| Name: Lory | Date: Apr 23rd, 2008 2:43 PM |
To all 3 of you ladies----I've been involved in this situation so long...(14yrs)...I've learned to predict what the x will do next....and TRY to stay a step ahead. I guess I've become numb & very bitter over the years. Still....I do not let it affect my family, or how I feel about my step kids. I think I've found some sort of peace with it all these days. I still get frustrated at times...but...life is too short to stay that way.
We're past all the visitation issues...with my oldest sd being 22, my middle being 20 this year ...and, my ss 17. NO...my ss does not call or come to visit....he seems to live happily with his mom & sd in their home....my dh gave up years ago trying to see him. He got tired of trying to fight the "lose/lose" situation. The older kids call when they need something..which is ok...b/c at least we can hear from them without having to beg the x to see or hear from them. IDK how long you all have been in this situation...but...I can tell you as the child/children get older.(grow up)..the madness gets a little less. And..tho the kids have their own lives now (we're very proud of them) My dh says his x thinks shes Mother of the Year too.....but ... we KNOW...it took both homes to raise the kids!! The kids still on holidays/birthdays call & tell their Dad that they love him...the x cannot stop the love/bond between them. After all these years...all I can say is we did the best we could for them...at all times. I wish all of you the best..and pray you find some sort of peace dealing with all of your situations. It does get a lil easier as the kids grow up & are responsible for their own families. Hang in there ladies.....my dh was def worth it! ↑ |
| Name: 2nd Wife Too | Date: Apr 23rd, 2008 5:19 PM |
| Lory - thanks for your reply. I have been a Step Mom for 7 years..10 years with my husband, so long enough to laugh when you say that you can predict what is going to happen and TRY to be ahead of it. We take bets on dates when it will happen, b/c it is so predictable. I have to admit, I have 3 more years until both girls are 18 - and I am so looking foward to that day..and only b/c there will be so much less that the ex can pull. I have said it a few times, but the 2nd wives, are in a club all of our own..and I firmly believe that no one can fully appreciate or understand it, unless they live it. The kids may turn out to be wonderful, but it will always because they had a great Mom (or so Mom will tell them) ...I don't know, but if the girls had a stable life with us, with constant love, and good life lessons and examples, I think we deserve some of the credit too. We may never fully get the recognition that we deserve, but we KNOW what we have provided to the kids...and they deep down they know it too. ↑ |
| Name: Zanett | Date: Apr 24th, 2008 2:47 PM |
| Boy I could not only write a book I have enough material to write a sequence of books. Unfortunately by using the children as a pond the X only damages the children themselves. They are putting themselves before their children, in which a good parent would never do. My X could have seen or called, our children any time even though I cared not to ever have contact with him. Most of these women get the green eyed devil and only think of themselves, not the damage they are doing to their kids. Well a child has two parents good or bad. Like I told my step daughter I will discuss anything with you but, not your mother. Now that the children are all grown up neither X’s has any business calling us. Even when they are young I did not chit chat I got the kids right away or made the conversation short. You do not need to answer their questions on how the kids have been, how to raise them etc.. Your home is your business and an outsider has no right butting in. Take that control away from the controlling X. The X wife can try all sorts of crap by using the children. Hummmmmm wonder what the X’s chat room would be like for the present wives . You know the hardest years are when the children are young. But, ladies once they are grown it is up to them to keep contact with their fathers. Not the X calling and making arrangements. Also the children are grown and old enough to realize that they can not have Dad and Mom at all gatherings etc.. Yes at weddings and special occasions you will cross paths. But, not for birthdays holidays, etc. you do not let me repeat that DO NOT have to put up with the X calling coming by etc…time to put your foot down. Oh keep the X’s out of your home. They do not need to come in and see the kid’s room toys etc.. It’s your house….and once the kids are grown they really have no business in your life the X’s that is. ↑ |
| Name: joy 2 | Date: Apr 24th, 2008 6:38 PM |
