. This Sunday, I will be getting a week of visitation with my son before school starts. This is court ordered. We are battling over his residency. Anyways, I asked my ex if I could have him an extra day longer than what was ordered by the court because I'm getting married 3 hours one way that weekend. First he said it would be fine but then he said let's see what our son wants. Ok, our son is 13, so it's nice to know he's allowed to call all the shots. My ex has twisted everything around by saying that I hurt my son deeply from the fight and now he doesn't want to come back. Yet, my son came back two days later after the fight to apologized and say was terribly sorry. So, explain to me, if my son was so deeply hurt, why was he crying when I asked him to say for my last week of vacation? However, he wouldn't get out of the truck and told me he felt uncomfortable with no explaination as to why. My ex knew he was suppose to drop him off but would not force him to get out of the truck. He said he's not going to force a child if they don't want to. Yet, my attorney has stated that no matter how much my children don't want to go to visitation with their father, I have no choice but the send them. I could be held in contempt of court. So, why can he get away with it and I can't. Yet, on our last debut in court, the judge reprimanded him for contolling the situation. Needless to say, this ticked the ex off. Then when my son's sister told him I wanted him to be a part of my wedding, he replied, "Mom wants me to go?" This is telling me that he is being coaxed by his father and grandfather that I want nothing to do with him. They are using this child like a pawn and my heart bleeds for him. No matter what I say or do, this ex twists things around to put all the blame on me. The best part, I had a friend standing outside listening to the whole conversation, who stated that he was putting on a good show and trying to make him look like the caring loving father he believes he is. Hopefully, on August 24th, my son will be coming back home. I know a 13 year old doesn't want to live by any rules but as a parent, if I don't teach them on how to follow them, I feel they will have a difficult time with them down the road. Am I wrong in my thinking? It's a constant my game with this man. He admitted that he doesn't play mind games anymore because he can't afford it. Yet, he's still doing it. I would like to hear anyone else's thoughts or comments on what they think or have experienced. Tthanks for listening. ↓
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| Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 9th, 2006 4:09 PM |
Also, I wanted to add, it looks like I don't stand up for myself but I'm trying very hard to avoid the risk of putting the children in the middle of our feud. They should be enjoying their childhood. My ex lives in the same community as I do. He claims it's to be close to the kids. I don't believe it because he's always traveling the neighborhood bad mouthing me to see how many people he can get to stand on his side. Plus, he keeps asking the children what is going on in mom's life? Like it's any of his business!! Have you ever felt that certain people are not very good influences for your children to be around? I have a few of those choice people. As much as I try to prevent the children to be around them, the ex thinks there is nothing wrong with them and continues the association. Partly because they believe in his stupidity. This is just another example of a mind game.
Also, my ex doesn't want our son in counseling because he feels he doesn't need it as long as he's living with him. Well, we are not getting the root of his aggressions that he has displayed to me, his younger brother and sister. Personally, I want to get him help now before he treats a girlfriend or a wife terrible in the future. The ex condones this kind of behavior because he did it to me, so now he's trying to mold our son just like him. My ex was a geek/nerd in school. He was always picked on and was constantly in fights. Now that he's older, the only ones he can pick on is women and children. And he thinks there is nothing wrong???? Any comments are greatly appreciated. ↑ |
| Name: girly29 | Date: Aug 9th, 2006 6:12 PM |
| Pj754...I hear your story...Sounds like the ex is playing mind games with your son too..I was in a similar situation...This is called emotional abuse...filing crap into a minors head is not acceptable. What I did was call up family services, explained the situation and enrolled my daughter into counselling through family services...Everything is monitored. My ex would rather not have her in counselling either, but he doesn't have a say because I bring her on my own time...Through counselling we have become aware of my daughters need to lie to her father to please him because she doesnt want to disappoint him(she won't even tell her father she doesn't like mustard on her sandwich...because she cannot express herself with him).....The ex and his mother continue to question the kids when they get home from my house, the same questions over and over. I explained to my kids they don't have to tell their father nothing, and I would rather they not....My daughter has become very observent since the break up almost three years ago!! She's smart enough too see her dad writing down what she says and then some....She loves her dad alot and he is good to them..well not sure if emotional abuse is good for them!!! But over all they have created their own opinion of me and are starting to voice it...My little guy still has his times where he talks to me just like his daddy use to...but in time I know that too will get better...Court this Monday for a Pre Settlement trial.............Regardless if your son didn't want to stay at your house, the ex should have not given your son a choice...13yrs old he's still a minor, because of the stuff his father is instilling in his head, maybe he too feels the need to please his father. For some reason your ex sounds like mine, he's a perfect parent and his kids would never need help under his care!! Wrong !! If he only realized with an ego like that he's only hurting them more.......You said you and your ex live in the same community, would it be too late to mail your son an invitation to your wedding? Disguise the envolope and hand writting...This way your son has it right in front of him, it's proff he's been invited. This experiment will clearly state, Yes you are invited son! Then he can't say he wasn't invited.........Like I said earlier my ex is the same as yours and I fixed his mouth 7mths ago, he can no longer bash me to my face and in front of our children with all the verbal abuse because I had him charged....this is the second time hes charged with criminal harrassement plus an extra two counts of breach....So now hes left to rant on to his mommy or his gfriend...Write everything down because you never know...Even the information your son freely hands out. It's what I do and its helped..I hope you find this tid bit useful....if I think of anything else to help I'll post it...Take care PJ754 ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 9th, 2006 8:22 PM |
