My fiancee and I have been together for just over a year and plan to marry soon. I get on great with his family and the kids and I love each other. As usual, the ex tries to cause rifts and play games. We weren't together long when I realised what she was up to and my poor partner was held hostage to her demands. I quickly stepped in and said that this behaviour would have to stop as I would not have someone else dictating my life which now obviously included my fiancee.
The first thing I suggested to him was to treat her arguements as a tug of war game and that it takes two to play, if he doesn't pick up the other end then she has no-one to fight with. The results were obvious almost immediately. I suggested that he not rise to her text messages, simply to accept that she is the way she is and he will never be able to change it. His energies are best spent elsewhere. So the pointless, downputting, stupid text messages fell away to almost nothing when she realised she wouldn't get a rise out of him.
He has stopped going into her house to pick up the children as he was able to see that this just caused arguements. He has no reason to talk to her other than about issues with the children so this was an almost instant result.
Normally when he dropped them off she would text and have something to say about what the kids had eaten/done/seen/been etc. We now take bets on how long it will take her to text!
When trying to sort out Christmas Day arrangements to accomodate us more, we were simply asking to have the kids a few hours earlier than normal. We feel that as it stands it's really unfair on us so we asked for more time with the kids. It doesn't matter what we say, she always has a come back and before I came into my fiancees life these conversations would get drawn out and pointless. Now if she goes off on one, he replies that she is avoiding the point and please get back on track. We do not discuss things (mostly the past) that she brings up, but always ask if she could keep to the point at hand.
It can get a bit tense but remember that it doesn't matter what you do or say, she'll have a come back or it won't be right for her blah blah blah. If you have a strong relationship and can laugh at her expense all the better. It won't change how often you get to see the kids or her attitude but it will hopefully stop your relationship breaking up.
We reinforce to the kids just how much we love them and how much we care for them. We don't spoil them though. We give them disipline, we teach them how to have manners at the dinner table. We encourage them to play nice together. We talk them through difficult situations together. They get to see how their mother does things and how we do things differently. If they come to us in their school uniform I wash, dry and iron it before they go home. Even if when it gets home it gets used as a bed by the cat, at least then when the kids grow up they will know that we always had their best interests at heart and that our home was full of love and warmth and laughter. Not berating of ex partners and screaming matches etc.
It may take some time to come into effect but it will be worth it in the end. Good luck to everyone out there who has the misfortune to have a partner with a loopy ex. ↓
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