| I'm glad I found you guys...I feel like I'm losing it and need desperate advice. I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. We are going to be married in September. We truly love each other and I trust him...but then there is the "ex". They have a 5 year old and I love her dearly. She comes to our home every weekend. My problem is the ex wants to call him at work on the cell daily to chat. He feels like he has to be social. I'm sick of it. At his daughters b-day party it was awkward enough but then she starts asking him how to fix her car, where to take it, etc...It pissed me off. She called the other nite to see why her smoke detector wouldn't shut off. When she comes to pick up their daughter she hangs around and sits on the porch or whatever to chat. To make things worse is our home was their home before. We are not finanacially ready to move so I feel like I'm living in her house. I have started to check the cell bill to see how often she calls. I hate this cause it's not like me. I think he covers a lot about her calling because it creates tension with him and I. I'm about ready to give up but I desperately love him. Can u guys help me with what to do please! This is the only thing we ever argue about and I've gotten to the point of just shutting down and not saying nothing. ↑ |
| Name: 2nd Wife Too | Date: Apr 24th, 2008 7:25 PM |
| Joy 2 - hi. First congratulations on your upcoming wedding. This is only one person's opinion, and I had never been married before marrying my husband. The truth - I believe that the "ex" situation will only get worse once you get married. I had a decent and fairly pleasant relationship with my husband's ex until we got married, but it deteriorated significantly after that and ever more so after we had our daughter who is now 5. Red flags go up all over the place when I see you write that she calls often, wants to have her ex fix her car, or recommend where to go, and hangs around on the porch. She is not over him, and still believes that this house, is her house. At all costs, I recommend to save what you can and move when you can to a place you both choose -- b/c you will never feel like this is your own life or home if you stay in the same house.. I honestly wish I could tell you differently, but this is a very very tough role to take on - Step Mom, and I would be lying if I said it will get easier. I will share with you the greatest of arguments and stress and strain over the years in our home, have been primarily caused b/c of the"ex" factor. I respect that you love your future husband tremendously, but don't shut down on talking about it or telling him how you feel. What you feel now will only build up if you don't get it out on the table and you are equally entitled to find happiness in your upcoming marriage. Suggestion - I did not do this, but wish I had. Going to a family counselor or someone who can help you talk through some of your concerns with your husband before you walk down the aisle, may be one of the best things you can do. I had no idea that it would be this hard -- I had a clue -- but getting some professional advice and counseling,, would have been money well spent. It is, bar none, a very tough dynamic dealing with an "x", who no matter what the cause of the break-up of the marriage was, does not want her ex-husband to move on or find happiness- it will kill her. Read as much as you can, and seek advice - not telling you at all to not do this, but make sure you are fully prepared for the reality of what is to come. I wish you only the best! ↑ |
| Name: joy 2 | Date: Apr 24th, 2008 8:04 PM |
| Thank You 2nd wife for answering...I'm in tears cause it eats me up inside. If I don't shut down and hold it in then it leads to an argument. I'm tired...so tired. I didn't mention it but she left him...has been remarried then divorced after 2 months. She acts all sweet but I can see thru her...I can't confront him about knowing about the calls all the time cause then he'd know i've been looking at the bill and think I don't trust him...I do but I don't trust her...God I want to think it gets better but it hasn't so far...I would confront her but then I don't want her to know I even care. I want to marry him but not like this...I feel very lost over this. Thanks again ↑ |
| Name: 2nd Wife Too | Date: Apr 24th, 2008 9:28 PM |
| Joy 2 - You deserve happiness. I hope this all works out for you. Please seriously consider speaking to a family counselor prior to the wedding- even if it is just you - and explain the situation. You shouldn't feel so torn up inside - this should be a happy time. My husband's ex also left him and got remarried and is divorced a 2nd time. I'm sorry to say that that has not helped her easing up on him or our family. I think she actually regrets her decision - so everything now is a power play. You are actually in a good spot where you can really think about this and make a good decision for both of you. I don't know your personal situation - and whether this is your first marriage coming up or not. For your own good, think long and hard about everything and you will come to a decision that is right for you. I am sure things will work out the way they are meant to. Again, good luck! ↑ |
