Hello, guest
Name: anysuggestions?
[ Original Post ]
I am married to a wonderful, hard working and loving man. My one challenge with our situation is his ex wife and how she manipulates their 12 year old son to ensure she has the control in the relationship. My husband is a good dad. He is always trying to be there for his son and providing the best for him, whether it be bonding boys weekends away, access to extracurriculars, teaching life skills or just plain being there on the every other weekend he is supposed to have him, he tries his hardest to ensure his son has the best future possible. His ex-wife is constantly bad mouthing my husband to his son and trying to undermine anything he tries to do. If we go on a special weekend together as a family, she will not let us see him, for the next 4-6 weeks saying he is "sick" and doesn't want to come. She has guilted his son into not picking up the phone when his dad calls so there is no communication between visits. She is now saying that her son no longer wants to visit his dad and that he is "ruined" every time he goes home after a visit with us which I can't understand because we are nothing but loving and supportive to him. My husband has offered to go to counselling with her to help come to a co-parenting arrangement that works but she refuses saying it isn't her problem. My husband's exwive's world is rather small, she does not have a job, does not have a peer group and has trouble keeping a relationship so I don't believe she has a good support system to bounce problems off of which is why we thought counselling would help. I believe she feels like she is losing control which is why she is manipulating him in this way. In the long run both my husband and I fear for what will happen to his son in the future if we are not a part of his life but we feel at a loss to help. Any advice?
Your Name


Your Reply here

Name: lanell | Date: Dec 3rd, 2009 5:06 PM
I realy feel for you guys because my husband and I have been through the same thing. this women must be a very unhappy and very unstable person, nothing justifies her behavior she is causing more harm to her own son and may not even realize it until the end.your husband is going to have to make some tough decisions so that this does not have any type of affect on your marriage there is nothing you can do about the mom that wants to control everyone in her manipulating games and schemes . if he can not get any justice by bringing her to court then my advice would be to back off as long as she knows she could control you throuh the child then that is what she will do. I think that it is so unfair to use children that way. you and your husband are not the villains.the ex needs to know her boundaries after all she would not like it if the shoe was on the other foot. 

Name: B&R stepmom | Date: Aug 15th, 2010 5:59 AM
Hello, I'm wondering if you've had any replies? I am a stepmom and have been for 16 1/2 years. All our children are grown now (thought I had survived the worst of it all) but with the birth of our grandson, his ex has gotten even worse. She doesn't talk with us and plays innocent when confronted. She has both her children completely brainwashed STILL. My husband thought he was doing the right thing to help HIS children by telling them to mind and obey their mother so she wouldn't yell at them. She would call when she couldn't get them to do as she said and my husband would back her up. She never once backed him up. Our boy needed to have something to occupy his time when he was getting early dismissal everyday from school and we brought up the idea of him getting a job that would also make him help pay his car insurance we were met with a FLAT NO. She saw this as him working and paying $$ to US. We paid child support every week ON TIME as she had the kids programmed to "get my check" every weekend. To this day they both believe that money was to be used for "the bills". She also can't keep a relationship & doesn't have any friends like the ex you're dealing with too. Anyway, since the birth of our grandson (out of wedlock), she (the ex) is STILL trying to work her puppet mastery skills via the adult daughter. My husband and I are at odds daily now. I not only will not, but CAN NOT play her game for a whole generation more. I want to keep my wonderful husband, but I want him to WANT me like that too. I've waited so long for him to belong to me and for me to be his #1. I can't say anything to the adult child or the ex wife as it's simply not my place and my hubby seems to think it will just rock the boat. If it hasn't stopped in all these years and she won't move on, then how can it ever be a happy home at our house? I so hope you've found something that can help me too. I've looked for months online and you are the first person I've found that has anything close to the same situation as me. I love these kids so much and they are being held at arm's length all the time. The oldest won't even come visit us anymore for fear he will upset his mother. :( 

Name: G&T | Date: Mar 11th, 2011 2:39 AM
This problem is much more wide spread than most people realize but it seems the laws are weak to protect children against this type of emotional warfare. My 10 year old step daughter has been so brainwashed by her mother's abusive tactics to get back at her ex-husband. It started out that we had 3 abused step children, but the oldest turned 18 and is headed down a very dark path. Thank God, our 17 year old was smart enough and asked Dad to pick him up a little over a year ago and has refused to return (he told Mom if he had to go to a judge he would but he wasn't going back). But poor little 10 year old girl is so brainwashed. Mom terrifies her and makes her think that she can FIND OUT everything so she better tell. This poor little girl has sufferred so badly with aniexty and depression. We began counseling with her against Mom's wishes. Mom even 'attempted' to have Dad arrested for taking his daughter to the pediatrician without 'proper' notice to her because the counselor said that she needed to be evaluated for depression. The pediatrician agreed that this little girl was depressed and put her on Paxil. Mom was furious and called the doctor to get her off the medication. The doctor told her "NO" and that she better follow the directions or he would have to get a court order for this treatment as the child was severly depressed. Meanwhile, Dad is giving his daughter the medicine while she is with him (50% of the time) but Mom is not BUT she tells the daughter to LIE and say she is taking it OR they will take her away from Mommy. The child listens to Mommy and lies. One day shortly after starting the medicine our daughter is playing a game at school where she throws her boot and the boys catch it and run off...the girls are to chase them down to get it back. One throw ends up hitting a little boy in the nose causing a nose bleed. The school interviews the kids and determines it was an unfortunate accident but our gets in trouble for throwing her boot (as she should have). Mom takes this 'opportunity' to call the doctors office and say "Paxil made my daughter go crazy and attack a little boy; there was a bloody masacre on the playground because she beat up a little boy and made him all bloody". Nothing could have been FURTHER from the truth. Mom COACHED our daughter with the 'story' she needed to tell Dad, me and the doctors/counselor and she does. But it doesn't take long for her to slip up and tell the counselor the truth, then Dad and even the babysitter. Meanwhile, the pediatrician realized the possibility of this 'Mom' behavior and refers the child to a psychiatrist for evaluation. The day of the evaluation Mom doesn't leave the child's side and ultimately the doctor (psychiatrist) finds nothing. Dad and I realize this and after Mom leaves we tell the psychiatrist the 'real' story. The psychiatrist said "I would love to evaluate your daughter outside the presence of Mom". This meeting takes place about a week later and the daughter that had NO SIGNS of depression in Mom's presence (because Mom coached her the whole weekend before the meeting) was now ranking 44 on a scale of 1-15 for depression (15 indicating depression).