| girly29...thanks for your advice. I never though of family services. Your are right, it is emotional abuse. Since, my ex served me papers regarding custody of our son, I did find out that in the State of Illinois, you can't request a custody change until after two years of a divorce. My divorce has been final for a year and two months. So, at least I have a year left to get my son into counseling which I have an appointment scheduled on August 16th. I certainly hope my son will open up to a counselor. My goal in all of this is to lesson my ex's visitation time with the children. It might come down to me putting all the children into counseling. I know my daughter, who is 12, will speak her mind. She, too, will just say things to her father so he doesn't get angry with her. She hates his badgering. She's tried to put a stop to it but then he yells are her in return. I didn't know I would be able to charge him. I do write everything down. Sometimes, the problems I run into is during court. There are two judges that handle these cases. One just slaps his hand and the other is a father of 5 children, so he can see the kinds of things going on. It just depends on which judge I get assigned to my case. I believe there is too much familiarity inside the courtroom and that's why I get a raw deal with the judge, who just slaps his hand. However, on this recent case, I have the judge with 5 children. Back in February, he ordered my ex to jail if he didn't catch up on his child support payments. He expressed to my ex that taking care of his children was more important than his house and truck payments. Again, this ticked the ex off. However, he's still up to his usual B.S. like not paying support on time. I can never count on scheduled weekly payment. Sometimes, he will go a month or two without paying. I'm sorry your are dealing with the same thing. As long as we keep on fighting for what is right, we will end up on time, right??? That's what I keep telling myself. Thanks again and I agree, it seems like we do have the same ex's. Best of luck to you, too! ↑ |
| Name: Sheila | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 12:35 PM |
| To Crystal....Girl, PLEASE...go see a lawyer! Get your kids back... His lies can be fought! You need to stand up to him.. Your kids need their mother! Don't give up. My heart and soul goes out to you and your children. I had a similar situation that I really don't want to get into right now. But I fought my ex and won.. He said lies after lies about me in court and I fought him and I got my baby girl back. The judge sided with me. Good Luck ↑ |
| Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 3:55 PM |
| I know it is so hard pj754 . The men we married...I don't know why things end up the way they do. I wish there was some way we could know before we make that decision...but there isn't and we have to do what we feel is best in the long run. Unfortunately, our kids have to suffer. It seems no matter how hard we try to shelter them from the effects it doesn't protect them . Somewhere, someway, they will have to pay for what they are doing to our kids. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 17th, 2006 3:43 AM |
| TO Mini Mouse--Thanks for the kind words. There are some days, I want to just give in but the little voice in the back of my head tells me to keep going for the kids sakes. I doubt things will ever change unless the man goes to jail for a long time. Then I would have to deal with my son's aggression from loosing his father. He will probably blame me for his mistakes. Anyways, thanks again and you take care and I certainly hope things will get smooth for you. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 17th, 2006 3:51 AM |
| To Crystal---You need to get an attorney to help you fight for your children. You have to prove that the lies are untrue just like Shelia said. Do some research and find a very aggressive attorney that will fight tooth and nail. Although, you have to prepare yourself because it isn't going to be a cheap venture. You will have to spend a great deal of money in legal fees. You have to be very persistant. Don't give up. Hold your head up high and establish some witnesses that can testify how good of a mother you are to your children. Contact your doctor and have them do some blood work on you to prove that you are not doing drugs. Do you talk with your children's teachers at their school? What do you think they would say about you? Would they be willing to provide you with a letter of recommendation as to how well you interact with your children? Make yourself excessable in your children's lives. Call them if you are allowed to. Write them letters. Give them as much love as you can. It's not going to be easy and it will take a while but you can do it. I wish you great success and congradulations with your marriage and new baby coming. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 17th, 2006 4:02 AM |
| Update---I have won the custody battle of my oldest son. However, he's not very happy being here. He's very upset that he had to come back home. I'm hoping over time, he will adjust but his father has his teeth in him too tight. His father and I got into an argument last night and I had to call the police on him. He was making derrogatory comments about my husband and I which I explained to my ex that it needs to stop. Well, needless to say, he started raving like a lunatic. He's on the war path. He thinks he so smart but yet, he's so dumb because he made himself look very stupid in front of the children. Even the officer felt he has issues that he needs to take care of. This ex thinks he can constantly run his mouth and I'm going to stand there and take it. The officer said a person can only be poked with a stick for so long before that person fights back. I explained that I've had enough. I'm no longer going to keep my mouth shut. He explained that my husband and I need to keep filing our reports against him and eventually, the states attorney's office will get sick and tired of seeing his name and have him arrested. Boy, do I look forward to that day. He still thinks he doesn't have to follow any rules the court has set. The best part was when I went back to court, the judge apologized to me for the case going on as long as it did. He said it was his fault for granting my ex temporary custody and he was sorry for it. Thank goodness someone is finally listening. The persistance is paying off. I still have a bumpy ahead but it will get better. So, for anyone, who has to keep on fighting for your children, hang in there. You patience will pay off. Thank you ladies for listening. ↑ |
| Name: girly29 | Date: Sep 18th, 2006 12:38 PM |
WaHHHHOOOOOO!!!!!...Great to hear that things are finally going your way!!!!! :)....Your ex is my ex....your doing the right thing by standing your grounds with this man...he's running his mouth because he's jealous and pissed to see that your happy. Now that you've won the fight this makes him even more mad!!! LOL...