| Name: Shelly | Date: Apr 25th, 2008 1:15 AM |
| Name: Shelly | Date: Apr 25th, 2008 1:22 AM |
| Hi, I am going through a hard time with my husband, he and his exwife tend to talk too often, which he hide from me, I saw this on the phone bill and he just make up stories to go with it, I am not sure of his feelings for me, He said he loves me but I believe different. I just need a honest marriage. Now he's looking a totally different man I knew at first and married. I think one day I am going to divorce him, if he does not change by this year July. I will not take any more lies and stress. ↑ |
| Name: Shelly | Date: Apr 25th, 2008 1:24 AM |
| Can some one talk to me now, I am going out of my mind, I really do need someone to talk to right this second, pleaseeeeeeeeeeee. ↑ |
| Name: Zanett | Date: Apr 25th, 2008 5:27 PM |
| Shelly I do hope you get back on line, so either I or some one can talk with you. ↑ |
| Name: 2nd wife | Date: Apr 25th, 2008 6:33 PM |
| Joy 2 - My husband's x wife tried to seduce him before we got married. He told her that it was never going to happen. Then she finally met someone. That lasted 6 months. Before our wedding she tried to stop their daughter from being in it - we were in court one week before. They know what they lost and can't face reality. You should definitely talk to someone - I am starting counseling next week because I'm sick of the crap she pulls. Every month it's something new. My husband is great, he really can't stand her. She's evil but we know that since they have a child together she'll be involved until the little one is old enough to make her own decisions. When children are involved the x- will be involved. I'm going to counseling to try to stop my bitterness. When I'm near her - I smile at her - I know it burns her butt when she sees me. Never never show you are upset or angry. She'll just feed in to it. Let her think that everything is great (even if it's not). You need to find happiness. ↑ |
| Name: joy2 | Date: Apr 25th, 2008 8:32 PM |
| Hey 2nd wife..Thanks for talking to me, I feel so alone in this. No I never show her any emotion but kill her with kindness. I was married for 20 years with my first husband...I'm 42 now and am wiser...but I know how u feel being bitter...I tend to shut down and just keep going, but it will build up then explode. I swear the only thing we ever argue about is her....he has his shutters on i suppose or men are just ignorant...(i think the last one lol) I love him dearly but feel a lot of emotions about this...he will not set boundaries with her cause he calls it "restrictions" I call it respect. He wants whats best for his daughter but everything can't always be cheery. Hes very laid back and would rather things just go smooth then to cause conflict. Its good to talk with you, I swear I feel like I'm losing it at times, to many tears to continue like this...i don't like it at all. ↑ |
| Name: 2nd wife | Date: Apr 30th, 2008 6:38 PM |
| Well she's at it again. We just found out about a gynmastics rehearsal for a show. My husband asked about it and her reply is: I'm all set. He said, well I'm her parent too and I pay for this too. Her reply: I'm all set. It's so awful. I feel so bad for him. Because she's the mother she thinks she can say and do everything without telling him anything. He has to find everything second hand. I seriously can not stand this woman. Why on earth does the court system give these woman all the control. They don't realize there are good dads out there who could raise the child so much better. I'm losing it. ↑ |
| Name: 2nd Wife Too | Date: Apr 30th, 2008 10:25 PM |
| Well Hello 2nd Wife - here's the deal - it is a no win situation. If you husband reacts, then the x has him exactly where she wants him and you - all upset by this. It is a power trip b/c she is unhappy. My advice, b/c I think we are living the exact same life, is to just ignore her. After a while her shenanagins will not be fun if she doesn't get a rise out of both of you. I feel for your husband's daughter, b/c she is getting the short end of the stick. I know she is little, but since you can't fight it without having your blood pressure rise- don't. Once the x sees that she can't get under your skin, it won't be fun for her. She'll continue to do this - but just dont fight it. Stupid is as stupid does and she is certainly stupid. ↑ |
| Name: Trying2cope | Date: May 1st, 2008 6:01 PM |
2nd Wife--