This Mom has another child that is 16 and her Dad took custody of her long ago. We learn how manipulative and dishonest Mom is (some of this was aparent but not to the level we have learned of since). Mom has been telling the kids that Dad doesn't love them for years, that Mom is the only one that loves them. Dad was giving Mom 50% of his income for 5 years DESPITE him caring for the children 50% of the time. Mom hid her income from the state as they continued to take child support. Mom even married 5 weeks after her divorce with Dad. So the kids had to deal with a divorce and marriage all within 5 weeks. Mom, well she was 'making money' off the kids and THEN telling the kids how Dad didn't love them and would say "does he buy you anything? does he take you anywhere? No, because he doesn't love you". She did this as she spent the $1200 a month of child support endulging the children's every desire. She then had her full time UNREPORTED income and her husband's income too for living expenses. Dad meanwhile, was raising 3 children 50% of the time on %50 of his income. Dad worked as much overtime as he could and was burning the candle at both ends just to stay above water and then dealing with the pressures of the children asking "why they lived in an apt and why Dad didn't take them out to eat or anywhere special, why they couldn't go to the mall". Each time the children went back to Mom's she would probe for details of what was going on, who Dad was dating and what went on just about minute by minute. If Mom didn't like what Dad made for dinner she would come over Dad's house and 'sneak' snacks to the kids by texting them to say 'I left a candy bar in the driveway', The control was unimaginable and completely irrational. Mom even had the kids scared of one another and EACH child made it very clear they didn't trust one another. Then came ME :) OMG...did I ever rock the boat as I began to see the injustice. It didn't take long for me to ask for us all to get in counseling (Mom didn't like this one bit but I told her SORRY - these kids have issues that need attention). At first, the couselor had the kids all together and they would not say a word. Then we began with another counselor for the little one, by this point the 17 (now 18 year old) refused to participate becasue "Momma said counseling is for crazy people". The 15 (now 17 year old) had left Mom's house and hasn't looked back. He seems to be doing SO MUCH BETTER although I know there is so hurt burried within (he just doesn't want to go to counseling and the counselor said dont force it - he will open up in his time). But the littlest one, well she is a wreck BUT she isn't allowed to say anything.

So here we are, 2 counselors and a pediatrician all saying this little girl is in danger and needs to be on medicine (although we know Mom won't participate as she should so that means we cant start necessary medication without the concern of serious side effects for not using as directed). So back to the attorney, she is gathering the information to seek emergency custody and GOD WILLING supervised visitation so that MOM can't DO ANYMORE DAMAGE to this precious little girl. I am praying that the good Lord is watching over us and will allow the truth to be told in front of the judge. That we can start something that will show people that MOMS can be real abusive when their ex-husbands don't do as they are told. I have searched and searched and really, there is not much out there about how Mom's turn their children against their Dad's. This is actually a crime in just about all the states. It is just terribly difficult to prove. The proof comes when the children grow up, have little to do with Dad who has truly tried to be there but Mom did everything to make sure they didn't love him (for whatever reason). Meanwhile, the Mom's fail to see that they played a BIG ROLE in ruining their OWN children. That Mom played a big part in their sexual permiscuity, drug use, drinking, lack of ambition, lack of self worth or esteem, inability to love. That is the real tradgedy.

If anyone knows of any good reference sites then please post them here for others that may seek the same information to save their children. Maybe one day we will be over this draining, emotional event due to selfishness and dishonesty of another and we can create a support site. We just need to get through this and heal our children and then we will reach out to others. God bless. 

Name: i know what you mean | Date: Jul 26th, 2012 11:21 AM
I have been with my boyfriend who has 2 children from his ex wife he has full custody his ex wife drinks has know job no doesn't pay child support but she currently i s living with some guy. She manipulates his 16 year old daughter and about a month a ago we sent his daughter to stay with her. His daughter wanted to live with her mother as well after 2 weeks of her liviving with her mom I get a phone call from his ex wife that her boyfriend tryed to rape her and she was moving out and his daughter had to come home come to find out that it was a lye hisex wife wanted to drink and the boyfriend didn't want her drinking so she went to her girlfriends house to drink I was angry I can't believe I was lyed to and I can't believe a mother would make up a lie to her daughter just to go drink that's crazy well after a week she moved back into the boyfriends which i am sure the poor guy doesn't know she accused him of rape well of course the mother is now calling the daughter and my boyfriends kids went to spend the night this week I don't know what to do anymore 

Copyright 2017© babycrowd.com. All rights reserved.
Contact Us | About Us | Browse Journals | Forums | Advertise With Us