This may be long, but I'm a newbie here, so hope you call can give me some good advice. My 17 yo stepdauther has been pulling away from me (her dad, too, but not as much) since around age 16. I've been her stepmom since 3-4 years old, her mom has never liked me, but "Heather" and I have always been close. The two sides of the family (ex-spouses, new spouses) just didn't see each other, didn't have interaction unless "Heather"had a big problem (not often, maybe twice-not a problem child), but we thought all was going good for blended family. Now last January 05. "Heather" comes out with how her mother has been badmouthing her dad and me the WHOLE TIME we've been together, saying her dad doesn't care about her, I broke up their marriage, even told a14 YEAR OLD girl that she (her mom)had an abortion when she & Haether's dad were divorcing.(That was a new surprise on me, I hadn't heard it) But, as I told Heather, THAT was none of my business becuase HER DAD & I WERE NOT TOGETHER WHEN HER PARENTS SPLIT UP. I didn't breakup their marriage, I was with a long time boyfriend at the time. I told her the truth about how her dad & I met, and her dad told her also, but she wants to believe her mom and has since pulled away from me. It is very hurtful and I feel ike I've just wasted 13-14 years of my life trying to love that little girl and treat her like my own.
She is an only child. Her dad & I never had any and her mom had no more, so there is bound to be some spoiledness in her, but as far as her throwing that her dad doesn't care in his face,,,We have never missed ONE visistation, ONE child support payment, she has gone on 4-6 vacations with us, gone to all her school functions, plus since her mother refuses to work, we have paid every penny of her private high school $8,000 yearly tuition (she's a senior), gave her my car when she turned 16, and will be paying for all of her college, tuition, dorms, any and all expenses. She does get very good grades & knows we are proud of that.
After the two year ago fight about her mom & me, things got a little back to normal, but we've never been as close as before that Then the car situation came up. She goes to school with very rich kids and wanted a NEW car when she was sixteen. We gave her my 1997 Taurus without a scratch on it and all mechanicals checked. (She always had been told she would get my car at 16) When I got MY newer car to replace the Taurus, she has resented me now for two years over it. She wanted to go to a class trip in Europe last year for 3 weeks (us paying of course) and I even took her side on that. Dad said no: money & fear of terrorism. I truly, truly, have been as good to Heather as I would my own child. I have only that once said anything derogatory about her mother, in self defense after being told about the lies being thrown at Heather about me. I have always know the best thing is not to put the kids in the middle. When Heather mouths off about how bad her mom is (as all kids will do)I just say, "I'm sorry about that" or "She just worries about you." things like that. I've never wanted viciousness and fighting.
I don't know how to act now. She makes it clear she doesn't think "steps" should be in on the discipline. But my husband plays in a band and now is gone most nights that she is here and due in. She is l/2 to hour late every time. Lately, I've just given up and go on to bed before she gets here. I'm starting to resent him badly for not being here on her weekends to enforce curfew. What hurts most is two weeks ago I let her & her dad fight it out over curfew the next day & didn't butt in with my views, then went out & said soemthing about how we used to be so close and for a couple years she seems to be pulling away from me & that I didn't think I had done anything for that to happen. She just didn't look or answer me. So I know now it's not my imagination.
How should a react to this situation? Not react? I can't MAKE her love me, but god, it really hurts that I feel I've loved her like my own for 14 years and has she NEVER loved me? I know the bit with the car is probably spoiled only-child stuff & she'll get over it when she grows up a little. But I've been avoided her this weekend because I'm hurt. When she's here between job & boyfriend, I pretend I'm sleeping or I went to a movie. Help please! ↓
|
|
| Name: tb4 | Date: Feb 26th, 2007 3:21 AM |
| Hi Casper----I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. Perhaps what Heather is going through is just a phase. She could be trying to find her place in this world and is wondering exactly where she fits in. Obviously, her mom has been feeding her all kinds of b.s. but your right, it truly doesn't have anything to do with you. Her mom still sounds angry over the divorce. Plus, you weren't suppose to step in and be with her ex, he was suppose to remain alone and miserable. It's her issue no one elses. However, it does sound like Heather is experiencing life in the fast track and wants more freedom from rules. While she is breaking curfew, she's hoping you would stand up for her opposed to ratting on her and is probably blaming you for not doing or saying anything in her defense. Yes, she does sound like she has a spoiled attitude over the car thing. However, she should be thankful she has a car to drive because some kids are not as fortunate. Yet, kids don't look at things like this. Perhaps, you can just give her some space and continue to take a step back. I'm sure she loves you but is trying to figure out her life. Maybe other kids/her friends are doing things that she's not allowed to do and is feeling somewhat left out. I know this hurts you but there's something that's going on with her that she isn't willing to share with you. Perhaps she's bottled the things her mom has said and done for so long that she's tired of keeping it all in. She sounds like she's trying to take a step into being a young woman and venting in all different directions. Give it some time and don't push her by trying to get her to talk with you. Let her come to you. She will when she's ready. Maybe, her mom is saying things that is really upsetting to her and she doesn't know exactly what to believe even though you and hubby have explained. She could be searching for answers but isn't getting them answered like she wants them to be. Also understand, she's 17 and is at the age that she wants to have her own life. It's kind of a leave me alone attitude, I don't need your help, I can do what I want, when I want. She'll come around to you again but only when she's ready too. Also think about the influence of her friends/boyfriend. They could have a bearing on why she's acting the way she is and she's trying to feel out her boundaries. I do hope things will get better. As far as her mom goes, your smart to avoid the disrupts. She may feel the need to protect her mom and she's at the age to do it. Just hang in there and keep your wits about yourself. This time will pass. I don't know if I offered you any good advice but I was trying to offer advice about how my attitude was when I was 17. ↑ |