Is there a way to let teachers, gymnastic instructors, etc. know about the delicate situation you all are in? This way, they can directly inform you and your husband of the schedule of events so you don't have to depend on the X for information? My step-children's school always try to notify both sets of parents of special events. It's a little bit of extra work on their part, but they realize it's important for the childs' well being. It's worth a shot. Unfortunately, she has you right where she wants you. If your husband tells her he'll stop paying for half the activities if she doesn't keep you all in the loop, she will turn around and tell your daughter she can't participate 'cause "Daddy doesn't want you to". Good Luck. ↑ |
| Name: 2nd Wife | Date: May 2nd, 2008 12:24 PM |
| He's the one who informed her of the gymanstics rehearsal. She said, I already spoke to them about it - it's all set. He said, how would you even know the scheduled just came out. We never know if she's telling the truth or not. He's actually going tomorrow to speak to the woman at gymnastics. She's just so miserable in her life she wants everyone else to be miserable. I spoke to a counselor yesterday and she pretty much said, ignore her, if she has something to say, do not react. She wants a reaction and if you don't give it to her she'll have nothing to fight about. We'll see how that goes, it's so hard not to. Thanks so much. I'm sure the saga will continue. ↑ |
| Name: Melissa | Date: May 6th, 2008 6:18 PM |
Hello, I recently just viewd this information online and have the same problem with my husbands exwife, daughter and mother.
The ex has the daughter so messed up about things that went on between her and my husband, it is not appropiate.
My stepson is crazy about me, although he can get a little mouthy, and it drives her (the x) nuts.
My stepdaughter does not come over anymore becasue she goes home and tells lies to her mother that my husband just told her then not to come over. If it was up to me I would make her come over and make her life hell like they both do mind.
But you know what goes around comes around and I am trying to let God handle it, but it is very hard.
If I were you, and beleive me I am having to bite my tongue on this only because I am trying to learnhow to hadle this. I would just tell your husband to tellthe kids" Okay fine dont come over if it measn I have to hear that they are bored and have no freinds there, why make you both miserable and just have more time for yourselves.
In time they will see that their mother is at fault and need their father later. My stepdaughter still does not talk to me and doesnt even tell her father hello when she sees him, but again he is not loosing any sleep over it. I did finally read Dr Phils book about stepfamilies maybe that would help. ↑ |
| Name: applejack_28 | Date: Jun 4th, 2008 8:15 AM |
| I am the "x wife"- although I am not the type to belittle my childs father and in fact am very cordial and appreciative of him. My 16 year old son feels the same way about the every other weekend visits to his dads house..... his dad lives 60 miles away from friends and activities and at this age is just not in to hanging out with dad- His dad and I got together and thought of common activities that they could do together to intice him to come visit- for his birthday he bought my son some expensive fishing tackle and rod- etc - also, his dad likes to bowl and so does my son so they plan that outing together- Tell your husband not to get his feelings hurt it is just a stage these kids are going through and it doesnt mean they love him any less. As far as you guys dealing with the x wife- I am dealing with an x wife right now in my new marriage who beats anything I ever knew!!! My best advice - kill her with kindness- my step daughter and son have no TRUE idea how I feel about their mother and on the contrary think we are best of buds- she can't belittle me because if she did they would think, "why would mom talk bad about her, she is soooo sweet to her!!" :) I send her birthday cards and mothers day cards and tell her all the time how much we appreciate her for taking care of the kids!!! I know this is sneaky but I promise it works- if in your situation it is too late for this unfortunately I would just grin and bear it- two wrongs dont make a right. Good luck!!!! ↑ |
| Name: Shelly Marie | Date: Jun 14th, 2008 12:17 PM |