Sorry to hear you son's having a hard time adjusting....In time he will see he's best with you....atleast he's away from his father's verbal remarks towards you and everyone else....
Stick to your guns, anytime he calls write it down, time and date. I went out and bought a answering machine that records telephone conversations, everytime the ex would call I would record the conversation...The tapes ended up being useful for the first time my ex was charged with criminal harrassment...
Keep up the great work PJ754......take care, I'm soooo happy for you...your friend girly29... ↑ |
| Name: girly29 | Date: Sep 19th, 2006 11:32 AM |
| pj754....I tryed to send you a response to the e-mail you sent me some time back but my e-mail keeps coming back........ ↑ |
| Name: concernedmother2 | Date: Jul 26th, 2007 7:45 PM |
| I understand exactly how you feel and what you are going through. My ex is playing mind games with both of my children. My son now 14 is staying with his dad and I haven't spent any time with him since the day after Christmas. I have been told that he doesn't like my new husband and doesn't want to come stay with us at all and he blames me for our divorce. My ex has shown my children court documents and letters from our lawyers offices and other things. He has even filed a motion with all kinds of allegations that are lies. I have witnesses that are going to court with me to verify that they are lies. I am at a point that I don't know what else to do. My ex doesn't even encourage a relationship with me, he tells his lawyer that he does so he want be held in contempt of court. That's all they have to say and they are off the hook!!! I know this first hand. If I would have had in my papers that the police department or the Sheriff's department would assist if the children were not returned then I could have gone and picked him up. We are now going through counseling and I am praying that this counselor can help mend my relationship with my son. I have followed everything that my lawyer has asked me to do. I have given extra time and he has just today given me extra time for this weekend for an out-of-town function. Surprise surprise??? It makes me wonder what he's up too. My heart goes out to you because I think that they have made my son feel like I don't love him anymore. He has shut not only me out of his life but anybody on my side of the family(my mom, dad, brother greatgrand mother, my whole family). I guess what hurts the most is I have to find out things that my son is doing from other people. My ex doesn't let me know when he is involved in extra activities or anything. I have missed out on alot since December and none of them can ever be done over. Someone told me he was a passive aggressive person and when I think about it he does try to make my children feel sorry for him and think that he is the poor daddy that they mother left. I have had to beat him at some of his own games, but my children can't say that they have ever heard me say a negative word about their dad but they can't say that about him. We have recently had a mutal friend to come forward and tell me that she has heard some of the things that he has said about me in front of the children and she said that she understands why my relationship is like it is with my son. She told me that and my heart was crushed!!! She said that some of the things he would say were horrible. She said that that is all he wanted to talk about when they were around him. She said girl he is obsessed with you and making your life hell. This is a man that got remarried before me but can't leave me alone. If you have any suggestions for me, please tell me. I am glad I am not the only one out there that has to face things like this, but I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!!! ↑ |
| Name: concernedmother2 | Date: Jul 26th, 2007 8:13 PM |
| this is an add on after i read the other remarks that have been posted. I can't believe that our ex's are so much alike. My ex didn't want our son to go to counseling either. He also went around our small town and would talk to anyone who wanted to listen and even the ones that didn't want to listen about me. Everyone got tired of hearing it and said that he was trying to make people feel sorry for him. Also, my children were questioned like crazy about everything thing we did, where we went, who we saw, so on and so forth. I want to think my son got tired of being questioned and started lying to his dad about different things just so he could please him. I am so glad that you won custody of your son. I am afraid that my son will be the same as yours though. I don't want to make him upset if the court orders him to come stay with me. Please pray for me and my family. My new husband is taking this pretty hard that he is being blamed for the divorce and that I am the one that it is being taken out on. My son and current husband were bonding and developing a relationship and I think once his dad saw that, the only thing he knew to do was put a stop to it at whatever cost. If anyone has any suggestions for me, I am willing to listen at this point. ↑ |
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