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Name: kaycee

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Advice is needed here. I am 25 years old with a 4 year old daughter. I have been married for 4 ½ years now. I think that we got married for all the wrong reasons. Because I was pregnant. He says its b/c he loved me and I say its b/c I was pregnant. I tried and tired with my husband to make it work, I told him over and over that I wasn’t happy and that things needed to change. And he took me and my statements for granted. He thought that I would never make it on my own and that I would never move out. So I moved out. We pretty much agreed on everything but the custody rights of our daughter. We both had 50/50, I had her one week and he had her one week. I wanted to stay in the same area so that she could still go to the same daycare/school and so on. During this time I had meet another man and was in love. Felt things for him that I have never felt for anyone else not even my husband. The only problem with this is, this other man is his cousin. Now they didn’t have much to do with each other just b/c they are total opposites. My new man did anything in his power to make sure that my daughter and I were taking care of. Things that own husband wouldn’t even do for me. The small things in life that matter. My husband thought that there was something up between his cousin and I, but I denied it. I wanted our divorce to be final before I told him any of that. My husband and I were separated for 8 months when his mother died. And something came over me that told me that I needed to be there for my husband and so on. Well over time I broke it off with the man I feel in love with and a couple months later I got back with my husband. I told the cousin that I needed to try and make this work for my daughter and that I didn’t care what anyone had to say. I didn’t care if I was happy or not. This is what I was going to do. My husband told me that he knew that he took me for granted and he was sorry and that he loved me and the he had changed. The whole time we were apart I heard all of this as well. And I had convinced my self that he’s just telling me all of this to get me back. But I seen that the changes were sticking and he had changed. We have been back together going on 4 months and he is back to his old ways. And everyday I still think about his cousin. I miss him so much. I feel like he has my heart. I feel like he is my soul mate. My PROBLEM is, I am not happy with my husband. I want to get the divorce finalized this time and move on? But im scared of hurting my husbands feelings again. Any help? ↓

Name: Kaycee | Date: Feb 7th, 2006 4:17 PM

Does anyone have any advice they can give me on how to make this easier for my daughter ↑

Name: Raina | Date: Feb 7th, 2006 5:43 PM

Hi Kaycee. If you have any love for your husband and think there may still a chance to be happy with him try marriage therapy with a recommended professional. It may sound cliche, but so many couples have regained the spark with help from the right therapist. This will give both of you the opportunity to explore areas you may each need to change to be happy with yourselves and each other. If then, over the course of time you find that things haven't improved, at least you've given it your best shot together and a split will be easier for each of you to process. The therapist can also guide you through a separation/divorce in a way that keeps your focus on the well-being of your daughter and on building a healthy co-parenting relationship.
If you are simply not in love with him and can't visualize your feelings changing, be as gently honest with him as possible. Tell him you're so afraid of hurting his feelings because you care for him deeply and because you respect him as the father of your child, but that you feel you've grown apart as a couple and have lost your feelings of intimate love for him. That over the last few months you've tried hard to nurture those feelings for him again, but no longer have them. You may also want to tell him that over the course of your separation you began to feel a connection to his cousin and that over time you foresee yourself getting to know him better. If you don't open this door yourself (without telling him directly that you were very involved), when he finds out - and he will - he'll be even more hurt as he may feel that you had lied to him and possibly conclude that you were cheating on him during the reconcilliation, regardless of any assurances you give him after the fact. If he gets it in his head that you've been dishonest, he'll likely be angry and this will not have a positive effect on co-parenting your child.
Food for thought. ↑

Name: Kaycee | Date: Feb 7th, 2006 9:07 PM

Raina
That is such good advice. Thanks alot. I feel like going to a therapist wouldnt change my feeling towards him. I truly feel that we have grown apart. My main problem is hurting his feeling b/c i know that he is still going through a lot when it comes to his mothers death. I know that theres someone else out there for him that will give him the love and attention that he deserves. ↑