| I am totally there with you. MY dh and his x do not get along and i have been married to him for 11 yrs and I hear him say negative things about his x to his kids and i tell him he is wrong. More recently i have come to feel very disrespected and used by his 3 kids 16,18 and 23..they bad mouth me behind my back , send mean emails , call me names and all i have ever done is show them love unconditional like they were my own. My dh and i have our own daughter together and i feel my stepkids are jealous of her because i give her so much love and there is a stronger bond between us and should i apologize for that? i think not. Im starting counsleing because i am almost at a nervous breakdown. I recently found out that my ss has been using me, lying to me and i feel totally betayed because he is chimming along with his sisters and undermining me behind my back.i always thought he really cared about me and was a good kid. How long do i have to wait for this to pass? until they move out. Im so frustrated and worried how this will effect our daughter together. i want to fix everything. Frankly i think my stepkids are still hurt over thier parents divorce and i dont know how to help them. thier mother lives 5 miles from us, shes the "fun"parent who buys them cell minutes and lets them stay at her house alone when shes out of town. i know they are having parties when shes not there but theres nothing i can do. all i can say is , its not my house!!! im totally tired of this toxic triangle and unappreciated tone i always get . Help!!!! ↑ |
| Name: newman2005 | Date: Jun 25th, 2008 11:51 PM |
| I am dealing with a soon to be ex-wife that was so furious and jealous about her husband moving on (whom she left - stating no possible reconciliation). She has committed fraud, lied about possible sexual misconduct of the father with one of the boys and being totally uncooperative. He has seen his children 3 times for less than 30 minutes each in the last year, even though they have determined there was no misconduct and she retracted the statement 3 months later, then fired her sleezy attorney. The hildren have been so brainwashed that they really believe all of the lies they are being fed. Court appointed 3rd counselor and no relief. We are to be married in the next month and refuse to allow her to ruin our lives with her sick, miserable and manipulative ways. All we can pray for is the day thechildren figure out what has gone on. There are restraining orders in place since she tried to break the glass on our vehicle in a drunken stupor over her jealousy. She has and will try anything in her power to try and hurt him or me. She now gets into voodoo and still reads in the Catholic Church. I have never seen a more sick individual in my entire life. ↑ |
| Name: 2nd Wife Too | Date: Jun 27th, 2008 1:01 AM |
| To Newman 2005 - I haven't been on this site in a while, but a few months ago a few of us shared some very similar stories. I think we've all determined that there is a "sickness" of sorts - something that just snaps in the ex-wife, that if they don't want the ex husband, then no one should want him. I guess it is a big bruise to an ex-wife's ego that they choose, at least in your situation, to leave their husband, and that someone spectacular (I'm sure) has come into his life. Thus, the ex-wife is not as indispensable as she once thought. I haven't shared a lot of stats on my situation, but I am soon to be 42, and have one biological daughter with my husband. who is 5. My husband has two children who I have been a step Mom to for 10 years. I had not been married before, and as you can tell, was a later in life Mom. I remember sitting with my first cousin before I got married, and she was a Step Mom with no children of her own. I will never forget her words, "being a step mom is a very underappreciate role and one that no one can fully understand unless you are one" WOW, was she right. I don't want to give an editorial on this site, but I was very glad to find it as I realized that I am not alone and that so many of us go through the same thing. In the end, there can be bad ex husbands and bad ex wives. It's just a syndrome more often I believe that the ex wifes really second guess themselves when the husband moves on. I really hate that divorce is so prevelant, but I for one have a good husband and wonderful father to my daughter, so my husband's ex-wifes loss, was truly my gain. I've said this to others, and I don't know your situation, i.e. were you married before, are you blending families, etc, but I have said to others in some of my replies that I wish I had gone to a family counselor prior to getting married. I am Catholic and do want to only get married once, but even after 8 years of marriage, I was never prepared for all that would come our way. I took it all very seriously and got sick over the stupidity too many times. I gave the ex-wife too much power in my own head, and only ...and I mean only after 10 years together, did I finally find peace. My step daughters do happen to be wonderful, loving girls who are stupendous kids. I know that they realize what is going on and that they love me for the care and support I have provided to them. Their mother has gone so far off the deep end, that I need not do anything..the girls are so smart and see it for