| Name: casper | Date: Feb 26th, 2007 4:40 AM |
| Thanks, TB4! You have helped. This has been one of the worst two weeks of my life worrying about this. Knowing that you are 17 also helps. I do remember not being the nicest person to my mom in those years (and being so greatful that we both lived long enough for me to apologize & APOLOGIZ E for those days I was mean to her) and deep down I feel "Heather' is an intelligent girl and has spent 14 years with me & her dad,she HAS to know the stuff her mom is saying is not true, simply by how she has seen me lead my life. I am going to let that day come, pray GOd, and not make it worse by confrontner her about how she SHOULD feel about her dad & me, but let her realize how good she had it as she gets older. These boards will help though, and Thank you so much and God Bless, TB4, for your help. I wish you well! ↑ |
| Name: maryjane4175 | Date: Feb 26th, 2007 5:13 PM |
casper,
I am a step-mom too. My step-kids are 14 yo, & 12 yo. I have been a step-mom for 7 years now and I have noticed that now that they are getting older they are alot mouthier, and seem to be alot more defensive when it comes to their mother.
fortunately, their mother and I have never really had words. I bend over backwards to get along with her and she does the same for me, and my husband has allways kinda been their to help her and my relationship along, for the kids sake.
As for my ex, him and my new hubby have never met. It would not be good if they did.
Your right, you can't make her love you, but you can love her no matter what. If I was in this situation I would be as nice to her and her mother as I could even if she was being disrespectfull to you. When I say be nice I mean really be nice!!! Buy her things, defend her, take her to do fun things, but DO NOT let her walk on you!! When she tries to disrespect just say, "i love you" and walk away. This will do 2 things........it will make her even madder at you at first, then after a while she will realize that you love her no matter what and see that you are the better person and start being nice again.
When I was a child I hated my parents because my mother secretly had an affair and got pregnant and had an abortion. I was mad at her for chetting and then getting the abortion, and then I was mad at my father for staying with her and alowing her to abort my brother. She stuck in there with me no matter how disrespectfull I was to her untill I finally just broke and forgave her for making some bad dissions in her life like we all do, and now I am very close with both of my parents and they are more in love with each other than they have ever been in their whole 35 years of marriage.
Trust me, it will work. ↑ |
| Name: casper | Date: Feb 26th, 2007 9:27 PM |
maryjane, thanks for your reply. Her dad did talk to her mom today and she has been playing them against each other to some degree. I'm sure some of the things she has been saying her mom says about us are true, but many aren't and who know what she tells her mom about us. My husband and her mom need to sit down with her and get this straight. I don't think having me or her stepdad will help this time. In the past with moving her to private school and a couple other things were when her mom was pretending to accept me, but since the I know her mom hates me now, I don't know if it would cause more tension and less forthrightness if I were there. If both her parents think the steps should be involved, I will though. I will try the "kill her with kindness route" but it will be hard. I've led a very animosity-free life and if someone treats me badly for no reason, I usually just don't go around them anymore. I can't do that in this situation, so I'll try your suggestion.
Glad to hear about your parents trimuph over hard times. My parents have been together 52 years and worked through many hard times too. Happier than ever. Kind of gives us hope in our troubled times of marriage & kids, huh? ↑ |
| Name: tb4 | Date: Feb 27th, 2007 2:47 AM |
| Hi Casper---I'm glad I was able to offer you help but I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply I was 17. I guess my thoughts didn't get correctly typed. I was trying to give you incite what things were like when I was 17 many moons ago. I have a 14 year old, who is a real pain in the butt, too. I use to bend over backwards for him but my efforts have gone right out the window. He doesn't seem to appreicate anything I do for him and he reports to his father about how I'm such a horrible person to him. Yet, I have two other children that think differently. However, the counselor states my son's behavior is because of his age but I don't believe it. Alot of his attitude is based on the negative comments and behavior of his father towards me. It's tough but I'm fighting to keep a 14 year old on the right track to life but I'm fighting an adult, who has no moral responsibilties what so ever. Heather's influences could be wearing thin on her and she's lashing out. Just be patient! Also, maryjane offered good advice, too. In due time, she will come around but she has to find herself first. Thank you for your nice words, too. It's a pleasure to talk with you and hope to talk with you again. Take care and please, cheer up! Your not alone! ↑ |
|
|