what it is. My advice therefore, is please see a counselor with and without your husband to ready yourself - it will get worse before it gets better. My second piece of advice - as I lost way too much sleep over the years - ignore as much as possible. Don't react. Honestly, most of these ex's want some form of connection and want to create drama. Don't give them any power to do so. Find it funny...laugh at the stupidity. Joke with your soon to be husband, but don't fight her back. The sooner she sees that you both are just going to forge ahead, very soon, she will die down. Be good to the kids always..show them love and support. All the rest will work itself out. Best of luck!! PS - How are all my cyber friends doing - Lory, Joy2, 2nd Wife, Trying2Cope? Hope everyone has had a quiet few months...:) ↑ |
| Name: newman2005 | Date: Jun 27th, 2008 11:53 PM |
Dear 2nd WifeToo,
Thank you SOOO much for your realistic, understanding and encouraging words. I am definitely going to take your advice. Realizing now that there are such sick people that will hurt their own children for their insecure, selfish needs tears me apart. This realization has been the hardest of all. When you live your life trying to do and be the best you can be it is very hard to admit that these other people with such "sickness" do exist. My soon to be step children don't even know me. Even worse, they hate the one person who has been for them and with them 110%. It breaks my heart for them and for their father. Our situations are quite similar. I am going on my second marriage and chose not to have children. We plan on having one, and I will have 2 step sons. We should have married years ago, but I was much younger then - 21-2. I am now 37. I, like you have waited until later in life to have a child. We are planning to do so in the next couple of years. We have to go on with our lives and one day his two boys will figure this out and appreciate our life, his role as their father and their one day half sibling. For now we will do what we can, follow the rules of the court and pray for the day acceptance is instilled in our hearts over what has happened to us and them. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. You give me hope and your insight is a great form of guidance in helping me steer straight on my right and obvious course. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ↑ |
| Name: Trying2cope | Date: Jul 3rd, 2008 3:57 AM |
| Hello there 2nd Wife Too, I guess when it comes to dealing with a psycho X, "no news is good news". Things have been pretty mellow since the mediation a few months ago. The main thing I'm dealing with is trying to not feel like a hostage in my own home. You know, having all my dirty laundry relayed to the X when the kids go back to her every other week. Like I have to be June Cleaver or something! So since that is the only issue right now and I'm not being called every name in the book (at least to my face), I guess life is good! hahahaha. ↑ |
| Name: ann | Date: Jul 14th, 2008 3:20 PM |
| I am the ex wife in another situation, and my children too do not want to go see their dad. It is not anything I have done because I have had to remind them every week for 7 years how much he "loves them and misses them too" My ex put my children in harms way and has a terrible temper, so I understand why they would not want to go from a calm peaceful home to one that is full of hate and anger. I too do not like his current wife because she talks bad about me to my children......my daughter just recorder her on her cell phone talking trash about me for an hour. This woman went so far as to put my child in a magazine and list herself as her mother after only knowing her for a couple months...she is truely crazy!!! She even got tatoos on her about my children, again after only knowing them a couple months. I am not jealous of her I just dont' like her. Another thing on child support he is self employed so he hides his income. I have tried to get along and do the right thing but with family it is not possible, just remember there is always another side to every story. ↑ |
| Name: Donna | Date: Jul 31st, 2008 2:06 AM |
Honey, I am now married for the 3rd time and I knew him (somewhat) for 12 years prior and we had this HUGH talk before we dated and guess what it was not all out there on the field, I know one of his ex's and she bad mouths him and he flipping bad mouths her allllllll! the time. Well you know it takes two to make it and I really wish I wasn't such a fool to not ask her why she found a boyfriend as we just hit two years and he was pissed off as I was in the hospital with my 14 year old daugher as she had to have surgery. And it goes more than that. but THEY (ME) are EX's for a reason. Like I said it takes two.and It just doesn't always work, LIFE BITES!!!!!!!!!!
BEING second or third you will be the same way eventualy! ↑ |
| Name: AAgirl | Date: Aug 7th, 2008 3:37 PM |
| mlevy, wow. I bet we live across the world from each other and we are going through the same exact thing. We had the same exact issue come up last night and my husband is so heart broken. He also has paid his support from day one, has had them religiously according to the court papers and gives them everything he has, even after he doesnt have much left. Now the kids are saying it's not enough. She was also the one who left him for another man and he didnt want the divorce because they have kids togather.The sad part is the kids are only 8,10 and 12 and there mother tells them they dont have to see thier dad if the dont want to. Then we are the bad guys for "forcing" them to see us when we believe its the right thing for kids that young. No matter what we do we are going to be the bad guy and we are going to suffer either way. ↑ |
| Name: AAgirl | Date: Aug 7th, 2008 3:45 PM |
| I totally agree with some of you that the kids have a right to choose but is it the right thing to do when the kids are 8,10 and 12? I personally think they are really young to make choices like that. They need to know disapline and they need to be around thier father that cares so much for them. Am I wrong? Please tell me. I would love to get some support and have some friends that go through the same thing. Feel free to email me [email protected]. Thanx ↑ |
| Name: Brian | Date: Aug 14th, 2008 5:37 AM |
| Its all about money and power.............women want both and to destroy men in the process. ↑ |
| Name: nice2008 | Date: Aug 14th, 2008 7:18 AM |
| Fancy a wonderful date with business men/women, and funny people...? www.soloparentdate.com Only several minutes to create a full lifetime personal chemic ads... start your search, have fun with these interesting singles/non-singles from all over the world. ↑ |
| Name: dazed&confused | Date: Sep 3rd, 2008 10:08 PM |
| Wow I never realized how much this actually occurs in divorced families. I am recently engaged after a year of dating. My soon to be hubbie has 2 girls, 13 and 8. They divorced when the youngest was 6 mos old. I myself do not have children I tried but it just didn't work out I lost them both. In the beginng of all the madness with the EX i though tit was me. That I didn't understand because I didn't have kids. I thouhgt that I was being to impatient. The EX for 8 yrs now has told the kids that dad doesn't pay child support, that he doesn't want to take care of them. She tell him if he shows up at one of the kids events she will not let them participate in that event. The kids think that dad doesn't care about them. I am lost. There is never any set schedule and if he can get one from her she will change it 10 times before we are to get them. If we are supposed to pick them up on a friday we generally don't get them til Sunday afternnon sometime, and never find out until the last minute everyday....oops not tonight the girls are doing something, oops not today the girls are wanting to do something. He doesn't want o ruin their (the kids lives) so he does as little to rock the boat as possible. To that end he never see's the kids unless its convient for her. The police have been called so many times in the past 8 yrs I can't count. If he was out with anyone and had the kids she would call the poiice and have them go get the kids in the middle of a resteraunt, ball game ..it really didn't matter where it was he only had to be doing something with someone else. He had a girlfrind years ago, and would have to go stay with his mother or at a hotel before she would let him see the kids. They divorced because she lied to him on several things. The first being she was on 5 yrs probation for Identity theft and credit card fraud. The second was the fact he was and is in business for himselff and she stole some of his busniess CC and ran them up in 2 weeks to the tune of $110,000.00. More felony charges. The court let her off because the CC company made a deal that she pay them back.....not to mention the fact his credit was ruined. Oh and did I mention she somehow convinced his father to invest in "her" business to the tune of more the $100K. I know it all sounds like a movie.....but it is true. I have been in the picture a year now. In that year he has seen is oldest maybe 4 times. The younger he gets more because she ask to come over. In that year the police have picked her up 3 times while the kids were home and she left them home alone (she does it all the time anyway). I think that is to younf 8 and 13, but again I don't have kids so who am I to say. When we first got together she ask if we could all get along for the kids sake. Ya know family kid birhtdays and that kind of stuff., so I went to her house for the B-day party for the 8 yr old. I went to a theme park with the EX and the 2 kids and me for 11 hrs........I tried nice.....it didn't work...She ask me and my future hubbie to plese get the kids school cloths so I took them shopping.....she calls me screaming that I am trying to buy her kids love....She leave horrible horrible ugly voicemails if we don't pick up her 20 or more calls or emails a day. She thinks that she should be able to call the house 24 hrs a day for anything. I have tried asking for boundries, and asking nicely.....like "please don't call after 9:30 if the kids are here...they are already in bed, if they aren't here why are you calling anyway if its not an emergency. She walks in and out of hsi store anytime she wants "just to go to the bathroom"...the polie say they can't do anything because it is a public place. Even thouhg he also owns the building. If she comes in if doesn't acknowledge her she get all pissy and causes a scene. The kids thought she had a terminal illness because that is how she puts it when she says she is "getting her affairs in order" because her arrest 2 time ago is pretty severe. we just don't know yet if she will have to do jail time. The kids ask me whats wrong with mom, where is she going? How do I answer that. They are 8 and 13 not deaf and stupid. She then later tells the older one that she has done some bad things and may have to go away for a while? Where is mom going she ask me....how do I answer that....To hear the EX talk both kids are scared to death of their dad....but when I see them together they are fine....the kids probably don't talk to their dad about certain things they talk to me about....but I hide nothing .....nothing from their dad...The EX says so many horrbile things I can't repeat them all.....I have kept a diary to try and help my sanity.....but the last straw was when she called and cursed me out for doing exactly what she ask....the kids to get school cloths....she not only said i was trying to buy them, and make them hate her (not sure how) but ask me why I was doing this to her? doing what I ask....her answer Stabbing her in the back.....ok I still don't understand......still lost......she then says again..how could you do this to me? all I have done is let you love my kids......DUDE I lost it.......I am not an angry person....am not an ugly person...I don't yell and scream....its just not who I am..or should I say who I was.......I don't know what to do.....I understand he want to see his kids....what do I do? where do I fit in? how do I encourage......I did for the first year, but my gas tank is empty....their mother is a lieing thief and they think their own father is a scum bag? She said she like me in the beginning but after she found out I wasn't going away and that some of her control was gone...she has lost what little mind she had......she won't return his phone calls, won't return emails, and we haven't seen the kids or talk to them in over two weeks this time.....and here is the kicker....this time she fianlly gets to balme someone other then him.....the kids ask me some questions and I did not lie.....I didn't go into detail, but I did not lie. the older one ask me waht she was supposed to do when the cops came for mom again? I ask her what she meant.....mom got mad at her for telling the police she was home.....she told the poor child that the poice were wrong that they had made a mistake and from now on to just ell them she wasn't there........HOLY CRAP what do you say to that.....The 13 yr old is not bio his he adopted her when she was 3..he pays child support for both mind you because he is legally responsible for both and loves them both....the EX has told the older that dad favors the younger because she is his.....The EX calls the 8 yr old by his name....and torments about it..how do I know this...because she and the kids tell me..she thinks its funny......ok...again am I the one thats stupid..the kids hear her over and over bad mouth their dad..then call her his name? OMG......I am at my wits end.....I need help... ↑ |
|
|
